New person I met doesn't return my calls.. but wants to be with me?

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New person I met doesn't return my calls.. but wants to... - 3/8/2007 6:10:06 PM

boltaction

Posts: 53
Joined: 12/1/2005
Status: offline

So, I met someone. She is gorgeous, wants the same things I want, and on our first date was extremely close. We had great chemistry and seemed to hit it off perfectly.

For the last 6 months we were emailing each other back and forth, talking about meeting up but never doing so. She cancelled meeting me 3 times in the past for various (good) reasons, and finally last Saturday said that she could give me her entire day.

It was great. For both of us. She right away began to call me sir and I felt completely natural around her. We really hit things off.

Right before I got out of her car, I told her to call me. Guess what she didn't do?

I call her back and she doesn't answer. I get a text later saying she's sorry but she passed out while helping a friend cook (from being tired).

Ok... I don't appreciate it... but I will let you get away with it.

This week I've been trying to contact her and on monday she told me she thinks of me every night.... but why doesn't she maintain contact?

Today I finally texted, asking her to call me back when she gets it. I deleted her number off my phonebook. I want to be her dom AND her boyfriend but I won't put up with this.

What should I do? Just drop it and if she calls, then it was meant to be? What should I do next time she does this?

Note: She admitted she loves discipline spankings... and maybe she wants me to have an excuse. Either way, it's aggravating and makes me look bad to have to call her every time. She is also very, very busy and works two jobs.

Post #: 1

RE: New person I met doesn't return my calls.. but want... - 3/8/2007 6:19:44 PM

SimplySubmissive

Posts: 216
Joined: 1/2/2004
Status: offline

she's married?
she's just not that into you?
she doesn't want to deal with a relationship?
you can do what ever you want about it.. put up with the excuses and the games, again and again, or stop and be done with her.

(in reply to boltaction)

Post #: 2

RE: New person I met doesn't return my calls.. but want... - 3/8/2007 6:20:18 PM

boltaction

Posts: 53
Joined: 12/1/2005
Status: offline

The real reason why I can't stand this is because:

1. It puts me in an inferior position to her, having to wait on her.
2. It does not show respect.
3. It sends me mixed signals.
4. I don't feel like her dom by always being the one to initiate contact with her.

But then again I can almost understand because:

1. She works all of the time.
2. She's told me many times she is horrible about calling people back.
3. Nothing seemed fake about her when we were together.

I don't know what to do... this is downright vanilla territory.

(in reply to boltaction)

Post #: 3

RE: New person I met doesn't return my calls.. but want... - 3/8/2007 6:27:54 PM

RWAble

Posts: 282
Joined: 1/5/2007
Status: offline

She is married and tops from the bottom.

_____________________________

When the Yankees leave Florida, then we can be free.

Life is a voyage, not a destination.

(in reply to boltaction)

Post #: 4

RE: New person I met doesn't return my calls.. but want... - 3/8/2007 6:30:07 PM

Sinergy

Posts: 9383
Joined: 4/26/2004
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: boltaction

The real reason why I can't stand this is because:

1. It puts me in an inferior position to her, having to wait on her.
2. It does not show respect.
3. It sends me mixed signals.
4. I don't feel like her dom by always being the one to initiate contact with her.

But then again I can almost understand because:

1. She works all of the time.
2. She's told me many times she is horrible about calling people back.
3. Nothing seemed fake about her when we were together.

I don't know what to do... this is downright vanilla territory.

Use the following.

"I feel very upset, uncertain, thrown off kilter, and doubtful about your intentions when you cancel dates on me and dont keep in touch with me, I need to see you X number of times a week and want you to contact me X number of times a day. Please let me know if you are willing to be with me under these conditions, because otherwise I suspect we are not a match."

Set the ground rules. Describe the sandbox you want to let your submissive play in. Explain what you need and want. Let her figure out if she is willing to do what needs to be done to have a relationship with you.

For somebody I was interested in, if she was not interested in doing what she needed to do to be with me, I would come to the conclusion that she was not willing to be with me.

Sinergy

_____________________________

"There is a fine line between clever and stupid"
David St. Hubbins "This Is Spinal Tap"

"Every so often you let a word or phrase out and you want to catch it and bring it back. You cant do that, it is gone, gone forever." J. Danforth Quayle

(in reply to boltaction)

Post #: 5

RE: New person I met doesn't return my calls.. but want... - 3/8/2007 6:37:28 PM

Vendaval

Posts: 10297
Joined: 1/15/2005
Status: offline

Whether her behavior is unintentional immaturity or deliberate
manipulation, the effect is causing you emotional distress.
Cut your losses and move on. If she does re-appear,
set the ground rules and stick to them, being willing to
walk away if she flakes again. If you are making excuses
for her now before you are actually together; you are
in for a world of hurt, disappointment, lies and lonliness.

IMO,

Vendaval

_____________________________

"Beware, the woods at night, beware the lunar light.
So in this gray haze we'll be meating again, and on that
great day, I will tease you all the same."
"WOLF MOON", OCTOBER RUST, TYPE O NEGATIVE

http://KinkMeet.co.uk

(in reply to boltaction)

Post #: 6

RE: New person I met doesn't return my calls.. but want... - 3/8/2007 6:38:27 PM

DiurnalVampire

Posts: 8125
Joined: 1/19/2006
From: Nashville, TN
Status: offline

You have t put your foot down and set up the rules. Her bieng "aweful at caling people back" is a great excuse for not wanting to be held responsible when she doesnt do so. IF you are going to be her Dom and/or boyfriend, this bieng aweful should not apply to you. The rules have to be different.
Your having to constantly initiate contact does not necessarily put you in the inferior position, but her lack of response does. She is dictating the contact in the relatonship, and effectively taking that power from you. Angel and I had a similiar proble, his was becasue of his school schedule. He was not getting the calls I placed until much later in the day, and then not calling back. I told him very simply, if I did not start getting calls BACK, he was not going to be getting calls at all.
If she is not willing to hold up her end of the communications, you are going to run up against a wall. If the contact cant be held now, then there is little chance of it going anywhere else.
In my opinion, I would tell her that she was on her last otice. Without a marked improvement in her contact abilities, that she was indicating to you she wasnt interested and you were going to act accordingly. You will move on. If she is honestly interested, then she wil step it up, if she is just playing around then you'll have learned your lesson.

DV

_____________________________

I will be your Dominate if you will be my submit - Fox

Snarko Ergo Sum
If you cannot change your mind, how are you so sure you still have one? -proverb

*Owner of Fox - collared 10/13/07*
VampiresLair

(in reply to Sinergy)

Post #: 7

RE: New person I met doesn't return my calls.. but want... - 3/8/2007 6:39:12 PM

sweetnurseBBW

Posts: 2464
Joined: 1/26/2006
From: North Carolina
Status: offline

The whole thing is a big red flag. I wouldn't waste my time with her manipulative behavior and move on.

_____________________________

Sir Pain's pain slut

(in reply to boltaction)

Post #: 8

RE: New person I met doesn't return my calls.. but want... - 3/8/2007 6:42:38 PM

BRNaughtyAngel

Posts: 1821
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: boltaction

4. I don't feel like her dom by always being the one to initiate contact with her.

I realize this is how you feel, but wanted to say that I seldom call my Master unless it's important or if He has instructed me to call Him. I just have this thing about not wanting to bother or impose on others, and His schedule is pretty wild. He calls me the majority of the time. Even if life is busy for one or both of us, I do email Him a daily journal, even if it's brief.

I do agree with Sinergy though. Lay down the ground rules you want, and that are hopefully reasonable for her, and if she can't agree to them, I'd move on.

I know life gets in the way of life, but I firmly believe that if the desire is there for a relationship, you find a way to make it work. But that's just my lil' ole opinion.

(in reply to boltaction)

Post #: 9

RE: New person I met doesn't return my calls.. but want... - 3/8/2007 6:44:28 PM

MasterFireMaam

Posts: 5587
Joined: 3/1/2006
From: Charleston, WV
Status: offline

You have to decide if you are getting a decent barter or are you selling yourself (meaning damaging your feelings of self worth) by being in a relationship with a person who does this? She can be hot as all get out, but if that's not a decent exchange for you, it's a harmful relationship and you're doing yourself and her a disservice by pursuing it.

Master Fire

_____________________________

The power of who we are can be intoxicating. The power of who we could be is humbling.
-----
Ms Relationship Books
-----
BDSM How-To Books

(in reply to boltaction)

Post #: 10

RE: New person I met doesn't return my calls.. but want... - 3/8/2007 7:12:46 PM

Invictus754

Posts: 521
Joined: 12/16/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: boltaction
For the last 6 months we were emailing each other back and forth, talking about meeting up but never doing so. She cancelled meeting me 3 times in the past for various (good) reasons, and finally last Saturday said that she could give me her entire day...

I call her back and she doesn't answer. I get a text later saying she's sorry but she passed out while helping a friend cook (from being tired)...

Note: She admitted she loves discipline spankings... and maybe she wants me to have an excuse. She is also very, very busy and works two jobs...

This week I've been trying to contact her and on monday she told me she thinks of me every night.... but why doesn't she maintain contact?

Dude, she is totally PLAYING you.

quote:

Right before I got out of her car...

WAIT...YOU didn't drive? Did you at least ride in the back and make it look like you were being chauffeured? Or did you ride up front like you were her "boyfriend"? (Oh! I should've read till the end)

quote:

I want to be her dom AND her boyfriend but I won't put up with this.
Ok... I don't appreciate it... but I will let you get away with it.

Sounds like you don't know what you want.

quote:

Either way, it's aggravating and makes me look bad to have to call her every time.

Seriously, you don't have to call her. Really. You are supposed to be the Dom, not a lovesick puppy.

You sound like a smitten 17 year old. Use the balls you have (if you have any left) and call the bitch and tell her that if she doesn't call you back by the end of the day, the next time you see her the paddling will be with a wooden paddle with nails in it - then wait for her to call you. With a profile name of 'boltaction' I would have expected less whining.

If she has two jobs and a cell phone, she could call you as she drives from job1 to job2 or from either job to her house. Jeez.

I'll bet she thinks of you every night - ha. She's the Domme...she has you crawling all over trying to see her again, doing backflips and calling her and texting her ... "please, please, please will you see me? please? I'll spank you if you let me..."

If she doesn't call back, move on. At least you won't have to turn in your "I'm a Dom" card from WalMart.

_____________________________

You never know your limits, until you push them
If slavery is a gift, the Africans were pretty fucking generous in the 1700 and 1800s, weren't they?

(in reply to boltaction)

Post #: 11

RE: New person I met doesn't return my calls.. but want... - 3/8/2007 7:21:23 PM

DominaSmartass

Posts: 961
Joined: 1/12/2006
From: This month? Maryland
Status: offline

I understand your conundrum completely. Reverse the gendered pronouns and this could actually describe a few of my experiences with submissive men almost exactly.

Unfortunately, these types of things that seem to spawn instant D/s (just add water) rarely turn out to be real, true, and meaningful. I've had more instant d/s chemistry connections than I care to recall and none of them have resulted in even 1/100th of the relationship I have with my boyfriend (who I may someday get to call my slave...but that is still to be determined.) I know this advice might sound really discouraging given the situation. But I think writing her off is the best thing to do. You're correct that it puts you in a bad position to be the one always calling but not because you are the dom but because in any relationship, the one who has the most to lose - the one who cares more - is the weaker one. It's sad, but true. So stop calling her and maybe eventually she'll call you. And if she doesn't then forget about her. You'll find someone eventually who won't play games. And if not, you've always got the writing career ;)

_____________________________

“These S&M people ... they are bossy! There’s also a creepy connection between leather sex, ‘Star Trek’ and the Renaissance Faire.”

- Comedian Margaret Cho

(in reply to boltaction)

Post #: 12

RE: New person I met doesn't return my calls.. but want... - 3/8/2007 7:28:14 PM

TemptingNviceSub

Posts: 3054
Joined: 10/1/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Sinergy

quote:

ORIGINAL: boltaction

The real reason why I can't stand this is because:

1. It puts me in an inferior position to her, having to wait on her.
2. It does not show respect.
3. It sends me mixed signals.
4. I don't feel like her dom by always being the one to initiate contact with her.

But then again I can almost understand because:

1. She works all of the time.
2. She's told me many times she is horrible about calling people back.
3. Nothing seemed fake about her when we were together.

I don't know what to do... this is downright vanilla territory.

Use the following.

"I feel very upset, uncertain, thrown off kilter, and doubtful about your intentions when you cancel dates on me and dont keep in touch with me, I need to see you X number of times a week and want you to contact me X number of times a day. Please let me know if you are willing to be with me under these conditions, because otherwise I suspect we are not a match."

Set the ground rules. Describe the sandbox you want to let your submissive play in. Explain what you need and want. Let her figure out if she is willing to do what needs to be done to have a relationship with you.

For somebody I was interested in, if she was not interested in doing what she needed to do to be with me, I would come to the conclusion that she was not willing to be with me.

Sinergy

I have to agree with Sinergy on this one...set YOUR rules..let her know your expectations...then sit back and see what happens..or does not happen..then decide if she is who you wish to be with..Tempting

(in reply to Sinergy)

Post #: 13

RE: New person I met doesn't return my calls.. but want... - 3/8/2007 7:28:52 PM

curiouslyseeking

Posts: 924
Joined: 1/11/2007
Status: offline

Playing a little bit of the devil’s advocate here…No one knows her true intentions but the submissive herself…

But speaking from my experiences, I very rarely initiated a phone call to my Doms unless specifically told when…All my Doms were extremely busy professionals and an interrupting phone call, just to say hello Sir, might not always be the bests of ideas. Plus I, too, am plagued by “don’t want to bother you” syndrome.

I’d love to pat myself on the back and say that I am the perfect slave…but as far as intentions go.. sometimes, when given tasks or specific instructions, I delay and become a “procrastinating patty” as my Master calls me, does not mean I am not sincere about my enslavement to my Sir, it means there is a weakness in my self-discipline that my Master is definitely working on correcting…and definitely not playing games or tug-o-war with my Master’s control.

So, if this submissive is somewhat like the above examples, what works best for me is if my Master is very specific, A, B, C and sometimes that may seem patronizing if you have a very intelligent submissive…but sometimes, that’s what a girl needs.

I do wish you ultimate success in what you seek whether it’s compatibility with this submissive or not.

Respectfully,
curious

< Message edited by curiouslyseeking -- 3/8/2007 7:29:33 PM >

(in reply to Invictus754)

Post #: 14

RE: New person I met doesn't return my calls.. but want... - 3/8/2007 7:32:36 PM

MagiksSlave

Posts: 2768
Joined: 9/11/2006
Status: offline

All I have to say on this is actions speak louder then words.

Magik's slave

_____________________________

If you’re going through hell keep on moving
don't slow down
if you’re scared dont show it
you might get out
before the devil even knows your there.

-Rodney Atkins-

(in reply to curiouslyseeking)

Post #: 15

RE: New person I met doesn't return my calls.. but want... - 3/8/2007 7:32:52 PM

junecleaver

Posts: 1145
Joined: 4/6/2005
Status: offline

Maybe she doesn't think calling you is a big deal? Like when someone asks me 'How are you?' they aren't asking for a detailed layout of the last 24 hours. They are just being polite. Maybe 'call me' is just one of those things people say at the end of their dates that doesn't mean 'hey, call me immediately because I really dig you.' Or maybe she's not that into you.

You'll never know if you don't establish the ground rules, clarify what you mean, and give her a good idea of what the boundaries of being with you look like.

_____________________________

"No one will ever win the battle of the sexes; there's too much fraternizing with the enemy. "
--Henry A. Kissinger

(in reply to DominaSmartass)

Post #: 16

RE: New person I met doesn't return my calls.. but want... - 3/8/2007 7:36:25 PM

MasterFireMaam

Posts: 5587
Joined: 3/1/2006
From: Charleston, WV
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Invictus754

quote:

ORIGINAL: boltaction
For the last 6 months we were emailing each other back and forth, talking about meeting up but never doing so. She cancelled meeting me 3 times in the past for various (good) reasons, and finally last Saturday said that she could give me her entire day...

I call her back and she doesn't answer. I get a text later saying she's sorry but she passed out while helping a friend cook (from being tired)...

Note: She admitted she loves discipline spankings... and maybe she wants me to have an excuse. She is also very, very busy and works two jobs...

This week I've been trying to contact her and on monday she told me she thinks of me every night.... but why doesn't she maintain contact?

Dude, she is totally PLAYING you.

This doesn't make him any less a Dom...or a man. It means he's human...just like you.

quote:

quote:

Right before I got out of her car...

WAIT...YOU didn't drive? Did you at least ride in the back and make it look like you were being chauffeured? Or did you ride up front like you were her "boyfriend"? (Oh! I should've read till the end)

You're impossing your definitions of what a Dom does onto the situation. Maybe he wants different things out of his relationship than you want from yours. Maybe he drives all day for his job and enjoys just riding as a passenger every now and then.

quote:

quote:

I want to be her dom AND her boyfriend but I won't put up with this.
Ok... I don't appreciate it... but I will let you get away with it.

Sounds like you don't know what you want.

This isn't a bad thing, either. Very few people know exactly what they want in a relationship. It takes trial and error such as this to figure things out. And even then, things aren't written in stone. Now, he know what he needs steady contact to be initiated by the submissive in order to be fulfilled.

quote:

quote:

Either way, it's aggravating and makes me look bad to have to call her every time.

Seriously, you don't have to call her. Really. You are supposed to be the Dom, not a lovesick puppy.

You sound like a smitten 17 year old. Use the balls you have (if you have any left) and call the bitch and tell her that if she doesn't call you back by the end of the day, the next time you see her the paddling will be with a wooden paddle with nails in it - then wait for her to call you. With a profile name of 'boltaction' I would have expected less whining.

If she has two jobs and a cell phone, she could call you as she drives from job1 to job2 or from either job to her house. Jeez.

I'll bet she thinks of you every night - ha. She's the Domme...she has you crawling all over trying to see her again, doing backflips and calling her and texting her ... "please, please, please will you see me? please? I'll spank you if you let me..."

If she doesn't call back, move on. At least you won't have to turn in your "I'm a Dom" card from WalMart.

This is not helpful to anyone. It seems that this situation has pushed some of your own buttons. Perhaps you have been where he is or you fear that you will be one day. A little compassion can go a long way.

Master Fire

_____________________________

The power of who we are can be intoxicating. The power of who we could be is humbling.
-----
Ms Relationship Books
-----
BDSM How-To Books

(in reply to Invictus754)

Post #: 17

RE: New person I met doesn't return my calls.. but want... - 3/8/2007 7:37:49 PM

hisannabelle

Posts: 1992
Joined: 12/3/2006
From: Tallahassee, FL, USA
Status: offline

ARE you her dominant? is the relationship to the point that you have that claim over her time and attention? i wasn't able to figure out from your first post.

when i don't return phone calls, it's generally because i'm tired/busy/stressed/worn out, or the person in question is persistent (to the point of irritation and/or mild stalking), i don't want to see them anymore, and i feel like ignoring them is the only way to put an end to things without making them feel that there's a chance things are going anywhere.

that said, i think the best way to handle this would just be to email her and let her know how this is making you feel and that you don't appreciate it. make it clear that unless she has a good reason for it, the behavior needs to stop or any possibility of a relationship will most likely disappear.

(in reply to boltaction)

Post #: 18

RE: New person I met doesn't return my calls.. but want... - 3/8/2007 7:42:20 PM

pissdoll

Posts: 343
Joined: 5/25/2005
Status: offline

if she wanted to call you, she would.

(in reply to boltaction)

Post #: 19

RE: New person I met doesn't return my calls.. but want... - 3/8/2007 7:56:15 PM

boltaction

Posts: 53
Joined: 12/1/2005
Status: offline

Interesting responses.

This does seem to be closer to a vanilla relationship issue than anything else... I want her very much and that puts her in a power advantage over me. I DO feel like a smitten 17 year old, because I don't date often! That doesn't make me weak, it makes me stronger to admit that and face it.

Knowing this...

I'll take the advice from the cooler heads here and give her final notice, outlining what is required for her to be with me. I will also make sure to let her know not to expect a call back from me.

(in reply to pissdoll)

Post #: 20

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