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burningdesires47 -> RE: Mr. Nice Guy is not Mr. Dom? (2/4/2008 9:11:30 PM)
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quote:
ORIGINAL: JLION
I have heard this from a few females, but I just do not "come off" as a dominant. I'm very nice. I'm very honest. I'm a humanitarian and somewhat of an activist. I have a dry and silly sense of humor. I show confidence. I am completely honest, and I discuss my BDSM fantasies completely openly, but it does not appear to be congruent with my "vanilla lifestyle" and my nice, respectful, and humorous way of interacting with people. Is it important to "come off as a dominant" to attract submissive women in the BDSM lifestyle? Sometimes I just want to say "why don't you strip naked and let me tie you up and find out if I'm really dominant or not".
I'll be honest with you, I turned down a guy because he didn't come off as dominant to me. More accurately, I COULD NOT feel submissive to him. I tried, I really did, but he lacked the confidence to make it work.
You can be a nice guy and a gentleman and still be a Dom. In fact, I insist on it. One of my favorite first dates is going to dinner, for a number of reasons, but because I also like to see how much he tips. For good service, if he tips less than 15%, he's lost points already (but usually by that point I've also already decided if he gets a second date, so that is rarely the deciding factor).
You say you show confidence. The simple fact that you felt the need to question your own dominance, and do so publicly on this post shows me that perhaps you THINK you feel more confident than you APPEAR.
I shot a guy down because in 30 days of chatting online, he asked me NO LESS than seven times (and it probably took another two for me to notice) if I was OK with the fact that he is balding. He has a picture on his profile--trust me, I saw that he was balding before I ever answered his first message. But he simply couldn't lay off it, and was SOOOOO insecure about his balding head that he couldn't get past it. That insecurity was obvious, and that's just one example.
So, pop quiz: you're mid-scene, how do you check in with your sub (no safeword has been said, no indication of a problem, you're just checking in)?
* Ask her "Are you OK?"
* Ask her "how are you doing?"
* Ask her "Is what I'm doing/how I'm doing this ok for you?"
* Tell her to rate her pain/pleasure/whatever you may have pre-negotiated rating means
* have some other symbol such as #putting your hand over he mouth, and if things are going OK she will kiss it. If she doesn't, you ask are you going to kiss my hand? and then handle the situation depending on her answer.
#Courtesy of GrayDancer
If you picked the third one, I doubt we ever would have made it to a scene, but if we did for whatever reason and that was your check-in, I'd be out of that scene SOO incredibly fast. More than likely the same for the first one. "How are you doing" might bother me, but it wouldn't be a red flag for lack of confidence.
I'm sure I had something else to say but I forgot what it was. And there's a thunderstorm here and we keep getting power surges so I'm shutting off my cpmputer now.
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