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RE: Questions about when to re-locate... - 2/11/2007 10:27:07 PM

SusanofO

Posts: 5672
Joined: 12/19/2005
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I appreciate all of the comments. Thanks a lot. I have never re-located to be near anyone before - and I do need feed-back here. Thanks.

juliaoceania, I really appreciated your comments. Good luck to you - I am excited for you, hon! I know our circumstances are a little different - but I appreciated the positive thoughts, just the same.

I also appreciated the comments on the effect all of the "newness" can have on a person. I do take anti-depressants, ao I am taking that part very seriously - and know I need to "wade in" gradually, as far as allowing myself plenty of time and space to get used to new surroundings, etc. I think my Dominant knows this, too - and that he'd be committed to giving me that time.

I don't anticipate any huge problems as far as becoming depressed - on the other hand - I've never been in this situation. I liked julia's comment about things that are done can also be un-done - that was a good thing to keep in mind - as up to this point, I'd been thinking I was maybe contemplating some irrevocable move here. I am not, really.

- Susan

< Message edited by SusanofO -- 2/11/2007 10:35:40 PM >

_____________________________

"Hope is the thing with feathers,
That perches in the soul,
And sings the tune without the words,
And never stops at all". - Emily Dickinson

(in reply to YourhandMyAss)

Post #: 21

RE: Questions about when to re-locate... - 2/11/2007 10:35:27 PM

Missokyst

Posts: 6041
Joined: 9/9/2006
Status: offline

If you want to move, move for your own sake, not him. Stretching your wings is important if you have spent all of your life in one area. And if this also allows you to spend the time to get to know someone well before things get more serious, that is good too. But CYB, make sure you have plenty of backup plans in place.
You might also want to take a look at this thread;
http://www.collarchat.com/m_821612/tm.htm

Personally, I woudn't want to move for a guy. But if you want to take a chance, take it for you, and hope that good things come from it.
Kyst

_____________________________

pain is the breaking of the shell that encloses your understanding ~Gibran, Kahlil

“The truth is, everyone is going to hurt you. You just got to find the ones worth suffering for.”
― Bob Marley

(in reply to SusanofO)

Post #: 22

RE: Questions about when to re-locate... - 2/11/2007 10:36:54 PM

SusanofO

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Joined: 12/19/2005
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Thanks, Missokyst. I will read the thread, too.

Somone else commented on kowing how he feels on certain topics: Do we want kids? No. Marriage? Possibly - probably, at some point.

Is he going to keep doing the same thing professionally? He is semi-retired now (but still makes a good income, due to his profession and his competence) but - generally yes - until he decides to completely retire - and in this same city, I'd guess. But maybe not -we should probably discuss this more. As far as my "career" (non-existent as it is, at this point) - I am contemplating delving into an entirely new area, or going back to school.

He was Poly for a long time, but now wants Monogamy. I don't have a problem with that - I've been monogamous my entire life, and only wanted to try Poly to see what it was like - I am still somewhat committed to the idea - but he doesn't have a problem with that at all - but I am not so sure I'd really act on it (I've never done it) but want the option. He has clearly stated he doesn't care if I had a side-relationship (as long as he was my main one), and would be open to this, should it ever occur (he is not a jealous type, and has a history of being Poly himself). I doubt I'd act on it, but maybe.

Yes, we still have lots to talk about. But so far, so good, it looks like.

- Susan

- Susan

< Message edited by SusanofO -- 2/11/2007 10:49:34 PM >

_____________________________

"Hope is the thing with feathers,
That perches in the soul,
And sings the tune without the words,
And never stops at all". - Emily Dickinson

(in reply to Missokyst)

Post #: 23

RE: Questions about when to re-locate... - 2/11/2007 10:55:19 PM

taintedgypsy

Posts: 228
Joined: 2/10/2007
Status: offline

I am sorry SusanofO if I came accross negitively, it was not my intention. If I had to do it over again, I would. If worse came to worse, I leave this relationship a far richer person than when I entered it and would not swap the time I have had with Him for the world.

If we only ever acted on what was 100% certain and never took a risk, I think life would be a tad borring, but to not enter it with open eyes is also foolish. Rose colored glasses are very attractive and certainly inviting but not very practical and can be very dangerous.

I wish you all the best and hope this is exciting and works out well for you. Please do not let my previous comments tarnish your world, they were not meant to at all.

warm smiles

(in reply to SusanofO)

Post #: 24

RE: Questions about when to re-locate... - 2/11/2007 11:08:09 PM

SusanofO

Posts: 5672
Joined: 12/19/2005
Status: offline

taintedgypsy: I really appreciated your comments - I did. It is important I go into this (if I do) with a good awareness of what can go wrong, as well as right. That is why I asked the question. Please don't think I didn't appreciate your comments - they were important for me to hear.

- Susan

_____________________________

"Hope is the thing with feathers,
That perches in the soul,
And sings the tune without the words,
And never stops at all". - Emily Dickinson

(in reply to taintedgypsy)

Post #: 25

RE: Questions about when to re-locate... - 2/12/2007 12:51:53 AM

susie

Posts: 1699
Joined: 11/21/2004
Status: offline

I originally met my Master online and it was never meant to be anything serious as we lived a couple of hours apart. Pretty soon we realised that we wanted to spend more time together and we started to spend weekends at his house. After about 4 months we started talking about living together but as my job is quite specialised and so was his it did not seem that easy. Another month on and I was told that the office I worked in was being closed and I could either move 1 hour North or move to the Southern office which was in easy commute of Masters house. We talked a bit more and decided that things were meant to be and I would move south. I started to look for a house to buy but at the time nothing seemed suitable so I rented a flat in the same town as Masters house. Looking back this was the best thing I could have done in the circumstances. It allowed us to spend a lot of time together whilst giving him the option of going home to his house when he wanted space. This also gave me the time to get used to a commute of an hour and half each way which was very different to the 5 minutes drive I was used to.

I rented the flat for 6 months but continued to look at houses to buy. Interestingly as the months went on and we spent more time together things changed and I stopped looking for a house for me to buy where we could live together and started to look for a home for us. Finally a year and 3 months ago we found the right house and moved in together. It has taken until now for Master to feel comfortable enough and settled enough in our relationship for him to consider selling his house (it has always been there as a back up plan in case he felt that things were just not going to work).

So it has taken us nearly 3 years to get to where we are now. Perhaps I was lucky in that I was able to keep some of my work friends as I already knew some of the colleagues I would be working with when I moved south.

I suppose what it means for me is that even though I was sure a couple of months into knowing him that I wanted to be with him it has taken this amount of time for us to be sure that this is the real thing and that there is total commitment on both sides to the relationship.

(in reply to SusanofO)

Post #: 26

RE: Questions about when to Re-locate for a Dominant... - 2/12/2007 1:08:28 AM

BlkTallFullfig

Posts: 5585
Joined: 6/25/2004
Status: offline

I say if you are moving to his area of the nation because of him, close your house door, leave it with family or rent it out for a few months, or even sell and invest the money in your name for another home perhaps... But move in with him if that is the plan rather than take an apartment near him because that is a waste of money and doesn't exactly accomplish the desired 24/7. Before doing that, I would take a couple of trips and spend several days together at his place and see how that goes.
My first slave was from FL, and we got along famously on 2-3day trips, but once we spent 6days together, we knew long term collaring wasn't in the cards.
Hope that helps, M

_____________________________

a.k.a. SexyBossyBBW
""Touching was, and still is, and will always be, the true revolution" Nikki Giovanni

(in reply to SusanofO)

Post #: 27

RE: Questions about when to Re-locate for a Dominant... - 2/12/2007 3:22:25 AM

gypsygrl

Posts: 1471
Joined: 10/8/2005
From: new york state
Status: offline

Oh dear. My gut says, NONONONONO don't move, yet! You've never done it before, and its not something to be taken lightly. And, if you feel moving is something you want to try, do it for yourself, not to be with someone. If you want an adventure, have an adventure. If you just want to run away, run away. Just leave a trail of bread crumbs behind you so you can find your way home. :)

Since going to college when I was 18, I've moved alot. But, I'm like that, and to be honest, I couldn't wait to get out of my home town and when it came time to choose schools, I picked one that was as far as away from home as I could. I grew up in New Jersey, and my dad said he wouldn't pay for any school west of the missippi, or more than a day's drive away, so I went to Michigan. (I don't even consider an 8 hour drive long distance.) After I got my BA I went to Boston for a couple years to be with my ex-husband. Then, we went back to Michigan. Then to Ohio. And when we separated, I used the same principle for choosing a grad school that I used when choosing my ba program: As far away as I could but still within a days drive. I don't put a lot of thought into moving, and tend to adjust pretty easy and don't have a lot of deep ties and the one's I do are long distance anyway. But thats me and its a pattern that emerged when I was young. I mean, seriously, when I was 11 I decided I wanted to be a truck driver. I see a highway, and its like, I wanna be on it. From what you've said in your op, you don't seem to be like that.

So, I would really encourage you to think about coming up with ways to separate the moving part from developing the new relationship part. In other words, move first, get settled, see if you like it, then worry about moving in with your Dominant after you feel at home in your new location. You may love it. (See JuliaOceania's comments)

Or, go at it from the other direction. You say you're not working and from what I can tell, don't have kids or other considerations tieing you down. Have you thought of going for an extended--say, a month or two--visit? Maybe have someone watch your house for a little while, and have a fixed go home date. When that date comes, go home, take a couple weeks or so to reflect on your visit and stuff like that, then decide whether you want to make a big move. If you're not sure, do it again for maybe longer and see what happens.

I dunno. I hope you can take something from this. :)

_____________________________

“To be happy is to be able to become aware of oneself without fright.” ~Walter Benjamin

(in reply to SusanofO)

Post #: 28

RE: Questions about when to Re-locate for a Dominant... - 2/12/2007 3:31:40 AM

SusanofO

Posts: 5672
Joined: 12/19/2005
Status: offline

I appreciate all of the helpful comments - and am taking it all in. Thank you all.

- Susan

_____________________________

"Hope is the thing with feathers,
That perches in the soul,
And sings the tune without the words,
And never stops at all". - Emily Dickinson

(in reply to gypsygrl)

Post #: 29

RE: Questions about when to re-locate... - 2/12/2007 3:38:21 AM

bandit25

Posts: 3029
Joined: 6/18/2005
Status: offline

Susan. I remember reading in another thread that you two haven't met yet. Or am i remembering incorrectly. And I agree with LA...you just got out of an abusive relationship...slow down. You have plenty of time to make decisions. As someone told me...enjoy the journey...don't worry so much about the destination. From reading your posts, I had the impression that money wasn't a huge issue with you...start with visits. Do a test drive so to speak. Yes, you can move back, but if you take the time now, you may not have to.

(in reply to SusanofO)

Post #: 30

RE: Questions about when to Re-locate for a Dominant... - 2/12/2007 3:56:32 AM

twicehappy

Posts: 2706
Joined: 2/5/2006
Status: offline

A few things i'd like to mention on this subject.

First i would not sell your house, and i would take a few weeks vacation to go visit if that is possible.

Keep your money in your own name, all of it!

If you are sure and cover your ass...ets, then go.

I flew here after a two week courtship online and by phone.

My farm i sold years ago but i kept an apartment over the family garage. My bank accounts are still in my name as well as my retirement. I have offered to add Scooter to them but he has never even looked at them, he does not want to.

When i came here i moved in immediately though, and i am still here. I am also extremely in love and happy.

So again i say cover yourself then take a chance, you never know.

(in reply to SusanofO)

Post #: 31

RE: Questions about when to re-locate... - 2/12/2007 3:58:42 AM

SusanofO

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Joined: 12/19/2005
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Wel, you are right. I am meeting him for the first time in March. We've e-mailed every day, and talked on the phone several times so far. I think he also will want us to have several visits before I move there. I think, though, that we are both taking for granted I'll move there at some point this year, if all goes well. So far, so good. But yes, we do need to get to know eachother better first, no doubt about it.

I am just thinking ahead because I am so excited, I guess. He's a very, very good and nice man. I should be so lucky...I am not used to being treated this well, I have to say. He is just a great guy!

twicehappy: Thanks, I appreciate the feedback.

- Susan

< Message edited by SusanofO -- 2/12/2007 4:06:04 AM >

_____________________________

"Hope is the thing with feathers,
That perches in the soul,
And sings the tune without the words,
And never stops at all". - Emily Dickinson

(in reply to bandit25)

Post #: 32

RE: Questions about when to Re-locate for a Dominant... - 2/12/2007 4:01:24 AM

kyraofMists

Posts: 3292
Joined: 7/29/2005
Status: offline

Susan,

I think a good rule of thumb for many things that people do in relationships is, if the relationship were to end, would you regret doing what you have done?

I have asked myself this often in terms of the things that he does to me in play and about moving there. If the answer is no, then you are ready to consider the practical aspects of doing it.

Knight's kyra

_____________________________

"Passion... it lies in all of us. Sleeping, waiting, and though unbidden, it will stir, open its jaws, and howl. It speaks to us, guides us... passion rules us all. And we obey..." ~Angelus

(in reply to SusanofO)

Post #: 33

RE: Questions about when to Re-locate for a Dominant... - 2/12/2007 4:04:32 AM

SusanofO

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Joined: 12/19/2005
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kyra: Good thing to think about (thanks again kyra. Your common sense is always good to hear).

No, I don't think I'd regret it. I can always move back here. Geez - even one year without snow would be great, I think - everything else aside (hehe. Oh well - at least I don't live in Oswego, NY, where they recently had 11 feet of snow fall! I am so sick of Winter I could just scream. We are supposed to get 4 more inches today).

He really is just a super guy - very reliable and ultra-responsible. And very caring. I could hardly ask for more. I don't know him all that well yet, I admit. But - so far, so good.

- Susan

< Message edited by SusanofO -- 2/12/2007 4:10:09 AM >

_____________________________

"Hope is the thing with feathers,
That perches in the soul,
And sings the tune without the words,
And never stops at all". - Emily Dickinson

(in reply to kyraofMists)

Post #: 34

RE: Questions about when to Re-locate for a Dominant... - 2/12/2007 4:06:27 AM

bandit25

Posts: 3029
Joined: 6/18/2005
Status: offline

Susan, I am sure you will make the right decision. Good luck girl. Let me add if you are sure, then I say go for it...when the time is right that is.

(in reply to SusanofO)

Post #: 35

RE: Questions about when to Re-locate for a Dominant... - 2/12/2007 4:08:40 AM

SusanofO

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Joined: 12/19/2005
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Well, thanks bandit. I appreciate the comments - all of them have been helpful. I am just trying to process this I guess. If anyone had told me five years ago I'd be thinking about any of this, I'd have called them a liar.

- Susan

_____________________________

"Hope is the thing with feathers,
That perches in the soul,
And sings the tune without the words,
And never stops at all". - Emily Dickinson

(in reply to bandit25)

Post #: 36

RE: Questions about when to Re-locate for a Dominant... - 2/12/2007 4:28:29 AM

KatyLied

Posts: 13029
Joined: 2/24/2005
From: Pennsylvania
Status: offline

quote:

he isn't real keen on the idea of me having a job there, but not totally opposed, either).

Red flag waving. Why does he fear you having a job? He may be insecure about you meeting other people. Moving into a new area is a huge adjustment, and having a job will help you meet new people.

_____________________________

“If you want to live a happy life, tie it to a goal, not to people or things.”
- Albert Einstein

(in reply to SusanofO)

Post #: 37

RE: Questions about when to Re-locate for a Dominant... - 2/12/2007 5:25:21 AM

losttreasure

Posts: 875
Joined: 12/17/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: KatyLied

quote:

he isn't real keen on the idea of me having a job there, but not totally opposed, either).

Red flag waving. Why does he fear you having a job? He may be insecure about you meeting other people. Moving into a new area is a huge adjustment, and having a job will help you meet new people.

I don't see it as a red flag, Katy... just because he isn't keen on something doesn't mean that he fears it. I can certainly understand how he might not be enthusiastic about Susan working, but at the same time not be opposed to it. It could be similar to FirmHandKY's thoughts in the "are stay-at-home submissives a problem" thread:

quote:

ORIGINAL: FirmhandKY

My viewpoint hasn't really changed on this subject in years (well, decades, actually), but it has become more textured and nuanced.

Personally, I've always preferred my other to be a "stay at home". However (and here is the nuance), I do not see requiring it. The fact is that some people need the outside contact and context, and aren't truly satisfied otherwise.

While I was married, that was always the arrangement I had - she could work if she desired to do so, but her "real job" was hearth and home. Generally, she didn't work outside the home, but occasionally she would.

My losttreasure currently works in a professional capacity, and as long as she wishes to continue, I'm supportive. If she chose not to in the future - that's fine by me as well.

Either way, I guess as a "man", I have never considered it the woman's place to support me, although if that is the arrangement, and both people are happy with it, it's none of my business.

FHky

I suspect that Susan already knows if this is the case, but if not, it would be easy enough for her to find out.

_____________________________

Just because it isn't "all about me", doesn't make it "all about you".

(in reply to KatyLied)

Post #: 38

RE: Questions about when to Re-locate for a Dominant... - 2/12/2007 5:38:57 AM

sleazybutterfly

Posts: 2801
Joined: 5/15/2006
Status: offline

I have relocated to be with Doms twice. The first time was a disaster, the second time..well, I'm still here.

I think you for sure need to have money put away for yourself, just in case. Probably having an apartment for yourself isn't a bad idea either. That would give you time to spend with him, but not put you in a 24/7 type of situation in the beginning.

The first one I was with kicked me out after two days (not my fault) and I was a wreck emotionally. I wish now I could have just moved to the town, gotten a job and an apartment, then went from there. My Master moved me here and we started living together right away. It was hard at first (not bad), but we had to not only get to know each other better (you find out a lot moving in with someone), but I was also getting used to my place as his slave (what he expected or didn't..this changed a bit when I moved in).

I also grew up in the same area all of my life. All of my family is still there, along with my friends. It was hard to leave them, and I miss my mom a lot. I call everyday, but I haven't gotten to go back since I moved in Nov.. It does make it hard, I feel a bit isolated here, and am having trouble meeting new people.

Its a huge step to take, but if you feel its the right one, I encourage you do it. Just make sure you have things set up so that if it doesn't work out, the only thing that needs fixed is your broken heart..not trying to gather enough money to live, or hunting a job.

Best wishes to you though, glad to see you are happy.

_____________________________

~Flutterby
~Curvylicious
Just when the caterpillar thought the world was over, she became a butterfly.
Life is not a popularity contest, it's better to be hated for what you believe, than loved for a lie.

(in reply to SusanofO)

Post #: 39

RE: Questions about when to Re-locate for a Dominant... - 2/12/2007 5:57:10 AM

KatyLied

Posts: 13029
Joined: 2/24/2005
From: Pennsylvania
Status: offline

I think that an attempt to prevent a person from making outside contacts can be a red flag, it can be indicative of an abusive relationship. It isn't always so, but with someone you don't know (or barely know), it's definitely worth investigating the motivation behind that sort of thinking.

_____________________________

“If you want to live a happy life, tie it to a goal, not to people or things.”
- Albert Einstein

(in reply to losttreasure)

Post #: 40

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