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Is there such a thing as too nice to be a Dom? - 2/28/2007 3:10:54 PM   
DaddyDeSade


Posts: 22
Joined: 12/5/2004
Status: offline 		I get this a lot. I treat all people with respect upon meeting them. I treat all people with respect period. It is just when I am in a D/s relationship I also choose to respect my girls need to be punished for wrong doing. A responsibility I don't take on when I've just met someone. Maybe one quarter of any girls I meet is there any possibility it will ever go further. But that number is drastically shrunk by girls who call me after or end our first meeting with. "I really like you and I can see something neat happening here, but you just seem too nice to be a Dom."

Is a Dom not supposed to be a smiling joking happy guy? Who made up that bullshit rule? Because it's ridiculous. I will reference some of my favorite teachers. Because a Dom is often called upon to be a teacher and trainer. Coaches in how they want a sub to behave. I always prefered a teacher who knew when to joke around and when to be strict. Teachers who never took anyone's shit, but didn't stop themselves from showing a fun personality as well.

Is, "You're too nice to be a Dom." the D/s equivalent of "let's be friends"? Because let me tell you it seems like 'let's be friends' doesn't leave a guy posting on a website, going, "wtf does this even mean?"

Or is it something that is truly possible. Even in the case of 'too nice to be my Dom' I think these girls are making ridiculous generalizations based on what they know about me at this time.

Is there even such a thing? Not talking about me here. I've been doing this for a donkey's years and I'm not the least bit confused about who and what I am. I have every sub I ever played with who can confirm I am not 'nice'. But in the world at large, I'm curious if people think it is even possible to be too nice to be a Dom.
Profile   Post #: 1
RE: Is there such a thing as too nice to be a Dom? - 2/28/2007 3:16:14 PM   
JohnWarren


Posts: 3807
Joined: 3/18/2005
From: Delray Beach, FL
Status: offline 		One thing I see people factoring in when they chose to play with me is that I am nice.  The people I play with can recognize the skill involved in what I do but they also mention they want to be with someone who behaves like a gentleman in public and has a reputation for taking good care of his submissives.

Hence, being "too nice" doesn't seem to be a factor.

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(in reply to DaddyDeSade)
Profile   Post #: 2
RE: Is there such a thing as too nice to be a Dom? - 2/28/2007 3:20:42 PM   
StellaByStarlite


Posts: 790
Joined: 2/10/2007
Status: offline 		My owner knows all the words to "Oh, What a Beautiful Morning". Does that count?


Stella

(in reply to DaddyDeSade)
Profile   Post #: 3
RE: Is there such a thing as too nice to be a Dom? - 2/28/2007 3:21:28 PM   
LuckyAlbatross


Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline 		http://www.collarchat.com/m_856653/mpage_1/key_gentleman/tm.htm#857014
too nice

http://www.collarchat.com/m_848523/mpage_2/key_gentleman/tm.htm#848969
Mr. Nice guy is not Mr. Nice Dom?

http://www.collarchat.com/m_825792/mpage_1/key_gentleman/tm.htm#825829
Can a dom be a gentleman?

http://www.collarchat.com/m_799563/mpage_1/key_gentleman/tm.htm#799760
what makes a 'real' dom?

http://www.collarchat.com/m_775753/mpage_1/key_gentleman/tm.htm#775760
dominants who show emotions, weakness or vulnerability

http://www.collarchat.com/m_771270/mpage_1/key_gentleman/tm.htm#771630
Does gentle master mean weak?

http://www.collarchat.com/m_668725/mpage_1/key_gentleman/tm.htm#668733
Too polite?

http://www.collarchat.com/m_505491/mpage_1/key_gentleman/tm.htm#505668
Seeking consensus: dominant as gentleman?

http://www.collarchat.com/m_433779/mpage_1/key_gentleman/tm.htm#433966
Master...in slaves' eyes!

http://www.collarchat.com/m_380311/mpage_2/key_gentleman%252Cdom/tm.htm#384513
dom vs gentleman

http://www.collarchat.com/m_266268/mpage_1/key_gentleman%252Cdom/tm.htm#266288
the gentleman dom with feelings

Is the term gentleman dom an oxymoron?

Gentlemen vs nice guy


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(in reply to DaddyDeSade)
Profile   Post #: 4
RE: Is there such a thing as too nice to be a Dom? - 2/28/2007 3:23:26 PM   
Caitriona


Posts: 327
Joined: 8/28/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: JohnWarren
The people I play with can recognize the skill involved in what I do but they also mention they want to be with someone who behaves like a gentleman in public and has a reputation for taking good care of his submissives.


Perfectly said!  It is important to me that anyone I submit to, whether on a permanent or temporary basis, treat me well.  Respect is a two way street in my opinion.  My Lord takes care of me and makes sure that I am taken care of when I play with others.  That's key for me.

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Serving alongside ciarra

(in reply to JohnWarren)
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RE: Is there such a thing as too nice to be a Dom? - 2/28/2007 3:34:20 PM   
DaddyDeSade


Posts: 22
Joined: 12/5/2004
Status: offline 		Yes I am beginning to think they mean too friendly to be a Dom. Which is equally ridiculous. I have had a girl tell me on the phone after spending the weekend together, that I seemed more like a friend then her Dom. And if I'm not mistaken it's because I was chatting to her about her daughters school work. Because of course a 'true Dom' never takes an interest in their sub's vanilla life. In her case I think she meant it as a compliment. She said she did. But it seems like a weird compliment.

(in reply to Caitriona)
Profile   Post #: 6
RE: Is there such a thing as too nice to be a Dom? - 2/28/2007 3:43:37 PM   
sublizzie


Posts: 1252
Joined: 5/26/2004
Status: offline 		I think people who are new have a weird idea of what a Dom is supposed to be like. People who've been around the block a time or two probably are more realistic and willing to accept a genuinely nice person as being just as Dominant as the person who growls and sneers at everyone.

I'm much more attracted to someone who is easy-going, polite, kind, considerate, and interested in what interests me than in someone who prefers the "kneel, bitch" approach.

Just my thing....

(in reply to DaddyDeSade)
Profile   Post #: 7
RE: Is there such a thing as too nice to be a Dom? - 2/28/2007 4:32:27 PM   
LuckyAlbatross


Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: sublizzie
I think people who are new have a weird idea of what a Dom is supposed to be like.

It's not weird, more just fantasy-based.  They have these boxes that they want to fit people into.  In the end they either break down the boxes or end up quite disappointed.

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to sublizzie)
Profile   Post #: 8
RE: Is there such a thing as too nice to be a Dom? - 2/28/2007 4:39:35 PM   
Padriag


Posts: 2633
Joined: 3/30/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: JohnWarren

Hence, being "too nice" doesn't seem to be a factor.

I think, from my own observations, where the "too nice" part factors in for many is a belief the person would be "too gentle" in play.  Sometimes its an unfair assumption someone makes because they think a gentleman, or lady, would also be too gentle during a scene.  In some cases its accurate, depends on the individual.  Some people have a very hard time imagining a gentleman or lady with impeccable manners could also have a wicked grin as they give a hard flogging or engage in some clever and exquisite torment.  Oh how naive some are...

I've also noticed some submissives who for various reasons don't want someone "too nice" which is often a euphamism for their not wanting to be treated with much respect or care (frequently because of some self esteem issues).  And generally, in this second case, they're probably best avoided anyway.

_____________________________

Padriag

A stern discipline pervades all nature, which is a little cruel so that it may be very kind - Edmund Spencer

(in reply to JohnWarren)
Profile   Post #: 9
RE: Is there such a thing as too nice to be a Dom? - 2/28/2007 5:32:34 PM   
MasterFireMaam


Posts: 5587
Joined: 3/1/2006
From: Charleston, WV
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: DaddyDeSade

Is, "You're too nice to be a Dom." the D/s equivalent of "let's be friends"?


No, it means, "You don't fit my fantasy." No big deal. Keep looking until you find someone who wants what you have to give.

Master Fire


Oh...funny...we never hear a thread about people being too mean to be submissive. LOL


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BDSM How-To Books

(in reply to DaddyDeSade)
Profile   Post #: 10
RE: Is there such a thing as too nice to be a Dom? - 2/28/2007 5:38:50 PM   
ArgoGeorgia


Posts: 256
Joined: 2/9/2007
From: Atlanta, Georgia
Status: offline 		Yeah, I've never understood the attitude that Dom = Asshole.  I mean, if they want, I can totally be an asshole.  Just ask my ex-wife.  But I would like to think that I have matured, become mellow and easy-going, yet still remain dominant and very sadistic-capable. 

Funny that they never mention how nice I am while in the middle of a scene.  Of course, that could be due to the gag.

I figure if I'm too nice to be someone's Dom, then they probably have unrealistic expectations and I'm just not suitable for them. 

_____________________________

Been there, done that, got the t-shirt. No, seriously. They have t-shirts for everything nowadays.

(in reply to Padriag)
Profile   Post #: 11
RE: Is there such a thing as too nice to be a Dom? - 2/28/2007 5:43:31 PM   
Padriag


Posts: 2633
Joined: 3/30/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: MasterFireMaam

Oh...funny...we never hear a thread about people being too mean to be submissive. LOL

Oh I've known a few....

_____________________________

Padriag

A stern discipline pervades all nature, which is a little cruel so that it may be very kind - Edmund Spencer

(in reply to MasterFireMaam)
Profile   Post #: 12
RE: Is there such a thing as too nice to be a Dom? - 2/28/2007 5:45:25 PM   
FukinTroll


Posts: 6277
Joined: 2/6/2007
From: Under a bridge
Status: offline 		Just because I treat her like gold does not mean I do not Dominate her and keep her submissive. It’s the off camera people miss.

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I'm the guy your girl is thinking about when she is fucking you!

TrollTopia
Greedy Groupie!

The Mods have me on speed Spank!! Gotta luv'em.

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RE: Is there such a thing as too nice to be a Dom? - 2/28/2007 5:49:24 PM   
CreativeDominant


Posts: 11032
Joined: 3/11/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: DaddyDeSade

I get this a lot. I treat all people with respect upon meeting them. I treat all people with respect period. It is just when I am in a D/s relationship I also choose to respect my girls need to be punished for wrong doing. A responsibility I don't take on when I've just met someone. Maybe one quarter of any girls I meet is there any possibility it will ever go further. But that number is drastically shrunk by girls who call me after or end our first meeting with. "I really like you and I can see something neat happening here, but you just seem too nice to be a Dom."

Is a Dom not supposed to be a smiling joking happy guy? Who made up that bullshit rule? Because it's ridiculous. I will reference some of my favorite teachers. Because a Dom is often called upon to be a teacher and trainer. Coaches in how they want a sub to behave. I always prefered a teacher who knew when to joke around and when to be strict. Teachers who never took anyone's shit, but didn't stop themselves from showing a fun personality as well.

Is, "You're too nice to be a Dom." the D/s equivalent of "let's be friends"? Because let me tell you it seems like 'let's be friends' doesn't leave a guy posting on a website, going, "wtf does this even mean?"

Or is it something that is truly possible. Even in the case of 'too nice to be my Dom' I think these girls are making ridiculous generalizations based on what they know about me at this time.

Is there even such a thing? Not talking about me here. I've been doing this for a donkey's years and I'm not the least bit confused about who and what I am. I have every sub I ever played with who can confirm I am not 'nice'. But in the world at large, I'm curious if people think it is even possible to be too nice to be a Dom.


It's funny sometimes...the differing ways that people view us.  My ex thinks that one reason I didn't marry someone right after our divorce is because I wanted to fuck every woman I could.  What she didn't get was the idea that finding someone to fill my bed for a night wasn't what I was seeking.  I wanted someone there who wanted to be there and doing the things you do in bed.  She also thinks that the reason I lost my two submissives was because they "got tired of all that domination bullshit that's really just abuse".  And yet...I too have met submissives who thought I was too nice...or too polite...or too insistent on the need for manners and courtesy to be in place even if there has not been enough time to garner respect yet.  But...I have met far fewer submissives who complain about my polite ways than I have met those who felt it was a breath of fresh air to be treated as a lady.

And...as noted...many of those who feel that a dominant is too polite have issues of their own in terms of their self-esteem and the lack thereof.

(in reply to DaddyDeSade)
Profile   Post #: 14
RE: Is there such a thing as too nice to be a Dom? - 2/28/2007 5:52:28 PM   
thetammyjo


Posts: 6322
Joined: 9/8/2005
Status: offline 		Perhaps if someones says you are "too nice" perhapst they think that's a better way of saying "I'm just not interested".

Or perhaps they have confused the fantasy man that makes them wet with the reality of a good partner?

Either way, they are clearly not the person for you. You want someone who wants a gentleman and a nice guy. Try to be glad they told you this or you could have spent week or months before figuring out it wouldn't be a good match.

_____________________________

Love, Peace, Hugs, Kisses, Whips & Chains,

TammyJo

Check out my website at http://www.thetammyjo.com Or www.tammyjoeckhart.com

And my LJ where I post fiction in progress if you "friend" me at http://thetammyjo.livejournal.com/

(in reply to DaddyDeSade)
Profile   Post #: 15
RE: Is there such a thing as too nice to be a Dom? - 2/28/2007 5:56:13 PM   
afeathr


Posts: 248
Joined: 6/1/2006
From: Southern California
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: DaddyDeSade

I get this a lot. I treat all people with respect upon meeting them. I treat all people with respect period. It is just when I am in a D/s relationship I also choose to respect my girls need to be punished for wrong doing. A responsibility I don't take on when I've just met someone. Maybe one quarter of any girls I meet is there any possibility it will ever go further. But that number is drastically shrunk by girls who call me after or end our first meeting with. "I really like you and I can see something neat happening here, but you just seem too nice to be a Dom."

Is a Dom not supposed to be a smiling joking happy guy? Who made up that bullshit rule? Because it's ridiculous. I will reference some of my favorite teachers. Because a Dom is often called upon to be a teacher and trainer. Coaches in how they want a sub to behave. I always prefered a teacher who knew when to joke around and when to be strict. Teachers who never took anyone's shit, but didn't stop themselves from showing a fun personality as well.

Is, "You're too nice to be a Dom." the D/s equivalent of "let's be friends"? Because let me tell you it seems like 'let's be friends' doesn't leave a guy posting on a website, going, "wtf does this even mean?"

Or is it something that is truly possible. Even in the case of 'too nice to be my Dom' I think these girls are making ridiculous generalizations based on what they know about me at this time.

Is there even such a thing? Not talking about me here. I've been doing this for a donkey's years and I'm not the least bit confused about who and what I am. I have every sub I ever played with who can confirm I am not 'nice'. But in the world at large, I'm curious if people think it is even possible to be too nice to be a Dom.


Sir used to get the same thing... too nice, too polite, too understanding, yada yada yada.  I agree with the others that say it's a way of saying, "you're not what I want, you don't fit my fantasy, etc." -- personally, the women that gave up on Sir really lost out -- fools I tell you.  Sir is not "nice" in the classical sense -- in fact he can be downright cold -- but he is fair and understanding and has never been anything but absolutely wonderful to me.  Some subs (many from what I have seen) want to be treated badly, not really submit but be forced to do so -- that's not Sir's m.o. and personally, I am glad of it. For those that want someone super-demanding and overbearing, a dominant like Sir will not suit them.  However, I do get punished, I am held to a high standard, and I know who is in charge.  THAT is what makes a Dom -- not whether he is "nice" or "sweet" or "mean," but if the sub/slave KNOWS who is in charge with no doubt in their mind.  I think there is just too much confusion about the difference between "dominant" and "mean."

_____________________________

afeathr

-Going where the wind blows me...

(in reply to DaddyDeSade)
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RE: Is there such a thing as too nice to be a Dom? - 2/28/2007 6:01:02 PM   
MistressDolly


Posts: 917
Joined: 8/24/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: DaddyDeSade



Is a Dom not supposed to be a smiling joking happy guy?


A dominant man shouldn't be anything. 

He's just himself. 

Smiles and joking or no smiles and serious. 

:)

(in reply to DaddyDeSade)
Profile   Post #: 17
RE: Is there such a thing as too nice to be a Dom? - 2/28/2007 6:08:51 PM   
WhiplashSmile


Posts: 1472
Joined: 6/8/2004
Status: offline 		Well you could always put on an ACT as being a CRAZY SADISTIC DEMON FROM HELL.... here to torture one's mind body and soul... lol...

(in reply to DaddyDeSade)
Profile   Post #: 18
RE: Is there such a thing as too nice to be a Dom? - 2/28/2007 6:14:01 PM   
kate


Posts: 177
Joined: 1/10/2004
Status: offline 		nice guys are nice....i like nice

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Profile   Post #: 19
RE: Is there such a thing as too nice to be a Dom? - 2/28/2007 6:18:12 PM   
FukinTroll


Posts: 6277
Joined: 2/6/2007
From: Under a bridge
Status: offline 		kate, come over and we can talk about it.

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I'm the guy your girl is thinking about when she is fucking you!

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Greedy Groupie!

The Mods have me on speed Spank!! Gotta luv'em.

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Profile   Post #: 20
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