RE: Sabotaging your chances.

RE: Sabotaging your chances. (Full Version)

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MisterPhister -> RE: Sabotaging your chances. (3/4/2007 7:54:42 AM)
AWWW, Troll, you're not just a pair of pretty pants. I think all have a streak of self-destrictive self-fulfilling prophecy in them. Perhaps all of us here are aware more than some of our own flaws and damn well make sure we don't spoil things with too much happiness.

innatedesire -> RE: Sabotaging your chances. (3/4/2007 8:07:26 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: FukinTroll I was looking at a very interesting post on ask a Mistress and wanted a chance to bring a similar post to the general forum. So I will pose the questions to both D and s. As a D/s are/do you sabotage a potential relationship for fear of failure? Are you afraid you cannot live up to their expectations of Dominance/submission? Do you nit pick them looking for a reason to sabotage or not even initiate contact. I do not know if it is sabotage or not, but I do have a difficult time opening up and letting someone in all the way..........They have to prove to me that they are indeed genuine and sincere. I have a "thinking problem" and I am a very observant person, does their actions match their words? and are they consistant? They are under the microscope in the begining. Sometimes I wish I could just be much more trusting of others, but it seems that the older we get the more bad experiences we have encountered and the more walls we have up. I tend to be a shy and quiet so it takes a special person to get me to open up to begin with. While I feel I am open minded, I do my very best to not project too much of the past onto the future, just becasue someone may have treated me bad in the past does not mean that everyone is that way. But it is nearly impossible to not have some ramifications for the next one to come along in some form, the degree of severity is a individual choice. Each failed relationship, even those left on good terms, impact the way we interact with future partners. All I can do is be very aware of my own actions and behaviour and take a step back and look at where my eeling are coming from and what the trigger is. Hopefully the other person is mature and open enough to hear and understand where I am coming from and not personalize it, but that is an entirely different topic. edited because i can't spell this morning.......

mstrjx -> RE: Sabotaging your chances. (3/4/2007 8:11:28 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: FukinTroll Are you afraid you cannot live up to their expectations of Dominance/submission? Just the opposite. Meeting or exceeding someone's expectations relative to the Lifestyle, however astronomical they might be, is simple. The question during the week about 'what do you want to know about your partner' is what is troubling to me. Politics, religion, friends, family, food. I don't care about any of that in determining whether someone I'm conversing with is suitable for me. I can talk about a lot of things. Intelligently, even. There are very few things in life that matter to me, certainly not on the level that my interests in WIITWD have. Couldn't care less. But if the other person is judging me on things that don't even show up on my 'importance' radar, then I have to believe that ultimately they would be the one's missing out. Do we like each other, love each other, play well together, and not get into silly arguments to the extent that feelings become hurt. You mean there's more to it than that? Bah. Jeff

mistoferin -> RE: Sabotaging your chances. (3/4/2007 8:15:36 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: FukinTroll As a D/s are/do you sabotage a potential relationship for fear of failure? Nope. I know what it is that I want out of life, I know the basics of what I must have, what I can live with or without and what I can compromise on and what I can't. I find that most people take themselves out of serious consideration in the potential relationship pool. I don't nit pick or sabotage or test....truths tend to reveal themself with time. I'm in no hurry though and not on some active search campaign. I take life as it comes and meet people without a list of preset expectations of a potential relationship. If one day someone comes along and it all clicks...great! If not, that's okay too....I make a lot of great friends. For me it's a win - win.

dawntreader -> RE: Sabotaging your chances. (3/4/2007 8:17:30 AM)
Great thread! And great responses! Fear is on my list of things to conquer this year - i am a perfectionist and tend to fear failure more than i should. However, i don't think i use it to sabatoge relationships though - i try to stay open-minded and see what i am meant to discover by having a certain relationship...After the death of my marriage - which i thought was "forever", i realised that not all things are meant to last forever in the physical sense. By this i mean, when i give 100% to any type of relationship and honor it for what it is and how i grow from it - treat it as a gift i have been given but not as something i deserve, it does last forever in a spiritual sense even if the physical was only meant to be temporary. i don't know if this makes sense to anyone but in my personal belief system and in my journey in this particular lifetime...it does to me :-) Enough philosophical thoughts for me this morning!

MasterNdorei -> RE: Sabotaging your chances. (3/4/2007 8:32:01 AM)
When Master introduced Himself to me online, i was immediately intimadated, and for the first time ever i blatently tried to disuade Him from being interested in me. Fortunately i have never ruled this relationship, even from it's inception, and Master had the good sense to take me in hand from that moment on. It is interesting to see how many others have similar reactions. Even those who believe they have a clear head about what they want can find they reacted differently. For those who realized they may have let a good match go, did you consider admitting this to Him/Her? Did any act on this? Just curious~* Master's dorei

ShiftedJewel -> RE: Sabotaging your chances. (3/4/2007 8:42:30 AM)
I've thought about this all day and I really don't know anymore. I wasn't going to post to this at all. It's right up there with whether or not a dominant should show weakness. But I really wanted people to understand that no matter what side of the kneel you are on, you still have feelings. I've become very jaded this last year or so, but is it self sabatoge? Or is it protection of myself? I don't know. I used to be very open to all possibilities, really enjoyed the thrill of the chase and all that. But I've been hurt way to many times doing that so now I'm more protected in my speaking to potentials and less believing in their sincerity. Granted I have times when the old me peaks through and I allow myself to feel hopeful. I think that's just so that I remember how awful it feels when I get hurt again. A reminder of sorts. Sabatoge? I don't think so, setting my sights on failure... a much stronger possibility. It's very unfair to the people I talk to that are legit and mean what they say, and I apologize for that. But if I expect the worst then if the worst happens then I'm not so hurt, and if that person is patient and persistant enough to get through that wall, it's all the more wonderful. *Jewel*

angelic -> RE: Sabotaging your chances. (3/4/2007 8:48:00 AM)
Thought provoking thread... i never allow myself to get close enough to anyone to actually sabotage the relationship. hmmm maybe that in and of itself is sabotage. i think i will spend a bit more time thinking about this before adding anything further.

krista -> RE: Sabotaging your chances. (3/4/2007 8:51:42 AM)
Greetings.... Shifted Jewel......your words are as close to my own as any i have seen on this topic.....i feel exactly the same....only from the other side of the equation...It took a lot of years....and a lot of deceit...but yes.....i am in the exact same place... regards krista joy through service

sensualmagirl -> RE: Sabotaging your chances. (3/4/2007 8:52:39 AM)
~fast reply~ I kind of went through this very recently, the self-sabotage thing... out of fear of getting to close to him rather than failure. However, failure is always in the back of my mind as well, being a bit of a perfectionist. Luckily, our very open communication has helped a lot with this.

azzmaster -> RE: Sabotaging your chances. (3/4/2007 8:55:09 AM)
a sub should worry about that. id a dom is worrying about how 2 pease a sub he shouldn't be a dom... he should just b thinkin on ways he wants his subs 2 please him. its the magnetic personality of a dom that should draw subs...if its not there he should think about exploring other avenues

BRNaughtyAngel -> RE: Sabotaging your chances. (3/4/2007 8:56:45 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Aileen68 I sabotage relationships by being extremely passive aggressive. I don't do it out of fear of failure, but when I feel things slipping away or when I feel like I've given much more than I've received in terms of dedication and communication. It becomes more of a pride issue with me. I tend to go out in a blaze of glory. I can relate to this. I have made great strides in trying not to be passive aggressive, though I still have a ways to go. I also relate to the pride issue because I feel like I'm doing all of the "doing" and communicating, and the passive aggressiveness tends to come out because I fear being taken for granted. My biggest issue now is impatience for things to get moving and keep moving. [:o]

Devilslilsister -> RE: Sabotaging your chances. (3/4/2007 8:58:47 AM)
When it comes to emailing people and "looking" no i dont sabotage at all. i'll email 5 different guys, something random about what i liked in their profile. There's another site i flirt on and i randomly email guys there and just tell them that their god awful sexy. I see it as nothing ventured nothing gained, and i am losing nothing by venturing. There is no loss to me to randomly say "hi" in whatever way i choose. When it comes to the getting to know period, i dont really get involved. My personal self does not get involved, so other then losing a wee bit of time - nothing ventured nothing gained. Not that i'm losing the time, as if i'm "getting to know" i generally find them interesting and i'm spending my time doing something i'm interested in. See, i dont look for serious relationships. i dont get serious about this stuff. i just let it go. If things go well.... great.. if not.. who cares?

findmedaddy -> RE: Sabotaging your chances. (3/4/2007 8:59:23 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: FukinTroll I was looking at a very interesting post on ask a Mistress and wanted a chance to bring a similar post to the general forum. So I will pose the questions to both D and s. As a D/s are/do you sabotage a potential relationship for fear of failure? Are you afraid you cannot live up to their expectations of Dominance/submission? Do you nit pick them looking for a reason to sabotage or not even initiate contact. Yes, Troll, I definitely have done this. I hope I am learning not to, but it is difficult to know where my wants end and my needs begin -- in other works, I push away those I think won't be smart enough or who don't take care of themselves, but is that because I need intelligence and self-reliance, or because I want it? There are so many examples like that. Bottom line: I'm alone, and I'm the common denominator in all these interactions, so it's me on some level who is making these decisions.

asubmissiveheart -> RE: Sabotaging your chances. (3/4/2007 9:02:22 AM)
azzmaster you have a way of telling it like it is. I can see either side falling into this trap. There is no way around getting to know each other. My Mistress does not lay all her cards on the table until she loves and trusts, and I don't blame her. Why would any sane person give away so much to a total stranger? Love, trust and communication knock down most walls.

azzmaster -> RE: Sabotaging your chances. (3/4/2007 9:04:50 AM)
i firmly believe also that a dom's role can b 2 point out 2 the sub what they r doing and give them the opportunity to change and grow. that is what we r there 4, in addition to being served. its natural 4 a sub 2 have some fears of surrender, but the deep desire to n be in some conflict. a dom should b like a good horse trainer and calm things down n inspire trust

justfortheforums -> RE: Sabotaging your chances. (3/4/2007 9:04:58 AM)
my problem is that i miss my first Master so much (the one who introduced me to this) that i keep looking for him in all that try to follow. i know this is wrong but i haven't been able to get past it. it's been a year and i can still remember our converstations, the smiles on his face and the feelings in me. it makes for a lonely place and a lot of disappointment. my tears flow in the middle of the night just remembering or when a song comes on the radio and if if i meet someone with his name...what becomes of the brokenhearted...

cjenny -> RE: Sabotaging your chances. (3/4/2007 9:13:51 AM)
I am my own agent sabatour or however it is spelled. There isn't a problem with Cmail, or chatting. Once it gets close to meeting them however I back way off & sometimes actually disappear. I do it even with those that offer simply the hand of friendship to me. I've built walls, such high walls that I don't know how to get past them. How to decontruct them. It is like I have lost the ability for one on one contact. A huge part is fear, fear that my physical self is not up to the job of functioning in any catagory. Another part is that I have been doing this for so long that it has become an actual part of me. Bah. Isolation is where I place a lot of the blame. Like self imposed walls, isolation is something that can be so very hard to get past & overcome. It is not easier to stay in my little world, the opposite. It is freakin lonely and kinda unbearable but I literally do not know how to change it. I'm going thru some heavy introspection, wondering if there is even a place for me in WIITWD. It isn't just in WIITWD, it has leaked into every aspect of my life. Heavy thinking for someone who just woke up lol.

azzmaster -> RE: Sabotaging your chances. (3/4/2007 9:14:37 AM)
to justfortheforums..it sounds like u have a devoted heart, which is beautiful... is there no possibility of u n ur master gettin back together? if not i do not think ur wrong to look for one such as he... he fulfilled u so it makes sense to look 4 the same characteristics in another. when ur ready ur Master will appear, whether its the former one or a new one

ShiftedJewel -> RE: Sabotaging your chances. (3/4/2007 9:17:04 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: cjenny I am my own agent sabatour or however it is spelled. There isn't a problem with Cmail, or chatting. Once it gets close to meeting them however I back way off & sometimes actually disappear. I do it even with those that offer simply the hand of friendship to me. I've built walls, such high walls that I don't know how to get past them. How to decontruct them. It is like I have lost the ability for one on one contact. A huge part is fear, fear that my physical self is not up to the job of functioning in any catagory. Another part is that I have been doing this for so long that it has become an actual part of me. Bah. Isolation is where I place a lot of the blame. Like self imposed walls, isolation is something that can be so very hard to get past & overcome. It is not easier to stay in my little world, the opposite. It is freakin lonely and kinda unbearable but I literally do not know how to change it. I'm going thru some heavy introspection, wondering if there is even a place for me in WIITWD. It isn't just in WIITWD, it has leaked into every aspect of my life. Heavy thinking for someone who just woke up lol. *Wow, jenny, do I ever understand that! It's a tough place to come from but it is possible.* *Jewel*

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