When is someone is trustworthy enough to put your life in their hands? (Full Version)

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SusanofO -> When is someone is trustworthy enough to put your life in their hands? (2/20/2007 11:31:59 PM)

Another question on the "Ask A  Master" section tonight got me thinking of exactly how most submissives determine trustworthiness in a prospective Dominant?

Also how and what Dominants do to try to prove they are worth a prospective submissive or slave putting their lives into their hands?  

Aside from paying attention to the little things a prospective Dominant does to indicate trustworthiness - like calling when he says he will, or being responsible in other ways (like being financially responsible, as one example) - it got me thinking that - aside from paying attention to things like this, and trusting one's own intuition as far as the "vibes" one may get about the character of a Dominant, what else is there, really, to go on?

I mean as far as a submissive or slave feeling some Dominant or Domme is trustworthy enough as far as being someone who is going to, sooner or later, be literally taking your life in their hands?

I know there is also the idea about checking references (could be only a quasi-reliable method, IMO, but possibly a good one).

I'd appreciate some answers from Dominants here, as far as what they do to suggest or indicate trustworthiness to a prospective submissive?

I am wondering, after reading some threads tonight, if some Dominants really do understand that they are asking for submissives to trust them enough they will put their life on the line, sometimes. I think it's fine for someone to say "trust me" - but what do they do (not just say), in particular, to show they're worth it, in a potentially life-endangering situation?

How do you really know if they are, or not, someone to whom you should submit in the first place? I mean as far as establishing a D/s dynamic to begin with?

I realize anyone can make a mistake, or be a bad judge of character - but I am talking about major indicators someone is going to be dangerous? Are there any, really, especially if you've received other major indications they are trustworthy?

I am really wondering. I am not trying to be critical here - this is a real honest question. I also realize that - sooner or later a submissive needs to take a "leap of faith" in this regard - hopefully it's not a misplaced leap. Because a safeword doesn't mean squat if you're dealing with someone who isn't going to listen anyway. Or expect you to make really unintelligent decisions to "prove you really trust them." (IMO, of course).

Any replies are appreciated - from submissives, slaves, Dommes, Doms - anyone. Thanks.

- Susan  



BitaTruble -> RE: How do you know someone is trustworthy enough to put your life in their hands? (2/20/2007 11:38:51 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: SusanofO

Another question on the "Ask A  Master" section tonight got me thinking of exactly how most submissives determine trustworthiness in a prospective Dominant?


I can't speak for most, but for me, it's time. When enough of it is devoted to discovering your partner, then you can determine whether or not it's part of their character and act accordingly.

quote:

Also how and what Dominants do to try to prove they are worth a prospective submissive or slave putting their lives into their hands?  


I would hope they were consistent in deed and word and doing the right thing over the easy thing and, again, that can be determined with time.

Celeste



SusanofO -> RE: How do you know someone is trustworthy enough to put your life in their hands? (2/20/2007 11:41:05 PM)

Thanks for the very intelligent reply, Bita.

- Susan 



wolffeathers -> RE: How do you know someone is trustworthy enough to put your life in their hands? (2/21/2007 12:13:39 AM)

I be myself.  Nothing more.  If I did something to make a slave feel they could put their life in my hands, then I am giving that girl a look at someone that I am not.



SusanofO -> RE: How do you know someone is trustworthy enough to put your life in their hands? (2/21/2007 12:16:49 AM)

Well that's a good answer, too - I guess. Do you usually play with safety in mind, though? Not promising that nothing will go wrong is at least being honest. I guess they will draw their own conclusions from just you being you.

- Susan



MistressCal -> RE: How do you know someone is trustworthy enough to put your life in their hands? (2/21/2007 12:32:42 AM)

It largely depends on how well you judge someone's character. Most people nowdays are two faced, act one way one minute than the next a completely different way. There is a feeling you can count on to help you out in that type of situation, when you feel uneasy or disturbed by a person that usually means there is soemthign about them that is turning you off.



juliaoceania -> RE: When is someone is trustworthy enough to put your life in their hands? (2/21/2007 12:36:56 AM)

quote:

Another question on the "Ask A  Master" section tonight got me thinking of exactly how most submissives determine trustworthiness in a prospective Dominant?

Time and intuition.. more intuition than time

quote:

Also how and what Dominants do to try to prove they are worth a prospective submissive or slave putting their lives into their hands?  



I cannot answer for my Daddy, but what he did tell me was that he respected all of my limits, made sure I have always felt safe.

quote:

it got me thinking that - aside from paying attention to things like this, and trusting one's own intuition as far as the "vibes" one may get about the character of a Dominant, what else is there, really, to go on?



There is really nothing else we have to go on... is there?

I think it comes down to this, we cannot know whether or not we misplace trust until someone shows us we have. We take risks in life. I know what we do is risky, and abusive people mascarade as doms all the time. I suppose that I trust my gut, I do not know what else to say.

I know every situation that has happened within our dynamic has only grown trust, but it would only take one incident like the one on the thread that spawned this one to shatter my trust irrevocably. It would take more than an accident, or a little lack of focus, or not thinking something through to shatter my trust... it would take an intentional abuse of power to do that. At this point I cannot imagine that from my Daddy. I cannot even conceive of him doing anything that could result in my harm knowing that he was doing so, in other words, I cannot imagine him allowing his emotions to gain control over him to the extent that he would willfully put me in harm's way

You know, WIITWD can open the doors to hell if one chooses wrongly... it can also open the doors to enlightenment... but we do not know what is behind the door for an absolute fact until we open it.

I have read many dominant types that talk about ruling their submissives with a little fear.. at least just a little. I cannot submit in fear... it just would not happen for me. It has to be inspired by adoration and trust... screw fear, fear is a dark and ugly motivator for submission to another person. That is the way I feel about it.. and I guess that is what makes me literally put my life in my Daddy's hands... I am not afraid, I have no fear of him.. none. And I guess that is my answer to your question.



Driver1961 -> RE: How do you know someone is trustworthy enough to put your life in their hands? (2/21/2007 12:39:54 AM)

He dips to Susan;

There is procrastination vs planning in my view.  One can think/plan and do or think/plan and never do.  We all fall into these two categories either consistantly or switch for good explainable reason between them at times. It is the 'gunna do' or the 'gitaroundtuit' that forms their bondage party of one.   These people become evident over time or quickly evident in their home surroundings.  Plan/Act/Evaluate/Plan Act Evaluate/Plan/Act/Evaluate.

Go girl!  Take the plunge, meet in person, preferably a munch (If One considers themselves Precious then a Dom will be prepared to see His possible Precious under these circumstances.  Blows away all the crappola, then meet him in his 'homesurroundings' with a 'friend' that expects a safety phone call, ring your friend from His home or Mob phone- added safety.

Remember 'Life is not a dress rehearsal'- expired lively hoofer.

Go Girl.

Warm regards Driver,  Sir to His loving Wildchild. 



ownedgirlie -> RE: When is someone is trustworthy enough to put your life in their hands? (2/21/2007 1:04:06 AM)

I was fortunate in that my Master didn't have to do anything to prove himself to me, other than be himself.  The way he conducted his life spoke volumes; the way he conducted me said a lot, also.  He would not let me present myself to him for service until I could honestly say that I trusted him.

Plus, he made it clear to me that a "live slave" is much for useful to him than a dead one.  "What would I do with a dead slave?" he would ask.  Or, "You are much more useful to me alive."  Or, "I didn't invest all this time and effort into you just to end up killing you and having to start all over again with someone else."  I mean after awhile, it kinda made sense, ya know?



ravenairsprite -> RE: When is someone is trustworthy enough to put your life in their hands? (2/21/2007 5:30:29 AM)

For me trust is a big issue. I have problems trusting people. However in few and far between circumstances I've been able to give trust to the one or ones I serve.

In my case gut instinct has a BIG part to play with it. I have a strong intuition and typically know when to trust and when not to. Experience also dictates whom I trust. If they show they cannot respect hard limits or stop when a safe word is said obviously they are not to be trusted. Finally time. You need time to determine that this is a person you can trust. Time reveals most things.



DiurnalVampire -> RE: When is someone is trustworthy enough to put your life in their hands? (2/21/2007 5:36:50 AM)

I dont know what exactly was necessary for him to trust me, but Angel was willing to put his life in my hands hours after meeting face to face. There was never any hesitation to alow me to do as I pleased the first time we were alone and decided to play. Sometimes, there is a gut feeling that you know someone is the right one. I dont think I did anything to earn it, and I was quite frankly surprised that he was so trusting so quickly, but with the relationship we have now, I cuoldnt imagine it any other way.

DV



makemeDaddy -> RE: When is someone is trustworthy enough to put your life in their hands? (2/21/2007 5:37:36 AM)

i am exactly the same way raven - however when i met my Daddy, i knew with in 1 hour that not only was this a person i could trust but my gut told me that He was one one for me and that we would be together.  It has been 3 months now and we are together and doing very well.  i have always trusted my gut and i always will.


quote:

ORIGINAL: ravenairsprite

For me trust is a big issue. I have problems trusting people. However in few and far between circumstances I've been able to give trust to the one or ones I serve.

In my case gut instinct has a BIG part to play with it. I have a strong intuition and typically know when to trust and when not to. Experience also dictates whom I trust. If they show they cannot respect hard limits or stop when a safe word is said obviously they are not to be trusted. Finally time. You need time to determine that this is a person you can trust. Time reveals most things.



spanklette -> RE: When is someone is trustworthy enough to put your life in their hands? (2/21/2007 5:41:45 AM)

Have you ever gotten into a car with someone you barely know? I consider that putting my life in their hands...it's all in your perspective. We turn things into WIITWD topics, but these are the same risks and rewards that we run into on a day to day basis.
 
For me...it's about stability and the way that a person articulates themself with words and deeds. Trust does find it's way in time, but time doesn't mean that a person is trustworthy. I've known my brother all of my life and I still won't let him drive. Good intentions do not always equal fair acts. That's the bottom line.
 
There is no way to know for sure. There is no set of rules or guidelines. People are people and mistakes are mistakes...so are liars and abusers. Life lessons and experience should teach people all that they need to know.
 
Advice is great, but it's much easier to give than to follow.



catize -> RE: When is someone is trustworthy enough to put your life in their hands? (2/21/2007 5:57:18 AM)

As others have pointed out, it is important to take time, to listen to your gut,  to observe if this person is consistent in word and deed.  But, even in the best of circumstances, submission is a leap of faith. 
In my past experience, I met a dominant in my area.  We met and talked several times, discussed and agreed upon limits, established a safe word, and we embarked on a D/s relationship.
We would get together several times a week; each time we learned a little more about each other.   Around the 4th week of our relationship, he used bondage.  I was immobilized.  He asked, “What can I do to you?” and the answer was; “Anything you wish, Sir.”  He grabbed my hair, put his face close to mine, and in a voice I didn’t recognize, reminded me that he could do anything as I was helpless, he could hurt me if he wanted, he could ignore my limits if he wanted.
 
I was, as I told him later, scared dry!  My mind was a jumble of terrified thoughts; had I really misjudged him, would he harm me? 
 
Then he asked, in that same voice, how I thought I could get out of the situation.  My voice quavered and my answer was really a question; “I could use my safe word?”  He patted my cheek, said ‘good girl’ in a normal voice and we proceeded from there.
 
When we discussed it later, he said that his objective was to make me understand exactly how much I needed to trust him.  It was a good lesson for me on the realities of dependence and confidence in a D/s relationship..



Mercnbeth -> RE: When is someone is trustworthy enough to put your life in their hands? (2/21/2007 6:10:16 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: SusanofO
...major indicators someone is going to be dangerous?...


when folks are in the process of being considered a "danger to themself or others", what sort of criteria is in place?  what is examined by officers of the law or court?
  • immediate circumstances of health, residence, family ties, employment
  • current and past relationships, if any
  • career or employment information
  • education level
  • drug use or health issues, if any
  • etc.

 
many people pass through this rigorous screening process with flying colors and STILL go on to be a danger to themselves and others.
 
unless you can see the future, there is no absolute.  the way this slave sees it, you do your due diligence, whatever that means to you, background checks, relying on intuition, obtaining references, letting "enough" time pass, whatever and when you get to a place where you can surrender, you do.  some can get there rather quickly, for others it takes longer...some never get there.
 
no matter what you tell the wee ones to keep them out of harm's way in a relationship once they leave the family fold, they still have to have enough trust in themselves to choose wisely who they will become involved with...and still, mistakes are made.
 
this slave had sworn off relationships by age 33, convinced no one would ever earn her trust again--only to be proven wrong,in time, by Master!!!  some of the things we do might be dangerous, but Master is not.  How did He prove His trustworthiness to this slave?  this slave observed what He said being exactly what was...He was more concerned with this slave's safety than she was...He took care of His responsibilities, to His own personal detriment, if need be...Nothing was so disasterous it eliminated His sense of humor...and, like the moment one KNOWS this-is-not-just-another-one-of-those-damn-Braxton/Hicks-this-is-IT!!!!, surrender IS the only option.



SusanofO -> RE: When is someone is trustworthy enough to put your life in their hands? (2/21/2007 6:14:10 AM)

What a great practical answer, Mercnbeth. Thank you.

- Susan



sambamanslilgirl -> RE: When is someone is trustworthy enough to put your life in their hands? (2/21/2007 6:40:48 AM)

i have major trust issues that it's slow process for me to trust anyone including Daddy even when we first met. i guess Daddy could sense my hesitation with certain things (especially while planning goals for my life) however He didn't force me to do or agree to anything that i didn't want to do.  He waited patiently until i build that comfort level of trust with Him into the relationship we have now.  that being said - my level of trust with Daddy goes beyond the realm of our D/s relationship.  it's also part of our vanilla life too. since Daddy is a doctor, i have entrusted my medical care and decisions (if i'm unable to) to Him.



SimplyMichael -> RE: When is someone is trustworthy enough to put your life in their hands? (2/21/2007 6:44:18 AM)

Listen far less to pretty words and watch closely for how they treat others.



lighthearted -> RE: When is someone is trustworthy enough to put your life in their hands? (2/21/2007 6:52:24 AM)

Susan, I think you've gotten some good advice so far.  I'd just like to add, when I met Master, my D/s experience was next to nothing.  knowing this, he said, and still continues to say, that we will try things when I'm ready.  he has lived up to that statement and still continues to do so. 

while the trust my heart has in him was nearly immediate, the trust my head has in him has been earned by his actions. 



SusanofO -> RE: When is someone is trustworthy enough to put your life in their hands? (2/21/2007 7:07:13 AM)

Thanks for the replies, folks.

- Susan



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