RE: A Primer for male submissives

Collarspace Discussion Forums

Home Login Search

RE: A Primer for male submissives

View related threads: (in this forum | in all forums)

Logged in as: Guest

All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> Ask a Mistress >> RE: A Primer for male submissives

Page: << < prev 1 2 [3]

Message

<< Older Topic Newer Topic >>

RE: A Primer for male submissives - 5/4/2006 10:46:33 AM

TeeGO

Posts: 451
Joined: 12/11/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: pollux

Was searching for info on BDSM mentors/mentoresses and saw this thread, thought the OP was terrific, so...it gets a bump.

That is one GREAT bump you have here. Thanks.

I started reading this post and was freaking how I missed it. Then the fact all these "new" names. Then I finally noticed the date was 2004....DOH!

(in reply to pollux)

Profile

Post #: 41

RE: A Primer for male submissives - 5/4/2006 12:30:05 PM

Lashra

Posts: 4900
Joined: 2/9/2006
Status: offline

Excellent post I sent a copy of it to my sub as he is new to being a submissive and I think this will help him in some areas.

~Lashra

(in reply to CruelDomina)

Profile

Post #: 42

RE: A Primer for male submissives - 5/6/2006 4:59:58 PM

hairslave

Posts: 114
Joined: 11/11/2005
Status: offline

CurelDomina,... WELL DONE ! As a sub want to be to be, i not only enjoyed reading your thread,.. i feel i most have the right stuff. Please don't miss understand, i'm not arogent by any means. my profile list alot of this breifly becuase,... thats me!. Oh i have alot of work a head of me in order to achive all perfictionitly,... i may not be good at math or be more then a handy man to some but, theres alot here for the right woman. As to the worms not takeing the time to read your thread,... Ladies !,... your not out for wroms anyway, right?! As i have said in another thread, most men can't think out side of, their boxers. It sickens me to read journals where you ladies seem to receive perthidice emails from some of the guys. collorme should bounce them. - -Lady Lilith, with due respict,... after seeing your piture,... you look great at 99,... your freind should wonder why all males don't drop at your feet! - Jade Lady,... After reading some of the threads in the past, i was begaining to think dommies aren't looking for slave / freind / lover, all in one single package. my dream has always been to be all three for that one special lady in my life. Guess as long as theres still breath in me,... theres still hope.

(in reply to anthrosub)

Profile

Post #: 43

RE: A Primer for male submissives - 5/7/2006 10:03:03 AM

FLsubmalecd

Posts: 143
Status: offline

Top of Form

Preview This preview windows does not show attachments

var form1 = opener.document.postform
var checkedindex

if (form1.msgIcons){
for (var i=0; i ")
if (form1.subject) document.write (""+form1.subject.value.replace(/\/gi,">")+"

")

RE: A Primer for male submissives

CruelDomina,
Very well written! Thank you for the post. As a male first and a submissive second and then as a cross dresser third, I have to say that I too have to shake my head when I see males that offer themselves up as a low piece of unworthy dirt for a Domme. These poor guys have not got a clue as to how to attract a woman, let alone a Domme.
Rule number one with me is to approach every woman/Domme with sincere respect and warmth. No different then what a gentleman might do at a bar or nightclub in approaching a woman to ask her to dance or to ask her out because he is attracted to her. Why is it that so many males think that just because it's the internet and the typed word that they can throw out all the rules of being polite, decent and a gentleman? And why do they seem to think that every woman that calls herself a Domme is wanting a sniveling, crawling low dog at her feet. That just kills me when I see guys call themselves unworthy and worthless. Who in their right mind wants someone that is worthless? I never could figure that out. lol
OK, I might step on some toes here with my own take and opinion on the term used for some of us that happen to be cross dressers. I hate and despise the term sissy... I am not a sissy in any sense of the term.And it does have different meanings in different circles. A meek and weak male for starters. I am not that at all and never was. Then in this, our chosen lifestyle, it refers to males that either want to cross dress, or are forced to cross dress for their Domme. True, I want to dress and serve my Domme. But to be called a sissy to me is an insult. But I guess it is like some Dommes are offended by the term Mistress with its other meanings.
So I have always tried to distance myself and separate myself from both the sniveling worthless male and the so called sissies. I am neither and never will be...other then perhaps roll play with my chosen Domme. Yes, I said my chosen Domme. I know it may shock some; I have a right and free will the "chose who I submit to. Just as she is free to chose or reject me.
Sure as far as my having certain things I want in the way of sexual interaction or scenes with a Domme, I want so much more. First and foremost, I want love and respect returned, just as I want to give it. Like any other relationship, it is a 50/50 proposition. And it's a given since she is in this lifestyle, that she has her sexual and scene interests too.The only difference is I want to submit to her will and she wants to dominate in our lives together. That way it is a win win situation for the both of us. And thanks to this site, I may have just found her!

If I was like the examples given at the begining of the OP's great post, I am sure I would have been ignored if not told off! The prospective Domme that I am excited about getting to know know is first and foremost a Lady. She will always be a Lady to me and treated with utmost respect and without sexual innuendos. There is time for us to learn and talk about our sexuallikes and dislikes as we get to know one another better. It's a given that she and I have our kinks (and she does not even like to call them kinks) as we get to know one another better.It sure was not and will not be the main topic of any of our talks. Surely it was not part of our first letters or IM's What fools many men are to jump right in with their fantasy desires! Do they not know you are in fact a woman, a lady, and that you are so much more then just his fantasy fodder? You command as much respect as the lady sitting at her desk at his work place?
This type of jerk just makes it so much harder for all of the true Dommes to weed through them to find a loving lifestyle mate that many of you want. it also makes it harder on allof us sincere sub males that want a Lady to love and cherish along with her being our treasured Domme.

Ladies, please...we are not all like the unworthy idiots mentioned above.

_____________________________

"Don't make someone a priority in your life, When you're only an option in theirs"

Bottom of Form

_____________________________

"Don't make someone a priority in your life, When you're only an option in theirs"

(in reply to anthrosub)

Profile

Post #: 44

RE: A Primer for male submissives - 5/8/2006 2:20:05 PM

draba

Posts: 81
Joined: 2/22/2006
Status: offline

Dear Cruel Domina,
Thank you for the wonderfull essay. Most of your posting are the rules that my mistress has for me. I learned early to make sure she understands my priorities. She would rather I take care of my life first and reminds me often. Early in our relationship I put mistress before school and work, was a little dishonest, and lost common sense. I was beaten for it and now will always obey. All of the rules you set forth are the same as the ones I must follow if I want to be rewarded. I take responsibility in my chores cheerfully because it pleases Mistress. I also respect her private life and she respects mine. I am lucky to be able to work for her while she has family and vanilla friends around.
Thanks again for the reminder
draba

(in reply to CruelDomina)

Profile

Post #: 45

RE: A Primer for male submissives - 5/8/2006 4:29:05 PM

arianrhod

Posts: 3
Joined: 4/29/2006
Status: offline

Wow. You just saved me hours of "sorting through the words" to explain to the submissive I am training (and anyone else who asks) what I value and look for in a submissive.

I think all of it holds true regardless of the submissive's gender, but male submissives have it harder; their role is more likely to be ridiculed or belittled--not just by the "vanilla" community, but by the very BDSM community that they hope will be supportive, tolerant, and accepting.

I find myself wistfully fantasizing that there were more open, down to earth, available ways for people interested in BDSM to get reliable and useful information. Too many people get hurt--or hurt others--because of ignorance.

(in reply to anthrosub)

Profile

Post #: 46

RE: A Primer for male submissives - 5/8/2006 11:43:22 PM

Sylph

Posts: 38
Joined: 8/26/2004
Status: offline

I would like to say that your primer is beautifully written. Perhaps we can give the worms reading lessons.

I cohabitate with my sub/partner. We are together because we * gasp* share interests. We found out how many interests we share by talking for hours about things * OMG ready* not S/M related.

It gets old the IMs / emails that treat a Domme as merely a fetish object.

(in reply to anthrosub)

Profile

Post #: 47

RE: A Primer for male submissives - 1/10/2008 8:57:12 PM

DifferentPassion

Posts: 1
Joined: 12/21/2007
Status: offline

Of course, it's going to be a 50/50 relationship.

In a study conducted during the 1990's on top reasons that couples broke up or failed to get together they listed NOT jealousy, cheating, or anger but CONTEMPT as the number one reason of it failing. To obtain the findings they studied the facial readings of couples talking about a mundance topic such as the house dog, this is all in the book "blink".

Most of the messages that femdoms receive are one liners that automatically put themselves on a lower level or on the other extreme. Woman are immediately unattracted by those of lower status (not social class), and in this situation they are going to click delete.

The last problem, is often you'll get someone who will read your profile, but they end up writing a two page speech, and those get automatically deleted.

(in reply to Sylph)

Profile

Post #: 48

RE: A Primer for male submissives - 1/10/2008 9:02:27 PM

chiaThePet

Posts: 2694
Joined: 2/4/2007
Status: offline

Rumpelstilskin Rumpelstilskin

chia* (the pet)

_____________________________

Love is a many splendid sting.

You can stick me in the corner, but I'll probably just end up coloring on the walls.

(in reply to DifferentPassion)

Profile

Post #: 49

RE: A Primer for male submissives - 1/11/2008 9:09:56 AM

pixelslave

Posts: 1444
Joined: 8/19/2006
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: DifferentPassion

In a study conducted during the 1990's on top reasons that couples broke up or failed to get together they listed NOT jealousy, cheating, or anger but CONTEMPT as the number one reason of it failing. To obtain the findings they studied the facial readings of couples talking about a mundance topic such as the house dog, this is all in the book "blink".

Now that I can definitely believe!

quote:

Most of the messages that femdoms receive are one liners that automatically put themselves on a lower level or on the other extreme. Woman are immediately unattracted by those of lower status (not social class), and in this situation they are going to click delete.

Odd how some still expect the cowtowing though isn't it? For me that's a sign I may need to run for the hills if we don't get the communication set on the same wavelength right away! There are some who have such egos they think every male submissive should be submissive to them and are offended if we're not. They don't seem to understand that I'm not their submissive until we've both agreed that's the way it will be. Until then, I'm just another man trying to get to know the woman and person they are on the inside as well as their vanilla interests, personality traits, etc. The D/s and BDSM parts are understood to exist and we'll get to that later when the basic compatibility between us has been established.

quote:

The last problem, is often you'll get someone who will read your profile, but they end up writing a two page speech, and those get automatically deleted.

That's a difficult challenge for us submissives; how to find the right balance between writing a few short paragraphs that are sufficient to capture a woman's interest vs. writing a tomb about the things we appear to have in common. I tend to be verbose and know it, so it's something I have to work at.

- pixel

_____________________________

Chivalry isn't dead! It's for those who have it in their hearts & are willing to be taught. It's a way of life, a code of honor; this one's armor still needs some polishing!

(in reply to DifferentPassion)

Profile

Post #: 50

RE: A Primer for male submissives - 1/11/2008 11:48:11 AM

LadyPact

Posts: 32566
Status: offline

I'm not sure why this particular thread was called up to the present, but I'm glad it was. It was a very good read, and I'd like to thank Cruel for, at one time, taking so much time and effort for the wonderfully written post.

_____________________________

The crowned Diva of Destruction. ~ ExT

Beach Ball Sized Lady Nuts. ~ TWD

Happily dating a new submissive. It's official. I've named him engie.

Please do not send me email here. Unless I know you, I will delete the email unread

(in reply to pixelslave)

Profile

Post #: 51

RE: A Primer for male submissives - 1/11/2008 12:15:40 PM

ocilla

Posts: 1764
Joined: 6/12/2007
Status: offline

I so get that peice about the mundane day to day things being what really makes a relationship. Contempt, resentment and negotiationg closeness, fun and team work are the keys in my opinion. So much of our lives with our significant others comes down to "what's for dinner?", "laundry needs to be done", "who's going to the grocery store?", all the little day to day mundane unsexy details that can wrankle one person or the other.

I had been emailing and talking on the phone for a while with a fella and the talks were becoming a nightly thing. Eventually I started to gather his home life routine....bring in the garbage pail, wash the dishes, have a glass of wine, etc etc and the last chore every night before he retired was to iron his cloths for the next day....no matter what he was wearing - jeans, t-shirt it all had to be ironed the night before or he could not sleep. That is the kind of stuff that I always find myself ruminating on the most when uncovered....I hear a voice in my head asking, is he gona want to iron my cloths too? If I wear something wrinkled is it going to bug him? Could he ever relax and just wear jeans fresh from the dryer but not ironed? lolo

I know it is silly on one level but that little stuff is what makes or breaks how comfortable folks are with one another. And sure I can take some femdom stance and say that only my needs and mundane standards matter - but that would be foolhardy and lonely I suspect.

Yeah - great post, very useful, glad it got bumped.

_____________________________

Ocilla

Nature is not a place to visit. It is home.
~ Gary Snyder

It takes a kinky village...

(in reply to LadyPact)

Profile

Post #: 52

RE: A Primer for male submissives - 1/11/2008 12:52:55 PM

irishjoe

Posts: 19
Joined: 1/29/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: DifferentPassion

Of course, it's going to be a 50/50 relationship.

In a study conducted during the 1990's on top reasons that couples broke up or failed to get together they listed NOT jealousy, cheating, or anger but CONTEMPT as the number one reason of it failing. To obtain the findings they studied the facial readings of couples talking about a mundance topic such as the house dog, this is all in the book "blink".

Most of the messages that femdoms receive are one liners that automatically put themselves on a lower level or on the other extreme. Woman are immediately unattracted by those of lower status (not social class), and in this situation they are going to click delete.

The last problem, is often you'll get someone who will read your profile, but they end up writing a two page speech, and those get automatically deleted.

well put i am reading that book too, very interesting however would you say the same reigns through in a D/s relationship dynamic given the power exchange already expected?
just a thought

(in reply to DifferentPassion)

Profile

Post #: 53

RE: A Primer for male submissives - 1/11/2008 1:03:38 PM

darchChylde

Posts: 5279
Joined: 9/28/2006
From: Warm Springs, GA but i live in San Francisco.
Status: offline

i believe that one of the biggest problems many submissive men have is the words "dominant woman". They tend to focus on the "dominant" and forget about the "woman". While i know this isn't representative of every domme, i do know that sometimes a woman just wants to be held, to feel cared for, loved and needed. It is the responsibility of the submissive to see when these things are necessary and step up. So you want to serve? Don't simply serve the dominant, but serve the woman as well. Women want to be able to let their burdens down on someone, not to fix the problem but to listen. Sometimes, her submissive is the one that responsibility falls on, being a friend and emotionally supportive neither takes away from her dominance nor your submission.

Though i've never actively looked for a relationship in the bdsm, the Ds or the vanilla world; i have always kept to one simple rule when dealing with dominant women: If you already are what a vanilla woman looks for in a vanilla relationship, just add submission and you will likely appeal to most dominants.

Thank you CruelDominant, great post!!!

< Message edited by darchChylde -- 1/11/2008 1:20:06 PM >

_____________________________

I'm the man your mother warned you about...
if only to keep me to herself.

I'm a male dominant switch whose experienced as a poly sub to a dominant woman
.
Where the fuck do I post?

Proud Owner and Protector of chyldeschylde.

(in reply to anthrosub)

Profile

Post #: 54

RE: A Primer for male submissives - 1/11/2008 1:19:05 PM

MsSaskia

Posts: 415
Joined: 9/9/2004
From: Denver
Status: offline

Beautiful. I wouldn't change a word.

I do that "I'm having a lovely day, thanks so much for asking. And how are you?" with people who contact me without even the bare bones of a civil greeting. 9 times out of 10, they don't get it.

(in reply to CruelDomina)

Profile

Post #: 55

RE: A Primer for male submissives - 1/11/2008 1:32:37 PM

LadyPact

Posts: 32566
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: ocilla

I so get that peice about the mundane day to day things being what really makes a relationship. Contempt, resentment and negotiationg closeness, fun and team work are the keys in my opinion. So much of our lives with our significant others comes down to "what's for dinner?", "laundry needs to be done", "who's going to the grocery store?", all the little day to day mundane unsexy details that can wrankle one person or the other.

Yeah - great post, very useful, glad it got bumped.

I snipped just for the sake of the point above. Truthfully, I think the nuts and bolts of it has a lot to do with why certain relationships work and some don't. This is the realistic approach to actually running a household. It's not some fantasy about just the kink. Sooner or later, somebody has to fold those darn socks!

The thing about it is, there has to be a balance. The mundane stuff that keeps a household, or in My case a poly family flowing, is that there has to be a mix of the responsibilities of home, work, study, as well as kink. If you just have the mundane, well, life can get boring. If you just have kink, nothing gets done. Ok, in My case, I admit that I'm a bit spoiled in that area, but I'm sure you understand what I mean.

_____________________________

The crowned Diva of Destruction. ~ ExT

Beach Ball Sized Lady Nuts. ~ TWD

Happily dating a new submissive. It's official. I've named him engie.

Please do not send me email here. Unless I know you, I will delete the email unread

(in reply to ocilla)

Profile

Post #: 56

RE: A Primer for male submissives - 1/11/2008 2:09:00 PM

pixelslave

Posts: 1444
Joined: 8/19/2006
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: ocilla
I so get that peice about the mundane day to day things being what really makes a relationship. Contempt, resentment and negotiationg closeness, fun and team work are the keys in my opinion. So much of our lives with our significant others comes down to "what's for dinner?", "laundry needs to be done", "who's going to the grocery store?", all the little day to day mundane unsexy details that can wrankle one person or the other.

I understand where you're coming from Ocilla, but those mundane things don't have to be boring! There are so many imaginitive dommes around here, that I'm genuinely surprised they don't see how to make them fun and interesting! From my POV and experience, it's all in the manner in which those things are approached. If you want to think of them as mundane, that's exactly how they'll be. If you want to turn them into a fun D/s, kinky or BDSM game, then they can be very exciting, sexy and interesting or even wind up becoming part of your D/s dynamic if you wish. IMO, it's all a matter of how you decide to approach them.

quote:

Yeah - great post, very useful, glad it got bumped.

It was the first time I'd ever read it too and I'm glad to see it was revived!

(in reply to ocilla)

Profile

Post #: 57

RE: A Primer for male submissives - 1/11/2008 2:24:17 PM

ocilla

Posts: 1764
Joined: 6/12/2007
Status: offline

Well, I hope I get to try that approach out eventually. I've yet to find a fella to get that vulnerable with in D/s yet. So far finding a boy that can hang beyond just play has not happened. The fella I spoke of before came the closest and he was still too conflicted about his need for BDSM and submission to go realtime in the end. It is either one extreme of the other it seems. Just trying to stay busy in my own backyard, playing and living and yet still keep an eye open for something more serious.

_____________________________

Ocilla

Nature is not a place to visit. It is home.
~ Gary Snyder

It takes a kinky village...

(in reply to pixelslave)

Profile

Post #: 58

RE: A Primer for male submissives - 1/11/2008 3:11:27 PM

MistressDollys

Posts: 47
Joined: 1/8/2008
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: darchChylde

i believe that one of the biggest problems many submissive men have is the words "dominant woman". They tend to focus on the "dominant" and forget about the "woman". While i know this isn't representative of every domme, i do know that sometimes a woman just wants to be held, to feel cared for, loved and needed. It is the responsibility of the submissive to see when these things are necessary and step up. So you want to serve? Don't simply serve the dominant, but serve the woman as well. Women want to be able to let their burdens down on someone, not to fix the problem but to listen. Sometimes, her submissive is the one that responsibility falls on, being a friend and emotionally supportive neither takes away from her dominance nor your submission.

Though i've never actively looked for a relationship in the bdsm, the Ds or the vanilla world; i have always kept to one simple rule when dealing with dominant women: If you already are what a vanilla woman looks for in a vanilla relationship, just add submission and you will likely appeal to most dominants.

Thank you CruelDominant, great post!!!

my sentiments exactly

(in reply to darchChylde)

Profile

Post #: 59