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Beginner Dom - 3/21/2005 1:05:37 PM   
Sh3LLz


Posts: 1
Joined: 3/21/2005
Status: offline 		Im new to the D/s world. I am most definitely a Dom. I am 25 yrs old. Can any experienced Doms and subs give me some advice and tips on where to begin? Ive read a few books and i now am looking to begin a 24/7 with an eager submissive woman.

any tips would prove useful. thanks in advance
Profile   Post #: 1
RE: Beginner Dom - 3/21/2005 1:20:26 PM   
Mercnbeth


Posts: 11766
Status: offline
quote:

I am most definitely a Dom.


Sh3LLz,

How do you know? What experience do you have to qualify this statement? What is your definition of "Dom"? What qualities or traits do you believe are important and essential to being a Dom? Which of these qualities do you have now? Which ones do you have to learn? How much effort are you willing to put into the process?

quote:

i now am looking to begin a 24/7 with an eager submissive woman.


Why should a submissive woman be eager to be with you? What do you offer? What responsibilities for her are you willing to take? How do you plan to cultivate her trust? What is your goal for the relationship you anticipate maintaining 24/7?

My advise?

First - Conduct an honest self assessment with these questions in mind. Next, being that you are located in Newark, attend the next TES open house in NYC. Be respectful and try to cultivate a relationship with some of the people there. Immerse yourself as much as you can in the community and learn from people. Learn from those exhibiting skills traits you want to have as well as those that represent what you want to avoid.

After that - you're ready.

GO FOR IT!

(in reply to Sh3LLz)
Profile   Post #: 2
RE: Beginner Dom - 3/21/2005 7:11:26 PM   
FangsNfeet


Posts: 3758
Joined: 12/3/2004
Status: offline 		Go through and read the threads. As to where to begin, well are you asking us about picking up a submissive or where to begin once you have a submissive at your place? That'll help.

As for starters, well that depends on how your other relationships where like. How bossy are you? Do you like telling people what to do or having that one person to tell what to do? Do you have any sadistic tendencies?

Then there's sex. Well have you had it? Anything kinky go on? As for starters on kinky sex, well think about blind folds, rope, hair pulling, biting and spanking. As you read the threads here on CM and be open minding to a submissives ideas, you'll experiment and learn new things that you'll end up enjoying.

_____________________________

I'm Godzilla and you're Japan

(in reply to Sh3LLz)
Profile   Post #: 3
RE: Beginner Dom - 3/21/2005 7:29:43 PM   
MsSilvie


Posts: 248
Joined: 2/4/2005
Status: offline 		Don't start a 24/7! This is analogous to "I just discovered the opposite sex, and now, I'm ready to get married!" You want to do some dating, so to speak. Merc & beth are right on about getting involved with local groups. Talk with anyone there that will talk with you. Get to know folks, both the good and bad examples. That's going to help you decide what kind of dominant , and person, you will be.

And don't be so worried about your destination that you forget to appreciate the journey.

Have fun!

(in reply to Sh3LLz)
Profile   Post #: 4
RE: Beginner Dom - 3/23/2005 3:50:10 AM   
desoutter


Posts: 91
Joined: 3/21/2005
Status: offline 		TAKE YOUR TIME -
Merc and Beth are right about - becoming involved - It is a great primer for what to do and what not to do - you will come into your own once you begin explore. Ms. Silvie is also very right - enjoy the process. Just keep in mind - It takes time to develpe the skills and you must remain focused on what your goal is...

(in reply to MsSilvie)
Profile   Post #: 5
RE: Beginner Dom - 3/25/2005 12:12:19 AM   
Focus50


Posts: 3962
Joined: 12/28/2004
From: Newcastle, Australia
Status: offline 		As a Dom, most of what I know of dominance came from within me. But that's less than half of the equation - I knew nothing of the submissive mentality or sexuality. And I also knew nothing of the dynamic created when Dom and sub come together....

That was a long time ago and my most valuable source of information came from the fem/subs I grew to know - they filled in and epitomised the missing pieces of the equation.

Most newbie subs explicitly seek *experienced* Doms (which I find a bit bizarre but how it is...) so starting out as you are will require patience. As others have said, Forums such as here and bondage.com etc are an excellent place to start from the comfort of your own home. It's a good place to learn what a dominant is NOT, as well....

I hesitate suggesting this but once you've gained some confidence, you may still have to "exaggerate" your level of experience in order to initially meet someone - esp if there's no community or munch wherever it is you live. It's the one and only area of the lifestyle where I found honesty is not always the best policy. And if you are some BS artist, they'll catch you out anyway and the grapevine will do the rest. But most subs will give a newbie Dom a go once they've at least agreed to a meet.

Focus50.

(in reply to desoutter)
Profile   Post #: 6
RE: Beginner Dom - 3/25/2005 6:04:30 AM   
Archer


Posts: 3207
Joined: 3/11/2005
Status: offline 		I have to agree with Mercnbeth, and several other points.

I don't recomend TPE for anyone with less than 5 years of experience. It's not the place to start and in the end you may well find it's not where you need to go. It'll still be there as an option after a few years.

Go to a munch attend a leather conference, get some Real life contacts with others who are doing this and see what speaks to you. TES, MAST, several other groups you have access to being in Newark.

I disagree with Focus on the idea of exageration, If you go to some meetings and events you'll likely find some people who will get you introduced to others, you will find someone to play with at first and later you'll find someone who will be drawn to you for more than play. No need to exagerate when they actually see you playing/learning from people directly, and developing your physical skills. When they speak to you and your mental skills actually get to be seen face to face with all the extra communication that can occure that way that is all but impossible to covey on line, they will ,assuming you have developed them well, be drawn to you.

Enjoy the journey and never reverse this simple thought

First decide where you are going then decide who will go with you.

In Leather

Archer


(in reply to Focus50)
Profile   Post #: 7
RE: Beginner Dom - 3/25/2005 5:56:59 PM   
Focus50


Posts: 3962
Joined: 12/28/2004
From: Newcastle, Australia
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Archer
I disagree with Focus on the idea of exageration, If you go to some meetings and events you'll likely find some people who will get you introduced to others, you will find someone to play with at first and later you'll find someone who will be drawn to you for more than play. No need to exagerate when they actually see you playing/learning from people directly, and developing your physical skills. When they speak to you and your mental skills actually get to be seen face to face with all the extra communication that can occure that way that is all but impossible to covey on line, they will ,assuming you have developed them well, be drawn to you.

I understand your disagreement, and I did hesitate in offering the suggestion but the simple fact is that D/s life does exist outside of the US and major cities. Where I grew up, there wasn't even a munch - this in a city of nearly half a mill.

I don't support being dishonest but if you wanna at least get your foot in an available door, you can only use what you have! No doubt there's D/s clubs, groups and munches etc on every other block where you are but many of us have to be a little more innovative. Too damned easy, naive and, frankly, arrogant or ignorant just to say: "go to some meetings and events"....

Focus50.

(in reply to Archer)
Profile   Post #: 8
RE: Beginner Dom - 3/25/2005 7:45:48 PM   
TallDarkAndWitty


Posts: 1893
Joined: 6/12/2004
From: Rochester, NY
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Sh3LLz
any tips would prove useful. thanks in advance


Hey Sh3LLz,

I see you are in Newark, which is great, as I am sure it is pretty easy for you to get into the city. If I were you, I would attend one of the DomSubFriends meetings they hold at Paddles every Friday. The people there are really friendly, and the atmosphere is quite comfortable.

If you like, I'd be happy to meet up with you there when I next attend. I think I will be down in NYC the first weekend of May. I know that it can be rather nerve wracking to attend one of these things, even when you are supposed to be the dom. It can sometimes help to know there will be at least one friendly face there.

Feel free to email me if you are interested.

Taggard

_____________________________

A most rewarding compliment is an insult from the ill-informed.


My slave: Kat (RainaVerene on the other side) and her website: RainaVerene.com

(in reply to Sh3LLz)
Profile   Post #: 9
RE: Beginner Dom - 3/25/2005 7:51:34 PM   
TallDarkAndWitty


Posts: 1893
Joined: 6/12/2004
From: Rochester, NY
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Focus50

I hesitate suggesting this but once you've gained some confidence, you may still have to "exaggerate" your level of experience in order to initially meet someone - esp if there's no community or munch wherever it is you live.


Jesus...you're kidding, right? BDSM is your expression of love and intimacy, but sometimes ya just got to lie to the bitches to get them to show up. *laughing*

quote:


That was a long time ago and my most valuable source of information came from the fem/subs I grew to know


In light of the first quote, one must wonder just how "long ago" that really was.

Taggard

< Message edited by TallDarkAndWitty -- 3/25/2005 7:52:39 PM >

_____________________________

A most rewarding compliment is an insult from the ill-informed.


My slave: Kat (RainaVerene on the other side) and her website: RainaVerene.com

(in reply to Focus50)
Profile   Post #: 10
RE: Beginner Dom - 3/25/2005 7:55:35 PM   
Gemeni


Posts: 255
Joined: 2/19/2005
Status: offline 		Decide what you want for yourself first.

If you do "play" try and learn that from people experienced at it.

And don't allow a pack of know it all perverts to use peer pressure to force you to do everything THIER way.

(in reply to TallDarkAndWitty)
Profile   Post #: 11
RE: Beginner Dom - 3/26/2005 5:58:57 AM   
happypervert


Posts: 2203
Joined: 5/11/2004
From: Scranton, PA
Status: offline 		Oh my! This is such a rich source of comedy I barely even know where to begin!

quote:

I hesitate suggesting this but once you've gained some confidence, you may still have to "exaggerate" your level of experience in order to initially meet someone - esp if there's no community or munch wherever it is you live. It's the one and only area of the lifestyle where I found honesty is not always the best policy.


then in a later post you added this
quote:

I don't support being dishonest

LOL!!! Ok, I guess you really mean that you don't support being dishonest ALL the time, but it is ok ONLY when honesty is not the best policy.

quote:

And if you are some BS artist, they'll catch you out anyway

That makes sense! I'll just thank Taggard and some others for catching you out because I had skipped over your posts until they commented on some ridiculous statements.

quote:

Too damned easy, naive and, frankly, arrogant or ignorant just to say: "go to some meetings and events"

Thank you for the lecture and for showing us that it is far better to just deceive potential partners. That is neither easy nor ignorant, is it?

_____________________________

"Get a bicycle. You will not regret it if you live." . . . Mark Twain

(in reply to Focus50)
Profile   Post #: 12
RE: Beginner Dom - 3/27/2005 3:22:45 AM   
Focus50


Posts: 3962
Joined: 12/28/2004
From: Newcastle, Australia
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: happypervert

Thank you for the lecture and for showing us that it is far better to just deceive potential partners. That is neither easy nor ignorant, is it?

Geeezuuuzzz!!! Taggard actually has an ally - only in America....! He also likes quoting out of context and he's big on needing witnesses, too; do you work as a team?

Focus50.

(in reply to happypervert)
Profile   Post #: 13
RE: Beginner Dom - 3/27/2005 9:13:39 AM   
domtimothy46176


Posts: 670
Joined: 12/25/2004
From: Dayton, Ohio area
Status: offline 		One thing I would add to the good advice already posted: Know your motivations. Discover what it is that truly drives you to want to top another, whether, in a scene or outside of one. Everyone has certains needs that must be fulfilled in order to feel successful in the interactions. Once you understand yourself and what need you're looking to have met, you'll be in a much better place to find an appropriate partner.
Timothy

(in reply to Sh3LLz)
Profile   Post #: 14
RE: Beginner Dom - 3/28/2005 6:38:15 AM   
TallDarkAndWitty


Posts: 1893
Joined: 6/12/2004
From: Rochester, NY
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Focus50
He also likes quoting out of context and he's big on needing witnesses, too; do you work as a team?


Do you even know what "quoting out of context" means? Or is your understanding of that term similar to your understanding of the word "voyeur"?

Taggard

_____________________________

A most rewarding compliment is an insult from the ill-informed.


My slave: Kat (RainaVerene on the other side) and her website: RainaVerene.com

(in reply to Focus50)
Profile   Post #: 15
RE: Beginner Dom - 3/28/2005 1:47:35 PM   
Archer


Posts: 3207
Joined: 3/11/2005
Status: offline 		#1 I answered the question of the poster who lives according to what's here in Newark NJ. It's not very far for that person to go to meetings at all.

I did not answer the question in general for everyone every where, so you charge of arrogance and ignorance ... is dismissed with prejudice.

I travel thousands of miles every year to go to events, there are few states where there are no munch groups within a couple of hours, if that's too much of a commitment then I have to question ones commitment to actually learning RT.

(in reply to Focus50)
Profile   Post #: 16
RE: Beginner Dom - 3/29/2005 1:53:10 AM   
Focus50


Posts: 3962
Joined: 12/28/2004
From: Newcastle, Australia
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: TallDarkAndWitty

Do you even know what "quoting out of context" means? Or is your understanding of that term similar to your understanding of the word "voyeur"?

I concede you nailed me on that one.... Writing voyeur when I meant exhibitionist is obvious proof that I'm some wannabe, ay? Helpful hint: If you now just quote the last 4 words of the preceding sentence, you've got me nailed with my own words again and to hell with context. But you know that already - it's your "gift"....

I've only been at this site a short time but you're rapidly proving to be the best show in town - keep those gems coming.... And is it asking too much for something witty from you someday, TallDarkAndWitty?

Focus50.

(in reply to TallDarkAndWitty)
Profile   Post #: 17
RE: Beginner Dom - 3/29/2005 2:58:12 AM   
Focus50


Posts: 3962
Joined: 12/28/2004
From: Newcastle, Australia
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Archer

#1 I answered the question of the poster who lives according to what's here in Newark NJ. It's not very far for that person to go to meetings at all.

I did not answer the question in general for everyone every where, so you charge of arrogance and ignorance ... is dismissed with prejudice.

I travel thousands of miles every year to go to events, there are few states where there are no munch groups within a couple of hours, if that's too much of a commitment then I have to question ones commitment to actually learning RT.

Committment to learning what?

I got from the OP that he's looking for a sub of his own - a fulltime partner. I have no knowledge of Newark but if there's a decent population there, there'll be a fem/sub or two about so it's easy to understand if he's reluctant to travel thousands of miles to begin with....

But I am curious myself....
I've had similar exchanges with Taggard but you don't seem prone to his theatrics; so just what is the perceived importance of attending events etc other than they can be a great place to meet someone initially? And, referring to your first post, is it "normal" for everyone over there to treat subs almost like used cars - to "try before you buy", so to speak? Is the emphasis always so heavily weighted toward mere physical play rather than a greater control-controlled dynamic? Surely it's possible the OP just wants a private D/s or M/s relationship....

Anyone, Dom,sub or vanilla, can be taught to tie knots or swing a flogger etc but there's no teaching or learning a dominant (or submissive) mindset - you've got that or you haven't and the OP firmly believes he has it. But the best judge of that will ultimately be a fem/sub rather than some public display of "skills"....

Focus50.

(in reply to Archer)
Profile   Post #: 18
RE: Beginner Dom - 3/29/2005 3:11:56 AM   
MzBerlin


Posts: 378
Joined: 7/3/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Focus50


I understand your disagreement, and I did hesitate in offering the suggestion but the simple fact is that D/s life does exist outside of the US and major cities. Where I grew up, there wasn't even a munch - this in a city of nearly half a mill.

I don't support being dishonest but if you wanna at least get your foot in an available door, you can only use what you have! No doubt there's D/s clubs, groups and munches etc on every other block where you are but many of us have to be a little more innovative. Too damned easy, naive and, frankly, arrogant or ignorant just to say: "go to some meetings and events"....

Focus50.


You obviously DO support being dishonest. "Exaggerating" is NOT "using what you have". Also, I think that it's too damned easy, naive and (frankly) arrogant AND ignorant to NOT be proactive in this situation. Perhaps, because you live in a city of half a million, you should take charge and organize a munch or play party. Taking the initiative would be much more "Domly" (Geez I hate that word!!) than pretending to be somthing you're not. It doesn't take a helluva lot of effort to set up a simple munch, either. There are resources avail. everywhere. It's laziness and a lack of interest that would inspire a person to misrepresent themselves. You state in your profile that all you think about is BDSM. Perhaps a little more action is in order.
I find your post to be particularly disturbing as a submissive woman. If I found out that a potential relationship or play partner had, essentially, lied to me about his level of experience or lack thereof, I would be very hurt and angry, not to mention getting the hell out of dodge. I feel that your comment was inappropriate and may have given the OP the impression that BDSM is all about posturing and posing. Many subs are willing to grow with a new Dom and help him learn the ropes.
The OP asked a fairly common question. It's something that needs to be (and often is) discussed on public forums. Sometimes individuals need a little push to get out there in the real world and go after what they desire.

B

_____________________________

new pictures!! www.ropexpert.com
also- you can catch me on www.ksexradio.com every tuesday. I co-host Baadmasters' Dungeon!!

(in reply to Focus50)
Profile   Post #: 19
RE: Beginner Dom - 3/29/2005 3:20:05 AM   
MzBerlin


Posts: 378
Joined: 7/3/2004
Status: offline 		Focus-
Learning different aspects of the lifestyle are important. Developing a skill set is essential if you want to be involved in different aspects of BDSM. That's why so many different classes are offered- because there is a need for them in the community.
I don't think that attending events is of "percieved" importance. It IS important to many members of the community. It's a place to get feedback, learn new skills (as I mentioned above), and explore your place in the "scene".
The OP didn't state his desires as far as the structure of his interaction with a fem/sub, and the emphasis is not always weighted towards "mere" physical play. And physical play skills are not all that you can learn from a group of peers or a class (or book or website). Different types of PE are out there, and learning about them as well as sharing your own is an important part of growing as a person w/in that dynamic.
You really should think before you speak. Really.
B

_____________________________

new pictures!! www.ropexpert.com
also- you can catch me on www.ksexradio.com every tuesday. I co-host Baadmasters' Dungeon!!

(in reply to Focus50)
Profile   Post #: 20
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