Why can't people have their cake and eat it too? (Full Version)

All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> General BDSM Discussion



Message

Aine -> Why can't people have their cake and eat it too? (3/9/2007 6:01:48 AM)

I know that different things are for different people.
 
But why is a person "confused" if they want to be both lover/boyfriend/girlfriend AND Dom/me?
 
I know this is probably just another case of people projecting their own ideals on others.
 
But I'd like to get some ideas from people (without the farkin flame war) as to why they themselves cannot have both.  Without tearing into people who ARE both or want to be both.



SilverShadows -> RE: Why can't people have their cake and eat it too? (3/9/2007 6:06:21 AM)

Purhapes you can explain a little more what you mean. For serious relationships, I have never considered doing anything but both.

Edited to include:

Which should not taken to mean I don't mean the two can't be seperate.



lonlyrossInNeed -> RE: Why can't people have their cake and eat it too? (3/9/2007 6:09:46 AM)

Yes if you could explain more



KeirasSecret -> RE: Why can't people have their cake and eat it too? (3/9/2007 6:26:15 AM)

Cause once they eat the cake…it is gone. ;) (jk)

I think I would find this difficult, but not necessarily impossible. “Why” you ask. In previous relationships I went in as an equal in all aspects; most of the time I ended up having to be the “responsible one”, while my exes acted like oversized kids. Yes, it was freakin annoying.

My relationship with Sir is different because, even though I am equally important to the relationship, I do not feel I am equal to him/his authority …..ummm…neither does he. Therefore, I would not even know how to relate to him as a girlfriend.

Now, if you, anyone, or even everyone else can be both; I say have fun.

I’m a live and let live kinda girl.

Be well,



jauntyone -> RE: Why can't people have their cake and eat it too? (3/9/2007 6:30:48 AM)

I am all those things to Master; yet they are put into areas of importance by both of us. I am a slave first, a wife second,  a lover third, and a friend last. Even though they are seperated in this way, it does not mean that I can not be all of them. [:)]



Aine -> RE: Why can't people have their cake and eat it too? (3/9/2007 6:31:47 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: KeirasSecret

Cause once they eat the cake…it is gone. ;) (jk)

I think I would find this difficult, but not necessarily impossible. “Why” you ask. In previous relationships I went in as an equal in all aspects; most of the time I ended up having to be the “responsible one”, while my exes acted like oversized kids. Yes, it was freakin annoying.

My relationship with Sir is different because, even though I am equally important to the relationship, I do not feel I am equal to him/his authority …..ummm…neither does he. Therefore, I would not even know how to relate to him as a girlfriend.

Now, if you, anyone, or even everyone else can be both; I say have fun.

I’m a live and let live kinda girl.

Be well,


She's pretty much hit it on the nail.
 
I personally couldn't be someone's sub/pet/whatever without being that person's lover/life partner OUTSIDE of any kind of  BDSM dynamic.
 
I know that some people can't have both...for various reasons.  They have to be one or the other.
 
But she's also got a great answer in saying live and let live.  She doesn't judge others who are or want to be both nilla lovers AND BDSM based.
 
Why do people feel the need to tell those of us who are or want both aspects in our lives that we are "confused"?  And don't know what we really want?



szobras -> RE: Why can't people have their cake and eat it too? (3/9/2007 6:32:09 AM)

But I'd like to get some ideas from people (without the farkin flame war) as to why they themselves cannot have both.
In my life, it is more the matter that I do not "choose" to have both. I am married and fulfilled in many ways by that. My interest in what I seek is a compliment to a committed relationship of which I do not choose to deteriorate, nor destruct. Some aspects of including another will fit with the life I am choosing to create, other aspects may not.
 
But why is a person "confused" if they want to be both lover/boyfriend/girlfriend AND Dom/me?
I am not certain if you are meaning "all in the same person", or the boyfriend...., and the Dom... being seperate people.
I do know this.
Confusion is a sign of change. Speaking for myself, I get confused from time to time about things in all parts of life. Another opportunity to clarify and shed what I do not want from what I do want in the process.



Aine -> RE: Why can't people have their cake and eat it too? (3/9/2007 6:33:23 AM)

Wonderfully put, thank you.  :)



KatyLied -> RE: Why can't people have their cake and eat it too? (3/9/2007 6:33:27 AM)

I think with the right person you can have your cake and eat it too.  But I know what you are saying.  I've talked to guys who think that too much vanilla will dilute a bdsm relationship.  These are men who tend to compartmentalize their lives.  They see bdsm as a fantasy; I see it more as part of life.  



Aine -> RE: Why can't people have their cake and eat it too? (3/9/2007 6:34:57 AM)

Sorry, I've not had my coffee.
 
Yeah, I mean all in one person.
 



KeirasSecret -> RE: Why can't people have their cake and eat it too? (3/9/2007 6:44:42 AM)

quote:

Why do people feel the need to tell those of us who are or want both aspects in our lives that we are "confused"?  And don't know what we really want?


Actually, I think it is quite simple.

The people who say that are the ones who are confused. They can not understand how someone can do something they can’t. They feel it has to be one or the other, and guess what…it aint them whose gonna be wrong.

edited because...oooops I forgot the quote I was responding to.
Be well,



Lashra -> RE: Why can't people have their cake and eat it too? (3/9/2007 6:54:20 AM)

I am a Domme and a girlfriend to my submissive. I have no problem in holding authority using either title. Sometimes I think people get to caught up in titles and some people are just plain short sighted. They just see things the way that they want to and not as they are.

It is your(meaning you both) relationship and therefore you define how it goes, not anyone else. If anyone else tells you that it isn't right, tell them mind their own business.

~Lashra



szobras -> RE: Why can't people have their cake and eat it too? (3/9/2007 6:58:50 AM)

 
Thank you Aine for clarifying.
Ultimately for me, would be to have these in all one person. Though at this time in our lives, it is not the best decision for the whole of our relationship dynamic between my wife and I.  As a Dominant man, I believe for me that I need to take into consideration and make relationship decisions based on the welfare of all involved, not only my needs.
Otherwise, "What would I be in relation to?"



KnightofMists -> RE: Why can't people have their cake and eat it too? (3/9/2007 6:58:52 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: Aine
But why is a person "confused" if they want to be both lover/boyfriend/girlfriend AND Dom/me?
 


I can't say that I am confused about that.  My girls, My slaves are also a few other things to me as well.  Like lover, best friend, confident just to name a few.  I don't see a conflict between being a slave and being a lover for example.  I think conflicts can occur for some because of their personal definitions.  However, for myself my definitions are rather narrowed.  My girls are slaves to me for one reason and one reason only.  They transfer all authority of decision to me.  There is no other trampings or other cavets to the label.  Slavehood is just about authority transfer to me.  Now having authority doesn't equate that love can't exist within the relationship.  I am very much in love with my two girls.  There is so much of them that I admire and appreciate deeply their expressions of love for me.  But being in love with them doesn't stop my ability to exercise my authority.  Being in love with them doesn't stop me from exercising my sadistic desires on their precious bodies. 

I am who I am.  I have found that if a person builds a relationship with another that is fundamentally based on being honest and open with ones actual self that we don't have to be afraid to be that self.  I can share all aspect of who I am to my girls and they can with me.  We see each other as close as possible to how we actually see ourselves.  As we learn about our self so do our partners.  We learn and grow together.  My approach has worked very well with alandra over the past 19 plus years.  I am also finding that it is working very well with kyra.  It's not to say that this approach is the only one.  Since this particular approach will not work if one is doing A and another is doing B.  All three of us are on the same page.. dancing the same dance to the same music.  In fact, I have found that when there is a tension or stress between us, I look for to see where we are diverging from one another and get us back on that same page again.



azzmaster -> RE: Why can't people have their cake and eat it too? (3/9/2007 7:09:51 AM)

dynamics differ in all relationships, whether BDSM or vanilla. U most definitely can have what u want, tho perhaps not with the person ur dealing with. I have been with some women who expected me to just dom in the bedroom and that didn't work for me, yet some people work that out and are cool. its just about finding the shoe that fits, never easy but possible



SimplyMichael -> RE: Why can't people have their cake and eat it too? (3/9/2007 7:15:27 AM)

Aine,

To get more responses you might describe in more detail what you mean by lover and boyfriend/girlfriend.  What you picture when you read that word and what someone else might could be quite different.

To me a lover is someone I have casual sex with on an ongoing basis and a girlfriend implies some sort of exclusivity and probably live in 24/7 basis. 




GeekyGirl -> RE: Why can't people have their cake and eat it too? (3/9/2007 7:27:46 AM)

For me, I insist on both. Every dominant I have been with was also a "boyfriend" and "lover." I don't seek a fantasy life. I seek a real world relationship with a man whom I happen to give over authority to. I do not believe the two are mutually incompatible unless you allow them to be and get too hung up on the labels. I know plenty of vanilla couples where one partner has all the authority...they have the same relationship as master/slaves but they just don't call it that. That's the ultimate proof that having both is possible.



LotusSong -> RE: Why can't people have their cake and eat it too? (3/9/2007 7:35:05 AM)

Edited because further posts clarified things more :) 
 




KeirasSecret -> RE: Why can't people have their cake and eat it too? (3/9/2007 7:37:35 AM)

quote:

They feel it has to be one or the other, and guess what…it aint them whose gonna be wrong.


quote:

I do not believe the two are mutually incompatible unless you allow them to be and get too hung up on the labels.


See what I mean?

Be well,




CreativeDominant -> RE: Why can't people have their cake and eat it too? (3/9/2007 7:41:07 AM)

I've been in a D/s relationship where the submissive was also my lover.  However, given that she was married, she could not be my girlfriend...though her husband and I had both put an "exclusivity" clause on her = no more swinging during the time she was my submissive.  She was wife to him and submissive/lover to me.  The fact that she was my lover and another man's wife didn't stop me from exercising my authority over her in ways negotiated long before I agreed to dominate her.

I've also been in a D/s relationship where the submissive was also my girlfriend.  As someone has noted, there can be a problem with using that as a manipulative tool to try and get out of what brought us together...the submission and the dominance...but if you are aware of that from the start, then it is much easier to deal with it. 

I make it clear to people now that any relationship I would enter into would have to be looked at as becoming long-term and romantic.  I also make it clear that the love and the romance do not preclude the D/s and that the authority and control...once given...will always be in place and that will be how I approach things.  That does not mean I cannot love someone deeply and treat them fairly.  It is a hedge against statements such as "I don't want to deal with the "dominant" as his "submissive", I want to deal with my boyfriend as his girlfriend".  Now....sometimes that statement can be just a simple statement of how someone wants interaction to take place.  But...it can also be a way of wanting to deal from the level wherein no one is "in control...everything is equal...Alan Alda lives".  Sorry...been there, done that, got the scars, no more.



Page: [1] 2 3   next >   >>

Valid CSS!




Collarchat.com © 2025
Terms of Service Privacy Policy Spam Policy
0.03125