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Emotions and Irrational Fear as a Submissive - 2/24/2007 7:27:50 PM   
sensualmagirl


Posts: 1065
Joined: 7/4/2006
From: Boston, MA
Status: offline 		I've been debating about how to write this and if to write it at all. Maybe I'm looking for a sympathetic audience, maybe a bit of therapy... lol... I know how much you all love that... joking. I'm not sure, but, I thought the emotional side of being a submissive might be a good topic (I tried a search, but couldn't find a topic that addressed what I wanted to talk about). I appologize in advance if I don't make much sense -- I will try to further explain myself once/if I get responses.

Now, I should state, up front, that I've already talked to my master about this, he doesn't know about the post, but, my problem has already been solved for the most part between he and I.  

The other day, I went through a period of about 12-hours thinking I need to end my relationship with my Papi (aka, Master). He's been away for 2-months and is coming back to the states in a few days. I am very new to this life, and our relationship is very new (a few months old RL and before he left). I've grown attached to him very quickly though.  Now, while I am very excited to see him again, I got this overwhelming dread and fear to me that was pretty irrational. I was afraid to see him again out of fear of getting too close to him and eventually, some day, losing him. So, in my mind, I decided I should try to distant myself so that I don't hurt again when/if he does move on to something else. So, for a whole day practically, I was a bit short with him, and not forthcoming with my emotions as we talked. He thought I was angry with him, when I was actually trying to make him mad at me.

For me, this is probably the first time in all my life (and I'm not that young), that someone has seen every part of me inside and out, someone has been this close to me. Someone who has seen stuff I've hidden from others in my life. It's been a very scarey journey of my mind and my emotions -- freeing, but scarey nonetheless. (A little back information: I lost both my parents at a very young age, am very shy and reserved and have a hard time showing my emotions). I'm not afraid of abandonment, but, rather, I do know that eventually, life changes for better or for worse... people move on, die, life changes... but, I can't imagine not having him at least as a friend in my life, so, in my twisted mind, I thought if I got rid of him from my life, then, I won't have to miss him later... doesn't make sense, I know... lol.

I know that I've done this my whole life with people... always keeping them at a safe distance.  But, I am finding that with the D/s M/s dynamic, it's almost impossible to hide my true self from him.

But, I guess if I'm wondering I guess if I'm alone in this? Has anyone actually as my mother would say "bit off their nose to spite their face"? Pushed someone away? Do you struggle with this even now? How do you deal with your fear of your own emotions?

Again, I appologize for not making sense possibly, and also, the long post.

< Message edited by sensualmagirl -- 2/24/2007 7:30:50 PM >

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RE: Emotions and Irrational Fear as a Submissive - 2/24/2007 7:46:05 PM   
Quivver


Posts: 1953
Joined: 11/27/2004
Status: offline 		I have spent a life time bite'ing off my noes and spite'ing my face. 
It's a learned trait made from self protection.  Problem is were the only one's left that know that self, then we wonder what were doing wrong.  We mistake being soild and able to shut up and take what comes our way as a strength worth having when all were doing is cheating ourself and those around us.  Not to mention the postion it puts the other in when we leave important things to just the mind readers.  The vulnerability we've hidden needs to come out.  I know my roads been a long one in just the realization of how I've tripped myself.  I hope yours is smoother! 



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RE: Emotions and Irrational Fear as a Submissive - 2/24/2007 7:47:18 PM   
slaveish


Posts: 1086
Joined: 2/19/2007
Status: offline 		I have pushed people away my entire life. I have also led a fairly dominant life. I couldn't figure out what was missing until I found, by accident, a Sir. I discovered that I was submissive and that I could not hide myself from Him. The dynamic was too intense, and in order to be Dominated I had to share things, all things, with Him. I could not hide. In order to be free, I had to do the one thing that terrified me most of all and let Him all the way in.

That relationship is gone now, and yes it hurt a great deal ... but I would not change it. I know who and what I am because of Him, and it has opened the door to more self-awareness and self-discovery through my Master. It gave me the tools to be even more of who I am with this Man. It gets easier, sens, although it will drive you near the brink of insanity (i.e. "What in the HELL am I doing exposing myself like this???") before it feels normal and right. But if you keep doing what you need to do to maintain this D/s dynamic, it will become your nature and you will not miss those walls one tiny bit. ~smiling~ I wish you much luck and great happiness.

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If we have no peace, it is because we have forgotten that we belong to each other. ~~Mother Teresa

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RE: Emotions and Irrational Fear as a Submissive - 2/24/2007 7:58:12 PM   
duckykarma


Posts: 95
Joined: 2/7/2007
Status: offline 		I have always spent my life since i was a little girl pushing ppl away because everytime i would get close to someone they would leave, for me its a frear of someone leaving me alone so what i do is when i think im gettting too close to someone i tend to push and push and push until they finally give in a walk away, even though that is the last thing i want, i want someone to prove to me that they arnt going anywhere while still pushing them away, and if you can understand that then give yourself a pat on the back lol..but seriously i push them until they leave and then i can tell myself see i told you they would leave, they always do...im afraid to let ppl in because im afraid of being hurt but if i hurt them first then i can blame it on them and not my own insicurities....I am trying to get over this and I am hoping that i can find someone who can read me like an open book so that they can see that i say hurtful things to see if they will stay....and that im only pushing buttons and dont really mean it...

I should also add that I spent my entire life in foster care because my mother was a drug addict and my father didnt want to have anything to do with me and my siblings until we were 12 and 13 and then he paid us back by molesting us..so mix all that in with boucing from foster home to foster home and you get me...


< Message edited by duckykarma -- 2/24/2007 8:00:14 PM >

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RE: Emotions and Irrational Fear as a Submissive - 2/24/2007 8:00:21 PM   
sensualmagirl


Posts: 1065
Joined: 7/4/2006
From: Boston, MA
Status: offline 		I must say that generally, I think I live a life of contradictions...

On one hand, I think that I'd rather feel pain and hurt than nothing at all... but, yet, I am having a difficult time sometimes coming to grips with exposing my vulnerability in this particular relationship.

Also, since my mothers death when I was 18, I always said that I'd never let a day pass when I didn't let people in my life know how much they mean to me and to cherish each day. Yet, I also have difficulty actually putting that into action.

My life is rather complicated, as everyone elses is, I'm sure. I was conflicted too because I also can't let go of friends I have, even if they have proved not worthy of my devotion as a friend... I can't imagine letting someone in my life out of it at all.

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RE: Emotions and Irrational Fear as a Submissive - 2/24/2007 8:23:07 PM   
sensualmagirl


Posts: 1065
Joined: 7/4/2006
From: Boston, MA
Status: offline 		ducky.... wow, you know, when I read things like your post, I think at least I had a good relationship with my parents.

How have you dealt with opening up to people and not pushing them away? Does it get easier for you with each relationship?

I haven't had that many relationships in my life, really, even though I'm over 35 (I don't discuss my age... LOL), so, I was wondering if it gets easier?

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RE: Emotions and Irrational Fear as a Submissive - 2/24/2007 8:24:39 PM   
LuckyAlbatross


Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline 		It also happens all the time with people in vanilla relationships.

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RE: Emotions and Irrational Fear as a Submissive - 2/24/2007 8:29:10 PM   
subAlly05


Posts: 5
Joined: 10/14/2006
Status: offline 		I've been through the same, sensualmagirl. Its an intense ride, to say the least. I've never allowed anyone to get too close. Although I've had a few that really tired in the vanilla environment, this was always a safe distance for me. In the Ds environment, theres really no where to hide. And everything just affects me soo much deeper. Its a kind of love I never thought existed, and never thought it was something I wanted, but now that I've experienced it, its like a drug, you just can't get enough.

I've been through the akward phase, where I wanted to trust him more, but was scared to. Wanted to make him leave me, and was scared he would. Wanted to tell him something about myself that would make him turn away... and the only way (I found) out of that phase, is to test it. Take the leap, and just jump into the deep end. Which is not easy to do, but I think the quicker you take the leap, the quicker you'll find out if he's for keeps.

That akward phase was an intense one. It was, without dout, the most intense experience I've ever been through. (and I've lived in 4 countries, experienced a few intense things). But past that phase is security. When you know whats real, and you don't have to question it anymore.

Hope this helps, and good luck!

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RE: Emotions and Irrational Fear as a Submissive - 2/24/2007 8:29:28 PM   
sensualmagirl


Posts: 1065
Joined: 7/4/2006
From: Boston, MA
Status: offline 		yes, I do this in my vanilla relationships as well as my strictly platonic relationships too, beleive me... it's very frustrating at times -- I see that I'm doing it and try to change my actions, and still do it anyhow.

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it is better to have loved & lost then never to have lo... - 2/24/2007 8:45:59 PM   
princess4Sir


Posts: 51
Joined: 4/15/2004
Status: offline 		i think this is all-too-familiar scenario for many of us - when one gets hurt deeply, i think it is natural to build a wall around oneself - and often-times that wall gets stronger and stronger with more broken relationships - i've been there and done the same things you describe

over the years, i think i have mellowed somewhat but my defenses are still fairly strong - it takes someone very special to take down the wall i've built around my heart - trust does not usually come easy for me

i have come to the realization that it is not that i have misplaced my trust in someone - but rather that people change, situations change, feelings change - like in the patti loveless song:  Life's about changing, nothing ever stays the same


< Message edited by princess4Sir -- 2/24/2007 8:49:42 PM >

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RE: Emotions and Irrational Fear as a Submissive - 2/24/2007 8:48:02 PM   
duckykarma


Posts: 95
Joined: 2/7/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: sensualmagirl

ducky.... wow, you know, when I read things like your post, I think at least I had a good relationship with my parents.

How have you dealt with opening up to people and not pushing them away? Does it get easier for you with each relationship?

I haven't had that many relationships in my life, really, even though I'm over 35 (I don't discuss my age... LOL), so, I was wondering if it gets easier?

No i think for me it gets harder with each relationship because i have tried in the past to open up and i got shitted on when they left so i think whats the point in opening up to this person if im just going to be alone again? i find it all very tiresome  and i am almost 25, i have a 2 year old and i relize i need to get over this pattern for the sake of my daughter..i always seem to find the destrucive relationships because that is what im used to. my daughters father is a drug addict and i choose not to have anything to do with him, my last bf who is currently my roommate turned out to be gay..so its a never ending cycle for me and im ready to let go and stop being afraid of being hurt. im tired of pushing ppl away but i have done it for so long that i dont know how not to...



Sometimes i have felt that i am the only person who does this to themselfs its nice to know that im not alone even if it is something as unfortunate as our emotions and walls


< Message edited by duckykarma -- 2/24/2007 8:53:30 PM >

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Let the world know you as you are, not as you think you should be, because sooner or later, if your posing, you will forget the pose, and then where are you?
-Fanny Brice

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RE: Emotions and Irrational Fear as a Submissive - 2/24/2007 8:54:38 PM   
sensualmagirl


Posts: 1065
Joined: 7/4/2006
From: Boston, MA
Status: offline 		I guess I should clarify that I keep everyone at a "safe" distance, but, in the D/s dynamic, it is just so much harder to hide my "true" self... the vulnerable, the silly, the "sassy pet" side, the submissive side of me. I've spent the better part of 25 years (since my dad passed away) putting up walls and being the one who "fixes" everything for everyone... being the negotiator. 

In "vanilla" (I personally love vanilla relationships too since it's all I've known until about 6 months ago), and platonic relationships I can keep that distance really well, I find anyhow.

I am very happy to read that it gets easier, this letting go of irrational fears... I don't want to deminish the fact that we are all human and put up walls, but, do you find youself, as you get further into a D/s relationship where it's much harder to hide, are you less afraid of those walls come crashing down? Do you welcome it? Is it a relief to you? Sometimes I feel as if the world has been lifted off my shoulders, but, other times, I become more fearfull that I will be exposed for some sort of fraud.

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RE: Emotions and Irrational Fear as a Submissive - 2/24/2007 8:56:09 PM   
BabyNyla


Posts: 578
Joined: 9/15/2006
Status: offline
My dom/husband has been gone to Iraq for about 7 months now.  He is slated to come in a month for vacation and he is very scared about coming back to the comfort of civilian life and having to adjust.  He has been pushing me away from him for about a month now ... and I kind of let him in a way ... because I wasn't sure what to do or how to react.  This is odd for us ... because I am usually the closed one who doesn't open up to him.  We are both so scared about the future ... will he do another deployment ... will he be okay when he heads back after vacation to do his final 5 months ... what if I find someone else who can give me the physical comfort I need when I get lonely and miss him ... so many things come into play.  So you are definitely NOT alone in all those worries and concerns.  I think about them everyday when I worry about the future and being happy :)


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RE: Emotions and Irrational Fear as a Submissive - 2/24/2007 9:01:00 PM   
duckykarma


Posts: 95
Joined: 2/7/2007
Status: offline 		i havent had a D/s relationship but if im accepted into traing with a Dom from this site then we will see. I have already told him things from my past but of course im still keeping him at a safe distance because i dont trust him yet and for me its going to take a really long time before i ever will...i will keep you posted though, but a part of me welcomes knowing everthing about my life because then i dont have to hide anything or be afraid that they might find something out about me that they wish they never knew...

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Let the world know you as you are, not as you think you should be, because sooner or later, if your posing, you will forget the pose, and then where are you?
-Fanny Brice

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RE: Emotions and Irrational Fear as a Submissive - 2/24/2007 9:13:03 PM   
Mercnbeth


Posts: 11766
Status: offline
quote:

...But, I guess if I'm wondering I guess if I'm alone in this? Has anyone actually as my mother would say "bit off their nose to spite their face"? Pushed someone away? Do you struggle with this even now? How do you deal with your fear of your own emotions?...


this slave doesn't fear her own emotions---20 some years ago this slave was diagnosed with a problem of the hormonal variety that pretty much leaves this slave hormonally similar to the roller coaster of pregnancy on a permanent basis--until that blissful state of menopause sometime in the near future!!!  so , for the last 20 years if this slave was feeling overly emotional she would just blame it on the hormones and move on.  no mooning over it or wondering what it really meant.  take a hot bath, meditate, drink some "herbal" tea...all better.
 
as far as pushing people away...this slave has pushed people away that she served because they weren' t better for it~it caused them to NOT do positive things for their own selves because they lazily relied on this slave to do everything for them and they slipped into states of extreme over-indulgence.  this slave has often been the emotionally and/or financially stronger one of the two in the relationship in that this slave CAN and HAS gotten along just fine without an intimate relationship to serve.

< Message edited by Mercnbeth -- 2/24/2007 9:15:37 PM >

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RE: Emotions and Irrational Fear as a Submissive - 2/24/2007 9:17:03 PM   
LuckyAlbatross


Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline 		It's also easy to note that your walls are actually bright neon signs that say "Insecure points HERE!" to people who have some basic understanding of relationships, and a lot of guys know exactly how to tunnel UNDER the walls and get inside and will fuck you over just as much.  Because in reality you WANT to be open to someone, you WANT to be close and not have those walls.

You are doing the right thing here- honestly examining your feelings and emotions and thoughts, how they affect your behavior, and what bad patterns you get into.  Once you start to do that, you can see how to CHANGE the patterns and work your way into a functional and stable life.

I find the more I am with my partner, the more horrifying the idea of hiding anything becomes.  It's understandable that your fear leads you to retreat- you don't have to get rid of the fear, you simply need to stop letting it CONTROL you.

Whether you decide to let someone in or not should be based on what you sense is right for you, fear CAN BE a factor in this decision, but it should not dominate.  SOmetimes you really should NOT let someone, sometimes you really should.  That's why communication and good judgement really ARE so important to have.

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RE: Emotions and Irrational Fear as a Submissive - 2/24/2007 9:51:48 PM   
juliaoceania


Posts: 21383
Joined: 4/19/2006
From: Somewhere Over the Rainbow
Status: offline 		I have spent a lifetime pushing people away. My former dominant would demand I have no walls with him. He would forcibly tear them down without much regard to the net effect of that action. After that relationship ended I had a choice, rebuild those walls or find someone safe enough to help me gently remove the rest of them... I chose the latter course of action. It just seemed like too much effort to rebuild them... and I knew if I did put them back up no one would ever get behind them again.

I am in awe of how healing our relationship is. I am in awe of his patience with me, helping me get past myself.. because my defenses were about my inability to handle my emotions... they were never about other people. Sensualmagirl, I have to say you cannot run away from yourself, and that is what my sigline signifies

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RE: Emotions and Irrational Fear as a Submissive - 2/24/2007 9:57:14 PM   
SimplyMichael


Posts: 7229
Joined: 1/7/2007
Status: offline 		Your experience and issues are so very very common.  My ex only now believes I really loved her because I have been so good to her after she broke up with me (she wanted kids, I don't). 

Something that helped me deal with anger but applies in almost every circumstance is not taking things as personal.  Peoples actions say things about them, not you.  Someone leaves you, that means more about them than it does about you.

Part of the fear of letting someone in is the fear that their opinion of you will become important and that if they move on, that will mean you are worthless (or any number of similar feelings) and you are afraid of that.


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RE: Emotions and Irrational Fear as a Submissive - 2/24/2007 9:58:35 PM   
sensualmagirl


Posts: 1065
Joined: 7/4/2006
From: Boston, MA
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Quivver

I have spent a life time bite'ing off my noes and spite'ing my face. 
It's a learned trait made from self protection.  Problem is were the only one's left that know that self, then we wonder what were doing wrong.  We mistake being soild and able to shut up and take what comes our way as a strength worth having when all were doing is cheating ourself and those around us.  Not to mention the postion it puts the other in when we leave important things to just the mind readers.  The vulnerability we've hidden needs to come out.  I know my roads been a long one in just the realization of how I've tripped myself.  I hope yours is smoother! 




I've been re-reading your comments now for a while... I couldn't agree more with you actually, it is really hard to keep this "front" up of toughness... but, it is difficult to expose your vulnerability to someone, no matter how much you tell yourself that you need to really trust another because of the freedom you experience. I find that often I'm afraid of scaring someone off because of it as well -- he may think I'm an emotional basket case and all.. LOL

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RE: Emotions and Irrational Fear as a Submissive - 2/24/2007 10:03:20 PM   
duckykarma


Posts: 95
Joined: 2/7/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: SimplyMichael


Part of the fear of letting someone in is the fear that their opinion of you will become important and that if they move on, that will mean you are worthless (or any number of similar feelings) and you are afraid of that.

That is so true one of my biggest fears is that i will be thrown out like yeasterdays garbage...


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Let the world know you as you are, not as you think you should be, because sooner or later, if your posing, you will forget the pose, and then where are you?
-Fanny Brice

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