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RE: Incompetent vs. Strict Masters... - 2/16/2007 6:33:18 AM

Celeste43

Posts: 3066
Joined: 2/4/2006
From: NYS
Status: offline

You could ask straight out for some rules as you feel that without them you don't know what he wants. And ask for them to be written down, or when he tells you, you make sure to write them down.

You'll be surprised how many of them are minor things, here it's tea in the oversized mug with two sugars exactly and refill one time with just hot water so he can control his caffeine intake. Nothing fun about that, but I think it was the first thing I learned - his favorite tea and how he likes it.

(in reply to BOUNTYHUNTER)

Post #: 21

RE: Incompetent vs. Strict Masters... - 2/16/2007 6:33:40 AM

BRNaughtyAngel

Posts: 1821
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: SimplyMichael

Don't you just hate it when Doms don't do it the exact way you want?

Yes, what's up with that?

(in reply to SimplyMichael)

Post #: 22

RE: Incompetent vs. Strict Masters... - 2/16/2007 1:07:43 PM

mylittlesub

Posts: 30
Joined: 6/3/2005
Status: offline

Many years ago I had similar feelings to the original poster.. until I began to realize that it stemmed from my need to feel I was the center of his attention more than I felt I was getting. Rather than letting it build up to something that causes you to become rebellious or argumentative with him - definitely talk with him about your frustrations. But I would caution that you must also be aware, he is as human as you are, and may not know you well enough to understand the real meaning behind your feelings any more than you do.

When you can step outside the relationship and see things not as 'right' or 'wrong', but just how they are, you can then begin to work on understanding the dynamic of why you feel and behave the way you do - and why he does. It may be simply that he has no interest in micromanaging you since you already do so nicely without it. After all, if its all work for him, why would he be there?

Communication is always the key to keeping your relationship going forward. If you feel you really DO need more control and micromanaging - spend some time to try and understand WHY, and then perhaps you can discuss with him ways in which you can serve him that would satisfy (and yet not tax) you both. When you are both sated and happy in the relationship, obviously that will go a long way toward keeping you together and growing.

In my situation, simply talking about my feelings made my Master more aware of my needs and insecurities - and in turn made him make efforts in his own way to assure me that I did indeed have his entire focus and was worthy of his attention. Since then he has never failed to keep an eye on my feelings of insecurity - and I can serve him without question, knowing he has my needs uppermost in his mind.

Best of luck to you both.

(in reply to BRNaughtyAngel)

Post #: 23

RE: Incompetent vs. Strict Masters... - 2/17/2007 7:15:03 AM

krikket

Posts: 1183
Joined: 11/17/2004
From: Washington, DC Metro Area
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: DefiantFlower

my first post! Perhaps i will make enough to lose the ever inaccurate Vanilla label...

Congrats and welcome to the boards.

quote:

When he becomes lax in his words and actions, i feel like i'm leading the relationship and he's along for the ride. But then he turns around and takes the reins again.

Are you sure he ever turned loose of the reins? Maybe he's trying to see what you're capable of doing on your own; perhaps he doesn't like to micromanage; or maybe he just needs a break.

quote:

So i'm left feeling like he's not really interested, or isn't taking the relationship seriously.

Is it possible you're inserting your own opinions and insecurities here, rather than his thoughts and feelings?

quote:

There's no doubt that he takes my submission seriously...i know that for sure.

Have you not just told him this, but actually shown him how serious your submission is to you and at the same time how serious his dominance is to you as well. Personally i think it's possible to be a serious sub or Dom and still laugh and have fun, and not be "on guard" all the time. What i need in a relationship is the knowledge that no matter what outward appearances might be, inside it's all the dynamics we both need are still here, with us, governing all that we do and say in our daily lives.

quote:

But when he fails time and again to direct a conversation, to take responsibility and control of a situation...it leaves me feeling like he's incompetent. i hate feeling this, he should not have to prove his dominance. And yet, i keep waiting for him to do so....what to do???

Again, in my opinion, what you're expressing are thoughts rather than feelings, and also, perhaps you're not totally clear in your own mind what exactly you're waiting for him to do. Sometimes we have a running script taking place in our mind and heart and when the other person doesn't act or react accordingly, it's difficult to understand. My next question is simple really....have you shown him your internal script?

Only the two of you can answer this last thought: Is it possible that y'all just aren't compatible in a D/s relationship, or if you are, then ya'll just need to talk it over more (and more and more and more) each figuring out what the other wants and to find out if the other is comfortable with that desire. Any relationship, nilla, kink, gay, whatever, is a work in progress, but also please remember to have some fun.

Good luck.
jimini

_____________________________

"And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to bloom."

by A. Nin

When your heart speaks take good notes.

(in reply to DefiantFlower)

Post #: 24

RE: Incompetent vs. Strict Masters... - 2/17/2007 7:56:05 AM

gypsygrl

Posts: 1471
Joined: 10/8/2005
From: new york state
Status: offline

In general, some of the most effective dominants I've run accross have been incompetant dolts when it came to specific skills and one of the marks of dominance is that they can motivate or inspire submission without having to do anything. That kind of power rests on a tautology and doesn't have to prove itself.

Basically, the less a dominant does in the way of domination the more effective s/he will be. The best are those who can command without ever issuing an order.

Of course, they may not make the best partner. It all depends on what you're looking for. Personally, I prefer more active domination, and like you, enjoy the feel of it. But, that's not really an issue of competance.

_____________________________

“To be happy is to be able to become aware of oneself without fright.” ~Walter Benjamin

(in reply to DefiantFlower)

Post #: 25

RE: Incompetent vs. Strict Masters... - 2/17/2007 9:14:49 AM

MzMia

Posts: 5333
Joined: 7/30/2004
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: LuckyAlbatross

It's a very hard road for slaves to come to these boards and ask for help. It's why we have so many who create fake names to post about their problem anonymously. It's sad really.

I agree- there's a difference between saying "We've got trouble" and "He sucks!" and it's not that hard to keep the difference clear.

Unfortunately there's so much pressure and paranoia to present a picture of perfection, that any sort of flaw is seen as utterly taboo.

I agree LA, I noticed that many questions are asked by first time posters. <wink>

< Message edited by MzMia -- 2/17/2007 9:15:11 AM >

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"My partner's whisper"--bloomswell

(in reply to LuckyAlbatross)

Post #: 26

RE: Incompetent vs. Strict Masters... - 2/17/2007 9:21:30 AM

juliaoceania

Posts: 21383
Joined: 4/19/2006
From: Somewhere Over the Rainbow
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: gypsygrl

In general, some of the most effective dominants I've run accross have been incompetant dolts when it came to specific skills and one of the marks of dominance is that they can motivate or inspire submission without having to do anything. That kind of power rests on a tautology and doesn't have to prove itself.

Basically, the less a dominant does in the way of domination the more effective s/he will be. The best are those who can command without ever issuing an order.

Of course, they may not make the best partner. It all depends on what you're looking for. Personally, I prefer more active domination, and like you, enjoy the feel of it. But, that's not really an issue of competance.

I would agree with this, it takes natural dominance to have someone doing as you want without them knowing you even trained them to do so....

But like you said, not everyone will flourish under such dominance.

_____________________________

Once you label me, you negate me ~ Soren Kierkegaard

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(in reply to gypsygrl)

Post #: 27

RE: Incompetent vs. Strict Masters... - 2/17/2007 11:51:59 AM

touchthesky

Posts: 121
Joined: 1/27/2007
Status: offline

alot of people try to act in ways that is not authentic. I think its just how the modern world males people, looking for something, not knowing what it is

(in reply to BOUNTYHUNTER)

Post #: 28

RE: Incompetent vs. Strict Masters... - 2/17/2007 12:17:30 PM

SirDominic

Posts: 711
Joined: 11/22/2006
Status: offline

Although I agree with everyone that communication is the key, I find myself branching off from a lot of the rest of the advice.

First of all, you state your Master has become less strict. This implies that he was strict at one time, but is not anymore. Or, is at least, much less now.

Second, you have already said that you have expressed your dissatisfaction multiple times to him that you are not getting the strictness from him you need.

To suggest, as some have, that it isn't your place to decide how much attention you get from your Dom, I respectfully disagree in this case. I don't feel you are trying to determine for him how much you need. Rather he is failing to live up to his responsibilities, leaving you in control as often as not. Two completely different things.

None of this makes him incompetent, per se, but it could very well make him not the right match for you. You require a Dominant who is in charge, in control, strict with his desires and consistent in his actions. Your Dom is not doing that. If he is unwilling or unable to do this, the two of you are not going to have a satisfactory relationship.

Hope this gives you some insight.

Namaste, Sir Dominic

_____________________________

You teach best what you have lived.

(in reply to DefiantFlower)

Post #: 29

RE: Incompetent vs. Strict Masters... - 2/17/2007 7:09:34 PM

czarlipet

Posts: 30
Joined: 2/17/2007
Status: offline

Many dominants will start out strict and then become less strict as they feel that their submissive or slave is learning the behaviors they want to see. Negotiating specific times and places, scenes or situations where you wish to continue that strict attention might be a good idea.

(in reply to BOUNTYHUNTER)

Post #: 30

RE: Incompetent vs. Strict Masters... - 2/18/2007 12:18:01 PM

PlayDate

Posts: 3
Joined: 1/9/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: SimplyMichael

Don't you just hate it when Doms don't do it the exact way you want?

~LOL~

Indeed.

To the OP, there is ~much~ wisdom in this post.

(in reply to SimplyMichael)

Post #: 31

RE: Incompetent vs. Strict Masters... - 2/18/2007 12:21:04 PM

mnottertail

Posts: 60698
Joined: 11/3/2004
Status: offline

I am fairly incompetent, so if any of you girls need me to dom you, I can be strict too...

So the worlds your oyster----whatcha gonna do?

Ron

_____________________________

Have they not divided the prey; to every man a damsel or two? Judges 5:30

(in reply to PlayDate)

Post #: 32

RE: Incompetent vs. Strict Masters... - 2/18/2007 12:23:10 PM

FukinTroll

Posts: 6277
Joined: 2/6/2007
From: Under a bridge
Status: offline

Wow Ron your like the whole half shell.

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TrollTopia
Greedy Groupie!

The Mods have me on speed Spank!! Gotta luv'em.

(in reply to mnottertail)

Post #: 33

RE: Incompetent vs. Strict Masters... - 2/18/2007 12:50:16 PM

mnottertail

Posts: 60698
Joined: 11/3/2004
Status: offline

Of course I am

MasterRockefeller

Raw and slimy, but I go down good

_____________________________

Have they not divided the prey; to every man a damsel or two? Judges 5:30

(in reply to FukinTroll)

Post #: 34

RE: Incompetent vs. Strict Masters... - 2/18/2007 12:53:20 PM

ownedgirlie

Posts: 9184
Joined: 2/5/2006
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: mnottertail

Raw and slimy, but I go down good

And do we get the pearl?!

(LMAO @ Rockefeller - I just got that, lol)

(in reply to mnottertail)

Post #: 35

RE: Incompetent vs. Strict Masters... - 2/18/2007 1:24:22 PM

mnottertail

Posts: 60698
Joined: 11/3/2004
Status: offline

Ohh, the way you feel when you find out theres a pearl in it,
ohh, the way you squeal when you get it---

Some guys have all the luck----

Robert Palmer

< Message edited by mnottertail -- 2/18/2007 1:42:00 PM >

_____________________________

Have they not divided the prey; to every man a damsel or two? Judges 5:30

(in reply to ownedgirlie)

Post #: 36

RE: Incompetent vs. Strict Masters... - 2/18/2007 1:43:56 PM

ownedgirlie

Posts: 9184
Joined: 2/5/2006
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: mnottertail
Some guys have all the luck----

Robert Palmer

Wasn't that Rod Stewart?

(in reply to mnottertail)

Post #: 37

RE: Incompetent vs. Strict Masters... - 2/18/2007 4:37:51 PM

DefiantFlower

Posts: 204
Joined: 2/15/2007
Status: offline

lol interesting turn my post took...

Thank you all for your guidance and fantastic words of wisdom (for the most part). A few really hit home, and though i still do not know how to bring up the subject with him, i feel i have greater insight into the world of bdsm and perhaps a little better understanding of submission and where it stems from for me personally...

<3

(in reply to ownedgirlie)

Post #: 38

RE: Incompetent vs. Strict Masters... - 2/18/2007 5:38:04 PM

StellaByStarlite

Posts: 790
Joined: 2/10/2007
Status: offline

Hi, DefiantFlower. =)

You know.. I don't feel quite so alone now, lol. The issues and concerns in your OP were pretty much mine, too. My owner and I are very new to this, and we are also bereaved, with me losing my little brother suddenly last November. Needless to say, the first two months of my slavery weren't the best. And I had the same thoughts you did...very confused about whether or not he was "in to it", etc. So yeah, I can empathize. =)

There really isn't too much I can say that hasn't been said already. As it turns out.. my dear owner IS just a laid-back guy who just does not want to be bothered with little details or micromanagement. Plus, I do know he was ( and still is) taking things slowly because we're both grieving. Which is a credit to his wisdom. =)

Anyway. So... my owner isn't into high-protocol or constant orders. Okay. We talked about it, and eventually he came up with a solution that would end up satisfying us both. I'm now much more "service-oriented" then I was before, with a more proactive approach to slavery. Rather then a "kneel at my feet and await my command" type of deal. He gives more general orders, rather then specific ones, and I'm allowed the freedom to carry them out and just get things done. I'm his groom, personal assistant, maid service, sextoy, anything I can do for him. It's great, because now my "slavey" cravings are more satisfied, and he's happier because 1) he's one pampered mofo, and 2) less conflict in the household.

Not sure if that would be right for you or not. but I hope it helps. =) Good luck!

Stella

(in reply to DefiantFlower)

Post #: 39

RE: Incompetent vs. Strict Masters... - 2/18/2007 7:49:05 PM

Sinergy

Posts: 9383
Joined: 4/26/2004
Status: offline

Hello A/all,

I see myself as a catalyst for a reaction. I dont want to tell her to clean the sink. I dont want to tell her that now would be a lovely time for a blow job. I dont want to tell her to get a job. Take over Walmart. Defeat Al Qaeda. What I want to see is her knowing that what attracts me to the D/s relationship is the knowledge that because of what I do, she is becoming what she needs to be.

Which is not to say that I do not ever give direction. What it means is that when and where and what type of direction I give is of my own choosing.

Sinergy

_____________________________

"There is a fine line between clever and stupid"
David St. Hubbins "This Is Spinal Tap"

"Every so often you let a word or phrase out and you want to catch it and bring it back. You cant do that, it is gone, gone forever." J. Danforth Quayle

(in reply to BOUNTYHUNTER)

Post #: 40

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