When do you mention it? (Full Version)

All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> General BDSM Discussion



Message

sexyone4you -> When do you mention it? (2/17/2007 11:09:39 AM)

Last night I was talking with a Dom who I have scened with before.  After having scened with him & having chatting with him for some time, he wound up telling me about a lot of things that I personally felt he should have told me sooner.  Some things were a surprise to learn and other things worried me (ie he is disabled due to depression & has recently stopped taking his meds).  I did convey my surprise & concerns to him about what he told me & that I think he should have told me sooner.

I am curious if anyone else has had this happen.  I have recently read a lot about slaves & subs being bipolar or having depression.  When did you share this with your Dom, Master, or play partners?  If you are a Dom, do you share this sort of information?  If so, when do you do it?



LuckyAlbatross -> RE: When do you mention it? (2/17/2007 11:11:55 AM)

That's how we learn.  Now, you've learned there are specific questions you need to ask before going to a certain place with them so you feel comfortable.

FOr me it depends on the relationship I want.  FOr a quick fuck and a scene, I don't need to know much.  FOr a lifelong commitment, I need to know a lot.



myobedience -> RE: When do you mention it? (2/17/2007 11:13:21 AM)

Relationships are like an onion.
The more trust and respect you have, the more you shed your layers to someone.



velvetears -> RE: When do you mention it? (2/17/2007 11:15:18 AM)

i would not expect someone to reveal themselves on any kind of a personal level to me until it was clear we were headed towards a relationship.  If someone wanted to share things of a personal nature with me i would be "caring listener", but i would never expect it. 

When did depression become a disability?  i would be curious to know why he takes on that label and if it disabled him why he would stop taking his meds?



myobedience -> RE: When do you mention it? (2/17/2007 11:17:54 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: velvetears
When did depression become a disability?  i would be curious to know why he takes on that label and if it disabled him why he would stop taking his meds?


Tis an EXCELLENT question for the health section



juliaoceania -> RE: When do you mention it? (2/17/2007 11:19:43 AM)

You need to ask your "deal breaker" questions and not assume that others will give you an entire medical and emotional history before they let themselves play with you. Perhaps in his view he told you because he only tells people he feels close to about his issues. He felt safe after playing and establishing an emotional connection.

If I had this happen to me I would feel that it was my own fault for not asking. I ask my deal breaker questions before even meeting someone. If mental health issues are a deal breaker you need to ask. Depression is rather common, and it often can be successfully treated to the point it never reoccurs. I would get the details of his condition before dismissing a super terrific person based on what you have related here.



sexyone4you -> RE: When do you mention it? (2/17/2007 11:22:02 AM)

Thank you for answering.  I never really thought of it as a "deal breaker" question before.  It's kind of like when I figured out that I had to actually list having sex with kids as a hard limit.



ExSteelAgain -> RE: When do you mention it? (2/17/2007 11:23:05 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: velvetears
When did depression become a disability?  i would be curious to know why he takes on that label and if it disabled him why he would stop taking his meds?


Yeah, this is kind of strange. If you considered yourself "disabled" why wouldn't you take your meds? Lots of people have depression and manage it well and often have great jobs.



FelinePersuasion -> RE: When do you mention it? (2/17/2007 11:26:57 AM)

I asked him as soon as it became clear we wanted to be D/s. I said now is there any serious illnesses mental diseases instabilities I should know about, and he said he is chronically depressed and is not on medication now cause of not having insurance for it.

quote:

ORIGINAL: sexyone4you

If you are a Dom, do you share this sort of information?  If so, when do you do it?



FelinePersuasion -> RE: When do you mention it? (2/17/2007 11:30:05 AM)

If I ever was in the position to do things over start new, depression and mental illness's or things like suicide attempts and or sucicidal tendancies, would be a deal breaker, so I would ask the minute someone and I showed mutal interest in going there.



fierceflawless -> RE: When do you mention it? (2/17/2007 11:32:54 AM)

Speaking from personal experience as someone who suffers from depression, it can be a disability. But you should still always take your medication unless otherwise directed by a medical professional. A number of anti-depressants require you to wean off the drug, you can't just stop taking them one day. Well, you can, but you run the risk of suffering withdrawal symptoms, which again, from personal experience, are not pleasant. Part of me wants to defend this Dom because it can be difficult to open up to someone about your issues and while you may have wanted to know sooner, maybe he couldn't open up to you until he knew you weren't going to judge him. But then again, if his issues are not in control and he's not in a stable place, that's something he should have mentioned before playing.



gooddogbenji -> RE: When do you mention it? (2/17/2007 11:41:27 AM)

I think we all have personal information that we don't announce to the world, but someone may feel it should have been revealed sooner.  Mental illness is a big one, but past abuse, physical defects, financial situations, family situations, and many more can be equally awkward.

You don't want to send them running, but telling them about your testicular war wound on your wedding night isn't right either.

In the end, if you don't ask, they will tell you on their own time. 

Yours,


benji



sexyone4you -> RE: When do you mention it? (2/17/2007 11:41:43 AM)

Actually, I am not judging him.  I was a social worker for years, and I am familiar with depression & do not judge anyone for something they can't help.  Depression is either situational or chemical.  When you stop taking medication, that is where I have an issue.  I had an ex who was a nice man until he went off his meds.  I had shared with this Dom about how this had happened with my ex a while back & he still remained silent.



juliaoceania -> RE: When do you mention it? (2/17/2007 11:42:44 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: sexyone4you

Thank you for answering.  I never really thought of it as a "deal breaker" question before.  It's kind of like when I figured out that I had to actually list having sex with kids as a hard limit.


Actually this is a vanilla concept in my opinion. I have a list that has nothing to do with the lifestyle that I called my "deal breaker list". Smokers, drunks, druggies, people with HIV/AIDS or other STDs, chronically unemployed people, people with a violent criminal record that happened less than 20 years ago, people who are mentally ill to the point of needing psychotropic drugs... just a few of my deal breakers.

And BTW, I think of all criminal activities that create victims as hardlimits... I do not see a need to make special categories of them like you stated in the post I quoted.



MasterFireMaam -> RE: When do you mention it? (2/17/2007 12:01:14 PM)

While I make no bones about (WHERE did that phrase come from???) being bipolar, it's not something that I'd necessarily feel I needed to tell right off the bat. I feel this way because I'm stable and have been for years.

As for him recently coming off his meds, this may not be a bad thing. There are different kinds of depression...some require meds for life, some only require meds for a while. It's like the different between being wheelchair due to amputation and being on crutches due to a broken bone. An extreme analogy, but hopefully helpful.

Master Fire



eyesopened -> RE: When do you mention it? (2/17/2007 12:42:11 PM)

Depression is an illness that can be debilitating for some sufferers and is listed as a legitimate condition under the Americans with Disabilities Act.



Stephann -> RE: When do you mention it? (2/17/2007 1:20:18 PM)

I only share what I feel I need to share, when I feel the need to share it.  I don't very well tell someone I just met in a bar that I broke my kneecap when I was seven years old.  I don't have much patience, nor invest future effort towards a romantic relationship with a woman who chooses not to tell me she is married.

Depression (medicated or otherwise) doesn't necessarily mean a person shouldn't scene.  I wouldnt' feel comfortable scening with a woman I barely (or don't) know, and would adjust my actions to reflect that lack of familiarity.  Depressed people can spank, and be spanked.  I accept when I do any sort of scene, that there are inherent emotional and physical risks; if she has an undisclosed heart condition, she could very well end up dead.  She could also end up dead jogging, or just walking up my stairs, for the same reason; so I don't see the risks involved any greater (or lesser) than any other sort of physical activity.

Stephan





FemmeOwner -> RE: When do you mention it? (2/17/2007 2:18:41 PM)

Actually, I can answer that, as I was in a major depression for the better part of my 30's. There's a particular mindset peculiar to depression that makes things just seem not worthwhile, to the point that it doesn't even seem like taking the meds are worthwhile either. Sometimes, when you're at that bottom of the pit, and the light is so far above your head you feel like you'll never get out no matter how hard you try... some days it just doesn't seem worth the effort.  The antidepressants don't FIX anything. They make you better able to function, but don't treat the depression itself. You have to get out of the pit yourself, through counseling or whatever. The meds don't do it for you. Unfortunately the depression itself sucks all the ambition/motivation/energy from you, so you're defeated before you even start. Or so it seems. Well-meaning (but clueless) people who come along trying to be helpful and telling you to just pull yourself together and get out there and beat that depression, don't help at all. It only adds guilt or a feeling of self-blam to the depression, because you can't do what everyone assures you that you should be able to do... I mean, *they* are able to pull it together, right? It is, of course, what you have to do... but by the very nature of depression, you can be almost literally incapable of doing so without help.

Depression can be bad enough to disable someone, if they are unable to function. The "vegetative" type symptoms are particularly bad for that.

I pulled myself out of that pit several years ago, and it wasn't the meds that helped. They just kept me alive and functioning on a very basic level until I could manage to get claw my way out on my own, and it took me over 10 years to do it. It's not a fun place to be, I NEVER want to be there again, and anyone in that space, has my sincerest sympathy.

quote:

ORIGINAL: ExSteelAgain
quote:

ORIGINAL: velvetears
When did depression become a disability?  i would be curious to know why he takes on that label and if it disabled him why he would stop taking his meds?


Yeah, this is kind of strange. If you considered yourself "disabled" why wouldn't you take your meds? Lots of people have depression and manage it well and often have great jobs.



RumpusParable -> RE: When do you mention it? (2/17/2007 2:34:06 PM)

My thoughts have generally been said:  it depends on the relationship type I'm going for/have with them and at what point we're at in getting to know each other.



kate -> RE: When do you mention it? (2/17/2007 3:23:52 PM)

depression dosen't mean that they are not in controll of themselves....there is no reason to tell people abut your depression untill you are ready....as long as he isn't dangerious then it should not really be an issue



Page: [1] 2 3   next >   >>

Valid CSS!




Collarchat.com © 2025
Terms of Service Privacy Policy Spam Policy
7.421875E-02