RE: Mr. Nice Guy is not Mr. Dom?

RE: Mr. Nice Guy is not Mr. Dom? (Full Version)

All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> Ask a Master

Message

CassandraAlexis -> RE: Mr. Nice Guy is not Mr. Dom? (2/25/2007 9:47:32 AM)
It's just preference. Personally, I like the nice guys and those who can be gentleman as well and I can take them out in public to events and not have to worry about them saying or doing something to embarass me or that is inappropriate to the event. However, they have that hidden side in private, but it never goes far enough that I have to worry if my safety and best interests are in danger. However, what you are saying, I have heard several times before from my dominant male friends. At least two of them have been dumped for not being "Dom enough" or "enough of a Jerk". For some girls that is what they want. I admit I went through my "bad boys" phase. I guess the nice guy component is just another one of those things that have to be figured out in that getting to know you stage. Cassie

JLION -> RE: Mr. Nice Guy is not Mr. Dom? (2/25/2007 12:36:33 PM)
All of you raise very good points, and I pretty much agree with what you all are saying. I honestly do not plan on changing many things though. For example, starting my profile with "I apologize" might subconsciously make some women turn away because a real dom has no regrets for anything he does. "My way or the highway". I am not saying that this is true, but maybe some women want that. I don't want a woman who wants that. That is just my writing style and the way I communicate! If that turns away some women, then I consider that first line to be a successful screening process.I think that has nothing to do with assertiveness. I think people who get short-changed at the supermarket willingly are the ones who should take a course. I guess some might say I am being assertive in this post and the previous one. But then again others would say I am insecure with myself for responding at all. It's hard to please everyone [:)] As far as my long profile coming off needy.. maybe it does! I 100% know why some might say that. I do understand that it's easy to "pick up" people by conveying disinterest. I know about "hard to get". I know about "jerks" getting the girl. I think this is true very often. I was a bartender for two years, and I noticed what kind of guys take home the beautiful woman. When I was much younger I experimented with altering my personality to attract as many different females as possible. Many young people try this, as well as many adults. At my bar I noticed that the guy who acts like they're "getting it all the time" and refuse to buy girls a drink very often have the most "success" with women. Those types of guys would never write a 2 page profile on a dating site. Well those guys have a wide range of standards. They're looking for one night stands, or just snagging someone that they find to be incredibly attractive. Or who knows, maybe they'll find the all around woman of their dreams. But they have to go through many "duds" before they find a winner. They're playing a numbers game and I believe it works for them. I am very selective.. and I believe that my profile will help my selection process. Some people use online dating as a "numbers game". As if they are a marketer. That is probably a great approach for some people also. My "return of investment" per se shows a smaller "return" than those who play the numbers game. I apologize for this analogy that might offend some people. But overall I think that my approach in finding a great submissive is a good one for me. But only time will tell. Writing a long and descriptive profile is something I will not change. I really like to write as you can see from my posts. I write hours a day for other matters related to work, leisure, and humanitarian causes I believe in. Most importantly, I want to meet someone who enjoys specifically the things I do. By my description in my profile that appears "needy" I might turn away the women who have a major affinity towards pony play, when this is something that does not interest me at all. I do not want them to try to "adjust" to what I like, and me having to adjust to what they like. Some of you say that my profile is all about "physical domination" and that mental domination is unchallenging. I disagree with that statement for several reasons but I won't get into why. But assuming you are right, keep in mind that I am 26 years old and I am brand new to the "scene". These first 7 posts that I made is my first experience corresponding with doms and submissives. You people with experience are my first "teachers" in many ways (also my first impression of what people in the scene are like). So far it has been enlightening in many ways. My relationships have all been vanilla in the past. So I have absolutely zero experience on "mentally" dominating people in a BDSM setting. If anything, I have experience doing the opposite of dominating people, as I am an activist that primarily is interested in feeding hungry people in the world and giving them medicine. I say this not to offend anyone and again I APOLOGIZE because that sounds kind of condescending. I am definitely not a "my way or the highway" type of person. I like to have very logical discourse, and I have no problem admitting that I am wrong. I am wrong very often. Some of you might have an impression that I am some little whiny insecure "goober" that goes around kissing people's behinds demanding their approval. You can even argue that I am doing that by responding to these posts. Again, I enjoy writing, and I love intelligent discussion. I enjoy good debate whether it's about political issues, whether or not the Dallas Mavericks will win the NBA championship this year, or even topics as silly as who would win in a fight, 6 full sized Samurai adults with swords, or a gorilla. One of you said that they believe that with the way I am right now, I will not find someone who is compatible with me. Maybe that's true and if so, then that's how it goes. I agree that there is always room for self-improvement. I believe everyone can self-improve in a way. Those who pretend that they are a flawless specimen of a human being mentally and emotionally are probably the most insecure in my opinion. Although I do agree that there are some people who are great beings. I believe wanting to self-improve is a sign of security, but most people say that the fact that the person is trying to improve is a sign of insecurity.. it's kind of a paradox. My personality is not going to change too much for the rest of my life. Each year as I get older I am a little bit more different and knowledgable. But there is still a core person of who I truly am. If this does not work for attracting submissive women, then maybe my genes will be unapologetically removed from society :) Or maybe I will have to "settle" for someone if I want to avoid this. I'll cross that bridge if I have to. I find it fascinating how the viewers have dissected just about every action I've taken on this website. It is kind of flattering in a way [:)] They first study my profile as if they're a Harvard English PHD student. Then they analyze my posts to get a read on me based on my styles of communication. Lots of Psychology and English buffs on here I can see. I understand why I triggered this attention though. Because I asked such a controversial question (the first post) about nice doms versus mean doms. And then we all learned that I had sarcastic jokes in my profile that do not reach all audiences. Honestly, I have no hard feelings at all. I just want it to be said that I appreciate the response, and I am still learning a lot from all of you even though. I am also seeing that there is a great diversity of opinions, and that is a good thing. I do believe I am unbiased when I openly disagree with most of what is being said but to each his own.

TrueCalling -> RE: Mr. Nice Guy is not Mr. Dom? (2/25/2007 1:04:55 PM)
What still amazes me is this bullshit 'argument. A trait is a trait, no matter who or what a person claims to be. It is not the whole person. Those who equate dominant nature with being mean, as well as those who equate being nice with not being dominant, really had better reconsider what they're doing/thinking.. colleen

TemptingNviceSub -> RE: Mr. Nice Guy is not Mr. Dom? (2/25/2007 3:06:32 PM)
To the OP..first off welcome to CollarMe..secondly..all you can be is yourself, funny, apologetic,sexual...just be you...Always remember everyone has their needs, desires and preferences, as I am sure you do as well...for every hand there is a glove...my best advice ....remain open minded...it may take you exactly where you want and need to be....Tempting

WhiplashSmile -> RE: Mr. Nice Guy is not Mr. Dom? (2/27/2007 9:24:42 PM)
First, I really enjoy this honest question. I have been in your shoes before, thinking such thoughts as you. For me I had to learn to embrace being both Mr. Nice and Mr. Ass... Both the Good and Bad inside of me. The balance of the ying/yang... instead of always showing or displaying on side of my personality non stop... I will display the other darker side to me as a human being as well! I think woman want to know somebody who's in touch with both sides of themself.. and can show a little Dr. Jeckle along with Mr. Hyde My theory, is that women are interested in getting to know the whole you! If you can't show the whole you, then red flags must be going off inside their head. I have found brutal honesty and behavior at times is better, than trying to worry about being Nice and Good all the time... They need to see the parts inside you, such as the Animal sides and whatnot...

akisha -> RE: Mr. Nice Guy is not Mr. Dom? (2/28/2007 9:12:33 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: defiantbadgirl I'm actually turned off by guys who appear dominant in the way you refer to it. I like the nice guys who care about others and want a combination of vanilla and bdsm. For me, Mr Nice Guy = ideal dom. I'm with defiant on this one. I'm way more interested in talking to a Dom that talkes to me like a person not a peice of meat. Once I'm owned he can talked to me that way if he wishes, but until then, I deserve to be spoken to with as much respect as the Dominant wishes to be spoken to.

MzMia -> RE: Mr. Nice Guy is not Mr. Dom? (6/16/2007 9:02:17 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: JLION I have heard this from a few females, but I just do not "come off" as a dominant. I'm very nice. I'm very honest. I'm a humanitarian and somewhat of an activist. I have a dry and silly sense of humor. I show confidence. I am completely honest, and I discuss my BDSM fantasies completely openly, but it does not appear to be congruent with my "vanilla lifestyle" and my nice, respectful, and humorous way of interacting with people. Is it important to "come off as a dominant" to attract submissive women in the BDSM lifestyle? Sometimes I just want to say "why don't you strip naked and let me tie you up and find out if I'm really dominant or not". To be a good dom to attract submissive women, is it required that I be at least 40 years old, have poor taste in fashion, never smile or laugh, have a deep smokers voice, and grow a thick mustache? [:D][;)] (I am sorry, as this last comment might offend about 90% of the members of collarme.com). Some might say that my "apology" comment in parentheses after the two smily faces is not a very dominant act as well. Your thoughts on the issue? How did I miss this thread? You forgot the tight black leather pants.[;)]

Trampler -> RE: Mr. Nice Guy is not Mr. Dom? (6/17/2007 6:48:27 AM)
To the OP: I think you would cute in a beard, (but as long as you keep it neat.) And just so you know, your picture makes you seem alittle submissive. Nice tan tho! A nice guy can be very Dominant!

MHOO314 -> RE: Mr. Nice Guy is not Mr. Dom? (6/17/2007 6:55:35 AM)
I have to agree with LaTigresse----just because you may be dominant does not mean you are everyone's dominant--however, be sure what you are---there are as many kinds of Dominants as there are people--and to many-- it isn't just about the bedroom and to others it is----

eyesopened -> RE: Mr. Nice Guy is not Mr. Dom? (6/17/2007 9:01:31 AM)
i am, well let's call it "ageless" and i have a job where i am a supervisor in a very competitive business. i do not come across as submissive in my business life and since i am not a docile mouse i have rarely been recognized as submissive even at munches etc. i have never once been approached by a Dominant at "lifestyle" functions. A lot of people have preconceived ideas of what a Dominant or a submissive or a slave is supposed to be and the truth is that no one can be everything to everyone. The key is to be everything to someone. Finding that someone is such a large task that is the reason why sites like this exist in the first place otherwise it would just be message boards. Be yourself. That's be best advice you've received and the best advice there is. Not too long ago i feel deeply in love with a Master who showed me He was a nice guy while still being fully in control. i gave up my friends, gave Him my passwords to all my computer accounts and trusted Him when He told me He loved me and that my collar was forever, He would never dispose of His property. In one day He got upset with me for crying over some nasty remarks He made about how i had raised my children. He released me in an instant, called me a player and showed scorn and disapproval even after i had moved on.... Not at all a "nice" guy and frankly, His behavior has not made Him attractive but very very ugly. Mr. Dom possesses the same character as Mr Nice Guy. Nice does not equal Weak. Tender does not equal Sucker. Love does not equal Stupid.

pAiNsUbLiMe -> RE: Mr. Nice Guy is not Mr. Dom? (6/17/2007 9:56:38 AM)
I actually don't like any aspect of the dom you described, especially the bad taste bit! I like younger and Mr Nice guys, all seems more exciting that way...

slaverosebeauty -> RE: Mr. Nice Guy is not Mr. Dom? (6/17/2007 10:17:18 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: JLION Is it important to "come off as a dominant" to attract submissive women in the BDSM lifestyle? First off, welcome to the nut house. [:D] MJ came off as an ahole when we first started talking years ago; yes, He came off as dominant, a dominant ahole; and now, He is a Genleman, a Nice Guy and STILL very Dominant. He can stop me in my tracks or thoughts with just calling on popping up on IM. Some submissive types do expect that the dominat person come off as dominat right out of the gate, personally, I laugh. Treat me like an equal [which we are] until the rules change. Being dominat does NOT mean being an a*hole or an egomanic. You CAN be Nice AND be Dominant. That comes in time as to how. quote:* To be a good dom to attract submissive women, is it required that I be at least 40 years old, have poor taste in fashion, never smile or laugh, have a deep smokers voice, and grow a thick mustache? Nope. In my book {goes back through the pages} 38 or older {Mj is 40, but we first started talking when he was 36 or 37}, handsome, decent taste in fashion - when and where to wear something, must have a sence of humour, intoxicating voice, goatee is optional, clean shaven works well. quote: Your thoughts on the issue? I don't remember when being a nice guy was NOT dominant. MJ is Mr. Master and Mr. Nice Guy among other things, lol. In the vanilla world He is very dominant, I can see it when we are together, its part of His personality, when I am with Him, He is a pure gentleman and He makes me melt. He is very respectfull, I have seen Him hold open doors for others, He is a great guy. He also has experience, which I value and that others do as well.

FLMaster1958 -> RE: Mr. Nice Guy is not Mr. Dom? (6/17/2007 2:37:52 PM)
A slave (or sub) is there for your pleasure. She needs to accept you exactly as you are. No more, and no less. If you are inhibited, relax. Many subs want exactly what you are. Look for those who want a loving and caring Dom. As for slaves, somewhat the same applies. She is there for you, not you for her. She must accept who you are. This really is the "chemistry" that I have heard of so much. Do not try to change. I feel the real subs are fewer then there appear to be.. and the slave much much rarer. Keep looking and you wil lfind what you are looking for.. and accept nothing less.

ADom442 -> RE: Mr. Nice Guy is not Mr. Dom? (6/20/2007 5:49:21 PM)
I looked up the word "nice" (as in "a nice guy") on an etymology web site. What I found was interesting: "Nice - c.1290, "foolish, stupid, senseless," from O.Fr. nice "silly, foolish," from L. nescius "ignorant," lit. "not-knowing," from ne- "not" + stem of scire "to know." from "timid" (pre-1300); to "fussy, fastidious" (c.1380); to "dainty, delicate" (c.1405); to "precise, careful" (1500s, preserved in such terms as a nice distinction and nice and early); to "agreeable, delightful" (1769); to "kind, thoughtful" This aroused my curiosity, so I looked up "good," as in "a good man." Here's some of what I found: Good - from P.Gmc. gothaz (cf. O.N. goðr,* Du. goed, Ger. gut, Goth. goþs), originally "fit, adequate, belonging together," from PIE base ghedh- "to unite, be associated, suitable" (cf. O.C.S. godu* "pleasing time," Rus. godnyi "fit, suitable," O.E. gædrian "to gather, to take up together"). I think the roots of the words go a long way towards explaining the connotations these words have. Someone who's "nice" used to mean someone who was so foolish and ignorant that they would not be capable of stopping you from being able to get your way. They bore the burden of a submissiveness born of incompetence. Good? Fitting in; not rocking the boat. Someone who was "good" would not stop you from getting your way either because they would stifle their criticism of you for the sake of fitting in. What these words denote has changed over the years, and I think much of the reason for this is to encourage behaviors that allow some to get their way. "Come on, don't make a scene or start an argument; be nice; be good. Do as you're told." I don't think the only alternative to being "good" or "nice" is being an a$$hole, however. Another alternative is to be fair (sense of "free from bias" (c.1340) evolved from another early meaning, "morally pure, unblemished"), have integrity ("soundness, wholeness," from integer "whole" Sense of "uncorrupted virtue" is from 1548.), and want your submissive partner to live a satisfying life. (Satisfy - "do enough," [to be truly who they are.] )

BeingChewsie -> RE: Mr. Nice Guy is not Mr. Dom? (6/20/2007 6:01:26 PM)
I don't know if anyone else has mentioned this as I have not read all the posts but the whole "shades and underoos" look isn't helping your cause...at all. Just thought I'd mentioned it

TEMPERANCE -> RE: Mr. Nice Guy is not Mr. Dom? (6/23/2007 2:58:56 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: JLION To be a good dom to attract submissive women, is it required that I be at least 40 years old, have poor taste in fashion, never smile or laugh, have a deep smokers voice, and grow a thick mustache? You forgot to mention leather waistcoat..... Getting back to your OP i think its actually important that you can get on with the dom on a personal level..... i think if he is capable of being caring and kind then you kinda know that he will be able to look after you when it is needed the most. Some guys can be too nice though, where you just get the sense that maybe their not as dominant as they would like to think they are, yanno the sort, the ones that are more keen to please you than you are them. There is an eliment of males that go into dominantion as they think its a quick easy way to get a leg over.... they have no clue what domination is about. I think its important that you carry on being you, kind caring and humanistic.. but you maybe need to assert you dominance from early on... and you dont have to do this by being blatantly obvious... "kneel bitch".... look at what the submissive is saying if you see things that are maybe a little out of line... pull them up on it..... set your boundries early on and stick to them..... i once spoke to a guy who was very nice..... excellent to talk to ... very open and honest..... but he knew how to come across as being dominant.... you could feel it in what he was writting.... made me melt droooooools

instynctive -> RE: Mr. Nice Guy is not Mr. Dom? (6/23/2007 6:17:39 AM)
Jlion, I am in the same boat you are. Having had the opportunity to absorb the knowledge of not just an incredible Domme, but an exciting and engaging woman, I've found Myself exploring a new path in D/s relationships; having not known better once being trained by a cruel and merciless bitch, I thought that is how it was done... The old adage of attracting more flies with honey than vinegar holds true, even in the BDSM community. Personally, I'm not here just for sex or to invite some illiterate moron over to My house so I can start adding nothces to My bedpost. I do not use my "station" or the BDSM lifestyle as a method to score 18 year olds with self-esteem issues, or worse yet, ones that are into BDSM because it's "trendy" and "goth". It doesn't take much to get the blood flowing to my phallus... but it does take quite a bit to get the blood flowing to my brain. In the words of Robin Williams: "God gave man a brain and a penis and only enough blood to use one at a time." THat may be true, but if the emotional and intellectual arousal isn't there then I would suggest you move along and find yourself a "dom" who is 40 years old, have poor taste in fashion, never smile or laugh, have a deep smokers voice, a thick mustache.. ;-) Lashra has it absolutely right: "be yourself". My two cents. :-)

MzMia -> RE: Mr. Nice Guy is not Mr. Dom? (6/24/2007 8:48:06 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: TEMPERANCE quote: ORIGINAL: JLION To be a good dom to attract submissive women, is it required that I be at least 40 years old, have poor taste in fashion, never smile or laugh, have a deep smokers voice, and grow a thick mustache? You forgot to mention leather waistcoat..... Getting back to your OP i think its actually important that you can get on with the dom on a personal level..... i think if he is capable of being caring and kind then you kinda know that he will be able to look after you when it is needed the most. Some guys can be too nice though, where you just get the sense that maybe their not as dominant as they would like to think they are, yanno the sort, the ones that are more keen to please you than you are them. There is an eliment of males that go into dominantion as they think its a quick easy way to get a leg over.... they have no clue what domination is about. I think its important that you carry on being you, kind caring and humanistic.. but you maybe need to assert you dominance from early on... and you dont have to do this by being blatantly obvious... "kneel bitch".... look at what the submissive is saying if you see things that are maybe a little out of line... pull them up on it..... set your boundries early on and stick to them..... i once spoke to a guy who was very nice..... excellent to talk to ... very open and honest..... but he knew how to come across as being dominant.... you could feel it in what he was writting.... made me melt droooooools Great post Temperance, many of the Dominant men here "shine". Mr. Nice Guy can surely be Mr. Dominant. But a little spice is nice too! Actually "kneel bitch" sounds hot to me.[:D]

becca333 -> RE: Mr. Nice Guy is not Mr. Dom? (6/25/2007 3:10:39 AM)
I like the 'lazy lion' kind of Dom - a guy who's sweet and nice and funny and caring, Then he'll suddenly give The Look, or just whisper a few words in The Voice, and I melt, and quiver for the rest of the day till we get home and he does whatever he threatened me with. You're not doing anything wrong. NOBODY gets a 100% score, just find the ones who suit you. They'll be very lucky women.

Matadorr -> RE: Mr. Nice Guy is not Mr. Dom? (2/4/2008 6:58:49 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: sweetnsensual It's the confidence of knowing who he is, (fucking underline that shit) what he can do and the power he can wield (the power he weilds as a person, not just in the bedroom) I think nice is definitely a good thing. IF you hav that self beleif and personal power, really the point here is moot. I am on many oocassions, completley a gentleman and engage in 'submissive acts'. But what really matters is not the act itself EVER, its the place that the act is coming from...the man himself marks every act, the self is always shining through, if ur coming from the right place u can easily be a gentleman and dominant also. To the OP, who claims hes too funny and not serious/badboy enough or w.e. U need to stop thinking about image, other peoples standards and anaylsing urself (which you appear to do alot).Think more about faith, and conviction. Faith in urself, conviction in everything you do, faith that the self will shine through, and that you dont need to ever impress anyone. Im about as clownish, upbeat and non-leather wearing as you can get...and its no big deal, as long as the CORE of you is strong and that shines through in ur interactions.

Page: << < prev 1 2 [3] 4 5 next > >>

Collarchat.com © 2025

Terms of Service

0.0625