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RE: Too prideful to say your safeword? - 2/20/2007 11:11:49 AM

BeachMystress

Posts: 2156
Joined: 4/3/2004
From: Naples Island- Long Beach CA - Southern California
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Having to use a safeword would break my husband's heart. It would mean he wasn't able to take as much as I needed to give at that point. We've discussed it many times and it isn't pride that keeps him from saying a safeword casually, but the desire to not disappoint me. I don't think I'd keep a sub who didn't safeword out of pride. That means that the play is more about them and what THEY can take. I want them putting their all into pleasing me, not proving a point.

_____________________________

Beach Mystress
*Do not threaten the weak. Intimidate the strong. ~ Stevenson*
http://beachmystress.jigsy.com
http://www.flickr.com/photos/beachmystress/

(in reply to SirDiscipliner69)

Post #: 41

RE: Too prideful to say your safeword? - 2/20/2007 11:13:07 AM

BeachMystress

Posts: 2156
Joined: 4/3/2004
From: Naples Island- Long Beach CA - Southern California
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And yes, I realize the result is the same. To me, mindset counts!

_____________________________

Beach Mystress
*Do not threaten the weak. Intimidate the strong. ~ Stevenson*
http://beachmystress.jigsy.com
http://www.flickr.com/photos/beachmystress/

(in reply to BeachMystress)

Post #: 42

RE: Too prideful to say your safeword? - 2/20/2007 12:33:29 PM

Celeste43

Posts: 3066
Joined: 2/4/2006
From: NYS
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Not pride. If I can talk I tell him I need to stop. If an emotional trigger has been hit I go nonverbal and he can tell from my cringing and body rigidity that I am in trouble. I play with only one partner and he's taken the time to know me very well.

Additionally we're not into s & m so he doesn't get off on getting me to a breaking point.

(in reply to WingedSnake)

Post #: 43

RE: Too prideful to say your safeword? - 2/20/2007 12:46:11 PM

mnottertail

Posts: 60698
Joined: 11/3/2004
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in the alternative thread the Man rapes wife in 2 hour-----
is garishly beckoning me to find a tie to this thread....

Do you suppose she didn't safeword her way out of that mess because of pride, and then like Galileo later recanted under pressure?

Tycho Brahe

_____________________________

Have they not divided the prey; to every man a damsel or two? Judges 5:30

(in reply to Celeste43)

Post #: 44

RE: Too prideful to say your safeword? - 2/20/2007 1:14:30 PM

meticulousgirl

Posts: 969
Joined: 2/20/2007
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I learned many years ago that using a safeword with my Owner just isn't in me. I feel as though I would let Him down. I may want to use it, I may be saying it in my head but never have I been able to get it out my lips to Him and I dont think I ever could.

This is something in me that just wont go away. It's probably the same part of me that just wants Him to push me further than He's ever pushed before.

(in reply to WingedSnake)

Post #: 45

RE: Too prideful to say your safeword? - 2/20/2007 1:21:21 PM

ELUSIVE1

Posts: 536
Joined: 9/11/2005
Status: offline

I wouldn't say too "prideful", but I don't use a safeword for a few reasons...
first: I want my limits pushed...I go into subspace and feel something more extreme than I am used to and tell myself "I can do this"...if I don't enjoy it, I know not to do it next time, other times, it just raises that bar up to a new setting...
Second: I need to know that the Dominant is watching and reading my body language, that he can see when it is getting to be too much... I have been with very experienced Masters that take care of me

_____________________________

"Words have no power to impress the mind without the exquisite horror of their reality"

*Poe
http://alt.com/blog/ELUSIVE1NC
http://users.adultspace.com/ELUSIVE1NC/

(in reply to WingedSnake)

Post #: 46

RE: Too prideful to say your safeword? - 2/20/2007 1:31:34 PM

texancutie

Posts: 322
Joined: 7/23/2005
Status: offline

I agree with sugarcandy. The one time I really needed to use my safeword, I didn't. But it was because I had this deep seated desire to please and submit. But being a newbie I didn't understand anything, and I didn't know my limits yet. Also at that moment it didn't seem as painful as it obviously was...lol. I can laugh about it now though. Nothing is a waste of time as long as you learn from it.

With the Dominant I am with now, I would have no problem telling him if I am in real distress. I don't have to say jungle love monkey to get him to stop....simply telling him is enough.

(in reply to sugarcandy)

Post #: 47

RE: Too prideful to say your safeword? - 2/20/2007 2:28:07 PM

Squeakers

Posts: 489
Joined: 10/3/2006
Status: offline

I don't have a safeword, but if I need to stop a scene, leg cramp or I am numb from bondage, I have never had a problem just saying so. As a matter of fact, if I were to continue the scene when my body was telling me I needed to stop and I didn't listen to my body, He'd be angry with me for not speaking up.

(in reply to SirDiscipliner69)

Post #: 48

RE: Too prideful to say your safeword? - 2/20/2007 2:37:25 PM

barekatt

Posts: 3
Joined: 5/28/2004
Status: offline

hi all,

i have never safe worded, i do have a safe word. but like many others have said, i cant imagine using it in the hopes of ending his fun because i cant take it any more. im there for him. if he were abusive i woudl not have chose him. that being said i do have a safeword. when i am in sub mode i find conversation very difficult. so i can image safewording for a break so that i coudl collect my thoughts enough to tell him im going to fall or my hand has lost all feeling or i have a charlie horse . but only as Info for him.

katt

(in reply to WingedSnake)

Post #: 49

RE: Too prideful to say your safeword? - 2/20/2007 4:06:39 PM

chrissyslave

Posts: 95
Joined: 1/13/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: LuckyAlbatross

Eh i don't care much about "quantities" of submission- but if you are going to live under another's authority, it requires you to be the judge only when trained to do so, and not take it upon yourself whenever your own insecure sense of self tries to assert itself.

LA, I think I am hearing a general principle from you for a sub, and pehaps it also applies in the opposite case in other area of performance where we might operate more based on our own standards verus just (pain) tolerance from us.

How difficult for those here to let go of auto-evaluation, of self and results of tasks or assignments, based on our own standards to which to aspire to and to feel satisfied or not with results? Quite likely a sub-par performance will be duely noted and correction recieved, but can we not over-achieve our results as well? Before we say yea!... they did a better job than expected!...I recall being criticized for being a perfectionist at times growing up, at least in some areas and that was not meant to be a positive comment. And in fact such over-efforts might require more time or resources than is desired to complete a task. The main point being made seems to me is that being in the proper sub/slave mindset means settting aside ALL our own standards, upper and lower, and seek what the Dom/Master wants, although he/she may want to see what our pre-set standards are to begin with or early on in the relationship. Care to comment?

BTW, doing too good of job has not so far been a problem for me with assignments with my mentor going on a month now, but ahemm.. more the reverse result so far (getting another 10 tongue lashings now...ouch!) so I'm in the process of moving my lower floor upwards. Not tested for pain yet so that is yet to be determined but hope I can do so without a safe word given the experience level of the Mentor/Sir, if we get to that point, since looking deeply inwards for me is far more difficult than looking outwards at the world. And so far I have found that when I thought I had only done so-so the Sir is more pleased then expected, and when I was thinking it was okay then it was shot down like an over-inflated air ballon, so am trying to let go of making any self evaluations other than just to complete the assigned tasks/report according to the standards given, or request more information by which to go by in doing so.

_____________________________

Healthy living, diet and exercise...and you say that's a bad thing?!!

(in reply to LuckyAlbatross)

Post #: 50

RE: Too prideful to say your safeword? - 2/21/2007 4:04:50 PM

Sinergy

Posts: 9383
Joined: 4/26/2004
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: SirDominic

Better to have no safe word, than a perceived one that does not exist.

Namaste, Sir Dominic

On a related note, I think of a "safe word" as her way of saying "no" to me for what I am about to do.

Her having one means that her not using it is her way of saying "yes, please" for what I am about to do.

How can I believe "yes" if she is unable to say "no?"

Sinergy

_____________________________

"There is a fine line between clever and stupid"
David St. Hubbins "This Is Spinal Tap"

"Every so often you let a word or phrase out and you want to catch it and bring it back. You cant do that, it is gone, gone forever." J. Danforth Quayle

(in reply to SirDominic)

Post #: 51

RE: Too prideful to say your safeword? - 2/21/2007 4:20:44 PM

bandit25

Posts: 3029
Joined: 6/18/2005
Status: offline

That's pretty much how I feel too, julia. If you're never going to use it, because you're too proud, then what's the point in having one?

I never had one either. Don't know if I was just lucky or what, but nothing has ever happened where I needed one.

(in reply to juliaoceania)

Post #: 52

RE: Too prideful to say your safeword? - 2/21/2007 5:04:47 PM

TheHousehold

Posts: 33
Joined: 1/27/2007
Status: offline

The use of a safeword absolutely must not be a matter of shame or embarrassment, or be regarded as a sign of failure.

A limit is a limit. So long as a safeword is used responsibly and appropriately, it is a vital signal from a sub to a Dom that she is reaching the edge of what she can tolerate. The Dom HAS to have that kind of feedback, or else He is never going to properly understand His submissive.

And it is incumbent upon the submissive to ensure that she only uses a safeword when she absolutely has to.

(in reply to bandit25)

Post #: 53

RE: Too prideful to say your safeword? - 2/21/2007 6:03:29 PM

SlyStone

Posts: 398
Joined: 12/23/2006
From: Chicago
Status: offline

If you need a safe word than you can't trust the dom. If you can't trust the dom than a safe word will not save you.

_____________________________

Life shrinks or expands in proportion to one's courage.

Anais Nin

(in reply to TheHousehold)

Post #: 54

RE: Too prideful to say your safeword? - 2/21/2007 6:03:56 PM

LuckyAlbatross

Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
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quote:

ORIGINAL: chrissyslave
How difficult for those here to let go of auto-evaluation, of self and results of tasks or assignments, based on our own standards to which to aspire to and to feel satisfied or not with results?

I never said to let go oo self-evaluation and judgement. In fact most masters rely quite heavily on a slave's ability to be self-aware and communicate that awareness towards them.

I simply said that the slave needs to let go of being the judgy, jury and executioner.

quote:

The main point being made seems to me is that being in the proper sub/slave mindset means settting aside ALL our own standards, upper and lower, and seek what the Dom/Master wants, although he/she may want to see what our pre-set standards are to begin with or early on in the relationship. Care to comment?

A great majority of slaves are perfectionist control freaks.

You see why choosing an owner who will be a good choice for the long term is so important? Their standards have to work for everyone.

If you get into a relationship which fulfills you, you aren't giving up yourself, you're BECOMING yourself.

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to chrissyslave)

Post #: 55

RE: Too prideful to say your safeword? - 2/21/2007 6:05:04 PM

LuckyAlbatross

Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: SlyStone
If you need a safe word than you can't trust the dom.

False.

quote:

If you can't trust the dom than a safe word will not save you.

True.

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to SlyStone)

Post #: 56

RE: Too prideful to say your safeword? - 2/21/2007 6:09:12 PM

SlyStone

Posts: 398
Joined: 12/23/2006
From: Chicago
Status: offline

False.

False

True.

True

_____________________________

Life shrinks or expands in proportion to one's courage.

Anais Nin

(in reply to LuckyAlbatross)

Post #: 57

RE: Too prideful to say your safeword? - 2/21/2007 6:20:24 PM

juliaoceania

Posts: 21383
Joined: 4/19/2006
From: Somewhere Over the Rainbow
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: SlyStone

If you need a safe word than you can't trust the dom. If you can't trust the dom than a safe word will not save you.

Universals like this are rarely true or accurate, and they paint the person that uses them as not being knowledgeable about what they speak of.

You are completely wrong, safewords have nothing to do with trust anymore than saying "You sliced my eye with the tip of your whip" One is just a lot more quick to say than the other, and easily understood.

I am not going to get into an argument yet again over this topic, but until you can get an objective way to measure trust between people I will believe you to be full of hubris in that you cannot back this assertion in any sort of way. I am not so arrogant as to think I can judge how much two other people trust each other because they use a safeword. I bet you think that WIITWD is deeper than vanilla too, this sort of thinking tends to go hand and hand

_____________________________

Once you label me, you negate me ~ Soren Kierkegaard

Reality has a well known Liberal Bias ~ Stephen Colbert

Great minds discuss ideas; Average minds discuss events; Small minds discuss people. Eleanor Roosevelt

(in reply to SlyStone)

Post #: 58

RE: Too prideful to say your safeword? - 2/21/2007 6:27:03 PM

Sinergy

Posts: 9383
Joined: 4/26/2004
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: juliaoceania

quote:

ORIGINAL: SlyStone

If you need a safe word than you can't trust the dom. If you can't trust the dom than a safe word will not save you.

Universals like this are rarely true or accurate, and they paint the person that uses them as not being knowledgeable about what they speak of.

You are completely wrong, safewords have nothing to do with trust anymore than saying "You sliced my eye with the tip of your whip" One is just a lot more quick to say than the other, and easily understood.

I am not going to get into an argument yet again over this topic, but until you can get an objective way to measure trust between people I will believe you to be full of hubris in that you cannot back this assertion in any sort of way. I am not so arrogant as to think I can judge how much two other people trust each other because they use a safeword. I bet you think that WIITWD is deeper than vanilla too, this sort of thinking tends to go hand and hand

strumpet and I agreed on a safe word.

We were playing, and I did something (face slapping) which freaked out some part of her consciousness and she used her safe word.

Then I had to deal with the 2 hours of obligatory "Im sorry, Daddy, for using my safe word" by saying "dudette, its not a big deal."

Then she got slapped a few more times. Soup spoons on her back sides. Doing her like dinner.

It was all good. My ego was not involved in her having an issue with something I did.

Sinergy

_____________________________

"There is a fine line between clever and stupid"
David St. Hubbins "This Is Spinal Tap"

"Every so often you let a word or phrase out and you want to catch it and bring it back. You cant do that, it is gone, gone forever." J. Danforth Quayle

(in reply to juliaoceania)

Post #: 59

RE: Too prideful to say your safeword? - 2/21/2007 6:37:11 PM

SlyStone

Posts: 398
Joined: 12/23/2006
From: Chicago
Status: offline

I bet you think that WIITWD is deeper than vanilla too, this sort of thinking tends to go hand and hand

Feel free to disagree with any thing I say, I have no problem being called wrong, but but please do not make silly accusations such as this when you know nothing about what I think or believe.

It shows a lack of thought on your part and and a clear propensity to jump to conclusions and make assumptions in order to support your point which brings into question anything you have to say.

_____________________________

Life shrinks or expands in proportion to one's courage.

Anais Nin

(in reply to juliaoceania)

Post #: 60

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