More important to a LTR: BDSM or vanilla interests? (Full Version)

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softcoresicko -> More important to a LTR: BDSM or vanilla interests? (2/2/2007 4:07:21 PM)

I've been wondering for quite a while, but haven't really had a chance to ask.  What is more important for a successful long term relationship; shared fetishes or common interests outside of the lifestyle?  Would you consider being involved with someone who shares all of your kinks, but has nothing else in common with you?  Is it possible to be happy with someone who understands all your nonsexual interests, but expects a different type of relationship, perhaps one that doesn't involve fetishes at all?

I realize that this is the sort of question that depends on the people involved in the relationship, but I'd like to get some opinions, so that I know how to approach the relationship search.  Thank you for any comments you feel are appropriate.



Rayne58 -> RE: More important to a LTR: BDSM or vanilla interests? (2/2/2007 4:20:10 PM)

IMO there has to be more than sex and kink, otherwise it's hardly a relationship is it? You'd have nothing in common to talk about during the "down time" [;)][:D]

Master and I share interests as well as having our own. We laugh and joke together. The kink is the icing on the cake for us, but if it wasn't there we'd still be in the relationship [:)]

*We have been together 3 years btw*



defiantbadgirl -> RE: More important to a LTR: BDSM or vanilla interests? (2/2/2007 4:30:20 PM)

I think a LTR would require both to be totally monogamous.  There's always going to be downtime, so it's good to share common interests and be able to have good conversation. As far as totally vanilla long term, that would be a big mistake unless the vanilla partner knew about and had no problem with the kinky partner satisfying his or her urges elsewhere. Otherwise it would never work long term without cheating.



LotusSong -> RE: More important to a LTR: BDSM or vanilla interests? (2/2/2007 4:32:04 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: softcoresicko

I've been wondering for quite a while, but haven't really had a chance to ask.  What is more important for a successful long term relationship; shared fetishes or common interests outside of the lifestyle?  Would you consider being involved with someone who shares all of your kinks, but has nothing else in common with you?  Is it possible to be happy with someone who understands all your nonsexual interests, but expects a different type of relationship, perhaps one that doesn't involve fetishes at all?

I realize that this is the sort of question that depends on the people involved in the relationship, but I'd like to get some opinions, so that I know how to approach the relationship search.  Thank you for any comments you feel are appropriate.


I'm coming up on 10 years with my slave and 34 with my husband.  I found you have to balance the two. BDSM fluctuates and vanilla pays the bills.



Wulfchyld -> RE: More important to a LTR: BDSM or vanilla interests? (2/2/2007 4:32:29 PM)

I fail to see where monogamy is a prerequisite for a LTR. LA hop your butt in here.



defiantbadgirl -> RE: More important to a LTR: BDSM or vanilla interests? (2/2/2007 4:38:36 PM)

Polygamists are also faithful within the group. I just meant that for a monogamous relationship to last long term for someone in the lifestyle, it would have to involve both vanilla and kink. I didn't come in here polygamy bashing.



Wulfchyld -> RE: More important to a LTR: BDSM or vanilla interests? (2/2/2007 4:42:39 PM)


I didn't think you were. I just don’t feel that Monogamy is the prerequisite for LTR. I have been married for 17 1/2 years and haven’t ever been monogamist.
 
I think what makes a successful LTR is absolute honesty, and the courage to voice exactly what you need and be vocal about your wants.



MysticFireTopaz -> RE: More important to a LTR: BDSM or vanilla interests? (2/2/2007 4:51:12 PM)

To me, they are about equally important.  When I was new to the lifestyle, I owned a few subs considerably younger than me who were really pretty decent subs, but I really had nothing in common with them at all outside of the lifestyle.  On the other hand, I unfortunately have met some men who would be perfect for me vanilla interests-wise--they share my passion for metaphysics and so many of my other interests, but have absolutely no interest in exploring the lifestyle at all. 
 
My most successful long-term relationships (and the type of relationship I again seek now) had a balance between lifestyle and vanilla interests.  We may not have been a perfect match, but there was enough in common with both vanilla and lifestyle interests to sustain a long-term relationship.  These individuals tended to be around my age, plus or minus ten years.  They are people I loved scening with, but also felt very comfortable with for conversation and vanilla activities.

Lady Topaz



TheShadows -> RE: More important to a LTR: BDSM or vanilla interests? (2/2/2007 5:04:45 PM)

A good blend of both is what I've found works well for me.  If I wanted someone to do my cooking, cleaning, and laundry for me, and have nothing to talk about with them, I'd hire a housekeeper.

As always, YMMV...
~MrsShadows~



strangelove222 -> RE: More important to a LTR: BDSM or vanilla interests? (2/2/2007 5:07:27 PM)

I've been in vanilla relationships and despite having similar interests with the people, I still felt like something was missing. In my most recent relationship, I was craving the D/s aspect of the relationship...and I was with someone who didn't have a dominant bone in her body. She bought some handcuffs and one of those novelty store flogger things (yawn), but she was doing it just to please me. I mean, she tried, but it just didn't come natural for her at all. I felt kind of guilty because I wanted to be satisfied, she was a really good person and I didn't want to hurt her. Anyway,  in that case, neither vanilla interests or "kinky" play did it for me. At least not for long-term. We broke up after two months.



twicehappy -> RE: More important to a LTR: BDSM or vanilla interests? (2/2/2007 5:18:26 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: Wulfchyld


I didn't think you were. I just don’t feel that Monogamy is the prerequisite for LTR. I have been married for 17 1/2 years and haven’t ever been monogamist.
 
I think what makes a successful LTR is absolute honesty, and the courage to voice exactly what you need and be vocal about your wants.


I was with the same Master for 18 years an we were always poly.
 
In Loki's defense his marriage has lasted so long because he is a lesbian.



Wulfchyld -> RE: More important to a LTR: BDSM or vanilla interests? (2/2/2007 5:19:46 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: twicehappy
In Loki's defense his marriage has lasted so long because he is a lesbian.


Oh crap were is that outed in public thread?



twicehappy -> RE: More important to a LTR: BDSM or vanilla interests? (2/2/2007 5:23:54 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: Wulfchyld

quote:

ORIGINAL: twicehappy
In Loki's defense his marriage has lasted so long because he is a lesbian.


Oh crap were is that outed in public thread?


http://www.collarchat.com/m_803762/mpage_3/key_/tm.htm#804147

Ps, i sent you a price guide for the Sprint on the welcome back thread and in your private email as well.



Wulfchyld -> RE: More important to a LTR: BDSM or vanilla interests? (2/2/2007 5:35:16 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: twicehappy
Ps, i sent you a price guide for the Sprint on the welcome back thread and in your private email as well.


Thankies Twice, can’t wait to get it. By the way, how are the clones coming?



CreativeDominant -> RE: More important to a LTR: BDSM or vanilla interests? (2/2/2007 5:43:27 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: twicehappy

quote:

ORIGINAL: Wulfchyld


I didn't think you were. I just don’t feel that Monogamy is the prerequisite for LTR. I have been married for 17 1/2 years and haven’t ever been monogamist.
 
I think what makes a successful LTR is absolute honesty, and the courage to voice exactly what you need and be vocal about your wants.


I was with the same Master for 18 years an we were always poly.
 
In Loki's defense his marriage has lasted so long because he is a lesbian.


Loki's a lesbian????  Damn, and I was hoping he was a submissive female using some male avatar in order to put her views out there....Damn! Damn! Damn!  There goes my heart again.....[sm=river.gif]



Wulfchyld -> RE: More important to a LTR: BDSM or vanilla interests? (2/2/2007 5:46:34 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: CreativeDominant

Loki's a lesbian????  Damn, and I was hoping he was a submissive female using some male avatar in order to put her views out there....Damn! Damn! Damn!  There goes my heart again.....[sm=river.gif]


No worries. Rumtiger will console you. I broke his heart too.



GeekyGirl -> RE: More important to a LTR: BDSM or vanilla interests? (2/2/2007 5:47:24 PM)

It has to be both for me.

Dominant #1 in my life enjoyed all the same activities as me but we didn't have much else in common. Didn't last.

Dominant #2 had all the same vanilla interests but didn't enjoy most the bedroom activities I desired (we were both kinky, just into different stuff.) That didn't last either..



KnightofMists -> RE: More important to a LTR: BDSM or vanilla interests? (2/2/2007 5:50:05 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: softcoresicko

I've been wondering for quite a while, but haven't really had a chance to ask.  What is more important for a successful long term relationship; shared fetishes or common interests outside of the lifestyle?  Would you consider being involved with someone who shares all of your kinks, but has nothing else in common with you?  Is it possible to be happy with someone who understands all your nonsexual interests, but expects a different type of relationship, perhaps one that doesn't involve fetishes at all?

I realize that this is the sort of question that depends on the people involved in the relationship, but I'd like to get some opinions, so that I know how to approach the relationship search.  Thank you for any comments you feel are appropriate.


for me it is not a question of shared kink or shared interests outside of the lifestyle... Granted these things are rather important... but they don't need to be absolutely shared in all areas.  I nice balance will do nicely.

However, what is to me very important is each person have the Character Strengths that is admired and respected by the other.  This is also coupled with having shared values and principles.   These two things to me far outweight having shared kinks or interests.



thetammyjo -> RE: More important to a LTR: BDSM or vanilla interests? (2/2/2007 6:17:03 PM)

For me, they are almost equal in importance.

I have to have a slave who shares many of my interests but not all of them -- keeps him interesting and encourages him to learn and grow (me too).

But overall we both have to be committed to the Ds dynamic or I stop being interested in being more than friends. I have a lot of vanilla friends all ready frankly.



Caitriona -> RE: More important to a LTR: BDSM or vanilla interests? (2/2/2007 6:25:25 PM)

I like a good balance of both, which isn't surprising.  My Lord is not only my lover but my husband as well.  We spent a lot more time together out of the bedroom (so to speak) than we do in there so it is important that we can talk and be comfortable together no matter what's going on.  



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