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MadRabbit -> RE: Spotting a Fake Dom (2/19/2007 9:46:30 AM)
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ORIGINAL: Aphentez
Others' arguments to the contrary notwithstanding, labeling somebody as a "fake" dom is perfectly valid. Even if nobody else knows what you're talking about, you do, and such labeling will help you sort the wheat from the chafe. By a "dom," I'd assume you at least mean someone who can take charge and control you to some degree, which means he must understand you well enough to do that.
Okay...fair enough...I am hereby labeling you as a "fake Dom" from this point on because of all the cliches and buzz words you just used in your post. I will, from now on, slander you to everyone as a "fake Dom" because you dont fit MY definition of what a dominant is. My definition of being a dominant has absolutely zero to do with being this macho tough guy sterotype that just shows up and takes charge and barks a bunch of orders.
Next, you will tell me its ok to label black people as "fake African Americans" because they dont eat fried chicken and watermelon.
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The guy you met on craigslist waved so many red flags that he's a fake that there's nothing to do but to blow him off. Hell, on a first date he couldn't even decide where to eat if he had shown up--never mind the limbo he left you in. That isn't dominance in any way, shape or form. If he said he wanted a domme, that would be one thing. If he said he's a dom, he's a fake.
Ok so what is dominance then?
Dominance means many different things to many different people. I made the mistake of thinking my definition of dominance was the same everyone used. Some people want to own a slave completely. Some want a submissive type partner. Some are only interested in dominanting someone sexually. Some view their dominance as a deeply spiritual path of self mastery.
The same goes for the other side. Some want to be owned completely. Some want negotaited relationships. Some just want to give up control sexually. Some view it as a deeply spiritual life long path of self awareness and growth.
All that is established right now is two things. One, that he flaked on her and threw up a few red flags that made it appear that he was more interested in sexual play then in an actual relationship. Two, the guy doesnt fit into your definition of what dominance is.
Occassionally, I am late for work. Does this mean I am not in control of my life? Doies this mean I am less than dominant or a fake Dom? No, it means I am an imperfect human being.
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Also, be aware that you are going to meet relatively few true dominants within BDSM, either. The mainstream rules of BDSM are meant for role-play that require doms to be submissive to the submissives in real life. That requires all doms to be real-life fakes to that extent. Some may be true dominants, but the rules don't permit them to behave that way. The dynamic also makes mainstream BDSM unattractive to many true dominants. As others have pointed out, "true dom" is a rather alien concept here. Still, some do filter in because they know that there are far more submissives here than dominants and because BDSM may answer a certain level of need in them.
Wow! Could you explain to me what a true dominant is or where they all are? I havent met any yet and want to.
The concept of the "true Dominant" is pretty alien whereever you go. Your taking YOUR definition of what true dominance is and applying it as a universal standard...which its not I have made this mistake as well which trying to apply my views and philosophies as the offical bar and that just made me look like an ignorant ass.
If there is so few of these true Dominants out there that all these subs are looking for, then how do you explain all the people in happy and long term relationships? I dont count these relationships as a few nor do I count the submissives who are content and happy with their dominant as few either.
There is plenty of fake Doms to one person that will be true Doms to someone else. The same goes for submissives. The difference is they just arent falling into your views of what a dominant is so you write them off.
And as far as the whole "mainstream BDSM rules" thing, I think you should do some more reasearch.
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But most of the guys who will come after you here are worse than mere fake doms. Most are such emotional weaklings that they are drawn here because they think their best chance at getting laid is to go somewhere that advertises "submissives." They may be horny as hell, but they are so un-dominant that they figure their best hope is to find a total push-over. And they are so generally clueless as to imagine that "submissive" equals "push-over." Of course, the fact that you are seeking to gratify your submissive yearnings does not at all mean you are a push-over. It means that you yearn to be dominated. You want a strong man who knows what he wants, knows what you are, knows what he's doing and who can and does take charge to fulfill all of that. You want exactly the opposite of those men who imagine you are a push-over. They'll say they're dominants, too, but they're the flakiest of the fake, so they're easiest to spot.
I'm literally choking on all these stereotypes and generalizations right now. I guess you are reading the same BDSM research material I did when I first got started in this where they take a bunch of opinions and stereotypes and pass it off as enlightened wisdom.
Among all these stereotypes, there is a lot of decent guys who just simply havent figured it all out yet. A lot of people who get written off as these "fake Doms" simply because they are still learning and understanding.
Not all of us were born super heros. It takes time, life experience, and a HELL of a lot of mistakes before a person becomes this super dominant figure that knows what to do in every single possible situation. I know good dominants twice my age who still occassionally make a huge fuck up. Hell, even sometimes they come to me for advice and perspective. However, their submissives dont go running into the woods, screaming fake Dom. They understand that their dominant figure is an imperfect person.
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In the end, you will be a push-over for the dominant you seek, of course, but first he needs to demonstrate his ability to push you over, not rely on you to do it for him. Be strong for him, and make yourself a worthy prize.
Okay...once again this is your perceptions of dominance. I dont push anyone over.
Some people are looking to be dominanted, other people are looking for someone to serve. They people who have wanted to serve me and to do things for me were simply inspired to serve out of respect for me. Whatever it was, they saw something worthy in me that made me the person they wanted to devote their time talking to and pleasing. I just try to be myself and the good person that I am and let them be themselves. What they saw in me, however, that inspired them to respect me isnt going to be seen by everyone though. I dont get very controlling up until the point where they clear say "I want to be in service to you.". Why? Because its their choice and trying to push over people is rude.
What about the people who prefer to get to know their potential partners on a very vanilla level for a period of time before taking them into cosideration? Not everyone just walks up and sweeps the people off their feet or drags them to the cave by their hair.
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The problem is, if you follow the path of many others and develop too many preconceived notions of what he is like, he may one day be standing right in front of you, and you won't even recognize him. You might even think he's the enemy if you have bought into too much enemy propaganda. So, remain open-minded, give the benefit of the doubt, test, judge, label, and trust your own judgment over all others...until the dom who you seek has earned the right to make you his "push-over."
I agree! To get an idea of what the enemy proganda and preconcieved notions look like, read all of the above.
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