RE: Are there any failsafe ways to spot a troll or psychopath?

RE: Are there any failsafe ways to spot a troll or psychopath? (Full Version)

All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> Ask a Master

Message

Manawyddan -> RE: Are there any failsafe ways to spot a troll or psychopath? (3/19/2005 6:59:33 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: MsSilvie I always play with a safeword in effect. And Heaven knows you don't have to use it to get me to either stop or modify what's going on. I would like to point out that a safeword isn't a fail safe device either. Subspace can be treacherous territory. A lot of bottoms can get very non-verbal. Some of them just don't think of using a safeword, even when it's obvious to someone impartial to the situation that they should use it. It's difficult many times to gauge just where a new and unfamiliar bottom is, head-wise. So until you know each other really well, I think a top should be reasonably conservative about activity. Excellent point. I likewise always play with a safeword in place, but rarely use it (and certainly for a first scene, don't see 'playing to safeword' as a goal ... that's rather like 'driving until you need to use your airbag'). I have had numerous scenes with people who go completely nonverbal when in subspace, and anyone topping ought to be attuned enough to tell from a shift in their partner's breathing that something has changed and may not be right. It's also possible that the checking-in process ... "are you all right?" ... breaks them out of subspace. My response to that complaint is: "l90000cvfg" [um, no, that was my cat typing] "it was our first scene, it won't be perfect. the next one will be better."

SweetDommes -> RE: Are there any failsafe ways to spot a troll or psychopath? (3/19/2005 10:55:08 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: MsSilvie Exactly. The other person knowing you have a safe call system in place does far more for your safety than actually activating it. Don't be shy about asking for info about the other person. Keep a list of where you plan to go, and all the contact info for the other person where someone will be able to find it easily. And this would be why I pointed out to make sure that the person you are meeting knows that you have your safecall set up - and as for the person going psycho after you call ... that would be the reason for the second call. And the whole 'using someone on the other side of the continent' thing - common sense should rule out that as an option. We don't have too many local friends, but we always make sure that one is available as a safecall when we go to meet someone new (or we use our boy that we already have collared, since he is quite familiar with the area, even if he may not be home at the time). I know it's a little paranoid of me, but you know what - just because I'm paranoid doesn't mean that people AREN'T out to get me. There are way too many wackos out there who now have access to multiple ways to find new victims - and a lot of them are pretty damn good fakers. I don't go to bars to pick up random people for the same reason. This is the world that we currently live in, and I'd rather be safe than dead. As much as I like someone, I request that they have a safecall set up, and I make sure that Holly and I can both go meet the person and that someone knows where we are.

EmeraldSlave2 -> RE: Are there any failsafe ways to spot a troll or psychopath? (3/19/2005 1:35:19 PM)
Again if I feel like I have to warn someone to scare them into acting right, I just won't meet them. We all have our own lines. With the right person, I can be comfortable with them coming straight to my home for a first meet and play right off. With the wrong person they will never see me at all. You decide what your line is, but make sure its based on REAL understanding and not just fear. Make sure your safety measures can actually DO something to help you, not just to make you feel safe.

Focus50 -> RE: Are there any failsafe ways to spot a troll or psychopath? (3/25/2005 1:22:50 AM)
Ok, there's a world of difference between scening and a first meeting. Medea, as Clint Eastwood said in "The Rookie": "If you want a guarantee, buy a toaster!" What you do have is your instincts - your own common sense. Just like a first vanilla meeting, if your gut instinct tells you to run, you run Fast! You don't need any experience or some diploma, nor even know what a Dom is to know if something feels wrong about another person, including a stranger.... Most of us know someone who creeps us out without actually knowing why - they just do! That would be our instincts kicking in.... quote: ORIGINAL: TallDarkAndWitty Personally, I would never play with a person in private until I have played with them in public. It is good to have witnesses that have seen you in a scene with someone. I hafta say this is the worst piece of general advice for a newbie I've ever read! Few of us are voyeurs as Taggard apparently is. And I think just as few are here only for kink or thrills. BDSM is how I express intimacy and, just as I wasn't one for vanilla sex in front of any audience, I'm not into public scening either! You don't need witnesses nor references for a happy, successful vanilla relationship and you don't need them in D/s either! Wankers and con-men have a way of sounding and presenting as wankers and con-men! As I often say: "If it looks, walks and quacks like a duck, it's a duck to me!" All ya gotta do is have basic safety and common sense precautions in place, such as meeting in a public place, and then go with your feelings or instincts about the other person. Focus50.

Oumae -> RE: Are there any failsafe ways to spot a troll or psychopath? (3/25/2005 4:38:35 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Focus50 Ok, there's a world of difference between scening and a first meeting. Medea, as Clint Eastwood said in "The Rookie": "If you want a guarantee, buy a toaster!" What you do have is your instincts - your own common sense. Just like a first vanilla meeting, if your gut instinct tells you to run, you run Fast! You don't need any experience or some diploma, nor even know what a Dom is to know if something feels wrong about another person, including a stranger.... Most of us know someone who creeps us out without actually knowing why - they just do! That would be our instincts kicking in.... Focus50. I agree with the common sense.... Its the best advice and while it may seem obvious I have seen so many throw theirs out the window when starting online. quote: ORIGINAL: Focus50 quote: ORIGINAL: TallDarkAndWitty Personally, I would never play with a person in private until I have played with them in public. It is good to have witnesses that have seen you in a scene with someone. I hafta say this is the worst piece of general advice for a newbie I've ever read! Few of us are voyeurs as Taggard apparently is. And I think just as few are here only for kink or thrills. BDSM is how I express intimacy and, just as I wasn't one for vanilla sex in front of any audience, I'm not into public scening either! You don't need witnesses nor references for a happy, successful vanilla relationship and you don't need them in D/s either! Wankers and con-men have a way of sounding and presenting as wankers and con-men! As I often say: "If it looks, walks and quacks like a duck, it's a duck to me!" All ya gotta do is have basic safety and common sense precautions in place, such as meeting in a public place, and then go with your feelings or instincts about the other person. Focus50. I didnt read this as being voyeuristic! I've known Dom's who have played with newbies and were very glad they did it in public as when the "subs" called abuse they had witnesses to say the "sub" consented and had people spot for them so had checked continuously that the "sub" was ok. A slightly different scenario as these were just giving the new sub a taste of what some of the toys felt like. So I think that can be good advice for some Dom/mes in some situations. I, myself am not hugely into public play but like to check out and get a feel for people I meet in public situations... how they interact with other friends etc. Try meeting people at a Munch Medea. The Dublin one is friendly and I know Cork is closer for you and there have been attempts to set one up there. Oumae

MsSilvie -> RE: Are there any failsafe ways to spot a troll or psychopath? (3/25/2005 6:45:31 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: TallDarkAndWitty Personally, I would never play with a person in private until I have played with them in public. It is good to have witnesses that have seen you in a scene with someone. I understand the logic behind this, but you would have ruled out everyone I have played with other than two folks, as well as me. Not everyone plays in public. I worry less about someone yelling "non-con!" than I would if I were a male playing with females. Even so, I'm careful to keep e-mails and discuss with folks exactly what to expect (bruises and welts) and anything else that I could see as being a problem. I won't play super hard the first couple times either. Use common sense, get a good feel for your (potantial) partner, and play smart.

TallDarkAndWitty -> RE: Are there any failsafe ways to spot a troll or psychopath? (3/25/2005 7:42:41 AM)
Dude...do you really want to set yourself up as my dueling partner? It is kind of flattering, but I have time on my hands, a pretty good grasp of the medium and a bit of experience. So you'd better buckle up for safety. wink quote: ORIGINAL: Focus50 quote: ORIGINAL: TallDarkAndWitty Personally, I would never play with a person in private until I have played with them in public. It is good to have witnesses that have seen you in a scene with someone. I hafta say this is the worst piece of general advice for a newbie I've ever read! I am not really sure it is advice as much it is what has worked for me over the years. I doubt a newbie dom would have the confidence and/or knowledge to successfully negotiate, plan, and execute a public scene. As an experieced dom, however, I won't play with anyone who doesn't want to first play in public as a safeguard to my reputation and as a legal safeguard. quote: Few of us are voyeurs as Taggard apparently is. Voyeur? As a wise man once said, "I do not think that word means what you think it means." What I am is an exhibitionist. The 2002 World Exhibition Champion...to be precise. smile I require a slave who is willing to serve me in very public ways. Having a slave serve me in public before I get at all serious ensures that she will meet that requirement. You see, I can afford to be quite picky...in my world, the odds are in the dom's favor. smile quote: And I think just as few are here only for kink or thrills. If "here" is online BDSM...I might agree with you (though I could certainly make an argument against it). If "here" is real life BDSM, I wouldn't agree at all. I consider "here" to be real life, as I am not online to make online contacts. It is pretty obvious from this and other posts where you spend your time. quote: BDSM is how I express intimacy and, just as I wasn't one for vanilla sex in front of any audience, I'm not into public scening either! To each their own... quote: You don't need witnesses nor references for a happy, successful vanilla relationship and you don't need them in D/s either! You and I obviously run in different circles. The kind of people I hang with fly out from Cali to NY to meet with a man for the first time and then have outrageously kinky sex chainded to a motorcycle behind an empty warehouse the night they meet. Sure, you don't need references or witnesses to pull that off, but I really wouldn't recommend doing it without them. Taggard

TallDarkAndWitty -> RE: Are there any failsafe ways to spot a troll or psychopath? (3/25/2005 7:54:40 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: MsSilvie quote: ORIGINAL: TallDarkAndWitty Personally, I would never play with a person in private until I have played with them in public. It is good to have witnesses that have seen you in a scene with someone. I understand the logic behind this, but you would have ruled out everyone I have played with other than two folks, as well as me. Not everyone plays in public. Which is why I began the sentance with "Personally". What I do clearly isn't for everyone...but it works for me. As I said above, I require public play, so it makes no sense for me to get involved with someone if they do not enjoy playing in public. quote: I worry less about someone yelling "non-con!" than I would if I were a male playing with females. As someone with quite a bit to lose, this weighs pretty heavily on my mind. I like to play with different partners and don't really want to spend weeks online, on the phone, or over coffee to really feel them out. Playing in public allows me to protect myself, yet enjoy my kinks. quote: Even so, I'm careful to keep e-mails and discuss with folks exactly what to expect (bruises and welts) and anything else that I could see as being a problem. I won't play super hard the first couple times either. I use contracts and checklists as well as keeping emails. And I never really play super hard...well, not physically, at least. wink Taggard

tigerdaddy -> RE: Are there any failsafe ways to spot a troll or psychopath? (3/25/2005 8:18:38 AM)
I am a Dom with 25 years experience. I do not play in public except on rare occasion. I have never need or required witnesses. I just simply avoid foolish or troubled submissives. I am always careful to leave no marks or bruises until I know her better when meeting a new one. The courts have consistently judged that no one can even voluntarily agree to being beaten or abused in any mannner. If you make her angry and she goes to the cops, witnesses to it being consensual are no help. All a witness can provide is further testimony to help you be convicted of criminal assault. The best policy is to be gentle and caring and not anger her in the first place. The Dom who stated he never plays with a submissive unless she has first done a public scene with him sounds like an amateur or internet Dom to me. If active in real life he would know very few submissives want public scenes. Most of them prefer total privacy and an intimate setting at least until the relationship is fully defined and developed. Sorry but thats the way it is in real life...Tigerdaddy

EmeraldSlave2 -> RE: Are there any failsafe ways to spot a troll or psychopath? (3/25/2005 8:30:20 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: tigerdaddy The Dom who stated he never plays with a submissive unless she has first done a public scene with him sounds like an amateur or internet Dom to me. Actually a lot of people, doms and subs consider this good advice. Personally I think it gives them a false sense of security, if someone is a safe player, they will be in both arenas and if I don't trust to play in private I won't play AT ALL. But there's no reason why they would be an amateur or net online. quote: If active in real life he would know very few submissives want public scenes. Ummmm where on this earth are you? Have you been to events? We can name dozens of clubs which operate every week which are hopping with many many people playing. Then there are the conventions- TESFest, Black Rose, Thunder in the Mountains, Boston Fetish Flea, Folsom Flea, SELF, Leather Retreat, on and on and on populated by THOUSANDS of people who play in public. quote: Most of them prefer total privacy and an intimate setting at least until the relationship is fully defined and developed. Sorry but thats the way it is in real life...Tigerdaddy There certainly are lots of people who do private only and have no desire to go to public play. But to suggest that few submissives want public play is just outright false. Love Liz

TallDarkAndWitty -> RE: Are there any failsafe ways to spot a troll or psychopath? (3/25/2005 8:36:01 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: tigerdaddy The Dom who stated he never plays with a submissive unless she has first done a public scene with him sounds like an amateur or internet Dom to me. While it is true that I have never made any money from my BDSM skills, I can say that I was propositioned for a pay session and that my Ballroom Dance/BDSM lessons are currently the highest selling item in the RKS service auction. As for being an internet Dom, I am going to assume you mean and internet only Dom...how could one do that and do public scenes? Are you doubting that I do public scenes? I will kindly provide references if required, but those who have seen me scene in public who are regular posters on this board include Protaganist_Lily, Topcat, Alexander, soingbird26 and Celestia (ok, Celestia was blindfolded for much of her scene, so she, maybe, doesn't count smile). quote: If active in real life he would know very few submissives want public scenes. We, obviously, run in very different circles. At Black Rose, there were so many public scenes in one space, it literally changed the way I look at life. I have never been to Paddles in NYC and not found at least one willing participant. You are making it pretty obvious that you have never actually been to a BDSM club/party/event... quote: Most of them prefer total privacy and an intimate setting at least until the relationship is fully defined and developed. Sorry but thats the way it is in real life...Tigerdaddy I bet there are 6 or 7 doms for every sub in your "real life" as well, right Tigerdaddy? Taggard

ProtagonistLily -> RE: Are there any failsafe ways to spot a troll or psychopath? (3/25/2005 8:43:00 AM)
quote: quote: ORIGINAL: TallDarkAndWitty Personally, I would never play with a person in private until I have played with them in public. It is good to have witnesses that have seen you in a scene with someone. I hafta say this is the worst piece of general advice for a newbie I've ever read! Few of us are voyeurs as Taggard apparently is. And I think just as few are here only for kink or thrills. BDSM is how I express intimacy and, just as I wasn't one for vanilla sex in front of any audience, I'm not into public scening either! You don't need witnesses nor references for a happy, successful vanilla relationship and you don't need them in D/s either! Well, thank you for your interpretation. However, it's clearly defensive. I never play with someone new in private either. Perhaps I'm an exhibitionist and know a lot of voyeurs but I can tell you this: I end up with a submissive who has never played who goes into a bout of sub rage, I have back up. I don't have that in a private setting. So, thanks for your barbs and your criticisms. If you are interested in having someone flip out on you in private, that's certainly your business. But I would caution you from making broad based judgements on other people's safety practices like this. You show how ignorant you really are. It's not about voyeurism, it's about safety. Lily

desoutter -> RE: Are there any failsafe ways to spot a troll or psychopath? (3/25/2005 9:02:04 AM)
In the past I have always been partial to "yellow" for a nice slow down. "POW" means stop everything - the play is over. Always following up a session with what works and what didnt is also a good way to find out the 'what you like and do not like' aspect of your sessions. Also - If while during your game play you find yourself or yourselves stagnating - just stop - if you hit the wall, sub or Dom, just stop! - try something else... or try another day. D/s are responsible for their subs well being first and foremost - and I have stopped myself cold when I start to lose focus - or am unsure about where things are going. No foul - no harm. As far as having a way 'spot' the weekend warrior - 'I like tying up chics' - D/s... The only way I 'know how' is to go by your gut instinct - If you sense something about a person you will often times be correct in your assessment. Another thing I like to do early on in a relationship - is go by the 'Honor Bondage' System. whereby the sub is in a position of being bound - with no ropes! If things become uncomfortable for you - get up and go! Its a good way to take things slow, learn to trust your D/s and when your both ready - go for it! I have found this lifestyle to be one of the most personally rewarding aspects of my life - finding someone who shares and understands this can be very daunting - but never compromise! Hang in there and the right D/s will surface from time to time. Your safety is paramount! Be responsible and understanding - give D/s a chance but go with your gut! desoutter

desoutter -> RE: Are there any failsafe ways to spot a troll or psychopath? (3/25/2005 9:27:17 AM)
quote: The courts have consistently judged that no one can even voluntarily agree to being beaten or abused in any mannner. If you make her angry and she goes to the cops, witnesses to it being consensual are no help. All a witness can provide is further testimony to help you be convicted of criminal assault. Years ago I was involved with a sub who wanted to start play rape / interogation scenes with me. I was interested in exploring this with her but thought I would do some research and get some suggestions. One of the best pieces of advice I have ever received on the subject concerns - a contract signed by participating parties - outlining in detail the events of the game play - Note in detail all that will transpire - Once game play begins have a copy of the contract on your person at all times. If for some reason you are interrupted by the police (as an example) STAY CALM - obey their commands - they will be unaware of your game play - assume the worst - and ask questions later, so its best to comply and explain later. As far as any type of BD SM goes - It is not illegal. Parties must be consentual - and if you are uncertain as to your subs consent - jot it down and your ass is covered (somewhat). I have never in 20 years personally seen someone go to jail for BD SM - or any other type of game play. However I always use a contract, just in case. This article, though written in 1998 by Rumpoule, discusses some interesting aspects of our lifestyle (SM/fetish communities). http://gloria-brame.com/domidea/rumpoule.htm desoutter

TallDarkAndWitty -> RE: Are there any failsafe ways to spot a troll or psychopath? (3/25/2005 9:39:47 AM)
Welcome to the boards!!! I hope you will be a regular contributer. quote: ORIGINAL: desoutter One of the best pieces of advice I have ever received on the subject concerns - a contract signed by participating parties - outlining in detail the events of the game play - Note in detail all that will transpire - Once game play begins have a copy of the contract on your person at all times. As many of the regulars on this board know, I am a contract freak. In addition to having a paperwork fetish, I use contracts for exactly the reason you state above. Ask any trial lawyer if he would rather have the law on his side or the facts on his side, and he will pick the facts every time. No DA is going to prosecute a case of consensual BDSM play in a BDSM club or party as assault. However, if a scene were to go bad in private and the girl were to cry rape, with no contract and no witnesses...that is a very different scenario, and one I am not willing to enact. Taggard

EmeraldSlave2 -> RE: Are there any failsafe ways to spot a troll or psychopath? (3/25/2005 9:59:31 AM)
I think to suggest it can't happen is going too far. Some states have laws that say a person CANNOT consent to being physically abused, writing it down won't change that. Now, contracts can be nice to put pen to paper that the person was at least aware and can certainly help your case. But they aren't legally binding and won't prove anything. Guys can be prosecuted for rape even if the girl said yes prior to the act.

TallDarkAndWitty -> RE: Are there any failsafe ways to spot a troll or psychopath? (3/25/2005 10:07:36 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: EmeraldSlave2 I think to suggest it can't happen is going too far. Some states have laws that say a person CANNOT consent to being physically abused, writing it down won't change that. Do you know of any case where someone has been prosecuted for assault for consensual play in a fully witnessed BDSM scene? I think that would have made some sort of news in these circles, but if you do know of a case that I have missed, I would be very interested in hearing about it. Again, what the law says, and what a DA is willing to prosecute are very different things. Taggard

EmeraldSlave2 -> RE: Are there any failsafe ways to spot a troll or psychopath? (3/25/2005 10:39:42 AM)
My point is what I stated first- to say it CANT happen is going a bit too far.

Focus50 -> RE: Are there any failsafe ways to spot a troll or psychopath? (3/25/2005 6:43:46 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: ProtagonistLily Well, thank you for your interpretation. However, it's clearly defensive. I never play with someone new in private either. Perhaps I'm an exhibitionist and know a lot of voyeurs but I can tell you this: I end up with a submissive who has never played who goes into a bout of sub rage, I have back up. I don't have that in a private setting. So, thanks for your barbs and your criticisms. If you are interested in having someone flip out on you in private, that's certainly your business. But I would caution you from making broad based judgements on other people's safety practices like this. You show how ignorant you really are. It's not about voyeurism, it's about safety. Lily Defensive?? Ok, I gather you mean that as an insult but it's pretty lame.... lmao What you call "barbs and your criticisms" is, in fact, just my opinion. If you feel it's directly aimed at you, then I refer you to your own "insult" above.... For you and and Taggard in particular, it'll obviously shock you that a good many of us don't regard the BDSM lifestyle as some sort of freak-show or orgy where you just wander in and "play" with any piece of available sub meat! There are those of us who live our private lives as a D/s or M/s monogamous relationship.... At the risk of further generalising or "making broad based judgements" (gasp!!), I'd wager the majority of us aren't here just for primal kink! Is it really so difficult to understand that BDSM can be about sharing a private, intimate relationship with a sub or slave you love? Lily, I don't and never have "played" at BDSM, it's how I live and love! Strut your public stage and show everyone your perceived skills but your ignorance is breath-taking if you think such laughable behaviour is typical of BDSM.... And frankly, anyone who needs witnesses lacks courage, principles and betrays themselves as untrustworthy from the outset! Do try and get over yourselves.... Focus50.

TallDarkAndWitty -> RE: Are there any failsafe ways to spot a troll or psychopath? (3/25/2005 7:17:47 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Focus50 For you and and Taggard in particular, it'll obviously shock you that a good many of us don't regard the BDSM lifestyle as some sort of freak-show or orgy where you just wander in and "play" with any piece of available sub meat! You are projecting your own shock, dude. I am quite aware that there are "Ozzy and Harriets with whips" out there. The BDSM they practice has almost nothing to do with the BDSM I practice. I think you might not be aware, however, of just how many of us are here for the "play." Not everyone, and certainly not the thousands who EmeraldSlave spoke of above, think BDSM is some spiritualy romantic way to express love and intamacy. Some of us like it because it is just plain fun... I understand your practice...I don't think you understand mine. quote: There are those of us who live our private lives as a D/s or M/s monogamous relationship.... At the risk of further generalising or "making broad based judgements" (gasp!!), I'd wager the majority of us aren't here just for primal kink! As someone who thinks that there are 6 or 7 doms for every submissive, your value as a meter of demographics is seriously low. Why would anyone listen to what you have to say on how the population of this lifestyle is comprised? You like to think that most people think like you... From what I know of those who participate in real life get togethers, they don't. YMMV. quote: Is it really so difficult to understand that BDSM can be about sharing a private, intimate relationship with a sub or slave you love? Of course not. Is it really so difficult to undestand that there are many others who simply do not practice BDSM that way? quote: Lily, I don't and never have "played" at BDSM, it's how I live and love! Strut your public stage and show everyone your perceived skills but your ignorance is breath-taking if you think such laughable behaviour is typical of BDSM.... Dude...you are accusing Lily of ignorance??? If I were you I would take a step back and make sure you really know what you are talking about. Have you been to Black Rose or Folsom? Do you belong to your local leather organization? Have you been to your local BDSM club? Do you know any people who do this in real life? Is your base of knowledge Castle Realm and chatrooms? You clearly come across as someone who simply has no clue what the real life BDSM scene is about. That's fine, as long as all you are talking about is what you do in the privacy of your own home...but to accuse others of ignorance of the lifestyle, when you clearly have no real life experience is just laughable. quote: And frankly, anyone who needs witnesses lacks courage, principles and betrays themselves as untrustworthy from the outset! Your lack of intellect leaves me speachless...and that really is saying something. It is not very often that someone says something so unbelievably stupid that I simply don't know where to start. I guess I will have to leave it to stand as its own rebuttle. quote: And frankly, anyone who needs witnesses lacks courage, principles and betrays themselves as untrustworthy from the outset! Taggard

Page: << < prev 1 [2] 3 4 next > >>

Collarchat.com © 2025

Terms of Service

0.046875