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Since everyone is talking about monogamy.... - 2/15/2007 7:09:53 PM

GeekyGirl

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...I felt a need to share my newest experience (and rant a bit)

I've been talking to a guy online for about two weeks now. We seemed REALLY compatible and were really getting along. He lives locally and tonight we made plans to meet this weekend to go out.

Now the very first time we talked, he asked if I was monogamous and I said YES and explained that I had tried poly before and it didn't work for me, because of my many self esteem issues. He leaves the subject at that and we contine talking for two weeks. Now, tonight, after we've made our date, the subject gets brought up again and he tells me he actually prefers a poly relationship.

WTF? Why didn't he tell me that two weeks ago? I was honest and upfront with him. If he didn't want to be involved with a monogamous girl, he should have said so THEN. He apologizes profusely and so forth but I just don't understand WHY.

Did he think that if he talked to me for two weeks, I'd suddenly change my mind about being poly???

Am I being unreasonable to feel he shoul d have volunteered this info upfront? And then he has the nerve to ask me why I'm not poly. Dude, I already told you...I have self esteem issues and it doesn't work for me. I told him that I didn't judge him for being poly (different strokes for different folks) but that he should have told me upfront.

*ugh* people hurt my head.

Post #: 1

RE: Since everyone is talking about monogamy.... - 2/15/2007 7:12:49 PM

FukinTroll

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You should Domme his poly ass into monogamy.

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RE: Since everyone is talking about monogamy.... - 2/15/2007 7:22:57 PM

MasterFireMaam

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No, it's not unreasonable for you to want or expect someone to be upfront. However, we all know that often we go into relationships with the hope that the other person will become what we want them to be. It's a mistake we make all the time.

Master Fire

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RE: Since everyone is talking about monogamy.... - 2/15/2007 7:25:25 PM

junecleaver

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People hurt my head as well. I don't think that's unreasonable.

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Post #: 4

RE: Since everyone is talking about monogamy.... - 2/15/2007 7:26:45 PM

touchthesky

Posts: 121
Joined: 1/27/2007
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why do people have t make up their minds about monagamy before they get to know someone? there are those i would be monagamous with and those i wouldn't. If someone asked me if i would be monagamous i would just say " depends on if you can keep me satisfied".but to the OP. most men are sneaky. Let them earn your trust don't just give it

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Post #: 5

RE: Since everyone is talking about monogamy.... - 2/15/2007 7:32:14 PM

LadyIce

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I think you should be glad you found out now rather than later.
At least he was up front about telling you before you became seriously involved.

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Post #: 6

RE: Since everyone is talking about monogamy.... - 2/15/2007 7:46:16 PM

adaddysgirl

Posts: 1093
Joined: 3/2/2004
From: Syracuse, NY
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Yep, that's happened to me before too

Doesn't sound like you are unreasonable to me.

DG

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Post #: 7

RE: Since everyone is talking about monogamy.... - 2/15/2007 7:49:32 PM

PlayfulOne

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How about this. He asked, yoiu said you were monogamous. You were getting along, he actually was interested in you and gave the idea some thought but in the end decided he wasn't up to a monogamous relationship and told you.

No evil subplots, he was upfront with you. I've been on that end, especialy when I was younger and tried to be monogamous.

K

< Message edited by PlayfulOne -- 2/15/2007 7:57:59 PM >

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Post #: 8

RE: Since everyone is talking about monogamy.... - 2/15/2007 7:54:52 PM

juliaoceania

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Let this be a lesson, ask very soon about the BIG things like cigarette smoking, alcoholism, prison records, children, how many divorces, you know... the BIG things, one of which is "Are you poly?" He should have volunteered that info, but I guess he thought you not asking was a loophole.. close loopholes...smiles

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RE: Since everyone is talking about monogamy.... - 2/15/2007 8:40:27 PM

LuckyAlbatross

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quote:

ORIGINAL: GeekyGirl
Did he think that if he talked to me for two weeks, I'd suddenly change my mind about being poly???

Yes.

Most do, once they are emotionally involved. Most can be at least shamed into thinking they should be OPEN to the idea if they want to be "true subs."

Since you had this particular discussion, yes he should have given you his full answer at that time.

It's ok, glad you found out now.

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RE: Since everyone is talking about monogamy.... - 2/15/2007 11:44:46 PM

azzmaster

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YOUR JUST YOUNG HUN. AND YOU ARE A BEAUTY SO DON'T FEEL INSECURE. YOU DONT NEED TO.

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RE: Since everyone is talking about monogamy.... - 2/15/2007 11:45:40 PM

FukinTroll

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azzmaster, where you just let out of cryofreez?

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Post #: 12

RE: Since everyone is talking about monogamy.... - 2/15/2007 11:47:02 PM

azzmaster

Posts: 864
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HUH?

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Post #: 13

RE: Since everyone is talking about monogamy.... - 2/15/2007 11:49:23 PM

FukinTroll

Posts: 6277
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I have it on good authority that when people come out of cryo they cannot control the volume of their voice... and have no internal dialogue.

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Post #: 14

RE: Since everyone is talking about monogamy.... - 2/16/2007 1:08:45 AM

BeautifulRacket

Posts: 70
Joined: 9/28/2006
From: Seattle Area
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: GeekyGirl
Now the very first time we talked, he asked if I was monogamous and I said YES and explained that I had tried poly before and it didn't work for me, because of my many self esteem issues. He leaves the subject at that and we contine talking for two weeks. Now, tonight, after we've made our date, the subject gets brought up again and he tells me he actually prefers a poly relationship.

WTF? Why didn't he tell me that two weeks ago? I was honest and upfront with him. If he didn't want to be involved with a monogamous girl, he should have said so THEN. He apologizes profusely and so forth but I just don't understand WHY.

Did he think that if he talked to me for two weeks, I'd suddenly change my mind about being poly???

Am I being unreasonable to feel he shoul d have volunteered this info upfront? And then he has the nerve to ask me why I'm not poly. Dude, I already told you...I have self esteem issues and it doesn't work for me. I told him that I didn't judge him for being poly (different strokes for different folks) but that he should have told me upfront.

*ugh* people hurt my head.

I agree he should have told you upfront, though I think Playfulone has a good point about not demonizing him since it's not clear why he didn't do so (at least it's not to us). For all we know, he could have thought, 'She had a bad experience in the past, like nearly everyone does, and the self-esteem issues can be worked on,' and then realized that was a poor assessment after learning more about your history and self-view. Or, perhaps he got scared, used it as an excuse/out, didn't really hear you the first time, etc.

Anyway, at least you found out now, as others have said, and perhaps you can guard against stuff like this by flipping the important questions back to the potential partner or asking them first. I'd also advise you to never say "never" and work hard on your self-esteem (easier said than done, I know firsthand), perhaps even before focusing on finding a partner. It's diffiult to find a good match and build a successful relationship when we have poor ones with ourselves, IME.

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Post #: 15

RE: Since everyone is talking about monogamy.... - 2/16/2007 2:07:30 AM

dirtyfemm

Posts: 13
Status: offline

He is hoping to convince you. He may consider it opening your world and offering his viewpoint, as you may be surprised.

Who knows? But, if you are strongly against poly - just say no and kindly move on.
He won't flex, but he is hoping you will and maybe that is not such a bad thing after all.

Two weeks isn't 2 years. I'd consider him honest.

Take care

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Post #: 16

RE: Since everyone is talking about monogamy.... - 2/16/2007 2:14:34 AM

FukinTroll

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From: Under a bridge
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Geeky is it possessiveness or insecurity? You seem pretty confident here and your pics come across dynamic. I am not suggesting that you become poly, but you should really meditate on the issue and discover what is really getting you.

IMO YMMV

Slurp!

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Post #: 17

RE: Since everyone is talking about monogamy.... - 2/16/2007 2:38:17 AM

meatcleaver

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Most men if they are honest would choose poly over mono. Well at least for themselves and not necessarily for their partners. We are hypocrites, nature made us that way, it's all about procreation and never being sure if a child is theirs. Whatever a man's intellectual stand point he can't get rid of his genes and he has no desire to cut off what is in his jeans either.

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RE: Since everyone is talking about monogamy.... - 2/16/2007 3:03:20 AM

eyesopened

Posts: 2798
Joined: 6/12/2006
From: Tampa, FL
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quote:

ORIGINAL: meatcleaver

Most men if they are honest would choose poly over mono. Well at least for themselves and not necessarily for their partners. We are hypocrites, nature made us that way, it's all about procreation and never being sure if a child is theirs. Whatever a man's intellectual stand point he can't get rid of his genes and he has no desire to cut off what is in his jeans either.

i agree, most men identify with a bull in a herd of cows for which they have no other interest or association other than breeding. (it is false that the bull does any protecting of the cows at all other than to protect his right to breed with them) Find the rare man who identifies with the Wolf. The alpha wolf, while living in a community, breeds only with the alpha female. Monogoamy is also found in nature.

He asked you if *you* were monogomous because that's the way it is. The female is supposed to be monogomous but the male not. Again, it's the bull and herd attitude but i maintain that if one looks at the more intelligent animals, family, community and monogomy become more previlent.

You found out before you invested a lot of time and emotion. Be thankful for that.

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RE: Since everyone is talking about monogamy.... - 2/16/2007 4:31:38 AM

windchymes

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Joined: 4/18/2005
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quote:

ORIGINAL: GeekyGirl

WTF? Why didn't he tell me that two weeks ago? I was honest and upfront with him. If he didn't want to be involved with a monogamous girl, he should have said so THEN. He apologizes profusely and so forth but I just don't understand WHY.

Did he think that if he talked to me for two weeks, I'd suddenly change my mind about being poly???

You mean that after two weeks, you didn't find him so wonderful and so domly so that you fell to the ground and agreed to whatever he wanted you to agree to? Damn.

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