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Aphentez -> RE: Spotting a Fake Dom (2/16/2007 11:03:59 AM)
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quote:
ORIGINAL: novicecourtesan
I could use some advice on an interesting situation.
Before discovering this site, I posted on craigslist. After weeding out the crazies, I came upon a reasonably normal, sane man who was interested in the same things (vanilla and bdsm) and decided to IM, talk on the phone, and meet him, in that order. Our IMs were a bit racy but nothing too bad--after all, I was advertising very specifically. He was much more sexually experienced than I was and had subs before. As usual, I was very specific about what I was looking for.
He was very nice, we had chemistry and we started making plans to see each other in a week. I was clear that I wanted a dom/sub relationship in the bedroom (to start), and we decided to leave the details over dinner when we met. He was respectful, promised to go slow and be attentive, and IM'd me constantly--more than I can handle. Our IM's meanwhile, got really racy, and I sent him an incredibly dirty letter listing all the things I wanted him to do to me when we met and individually. I was really excited; I *almost* felt virginal.
Saturday he checks in and asks me to choose a Middle Eastern restaurant. Sunday, attempting to be a good sub, I spent doing my laundry to have appropriate clothes and lingerie, cleaning my room, choosing a restaurant (vegetarian, for him) and waiting. At noon I IM'd, at 5 I texted and at 7, on the advice of a friend, I called. No response all night. Three strikes you're out, right? Was he testing me?
I would have been depressed but then I started googling my questions and discovered this site. I suddenly realized I had many, many more options--that what I wanted was out there. (Thanks to this board, in part!). Just as I was chatting with the first person I met here, the would-be dom started IM'ing me as if nothing happened. I ignored him all day (options, people, options!) until the pestering finally got to me and I wrote him back.
He had no excuse, and no test. He had gone upstate on saturday and then gotten back on monday. He had no access to email, text or cell. He "asked to make it up to me" but there was no indication that he was sorry, until he realized I was mad and thinking very seriously about not seeing him again. Then he tried to woo me by saying how much he wanted me and thought about my kiss. All sexual. I finally made it clear to him that I had taken that day--and him--really seriously and that didn't trust him and needed to think about seeing him again. He said okay and signed off, but not before sending me some naked pictures of himself. (exhibitionist, not totally my thing)
Later, he IM'd me again and said that he had re-read my dirty letter and loved every part of it. I replied in one or two words until he started asking me if I had masturbated for anyone. I told him that I was in no mood for dirty IMs or my talent for writing erotica and that, in wooing me to be his sub, he might think a little less of my talents and more about my needs. He finally apologized profusely and said he was selfish. I told him that I wasn't trying to berate him, just understand whether that was a mistake or a character trait. I told him to perhaps reread my other (non-dirty) emails and see if that was still something he wanted.
I know this is very strong-willed for a sub, and it is not my intent to be rebellious. But I have a suspicion that I have found a "Fake Dom." These are men who like to play rough in bed, usually learned from porno movies (professional or homemade) and call it domination. They let the imagination guide them and focus on the sex (and their horniness) rather than on the responsibility and privileges of the power exchange. I'm guessing they are masculine and protective and confident and all the things a sub would be attracted to. But, as someone on this site wrote, a sub is not a doormat. I would like to ad that a sub is not perpetually horny or thinking with his/her crotch.
I would like to know:
1. Whether I should meet him again or fish elsewhere for a dom
2. Whether this guy is a dom or not (all opinions welcome)
3. What lessons might I (and other subs) get from the way all this transpired? Any obvious red flags or mistakes on my part? I am a sensitive newbie, so please be kind, but I do want to learn....and not waste time on someone who isn't a true dom.
thanks!
I've never posted on collarme before, but I was doing some research on the current subject when I came across this thread. I agree with many sentiments here, but was moved to add my own perspective.
Others' arguments to the contrary notwithstanding, labeling somebody as a "fake" dom is perfectly valid. Even if nobody else knows what you're talking about, you do, and such labeling will help you sort the wheat from the chafe. By a "dom," I'd assume you at least mean someone who can take charge and control you to some degree, which means he must understand you well enough to do that. In my book, any guy who says he can and will do that but can't deliver is a fake. Call it lacking in integrity or hypocrite, if you like. He may be the nicest guy in the world with the best of intentions, but he simply isn't up to the task when put on the line. Or he may be such a clueless jerk that he can't even control himself enough to keep a date, much less control you, and then leave you to take charge of the relationship.
The guy you met on craigslist waved so many red flags that he's a fake that there's nothing to do but to blow him off. Hell, on a first date he couldn't even decide where to eat if he had shown up--never mind the limbo he left you in. That isn't dominance in any way, shape or form. If he said he wanted a domme, that would be one thing. If he said he's a dom, he's a fake.
Also, be aware that you are going to meet relatively few true dominants within BDSM, either. The mainstream rules of BDSM are meant for role-play that require doms to be submissive to the submissives in real life. That requires all doms to be real-life fakes to that extent. Some may be true dominants, but the rules don't permit them to behave that way. The dynamic also makes mainstream BDSM unattractive to many true dominants. As others have pointed out, "true dom" is a rather alien concept here. Still, some do filter in because they know that there are far more submissives here than dominants and because BDSM may answer a certain level of need in them.
But most of the guys who will come after you here are worse than mere fake doms. Most are such emotional weaklings that they are drawn here because they think their best chance at getting laid is to go somewhere that advertises "submissives." They may be horny as hell, but they are so un-dominant that they figure their best hope is to find a total push-over. And they are so generally clueless as to imagine that "submissive" equals "push-over." Of course, the fact that you are seeking to gratify your submissive yearnings does not at all mean you are a push-over. It means that you yearn to be dominated. You want a strong man who knows what he wants, knows what you are, knows what he's doing and who can and does take charge to fulfill all of that. You want exactly the opposite of those men who imagine you are a push-over. They'll say they're dominants, too, but they're the flakiest of the fake, so they're easiest to spot.
In the end, you will be a push-over for the dominant you seek, of course, but first he needs to demonstrate his ability to push you over, not rely on you to do it for him. Be strong for him, and make yourself a worthy prize.
Overall, my best advice is not to become jaded by all the riffraff that will come after you, and be wary of advice from those who already have become jaded from their own long experiences. Don't let others' antics divert your attention from the few good dominants that will come along. You are a beautiful woman. You will get tons of come-ons. Often they may seem all the same. On one hand it may seem like there is an endless supply for you to choose from. Don't let that abundance blind you to the one you are looking for because he is rare. Many submissives have deleted the exact doms they had hoped would find them without even reading their messages! It's an easy trap to fall into when such an abundance of rubbish obscures that one sparkling gem. Read all your messages, keep an open mind, give the benefit of the doubt, test the hell out of any who you consider, and don't rush.
DON'T PRESUME THAT YOU KNOW EXACTLY WHAT YOU WANT. Yeah, that may seem like a tough one to swallow, but finding what you're looking for in the last place you'd expect is actually quite classic. In the case of a true dominant, he is going to be so full of surprises and awaken so much within you that you could never imagine on your own--and you simply don't know what you don't know. None of that has anything to do with BDSM, per se, but it's among the greatest riches of a dominant/submissive relationship. The problem is, if you follow the path of many others and develop too many preconceived notions of what he is like, he may one day be standing right in front of you, and you won't even recognize him. You might even think he's the enemy if you have bought into too much enemy propaganda. So, remain open-minded, give the benefit of the doubt, test, judge, label, and trust your own judgment over all others...until the dom who you seek has earned the right to make you his "push-over."
That's my thumbnail view on it, anyway.
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