RE: More important to a LTR: BDSM or vanilla interests? (Full Version)

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defiantbadgirl -> RE: More important to a LTR: BDSM or vanilla interests? (2/3/2007 3:05:07 PM)

25% kink......I totally agree with that. I'm just trying to get the idea out there that it's possible to have both bdsm and vanilla in a long term relationship. I've noticed alot of threads lately started by cheaters (going behind their partner's back) using lack of kink as an excuse for cheating. I think if more people dated bdsm partners instead of just thinking of them as play partners this wouldn't be happening so much. So whenever I see a thread involving kink vs vanilla, I introduce this simple concept.



softcoresicko -> RE: More important to a LTR: BDSM or vanilla interests? (2/3/2007 3:10:01 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: defiantbadgirl

25% kink......I totally agree with that. I'm just trying to get the idea out there that it's possible to have both bdsm and vanilla in a long term relationship. I've noticed alot of threads lately started by cheaters (going behind their partner's back) using lack of kink as an excuse for cheating. I think if more people dated bdsm partners instead of just thinking of them as play partners this wouldn't be happening so much. So whenever I see a thread involving kink vs vanilla, I introduce this simple concept.


That's certainly a nice slant on things, and one of the reasons I (for one) came to sites like Collarme; the attempt to date someone who is interested in me as both a play partner AND a significant other in a more vanilla context. 



Vjklander -> RE: More important to a LTR: BDSM or vanilla interests? (2/3/2007 3:15:42 PM)

I think one must take the Popeye approach. "I yam what I yam and that's all what I yam". I don't have a vanilla side or a kinky side. I yam what I yam through and through. When we go out, I will order the meals for all, but also hold the doors. etc. I think it just boils down to being honest with your self first and then presenting yourself honestly to others. In many cases I trust another's intent, but don't trust their knowledge.
Vjklander



susie -> RE: More important to a LTR: BDSM or vanilla interests? (2/3/2007 3:23:32 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: defiantbadgirl

Very simple Susie. How many people do you know that actually practice safe oral sex? This includes no bj without a condom and no oral on females without a female condom. Yet these same people who have multiple casual partners go around bashing polygamists. I could never be polygamous because I'd be jealous, but for those into casual sex to bash a group of people who are faithful within the group while they go out and spread disease is flat out hypocritical.



I personally know of people who enjoy casual sexual partners and they have never spread disease. Why you would think someone would spread disease just because they are not in a monogamous or a polygamous relationship is beyond me. Please do not make assumptions about people you do not know. 



defiantbadgirl -> RE: More important to a LTR: BDSM or vanilla interests? (2/3/2007 3:30:35 PM)

It's easy to spread disease if one is not in a monogamous or polygamous relationship simply because most people don't practice safe sex. Wearing a condom for intercourse, yet engaging in unprotected oral is not safe sex.



susie -> RE: More important to a LTR: BDSM or vanilla interests? (2/3/2007 3:36:07 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: defiantbadgirl

It's easy to spread disease if one is not in a monogamous or polygamous relationship simply because most people don't practice safe sex. Wearing a condom for intercourse, yet engaging in unprotected oral is not safe sex.


Then perhaps you should rephrase your statement to say "those who do not practice safe sex spread disease" and not say "those you who have casual sex with multiple partners spread disease" Those are 2 very different statements. Perhaps most people you know do not practice safe sex, that does not mean that everyone else is the same.



defiantbadgirl -> RE: More important to a LTR: BDSM or vanilla interests? (2/3/2007 3:42:22 PM)

But how many do you know that only engage in protected oral sex? The majority of people who say they only practice safe sex say something entirely different when asked what protection they use during oral. Most of them haven't even thought about it. Scary.



4u2spoil -> RE: More important to a LTR: BDSM or vanilla interests? (2/3/2007 3:56:15 PM)

I think it just takes time. After trying both routes for a while, it takes a while to find someone who isn't so focused on fetishes and kink that they don't bother to get to know you as a person, and someone who isn't going to look at you strangely when you ask them to try something new. Then there's natural attraction/chemistry to throw in and it gets trickier.

Just get out there, give it your best shot and don't stop trying to find what you need/want. If going the vanilla route, I'd say to drop some hints so that you don't end up completely disappointed. You don't have to mention specific acts, but really describe your personality and the personality of the person who'd be right for you.

quote:

ORIGINAL: softcoresicko

Thank you all for the great answers; they've given me a lot of insight.  There seems to be a pretty fair concensus that both are necessary to satisfy those of us who have these types of interests...

An additional question/clarification: the major reason I raised this question is because I'm currently trying to find someone, myself.  So, I was wondering whether it's best to try to meet people who have similar (if not identical) kinks and build a personal relationship, or try to find someone who shares the same outside interests (perhaps on a vanilla dating site), and try to introduce them to my fetishes.  I realize that the ideal would be to find someone who shares many of my interests (vanilla and fetish), but that is proving to be a bit easier said than done.

Ultimately, I do want a complete relationship, as many of those who have responded seem to have, but I'm just having trouble figuring out how to go about finding it.



susie -> RE: More important to a LTR: BDSM or vanilla interests? (2/3/2007 4:10:34 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: defiantbadgirl

But how many do you know that only engage in protected oral sex? The majority of people who say they only practice safe sex say something entirely different when asked what protection they use during oral. Most of them haven't even thought about it. Scary.


I know plenty who engage in protected oral sex which is exactly my point. I know of women who would not consider giving oral sex unless the man used a condom. Not everyone behaves in the same was so do not assume things and do not generalise about people.



4u2spoil -> RE: More important to a LTR: BDSM or vanilla interests? (2/3/2007 4:18:58 PM)

I think this has been misinterpreted by a lot of people. For someone who has a strong interest in D/s and wants a monogamous relationship, it probably won't happen unless both vanilla and kink interests are satisfied. I agree with that. I know one sub who is married, but has full permission of his wife to explore D/s with others (she has no interest) and that works for them but he isn't able to be monogomous with his wife because the kink isn't there. Their communication is open enough, and there relationship is solid enough that it doesn't make a difference, so it's not always a bad thing.

I don't think this statement was meant to say that non-monogamous relationships can't me long term, or that all monogamous relationships have to have a combination of vanilla interests and kink. Just that if someone has strong D/s or kink interests and their partner doesn't, or if they have lots of other interests and their partner doesn't share any, it probably wouldn't work for a monogamous relationship.



quote:

ORIGINAL: defiantbadgirl
What I'm saying is for those of us who seek a monogamous relationship, there is no way a relationship can remain monogamous without both vanilla and kink.



softcoresicko -> RE: More important to a LTR: BDSM or vanilla interests? (2/3/2007 4:32:29 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: 4u2spoil

I think it just takes time. After trying both routes for a while, it takes a while to find someone who isn't so focused on fetishes and kink that they don't bother to get to know you as a person, and someone who isn't going to look at you strangely when you ask them to try something new. Then there's natural attraction/chemistry to throw in and it gets trickier.

Just get out there, give it your best shot and don't stop trying to find what you need/want. If going the vanilla route, I'd say to drop some hints so that you don't end up completely disappointed. You don't have to mention specific acts, but really describe your personality and the personality of the person who'd be right for you.


Thank you.  It does seem that dropping hints would be the way to go (if pursuing a more vanilla route).  I'm trying to keep trying; I've been bouncing back over to collarme in between responses here, as well as looking at other, more vanilla sites.



defiantbadgirl -> RE: More important to a LTR: BDSM or vanilla interests? (2/3/2007 5:06:56 PM)

To the OP, I read your profile. Wish there were more men like you in my area.



RavenMuse -> RE: More important to a LTR: BDSM or vanilla interests? (2/3/2007 5:44:55 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: defiantbadgirl
To the OP, I read your profile. Wish there were more men like you in my area.

Read the profile too and whilst I didn't have the same responce to it [:D]
Cudos young Man, that reads like you know what you want, have a good idea of how to get it and above all it reads like an HONEST profile.... something a great many profiles leave the reader in doubt of!



RandomGAGirl -> RE: More important to a LTR: BDSM or vanilla interests? (2/3/2007 6:52:45 PM)

I think it is a combo..  I have got to have some common interests with the one I serve for us to get on at all together on a daily basis because like someone else said there is more to this than kink and sex.  Even if the physical and mental Domination was amazing things would start to get strained if we had NOTHING in common.



kindaeasy69 -> RE: More important to a LTR: BDSM or vanilla interests? (2/3/2007 9:06:02 PM)

I’ve been thinking about your question on and off, and I honestly am not sure I have an answer to your original question.  My initial reaction was to say vanilla interests, and I do believe that is true.  However it does seem to me that it is more likely to find someone with the same kink/fetish and grow into each other’s vanilla interests, than it is to find a “vanilla” and grow into each other’s (or more likely my) kinks.  Most of my vanilla interests are enjoyable enough to the masses that with a little careful choosing the “right” person would be open to experiencing them.  Also it has been my experience that some of my kinks are unique enough that even open-minded “vanilla” women who are into kinky sex are often more than a little freaked out by some of them.  In all honesty though, I have never meet a woman due to our common interest in kink, only due to vanilla interests, so I certainly wouldn’t dismiss that as a method.  And I would add that most so called “vanilla” women I have dated have at a minimum wanted to explore at least one element of BDSM, once they became aware of my involvement with it (which is usually pretty quick).

As poorly thought out as my answer is, this is a subject I have put a lot of thought into.  While I’m sure there is probably the “perfect” woman out there who has no idea she has a submissive side just waiting to come out.  I think I would prefer to find someone who has already decided to explore it.  However, for me, this is due to the fact that after experiencing a relationship with a D/s component, I have realized why I have never been completely fulfilled in any relationship that did not have that dynamic. 

Kindaeasy



softcoresicko -> RE: More important to a LTR: BDSM or vanilla interests? (2/3/2007 9:13:15 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: RavenMuse

quote:

ORIGINAL: defiantbadgirl
To the OP, I read your profile. Wish there were more men like you in my area.

Read the profile too and whilst I didn't have the same responce to it [:D]
Cudos young Man, that reads like you know what you want, have a good idea of how to get it and above all it reads like an HONEST profile.... something a great many profiles leave the reader in doubt of!



defiantbadgirl: I wish there were more women like you in my area, as well ;)

RavenMuse: Thank you for the compliment; I was trying for an honest profile, because otherwise, what do I really have?



reamer -> RE: More important to a LTR: BDSM or vanilla interests? (2/3/2007 9:32:40 PM)

I won't stay in a relationship if I remember the first kiss vividly and the woman does not, no matter what she gives me of her ass.

I won't stay if she remembers that but wants me to do nilla things for her I don't like but WON'T give me her ass.

I won't stay if we can't have a decent conversation and MUTUALLY enjoy it for over 40 minutes without break no matter how hot the sex was (nilla anal or kinky)

I won't stay if that conversation happens but all she wants is oral (either way, because it's "easy") along with crappy missionary vaginal, because then there's no "emotional risk".

I did not stay when someone said (to her friends, in public) I was the best sex she'd ever had (and those friends KNEWher well, and knew she had the Story of O and 2 books by the Marquis De Sade by her bedside as a "hint" to new male lovers).  No matter how hard and "owwwwwies" she took it in her lovely asshole, no matter the "tiesie-upsies" she enjoyed.

I did not stay when a woman was so intellectually compatible, we could speak for 7 hours straight, no sex, be thrilled at that, but she was dishonest about being ASEXUAL, even after we were engaged.  (women are JUST as disengenous as males, just over different things).

You need 100% to keep going.  Whether that's 40% of your kink and 60% of your nilla, or 80% of your kink and 20% of your nilla, no matter.

But the real answer to the original question is not "nilla versus kink" for LTR.

The answer is, if you are giving someone 70% of what they need, and they only give you back 40% or less of what YOU need, are you dumb enough to try tyo make that relationship an LTR?  Male or female, gay or straight?



LadyJulieAnn -> RE: More important to a LTR: BDSM or vanilla interests? (2/4/2007 11:00:50 AM)

For me, there needs to be a balance between BDSM and vanilla activities.  I am very fortunate to have found a partner who shares similar interests in both areas, and life is really good. [:)]

Be well,
Julie



michaels4evr -> RE: More important to a LTR: BDSM or vanilla interests? (2/4/2007 11:39:54 AM)

Interesting points..when my Daddy and I met, we did not share many of the same interests at all..be it vanilla stuff or kink stuff..however, we have both been open to exploring the other person's world and found that we enjoy visiting and in some cases have even adopted some of the other's interests as our own...most importantly we do not stand in the other person's way of fun, experiences or expression..so I think I agree with those who state that common values, goals, and personal ethics are most important.



denika -> RE: More important to a LTR: BDSM or vanilla interests? (2/4/2007 11:49:40 AM)

Like most in ltr it is a bit from column A and a bit from column B. Rob and I don't share all the same kinks but we are like minded and that helped to talk about what works and what doesn't. He may not have the same passion for SM that I do but he is not revolted or shocked by it.   We can share our intrests even if it's just to understand each other better.

What works for us is the ability to have an open mind to share our intrests and that we have a simular outlook. We both came intot he relationship 16 years ago honest about the fact neither of us were monogamous, if that big peice of the puzzle hadn't been discussed before hand I'm not sure how well it would have gone.if that was something we didn't share.


denika



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