RE: What are the signs/traits of a good Dom/me? (Full Version)

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LadyAngelika -> RE: What are the signs/traits of a good Dom/me? (3/11/2005 3:09:07 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: songbird26
He doesn't have anything to prove to anyone, least of all himself, and understands how to have and hold the upper hand without yanking out his figurative (or literal, I guess!) dick and waving it about in an attempt to impress. *grin*


Yeah, see, as a dominant, I don't do that. <edited to add, cos usually my dick is sitting at home in my toycase :p>

Which leads me to ask, if that is the sign of an incompetent male Dom, what does a Femme Domme do to show her incompetence?

- LA



LadyAngelika -> RE: What are the signs/traits of a good Dom/me? (3/11/2005 3:21:52 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: MsSilvie
quote:

ORIGINAL: EmeraldSlave2
quote:

ORIGINAL: PaintedLady
quote:

LOL how do you reconcile this with what ALL the subs said on another thread about how they test their doms to push and see how authoritative they really are?

Dear ES-

I am the queen of the leash jerkers! If my Dom gives me a rule, I will at least bend it just to see what happens. If he comes back and seems to let it slide, well he just lost a little bit of respect from me.


Again, how do you reconcile the two statements then?

A) A good dominant won't push anything, he will simply wait and see if you accept it or not.

B) A good dominant will push you back down if you choose not to accept it at first. If he doesn't, you lose respect for him.

They are conflicting statements.

I'm not discussing things like correction, you forgot something, it let him do something very hot and direct to you to correct you for it, and that's that. I'm discussing the submissive willfully and consciouslly "pulling the leash."

Will a good dominant simply let the sub go, since she has not the sense to be secure in who he is? OR will he push her back down and play into her actions?



I think I understand how the two seemingly contradictory statements work. I think a healthy dominant will wait until there is agreement as to what the rules of the relationship are. Once rules are in place, and understood by everyone, they are enforced, if need be. A good dominant does not make one sided decisions, or demands on a submissive that are random. Nothing says "idiot" more than a huge ol' list of rules that some dominants seem to keep a copy of in their back pocket to whip out at the first sign of a submissive being interested with demands of "you will obey all these!". Everyone has rules, formal or not. You present them, perhaps clarify or modify where appropriate. If the submissive agrees, cool, you're off to a good start. At that point, you enforce rules if need be. But you don't chase anything submissive down with a list of "you will do this" just because you think that's how a dominant should act.



Makes perfect sense to me. This is what I like to call the constant tension of the power-exchange.

It's like if in a purely vanilla relationship, the seduction were to die out, then things would get mechanical and either they would fall into a rutt or break up.

When you add WIITWD into the mix, part of that seduction is the power exchange. The Dominant lures the submissive. The submissive approaches and if they are comfortable with the scenario, gives their submission. But they haven't given it for good and for always. Seduction is like constant negotiation, the interplay that keeps things hot, sexy and challenging.

- LA



softysub -> RE: What are the signs/traits of a good Dom/me? (3/12/2005 10:33:53 AM)

For me, it was being comfortable with him, to allow me to express myself, to know what my limits were and let me be who i was, accepting me as i was.

softysub



teachmetobeg -> RE: What are the signs/traits of a good Dom/me? (3/12/2005 9:35:53 PM)

For me, a good Dom is someone who has control, but does not over use it. Rather than Sir just punishing me, he explains to me why i am being punished. He gives me choices in my punishment and if it seems as though i am not handling it well (as i am new), He will be kind and lighten it for me. i do not expect Him to do that all of the time, but He shows compassion in that way. The other side to Sir that makes Him a good Dom is that He also provides a lot of nurturing and emotional support.



songbird26 -> RE: What are the signs/traits of a good Dom/me? (3/13/2005 7:04:52 AM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyAngelika

Yeah, see, as a dominant, I don't do that. <edited to add, cos usually my dick is sitting at home in my toycase :p>

Which leads me to ask, if that is the sign of an incompetent male Dom, what does a Femme Domme do to show her incompetence?

- LA



*laughing* Well, the dick-waving can be figurative, too...sort of that "I am DOMINANT, damn it, see how DOMINANT I am? Look at my DOMINANCE! Measure it! Isn't that just the biggest DOMINANCE you've ever seen? Yeah baby." So to speak. I'd guess that a Domina who was approaching the relationship from a place of insecurity or arrogance, feeling the need to prove herself over and over, would do pretty much the same thing (minus the actual physical appendage, natch. *grin*).

I'll add, also, that maybe it's a testosterone thing, maybe it's something else entirely (the difficulty of finding acceptance in a society that's still fairly patriarchal, perhaps, and the surety of self that comes from that?), but the female dominants that I have interacted with have been of a generally higher calibre (overall, I'm generalizing here) than the male dominants, in this regard.



LadyAngelika -> RE: What are the signs/traits of a good Dom/me? (3/13/2005 8:55:07 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: songbird26

quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyAngelika

Yeah, see, as a dominant, I don't do that. <edited to add, cos usually my dick is sitting at home in my toycase :p>

Which leads me to ask, if that is the sign of an incompetent male Dom, what does a Femme Domme do to show her incompetence?

- LA



*laughing* Well, the dick-waving can be figurative, too...sort of that "I am DOMINANT, damn it, see how DOMINANT I am? Look at my DOMINANCE! Measure it! Isn't that just the biggest DOMINANCE you've ever seen? Yeah baby." So to speak. I'd guess that a Domina who was approaching the relationship from a place of insecurity or arrogance, feeling the need to prove herself over and over, would do pretty much the same thing (minus the actual physical appendage, natch. *grin*).

I'll add, also, that maybe it's a testosterone thing, maybe it's something else entirely (the difficulty of finding acceptance in a society that's still fairly patriarchal, perhaps, and the surety of self that comes from that?), but the female dominants that I have interacted with have been of a generally higher calibre (overall, I'm generalizing here) than the male dominants, in this regard.



Ha! Thanks for the clarification. I was actually pulling your leg a little.

- LA



wildtongue21 -> RE: What are the signs/traits of a good Dom/me? (3/14/2005 1:27:36 PM)

hello,nice wife



Westernboy2534 -> RE: What are the signs/traits of a good Dom/me? (4/9/2005 8:02:26 PM)

I think the most important traits in a Dom or Domme would be patience, emotional stability and a side of tenderness mixed in with a sense of empathy. I have heard horror stories that there are some Doms and Dommes out there who are missing one or all of these traits. Hopefully potential subs will recognize the warning signs before getting involved with these bad examples of the lifestyle. It is a no win situation for both. The Dom or Domme dont see what a danger they are and the sub winds up getting hurt big time. The real crime as I said, there are Doms and Dommes who are like this out there and they think there is nothing wrong with them and the way they conduct themselves in the lifestyle. And the sub is the one who pays the price. Just because he or she wants to serve a dominant. And the dominant thinks nothing about their subs feelings, and does not take into consideration their mental well being. Just a thought.



cellogrrlMK -> RE: What are the signs/traits of a good Dom/me? (4/9/2005 9:46:35 PM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyAngelika

Anything else to be added?





I would add "consistency"... in all aspects unless it is something to be discussed. For example, being told how the Dom expects to be greeted and then changing his mind and coming up with another way to be greeted, then changing his mind again... seems like a little thing but it really isn't.



EmeraldSlave2 -> RE: What are the signs/traits of a good Dom/me? (4/9/2005 11:37:15 PM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyAngelika
Seduction is like constant negotiation, the interplay that keeps things hot, sexy and challenging.

- LA

Perhaps that is the difference then, the Owner never negotiated or negotiates with me. He laid it out, and I could either accept or reject it.

And it's certainly not a problem when it comes to keeping things hot and sexy and challenging, in fact the Owner would find it VERY much a turn-off if I pushed him and "tested" him.



smile2cu -> RE: What are the signs/traits of a good Dom/me? (4/10/2005 10:36:06 AM)

I'm awfully glad to have come across this thread. I've always thought of myself as somewhat sub, with exceptions gladly made for service.

I was at the local Munch again. Met several very nice fem-subs, and got into a conversation about their Doms. Some of the Doms were apparently not treating them very well. I'm not talking about consentual sadism, or anything within BDSM, just plain being rude, thoughtless, and plain cruel.

I felt very protective of the subs. And I found myself thinking "I'd make a much better Dom than what they've got!"

Hard to imagine me being a Dom, but real easy to imagine having a fem-sub. [:D]

I was worried, however, that I'm too nice a person to Dom, so this thread was a great reassurance. I do in fact have the qualities described of a good Dom. So I think I'll Switch a bit further.

Fem-subs: Don't hesitate to volunteer.[:)]



lil1v -> RE: What are the signs/traits of a good Dom/me? (4/10/2005 1:53:29 PM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: smile2cu

I was worried, however, that I'm too nice a person to Dom, so this thread was a great reassurance. I do in fact have the qualities described of a good Dom. So I think I'll Switch a bit further.



Oddly enough I've heard this from several men. "I'm too nice to be a Dom" To which my head boggles and I wanna slap them silly.

I HATE it when people think Dom/mes have to be assholes. Its like nails on the chalkboard to me. Whats worse is the Dom/mes that think "Well I'm a Dom (or Domme) so I'm supposed to be an asshole"...

Ugh.. I know I can't Domme, but just hearing a Dom/me express that point of view makes me want to become a Domme and start my own "house" and "save" all the poor subs under those Dom/mes. (Course the thing that stops me, is that.. well .. I don't wanna Domme, and the few times I have had to.. well.. lets just say I'm not good with power.)




iamdownonmyknees -> RE: What are the signs/traits of a good Dom/me? (4/10/2005 5:06:17 PM)

Knowing that she can take me and use me however she wishes. But being nurturing and smart enough to not take me to a space that would break or harm me (standard distinction between hurting and harming).

I want more pain and degradation than I can probably handle. She only allows me to increase it as I’ve demonstrated my ability to cope with what has gone before.

While I’m striving to give what I can, maybe more than I’m really able to I know that she want let me go deeper than I should that night. Maybe the next night or next week.

The trust I can place in her makes me feel like a very lucky man.

Richard



EmeraldSlave2 -> RE: What are the signs/traits of a good Dom/me? (4/10/2005 7:49:32 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: smile2cu

I felt very protective of the subs. And I found myself thinking "I'd make a much better Dom than what they've got!"

So you felt "protective" of "nice subs" who publicly and blatantly complained about and insulted the dominants they go home to and have committed themselves to in supposedly long-term relationships?

You want to be the next dom on their chat list?

Those poor poor lost subs need your protection, run, help them, quick!



harmony3709 -> RE: What are the signs/traits of a good Dom/me? (4/10/2005 10:01:09 PM)

quote:

I was at the local Munch again. Met several very nice fem-subs, and got into a conversation about their Doms. Some of the Doms were apparently not treating them very well. I'm not talking about consentual sadism, or anything within BDSM, just plain being rude, thoughtless, and plain cruel.


I didn't read anything in this remark about these submissives "publicly and blatantly complained about and insulted the dominants they go home to and have committed themselves to in supposedly long-term relationships." Maybe it was the way that smile2cu interpreted their comments.

Regardless, I think it is very chivalrous of you, smile2cu, that you feel protective, as well as kind and caring. I think those are good traits whether Dom or sub. I am protective of those I care about, and am grateful to those who care about me and look out for me. I am a very independent person in general and in fact have a difficult time turning to others for support or help, although as I am not bullet-proof, I appreciate friends who "have my back" so to speak.

Play safe,

harmony




slaveanwyl -> RE: What are the signs/traits of a good Dom/me? (4/11/2005 3:21:14 AM)

For me the signs can easily be read in the communcation aspects before the relationship becomes real time.
if the Dom is open and communcation is easy and free then there is a distinct possiblity they are good Dom/Dommes.. i found when searching for a Master the transition between chatting to acceptig as Master was important this was where all the questions were asked, and all the answers given if the Dom stopped communicating openly in these stages then it had a red sign meaning stop and i could not react correctly if i had doubts in my head i would put on the breaks automatically and i would become awkard until my questions were answered..
one thing that really got up my nose and made me quit talking to a Dom was when if you disagreed with them on an issue and They did not speak to you for days in there head they were punishing you but that is not what happened for me i lost trust in them if they did that silent thing on me because it said to me if i want to say something they will not listen they will go off on one and expect it go away and dissappear this was terrible for a slave if she had walked so far down the road had been in submisson i know lots of Doms do it but to a slave it can damage the new relationship and she will back off...

so to me a good Dom/Domme will first and foremost listen to the sub/slave and communcation channels wil always be open even after collaring time will be taken to talk to the slave..
for me now i am collared if i need to talk to Master i ask permission and it is always granted and any issues are always talked about , this does not mean that the slave gets her own way not at all it just gives time to talk avout what is bothering you and that enhances the submission because you know you can approach you Dom/Domme at anytime about anything so trust gets deeper and as a result so dies submission aand in turn control can be deepened and limits pushed..



EmeraldSlave2 -> RE: What are the signs/traits of a good Dom/me? (4/11/2005 5:49:17 AM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: harmony3709

I didn't read anything in this remark about these submissives "publicly and blatantly complained about and insulted the dominants they go home to and have committed themselves to in supposedly long-term relationships." Maybe it was the way that smile2cu interpreted their comments.

"Some of the Doms were apparently not treating them very well. I'm not talking about consentual sadism, or anything within BDSM, just plain being rude, thoughtless, and plain cruel."

OK I consider talking about someone being rude, thoughtless and cruel (in the non purposeful sadistic sense) as complaining and insulting to that person. They certainly aren't compliments. And this "chivalrous person" obviously didn't think they were compliments either.
quote:


Regardless, I think it is very chivalrous of you, smile2cu, that you feel protective, as well as kind and caring. I think those are good traits whether Dom or sub. I am protective of those I care about, and am grateful to those who care about me and look out for me. I am a very independent person in general and in fact have a difficult time turning to others for support or help, although as I am not bullet-proof, I appreciate friends who "have my back" so to speak.

Play safe,

harmony



Didn't sound so much like he had their back, but wanted to take advantage of their situation and make them his. Which, if that's what everyone wants, more power to them.

Personally, most doms I know don't want to be with a sub who's going to so frivolously talk bad about them to random people at munches.

But yes, it's nice that those poor-non-doormat-indepedent-adults-who-made-a-consensual-choice to be with someone they supposedly obey and respect have someone so nice to "protect them" from their cruel, rude and thoughtless doms (but not meant in the insulting and complaining way).



smile2cu -> RE: What are the signs/traits of a good Dom/me? (4/11/2005 9:51:53 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: EmeraldSlave2
quote:

ORIGINAL: harmony3709
I didn't read anything in this remark about these submissives "publicly and blatantly complained about and insulted the dominants they go home to and have committed themselves to in supposedly long-term relationships." Maybe it was the way that smile2cu interpreted their comments.

"Some of the Doms were apparently not treating them very well. I'm not talking about consentual sadism, or anything within BDSM, just plain being rude, thoughtless, and plain cruel."

OK I consider talking about someone being rude, thoughtless and cruel (in the non purposeful sadistic sense) as complaining and insulting to that person. They certainly aren't compliments. And this "chivalrous person" obviously didn't think they were compliments either.
quote:


Regardless, I think it is very chivalrous of you, smile2cu, that you feel protective, as well as kind and caring. I think those are good traits whether Dom or sub. I am protective of those I care about, and am grateful to those who care about me and look out for me. I am a very independent person in general and in fact have a difficult time turning to others for support or help, although as I am not bullet-proof, I appreciate friends who "have my back" so to speak.

Play safe,
harmony

Didn't sound so much like he had their back, but wanted to take advantage of their situation and make them his. Which, if that's what everyone wants, more power to them.

Personally, most doms I know don't want to be with a sub who's going to so frivolously talk bad about them to random people at munches.

But yes, it's nice that those poor-non-doormat-indepedent-adults-who-made-a-consensual-choice to be with someone they supposedly obey and respect have someone so nice to "protect them" from their cruel, rude and thoughtless doms (but not meant in the insulting and complaining way).

No, harmony had it right. This was in the context of a Munch. What was said was factual, not said in a particularly complaining manner, and was said privately. I had no intention of actually "protecting" these particular subs. But the feelings were there. I'm just saying that it had never before occurred to me that I might make a good Dom. The more I think about it the more sensible it seems to me, particularly after reading this thread.
In fact I've already changed the description in my profile slighltly to reflect this. Now "Profile Pending."

Thanks to all for the reassurance that a good Dom can be nice!



harmony3709 -> RE: What are the signs/traits of a good Dom/me? (4/11/2005 3:14:55 PM)

I don't read predator or troll into every comment made by a man, so, whether right or wrong, I guess that is why I read and interpreted smile2cu's post the way I did. And since I wasn't involved in the conversations that were referred to, I would not feel comfortable stating whether they were insulting or disrespectful to their Doms or not. Although I will add that I have been involved in conversations with submissives that were venting, something that as fallable humans, we may do at times with friends who may be in a position to understand. Maybe they didn't read that section of the submissive handbook stating that they were not supposed to have those kinds of human needs........(said of course with tongue in cheek.......smile).

I also don't define doormat as someone who may be in a situation where they are so engrossed in it that they may not realize that they are not being treated as they should be. This is not just a D/s situation, this is vanilla as well. This is not a submissive trait -- this is a human one. Sometimes it takes someone with a different perspective to point this out, who hears the comments made in every-day conversation and thinks, wow, it sounds to me like something is not right here. I, myself, have been on both sides of that situation.

I don't feel the need to do the "I am submissive -- hear me roar" chant, no more than I would want the Dominant equivalent of that in anyone I was involved with. Heaven help me, it's hard enough for me to remember that I may need taking care of every once in a while, and allow someone to actually do that, so I'm grateful for my friends who know that I'm an independent-non-doormat-adult but am also very human, not bullet-proof and all-knowing, and care enough about me to remind me of this and point out something they may be concerned about.

Of course, that's just me and the munch/community in my area. We look out for each other............(smile). Your mileage may vary and not everyone is looking for the same thing.

Be well,
harmony



chainedgirl -> RE: What are the signs/traits of a good Dom/me? (4/22/2005 2:58:03 AM)

Just wanted to make 3 points to what i've read here.

1. i agree with the list of what makes a good Dom/me, but i'm surprised no-one mentioned the one point that defines an abuser from the real thing..and abuse will demand you have no contact with anyone you know. The real thing will demand you remain in contact with family and friends, because they understand that abuse starts when these networks are gone.

2. i am a feminist and a slave. Feminism has gone through many stages over the last century, from the suffrogette movement which was predominately about middle class women gaining the right to vote, to modern day feminism which was only ever really about women having the right to choose. Many people tried to sub-categorise that into the right to choose wardrobe, the right to choose to work, the right to choose to not have a family, the right to choose own relationship style, etc etc. But the basis of feminism has always been a woman's right to choose her own life. Hence, since being a submissive/slave is going against the norm, i would say any female who chooses this life is a feminist.

3. my Master is one of the nicest people i have ever met, He will go out of His way to help just about anyone and has been taken advantage of in the past for this. People who meet Him continually say the same things about Him, honest, chivalrous and honour personified. Yet, He can dominate me like no-other.

chained girl who very much loves her Master.



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