RE: More important to a LTR: BDSM or vanilla interests? (Full Version)

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MasterFireMaam -> RE: More important to a LTR: BDSM or vanilla interests? (2/2/2007 6:34:36 PM)

At the core, for me, it's outside interests. Being in a relationship with my girl has taught me this since our SM is little to none. Having similar fetishes but no rapport = play partner which is no more a basis for an extended, intimate relationship than really good sex. Now, if they both exists. Woo!

Master Fire



LuckyAlbatross -> RE: More important to a LTR: BDSM or vanilla interests? (2/2/2007 6:40:02 PM)

Shared interests are important.

They are all my own interests.

I don't think any of us needs our partner to be as into all of the same things that we are to the exact same degree.  I'm more than happy sending my partner off to a foot party for his own fun and he's more than happy seeing me go watch a movie on my own.

It's no different than any other type of relationship- there needs to be some compatibility.  We all have our hot spots and our dead spots- what matters is matching them up well- not matching them up identically.



RavenMuse -> RE: More important to a LTR: BDSM or vanilla interests? (2/2/2007 9:27:18 PM)

I live in London. No problem finding any number of girls who are kink compatable.... no problem finding girls who have compatable interests in other areas of life.

Finding one who was compatable with Me on the D/s dynamic was tricky, but achieveable.....

My girl is 400 bloody miles away (For the next few years at least) because even with all those turning up in the same person, there still has to be that spark between you that takes all the individual 'ingreedients' and makes a whole package deal that is worth getting involved with!

You can't just seperate out the componants and look just for those... she is either the right person or not.



susie -> RE: More important to a LTR: BDSM or vanilla interests? (2/3/2007 6:40:32 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: defiantbadgirl

I think a LTR would require both to be totally monogamous. 


I really can't see what being monogamous has to do with Long Term Relationships. Master and I are really happy with each other. We have common interests outside of BDSM but that is because it is a relationship and encompases so many things like jobs, his business, paying the gas and electricity bills and decorating the house etc. OH and he sometimes sleeps with other women. So does that mean our relationship will not work? seems to be work pretty fine for us!



softcoresicko -> RE: More important to a LTR: BDSM or vanilla interests? (2/3/2007 10:41:38 AM)

Thank you all for the great answers; they've given me a lot of insight.  There seems to be a pretty fair concensus that both are necessary to satisfy those of us who have these types of interests...

An additional question/clarification: the major reason I raised this question is because I'm currently trying to find someone, myself.  So, I was wondering whether it's best to try to meet people who have similar (if not identical) kinks and build a personal relationship, or try to find someone who shares the same outside interests (perhaps on a vanilla dating site), and try to introduce them to my fetishes.  I realize that the ideal would be to find someone who shares many of my interests (vanilla and fetish), but that is proving to be a bit easier said than done.

Ultimately, I do want a complete relationship, as many of those who have responded seem to have, but I'm just having trouble figuring out how to go about finding it.



Stephann -> RE: More important to a LTR: BDSM or vanilla interests? (2/3/2007 10:57:21 AM)

A healthy number of interests of any sort are vital.  A BDSM only relationship would likely only carry the same weight that a 'sex only' or a 'computer only' or a 'book only' relationship might constitute.  Such casual friends or acquaintances are naturally important in everyone's lives, but a long term romantically oriented relationship to be successful, I believe that a mix of several interests becomes necessary.  I wouldn't be happy with a woman who cannot share my sense of humor, intellectual pursuits, or physical interests.  If we had zero BDSM interests in common, and neither of us were willing or interested in exploring the other's tastes, I could see the relationship quickly becoming frustrating for us both. 

Stephan



defiantbadgirl -> RE: More important to a LTR: BDSM or vanilla interests? (2/3/2007 11:08:49 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: susie

quote:

ORIGINAL: defiantbadgirl

I think a LTR would require both to be totally monogamous. 


I really can't see what being monogamous has to do with Long Term Relationships. Master and I are really happy with each other. We have common interests outside of BDSM but that is because it is a relationship and encompases so many things like jobs, his business, paying the gas and electricity bills and decorating the house etc. OH and he sometimes sleeps with other women. So does that mean our relationship will not work? seems to be work pretty fine for us!


Alot of people are misunderstanding that statement. What I meant was a long term relationship would require both vanilla and kink if that relationship were to be totally monogamous.



RavenMuse -> RE: More important to a LTR: BDSM or vanilla interests? (2/3/2007 11:26:28 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: softcoresicko
Ultimately, I do want a complete relationship, as many of those who have responded seem to have, but I'm just having trouble figuring out how to go about finding it.


How I approached it from the start was to focus on the tiny handful of things *I* absolutely need, things if they are missing there is NO compatability because without them then even a parfect girl wouldn't work with Me.

MY style of D/s - attitude being more important than simple obedience. ie. so long as I KNOW and can tell she has tired her absolute best then wether she achieves the set goal isn't much of an issue... I can work on improving her to allow her to compleat such tasks OR adjust the task to fit.... but if she won't try, doesn't NEED to please Me, slacks off and coasts because what *I* want isn't important enough to her.... THAT is a problem and things are NOT likely to work for long.

I NEED that aspect, I also NEED honesty and commitment to building a long term relationship (I was looking for and believe I have found, a life partner in My current girl). There is so little on the BDSM play side that is a need I didn't even cover it on the profile, just made sure it got touched on reasonably quickly when looking at compatability.... delibrate choise to keep play out of the profile as it puts off the play bunnys who are more into that side than into the D/s

A few baselines, if they where there then it was worth looking further to see if there was any spark and potential. discuss and meet in real world even just for a few minutes over a drink whilst at a scene event.... no spark and I knew not to waste My time. If there was a spark, they got more effort and I would take the looking at potential the rest of the way with a view to possible starting to act on things and see if something could be built.

Once you are sure enough of one, confirmed the reality of the effort she is putting in also... close down the others and have her do likewise (By that time even without formal submission she will be likely to be heading that way and 'suggestions' begining to be responded to as your directions will be shortly). Both focusing on building something real

Remember though I'm on the TPE side of things.... dealing with subs can be rather diffrent in a couple of areas. I deal with those nearer the slave end of the spectrum.

Hope that helps.




DiurnalVampire -> RE: More important to a LTR: BDSM or vanilla interests? (2/3/2007 11:31:21 AM)

Why would a LTR require someone to be completely monogamous?
I think i missed to correlation.
I have been in LTRs that did very nicely although they were open, neither of us had any problems with it, since we knew very well the otehr was there when we were together.  However in those times between when we saw one another we also didnt see a reason to be by ourselves necessarily.

For our LTR, the vanilla aspects were as important as the BDSM ones.  Without one, the other never would have held things together enough to manage 7 months apart. For me they are inseparable but that is becasue they have both been there since the beginning. We never had 2 separate roles, it just blends into how we are. 
my 2 cents
DV



defiantbadgirl -> RE: More important to a LTR: BDSM or vanilla interests? (2/3/2007 11:42:08 AM)

A long term relationship does not necessarily require monogamy. For the record, I have alot more respect for polygamists than those who go around having casual sex with multiple acquaintences. Polygamists stay faithful within their group and therefore don't spread disease. What I'm saying is for those of us who seek a monogamous relationship, there is no way a relationship can remain monogamous without both vanilla and kink.



susie -> RE: More important to a LTR: BDSM or vanilla interests? (2/3/2007 12:04:12 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: defiantbadgirl

A long term relationship does not necessarily require monogamy. For the record, I have alot more respect for polygamists than those who go around having casual sex with multiple acquaintences. Polygamists stay faithful within their group and therefore don't spread disease. What I'm saying is for those of us who seek a monogamous relationship, there is no way a relationship can remain monogamous without both vanilla and kink.


Excuse me there is such a thing as safe sex you know. Just because some people decide to have "casual sex with multiple acquaintences" does not mean they spread disease. I think you should consider what you are posting before making sweeping statements such as that.



susie -> RE: More important to a LTR: BDSM or vanilla interests? (2/3/2007 12:06:47 PM)

.



Wulfchyld -> RE: More important to a LTR: BDSM or vanilla interests? (2/3/2007 12:08:19 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: defiantbadgirl

A long term relationship does not necessarily require monogamy. For the record, I have alot more respect for polygamists than those who go around having casual sex with multiple acquaintences. Polygamists stay faithful within their group and therefore don't spread disease. What I'm saying is for those of us who seek a monogamous relationship, there is no way a relationship can remain monogamous without both vanilla and kink.


Wow!



twicehappy -> RE: More important to a LTR: BDSM or vanilla interests? (2/3/2007 12:13:11 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: defiantbadgirl

What I'm saying is for those of us who seek a monogamous relationship, there is no way a relationship can remain monogamous without both vanilla and kink.


Wow! That's a new one.
 
Tens of thousands of married monogamous vanilla couples have been doing it wrong for years.
 
Lol, it could explain the divorce rate though.



Wulfchyld -> RE: More important to a LTR: BDSM or vanilla interests? (2/3/2007 12:16:20 PM)

There is a twice happy here! Twice, out of curiosity what was, if any, the emotional connection you had with Scooter and Jewel before you met?
 
If you will indulge us please.




twicehappy -> RE: More important to a LTR: BDSM or vanilla interests? (2/3/2007 12:26:52 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: Wulfchyld

There is a twice happy here! Twice, out of curiosity what was, if any, the emotional connection you had with Scooter and Jewel before you met?


For you Loki anything.
 
With Jewel i felt like we were kindred souls, we had so much in common, we talked for days. We became friends instantly.
 
With Scooter to tell the truth he pissed me off so bad with his first response to my email (it included the words ditzy blond and got really ignorant from there) i could have choked him.
 
After that (he apologized) within a few days i just kept getting this feeling he was the ONE. It sounds dumb but with my first i knew the moment i saw him. We lasted until his passing as you know.
 
Do not think i just threw myself where ever at who ever either because i met a lot of folks in six years and as soon as i met them i knew they were not HIM
 
Every time i talked to Scooter i kept getting that same tingly this is it feeling.
 
When they picked me up at the airport i knew he was my ONE. 



Wulfchyld -> RE: More important to a LTR: BDSM or vanilla interests? (2/3/2007 12:30:07 PM)

Awsome! Thank you very much Twice. I can see from your other posts that the LTR emotional conection you made with them held, or got even stronger.

Thank you again. *Smooch!*



twicehappy -> RE: More important to a LTR: BDSM or vanilla interests? (2/3/2007 12:37:14 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: Wulfchyld

Awsome! Thank you very much Twice. I can see from your other posts that the LTR emotional conection you made with them held, or got even stronger.
Thank you again. *Smooch!*


Smooches back!
 
Of course it did. I am in love and i love, and i get loved.
 
We shop, eat, sleep, play, tease, ride, bathe, watch movies together. We hold hands when we walk together, we give each other little surprises.
 
We are a couple only with three.
 
I love them both madly, they are my friends, my lovers, my life.
 
I tell them often" you make my happy".
 
Of course Scooter smart ass always asks" i make your happy do what?"
 
I'm not answering that question here, you'll have to guess.
 
 



Wulfchyld -> RE: More important to a LTR: BDSM or vanilla interests? (2/3/2007 12:42:29 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: twicehappy

 
Of course Scooter smart ass always asks" i make your happy do what?"
 
I'm not answering that question here, you'll have to guess.
 
 


Hee hee. You know I am a reincarnated roman engineer who developed the first gutter. For some strange reason my mind often remains there. 



softcoresicko -> RE: More important to a LTR: BDSM or vanilla interests? (2/3/2007 1:07:50 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: RavenMuse

How I approached it from the start was to focus on the tiny handful of things *I* absolutely need, things if they are missing there is NO compatability because without them then even a parfect girl wouldn't work with Me.


Thank you, RavenMuse, that sounds like a lovely approach.  My only difficulty is that being so new to any sort of fetish lifestyle, I don't really know what I *really* want out of a BDSM relationship, other than someone willing to explore with me.

As for the monogamous versus polygamous debate that seems to be going within this topic, I am looking for a monogamous relationship, and appreciate the comments on how what is necessary to make that sort of relationship work.  If you follow a polyamorous lifestyle, good for you; it's just not something that's right for me. 

Thank you to everyone for your comments.



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