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What would you do if... - 2/23/2007 7:07:45 PM   
scottjk


Posts: 335
Joined: 4/18/2005
Status: offline 		I was thinking about the idea of creating questions that reveal how people think, and how we use that method in choosing mates. I don't think I've really seen anyone discuss it here, so I thought I'd throw one out that kind of tells me about a person's thinking and how it fits in my philosophy regarding relationships.

The answer to the question would vary a great deal based on gender, but it might be the same across basic roles: top or bottom.

I'll try to keep the question gender and role neutral, but it would be interesting to see what the answers are based on gender and role. Here's the question:

Your partner comes home having had a miserable day, and is quite frustrated and/or angry. What would be  your response or what would you do?

< Message edited by scottjk -- 2/23/2007 7:08:34 PM >
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RE: What would you do if... - 2/23/2007 7:09:10 PM   
LotusSong


Posts: 6334
Joined: 7/2/2006
From: Domme Emeritus
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quote:


Your partner comes home having had a miserable day, and is quite frustrated and/or angry. What would be  your response or what would you do?


First I let him put down his briefcase.. I make eye contact and if he looks like he could use a hug, I give him one.  I don't start talking about"his day" or mine. 
 
I make sure he has something to snack on while  he's de-compressing.  After a bit more time passes, I'll ask if there is anything else I can get for him.  I give it about half an hour and acknowledge his day without prying questions with "Looks like another day at the office".. then give him a sympathetic smile. 
 
I know.. I know.. it sounds pretty "subbish" ... but it's probably why I've been married 33 years.  I've learned when to speak and when not to.

< Message edited by LotusSong -- 2/23/2007 7:19:05 PM >

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RE: What would you do if... - 2/23/2007 7:16:07 PM   
SusanofO


Posts: 5672
Joined: 12/19/2005
Status: offline 		Give them SPACE and fix them a soft drink, or coffee or and-or snack, and then I would be hoping they'd just try to relax. Maybe they'd want a nap, or just to read a newspaper or something.
I'd be nice, but just try to leave them alone (unless they wanted me to do something else, I guess).

Of course if they were angry enough to be abusive, that's a whole other ball of wax - but if they were really bummed out by something that happened at work or something, I'd just listen and try to be sympathetic. If they wanted to talk about it, even.

- Susan

< Message edited by SusanofO -- 2/23/2007 7:17:59 PM >

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That perches in the soul,
And sings the tune without the words,
And never stops at all". - Emily Dickinson

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RE: What would you do if... - 2/23/2007 7:18:22 PM   
hisannabelle


Posts: 1992
Joined: 12/3/2006
From: Tallahassee, FL, USA
Status: offline 		stay out of the way. make it clear that i'm there if He needs anything, but mostly just be quiet and listen if He chooses to rant, or otherwise just read a book until He decompresses. this is a pretty common scenario for us as His job is incredibly stressful (my life is very stressful, too, but His in different ways, and He snaps very easily when He's frustrated or stressed). 

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RE: What would you do if... - 2/23/2007 7:20:15 PM   
azzmaster


Posts: 864
Joined: 2/15/2007
Status: offline 		i would take her to a nice sea food dinner, give her a bath and massage and listen to her complain till she fell asleep in my arms

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RE: What would you do if... - 2/23/2007 7:24:59 PM   
ChainedExistence


Posts: 507
Joined: 2/5/2005
Status: offline 		I think it depends on your partner..some people like time alone to brood and settle themselves. They want you to keep your distance while they settle things out in their own mind. Other people like to be very social when they have had a bad day. They find that talking things over with someone who doesn't try to solve all their problems and simply listens is just the right response. Some people like to exercise or engage in a hobby to get their mind off the problems at hand, and  others may want you to problem solve with or for them. The best response is to know your partner and what type of personality they have, then you can give the most appropriate response.

I'm the chatty type, Master is more of the quiet time alone type...helps a lot to know this.

< Message edited by ChainedExistence -- 2/23/2007 7:26:54 PM >

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RE: What would you do if... - 2/23/2007 7:25:35 PM   
subfever


Posts: 2895
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Status: offline 		"Hi Honey... do you feel like going out for a drink tonight, or should we just stay in and kick back?"

Go with the flow.

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RE: What would you do if... - 2/23/2007 7:29:25 PM   
kyraofMists


Posts: 3292
Joined: 7/29/2005
Status: offline 		It depends on what he wants from me in that moment.  If he wants to vent, then I will listen.  If he wants to be left alone, then I will give him his space.  If he wants to have sex or play to release stress then that is what we do.  If he wants to cuddle and focus on something else... 

It all depends on what he wants from me and it can be any number of things and quite possibly one right after the other.  My challenge is to give him what he wants when he wants it and not when I want to give it.

Knight's kyra

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"Passion... it lies in all of us. Sleeping, waiting, and though unbidden, it will stir, open its jaws, and howl. It speaks to us, guides us... passion rules us all. And we obey..." ~Angelus

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RE: What would you do if... - 2/23/2007 8:17:22 PM   
LuckyAlbatross


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quote:

ORIGINAL: scottjk
Your partner comes home having had a miserable day, and is quite frustrated and/or angry. What would be  your response or what would you do?

Gee that's exactly what happened tonight.

I greeted him at the door, let him put his stuff down and breath, kissed him, invited him to my bed where we laid and snuggled together and decompressed.  Then we decided what we felt up to and went into downtown Austin to celebrate a friends birthday over dinner, went to a fun bar and hung out for awhile where I encouraged him to get a chocolate martini which helped relax him, treat himself and he said was the best he's ever had.  Then we drove home and separately checking email.

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RE: What would you do if... - 2/23/2007 8:20:14 PM   
proudsub


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From: Washington
Status: offline
quote:

Your partner comes home having had a miserable day, and is quite frustrated and/or angry. What would be  your response or what would you do?


I'd give Him the remote and a snack then leave Him alone for a bit.

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proudsub

"Without goals you become what you were. With goals you become what you wish." .

"You are entitled to your own opinions but not your own facts"--Alan Greenspan


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RE: What would you do if... - 2/23/2007 8:24:33 PM   
YourhandMyAss


Posts: 5516
Joined: 6/25/2006
From: Sacramento
Status: offline 		It depends on what he wants, he usualy wants to let me know things are not great but he doesn't wish to talk about it, And then we talk about other things, and maybe, then if he wishes to,, he will tell me why things are not going to great I am sympathetic and then he feels better.

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RE: What would you do if... - 2/23/2007 8:27:33 PM   
michaels4evr


Posts: 184
Joined: 8/8/2006
Status: offline 		ask Him if He'd like to take out his frustrations on my arse

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RE: What would you do if... - 2/23/2007 8:36:45 PM   
mstrjx


Posts: 2045
Joined: 11/27/2005
Status: offline 		Here.  Let me bollocks the whole thing up.

Nobody yet has mentioned 'how' they knew that their partner had had a bad day.  It was just assumed, and assumed that the partner didn't want to share.

If some of you read my rants close enough, you know I'm not a big people-person, but I do know how they think.  I could go for days without speaking, happily.  What I 'am', however, is a relationship person.  And a problem-solver.

I would confront my partner.  Get her to communicate.  Draw out the issues, and determine where her head needs to be concerning addressing and/or resolving the issues.  I don't like for people to hold too much in for any length of time.

Put the shoe on the other foot.  Let's say I'm the one with the bad day.  I'm a pretty big thinker, so by the time I came home I would have already mostly wrapped my head around it.  But I would take the opportunity to share with my partner not so much to expect her to resolve the issue (because I'm the problem solver) but at least to let me 'hear' myself to see if there is anything I missed myself.  If she can lend some additional insight, all the better.

Jeff

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RE: What would you do if... - 2/23/2007 8:44:30 PM   
BabyNyla


Posts: 578
Joined: 9/15/2006
Status: offline
I talk to Daddy all day throughout the day and he will always call or message me on his way home ... so when I know he's had a bad day or is in a bad mood I start cooking his favorite meal that way it's started by the time he gets home.  I throw on some *slut* lingerie and I kneel by the door waiting for him.  I don't speak or look at him until he makes the first move.  He usually asks me to get him a drink and a snack while he sits on the couch and plays with his laptop or watches some tv.  Then I stay in the kitchen tending to dinner while he cools off.  If he needs anything he asks and I get it.  When dinner's ready I bring it to him and sit by him just listening to him talk.  And sometimes he will chuck dinner aside and just put his head in my lap ... which I love ... or we'll hop in the shower together and just have fun :)


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RE: What would you do if... - 2/23/2007 8:45:23 PM   
juliaoceania


Posts: 21383
Joined: 4/19/2006
From: Somewhere Over the Rainbow
Status: offline
quote:

Your partner comes home having had a miserable day, and is quite frustrated and/or angry. What would be  your response or what would you do?


Genuinely sympathize with him about this, depending on how bad the day was I might try to cheer him up by joking it off.. paying attention to cues from him if this was appropriate. Sometimes I am able to help with whatever went wrong so we can fix it. That actually happened today, he had a bad day and I have been looking for ways to correct what happened that went wrong.

The most important thing I have found is to be supportive, kind, understanding, and in our case a great sense of humor helps 99% of things that go wrong. The trick is what if both of you have a really rotten day? One time we were both very ill (I had a fever from the flu, and he was dehydrated and exhausted from teaching self defense in a strange city) and we got incredibly grumpy with each other... that is very rare though.

_____________________________

Once you label me, you negate me ~ Soren Kierkegaard

Reality has a well known Liberal Bias ~ Stephen Colbert

Great minds discuss ideas; Average minds discuss events; Small minds discuss people. Eleanor Roosevelt

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RE: What would you do if... - 2/23/2007 8:48:02 PM   
LuckyAlbatross


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Joined: 10/25/2005
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quote:

ORIGINAL: mstrjx
Nobody yet has mentioned 'how' they knew that their partner had had a bad day.  It was just assumed, and assumed that the partner didn't want to share.

Oh sorry, I'll explain.

We knew he would likely have a tough day because next week is a big deal for his corporation and they are doing tons of prep work for that and we already knew he'd be working this weekend.

We'd talked on the phone a few times during the day to check in and he'd let me know he was increasingly frustrated and not sure if he could get home at a reasonable hour or be free tonight.

He finally arrived home at 7- far later than normal and I asked after he put his stuff down how he was feeling and he said "tired and frustrated."

So there you go.  I wouldn't make the assumption- always ask directly.

To add- that's also why I invited him to my bed.  I left it totally open for him to go where he needed to go on his own right then but communicated that I was willing and open to snuggle and pamper for a bit if he wanted.

< Message edited by LuckyAlbatross -- 2/23/2007 8:49:42 PM >

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

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RE: What would you do if... - 2/23/2007 8:50:47 PM   
juliaoceania


Posts: 21383
Joined: 4/19/2006
From: Somewhere Over the Rainbow
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quote:

Nobody yet has mentioned 'how' they knew that their partner had had a bad day.  It was just assumed, and assumed that the partner didn't want to share


Sometimes I can tell just by the sound of his voice and he is pretty open usually about talking it out. If he does not feel like it I try to leave it alone

_____________________________

Once you label me, you negate me ~ Soren Kierkegaard

Reality has a well known Liberal Bias ~ Stephen Colbert

Great minds discuss ideas; Average minds discuss events; Small minds discuss people. Eleanor Roosevelt

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RE: What would you do if... - 2/24/2007 8:18:28 AM   
mp072004


Posts: 381
Joined: 12/22/2005
Status: offline 		Agreed, mstrjx. I do not, in fact, have a responsibility to comfort my partner if he has not asked for it. If he hasn't even informed me that he's had a bad day, I'm not bound to guess, and I am certainly not obliged to fix it. If he informs me of a bad day, I'm obliged to express sympathy, "I'm sorry your day was difficult," but I certainly am not responsible for making him feel better.

Not only am I not responsible for making him feel better, I've observed that unsolicited petting and fawning over my partner seem to make him dwell on the worry or upset more. So when I've observed that he's had a bad day, I don't generally address it. I am a little more vigilant and encouraging about keeping up with the evening's routine, particularly reminding him to work out, which doesn't always improve his mood, but certainly improves his health. If he's engaging in bothersome behavior, like being impatient with the dog, I attack the specific behavior, not the root problem--in other words, I don't say, "You're yelling at the dog, did you have a bad day?" Rather, I say, "You're being unduly impatient with the dog, please don't do that."

When we do discuss his bad days, it's usually to the end of fixing a problem. He'll express what made his day bad, or an ongoing complaint about work, and I'll provide direct advice or Socratic-method advice (i.e. asking questions to get the other person to reflect and reach an intelligent conclusion). It doesn't seem effective to complain or hear complaints if it's not to the end of problem-solving.

We don't deal with my bad days much. This is likely because I return from work substantially earlier than he does, and by the time he's gotten home I've gotten over the little day-to-day irritations.

Monica

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RE: What would you do if... - 2/24/2007 8:21:53 AM   
Quivver


Posts: 1953
Joined: 11/27/2004
Status: offline 		Ask if there was anything he'd like me to do.  

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The problem with communication ... is the illusion that it has been accomplished. ~George Bernard Shaw

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RE: What would you do if... - 2/24/2007 8:23:39 AM   
KatyLied


Posts: 13029
Joined: 2/24/2005
From: Pennsylvania
Status: offline 		I would react in this order:
A little bit of sympathy, "I hate sucky days."  "Can I fix you a drink?"
Then I would give him wide berth while he relaxes and adjusts to home life.



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“If you want to live a happy life, tie it to a goal, not to people or things.”
- Albert Einstein

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