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sissymaidlola -> RE: What are the signs/traits of a good Dom/me? (3/10/2005 8:17:32 AM)
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OK, sissy is up for this. When he first decided to post a response here, he thought he would come up with just half-a-dozen character qualities like most of the other people that had already posted here (as of last night). When he started to make a list of the most obvious criteria off the top of his head he had already exceeded ten ... so he couldn't even call his post his top ten most important character traits (which is just as well, because everyone would have accused him of having stolen his list from Letterman!). Thinking a little harder about the OP's question added even more criteria. Some of the qualities he initially listed, such as chivalry (yes, even Women can be chivalrous, that is NOT a male-only characteristic!) seemed too all-embracing or abstract, so sissy tried to substitute the actual qualities that most people agree would constitute chivalry for that term.
This added even more character traits to the list. Some of the qualities could be seen as being somewhat overlapping ... for instance, one can't have integrity, consistency and adept and open communication without honesty, so should honesty be listed in its own right ? Or, alternatively, since it is at the heart of the other related traits, should honesty be listed and not the other three qualities ? In the end, sissy simply decided to add some qualifying definitions to his list of character traits to better bring out what facets they individually bring to the mix, and some traits such as generosity and curiosity definitely needed further definition anyway. sissy Is not seeking a Domina partner that is a nosey-parker !
In the end the list reached twenty criteria, which is a nice round number, so sissy stopped at this juncture. The list is meant to be in descending order of importance (for sissy personally ... attach your own relative importance to the listed items) and was originally numbered. But quite frankly, many of the qualities are equally important, and sissy found himself continually tweaking the order ... is honesty more important than integrity or vice versa ? So, at the last minute, the numbering was removed as well.
A couple of final thoughts. If sissy identified as Dom (behind all his frills and curtsies he is an alpha male after all) the list would probably be exactly the same. So he is not so sure that this question really has anything to do with Dom/mes versus subs and slaves. Furthermore, if sissy (as his alpha male alter ego) was out on a vanilla date with a woman, and she asked the same question (well, not the same question exactly, because she is vanilla and Dom/mes wouldn't come into it, the question now being simply, "What kind of person(s) do you seek out in life to spend your intimate time with ?") the list would also be pretty much the same, so sissy isn't so certain that this is even a BDSM only related question. In short, sissy's answer remains the same whether the question is asked from a vanilla or BDSM perspective, or within the latter context, from the Dominant / Sadist or submissive / masochist perspective. Strength of character is strength of character is strength of character ...
a great sense of humor and wit - The ability to make me laugh and also to appreciate my sense of humor is imperative.
self-deprecation - Still on humor, the ability to laugh at themselves and not take themselves too seriously. Too many Dom/mes mistakenly think that arrogance and posturing are both attractive and that they successfully disguise Their obvious failings in other areas.
intelligence - Goes without saying.
adept and open communication - Say what you mean, mean what you say, never hold back.
honesty - Always to have respect for the truth and (also important) contempt for deceit.
integrity - Never to sell out on core values and beliefs.
consistency - Logical and ethical consistency; everything that sloppy thinking and hypocrisy is not!
trustworthiness - Perhaps the most critical quality required for participation in a D/s lifestyle. A submissive / slave must be able to have absolute trust in the Dom/me to whom they give their power.
discretion - The better part of valor (= bravery = chivalry). Discretion is also an imperative in BDSM.
loyalty and fidelity - A feeling of allegiance, devoted attachment and affection; the ability to always stand by and protect and defend Their pet / property.
courage - The ability to stand up for what is right in the face of stiff opposition (rather than the ability to be physically brave in the face of all kinds of danger and adversity ... although that would be good, too).
charm, grace, good manners - Needs no explaining. Another side of chivalry.
self-confidence, poise and aplomb - A belief in one's own abilities and actions, and a disposition to match.
curiosity - A desire to embrace and appreciate the wonders of life; NOT nosiness!
tolerance and open-mindedness - Always receptive to the ideas of others; never to pre-judge others.
compassion and empathy - To feel and understand my pain and to share and celebrate my bliss.
generosity - Magnanimity and nobility of thought; NOT a constant source of gifts and baubles.
honor - To be held in high esteem by others (not just by me).
tenacity - Persistence and stick-to-it-ness; NOT stubborness.
patience - The ability to endure hardship, difficulty, or inconvenience without complaint, with an emphasis on calmness, self-control, and the willingness or ability to tolerate delay. Courage and tenacity and patience may be three facets of a more fundamental quality that sissy can't quite put his finger on ! Tolerance and patience are also closely related.
[Edited update] Having read Mercnbeth's excellent post on the Protagonistlily's corresponding thread WRT submissive / slave traits, and also thought about this some more with sissy's Dom hat on <giggles>, sissy needs to amend this post. Although all of the character traits listed above are important to both Dom/mes AND subs / slaves, clearly their priority ordering would be different in each case. Plus there are seven obvious traits missing from the current list that are imperatives for any "good sub traits" list (and arguably some of the multi-term traits could be further split up, while there are yet other clearly desirable submissive traits that are also, arguably, still missing):
obeisance, respect, deference and courtesy
humility and modesty
obedience and compliance
devotion, adoration and worship
flexibility and adaptability
interpersonal sensitivity
acceptance of dependence
The fact that sissy did not emphasize the above traits while compiling his initial list is indicative that, as a submissive male, he doesn't rate these qualities highly in a Domina, yet he is fully aware of their importance in his own nature as a submissive. The hard thing here is working out which seven Dom/me qualities need to be shed from the above list to make room for these submissive / slave qualities in order to keep the list capped at twenty criteria. But here goes ... they would have to be:
courage
honor
self-confidence, poise and aplomb
compassion and empathy
generosity
Hmmm, that last one was difficult. Although most Dom/mes would not rate magnanimity (which was the primary meaning that got it onto sissy's Dom/me list) that highly in a submissive or slave, it would almost definitely make Their list in its alternative meaning of willing giver.
Now sissy is really stymied. He can't think of anything else to shed. If sissy was going to have a submissive or slave, he would want her to have a great sense of humor and also to be intelligent. Being a submissive does not mean being a dullard! OTOH, those are both traits that many Dom/mes consider as making a submissive or slave a disrespectful smart ass or even a SAM. They are the two traits that continually get sissy into trouble as a submissive. So it looks like they will have to be the one's to go ... shame ... :(
WRT the reordering of priorities between the "good Dom/me" and "good submissive / slave" criteria, patience, tenacity and curiosity (= a willingness to learn and try new things) would probably all appear higher on the latter list than on the former one.
WRT a vanilla versus BDSM list, the three qualities trustworthiness, discretion and loyalty should probably appear right at the top of any BDSM list (they are core to the whole essence of BDSM). The fact that sissy listed these traits lower down the list really only indicates that he had already "vanillarized" the list in his mind (i.e., most of us have to think in terms of our vanilla life in preference to our darker BDSM desires and fantasies).
Respectfrilly Yours,
sissy maid lola
[image]local://upfiles/21203/7550AAD373274EA8911F0BC3852D002C.jpg[/image]
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