Happy Experiences vs. Problems vs. "Questions"

Happy Experiences vs. Problems vs. "Questions" (Full Version)

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SusanofO -> Happy Experiences vs. Problems vs. "Questions" (3/11/2007 6:07:32 AM)
I am saying this as much for all of the "newbies" out there, as for anyone else. This is rather about a phenomena I see occur on these boards that bugs me. It is just food for thought. I may not respond to remarks here, postive, negative or nuetral. Because I've got lots to do today. Plus, it really isn't about me - it really is just food for thought (depending on anyone's opinion, I suppose, and I hope people really think about it). Now I do see many get lots of support on these boards (myself included), as well as offers of sanen, onjectove advice, even criticism (which isn't always bad and can be helpful). BUT - Rather it's about a weird message board phenomena I see in play more than occasionally, and not in relation to me, but to many random folks, and on more than a few threads and I am wondering if anyone wants to take the time to ponder the answer to a few of the following questions. Because I just don't think this weird message board phenomena needs to exist as much as it does. I am not counting on it stopping, but I just don't understand why it can get so frequent. I really, really don't. I am just posting the notion that some folks consider the following: *1. I am curious how some discern that simply because* someone poses a question about a situation they need help with on a message board - that this means it is inappropriate for a message board? When people do this - I am kind of left wondering what they think this message board is FOR, actually. Do they believe it is a kind of cable channel, like tv, where they get to choose the topics someone will post about? Maybe they can call their provider, and cancel their subscription, if that is the case? Does it ever strike some people that there are people who actually don't have other people to ask about some situations? 2. I'd also like to know what the reasoning is behind seeing an emotion such as hurt as being somehow less legitimate than anger, over a perceived troubling situation. 3. I'd like to know how, when someone has already admitted they could have made an error in judgment (or did) and are feeling sad abut a situation, it is beneficial to repeatedly beat them over the head with said error in judgment? I would think that with some of posters who are apparently leading trouble-free, pristine bdsm-oriented lives, that they'd not be stingy with how they arrived at their state of eternal bliss, apparently having been ever-free of any questionable situation or problem - ever. Because apparently, they've either never had any, or ever been in a situation (or even two) where they wish they'd made a better decision. I'd further like to know how they believe making idiotic, assinine assertions, that basically amount to: "If you get killed, it's your own fault", and "you should have known better" repeatedly, benefits anyone - espeically when someone already knows they could have made a better decision? 4. Doesn't it ever, ever occur to these types of people that sometimes people just need to vent? That they really need to let-something out that has made them incredibly furstrated and sad? Why is sad somehow less legitimate than angry? Is "angry instead" just plain "More tough" and macho? 5. And - someohow why doesn't it occur to some, that someone who has had a bad experience, (if even apparently of their own making, which they may even admit even) is somehow incapable of "ever getting anything right"? Or completely stupid? This presumption, IMO, is erroneous. And it is alive and well on many CM threads, that I've seen. Whta is know abnout someone who posts about a problem or a sad experience, really? Not much, except that they've had a bad experience. 6. Reality: Unless someone lives with someone else, or knows them fairly well, they might be able to make a fairly objective comment, but IMO have zero business making laugably inept comments about their "personal history" (based on what - 2 or 3 experiences they've talked about?) Maybe they don't feel a need to do talk about anything. So what? Does that mean somebody who does has an "illegitimate need"? Geez, with all of that pristine-and trouble-free bdsm-oriented "vibe" they've got going, you'd think they'd be willing to share, and not be so stingy with the secrets of living altogether, apparently problem-free. My contention is that: Someone who posts about a problem or a bad experience, could well have a much more "together" life than one who doesn't - since so much is unseen in people's lives on-line. I've seen this assumption operate frequently at CM, and I honestly cannot imagine what end-purpose it serves - especially if somone new is posting and they obviosuly need some help, or have had a bad experience - regardless of the idea their problem could be viewed as "silly". If they appear rude, if they are new, they may simply not know any better. Know why? The person tunes out. They cease to hear you. You're talking into a vacuum, at that point, IMO. Why can these situations not be viewed as some, as valuable learning tools for someone else, too, by some folks? It is that some person (or anyone) is supposed to live a charmed, problem-free existence? Is it that some people get frustrated because there apparently is not a ready solution for every difficult situation that eixists? Because if anyone thinks there is - they are living an illusion. There actually are situations to which no solution exists. Many situations have solutions but some do not, sad to say. *I thought that is huge part of the reason this message board existed was to help people who need to vent, and-or otherwise had not many places to turn for help or advice. Suggesting they do this "off the boards" or some other such horse-shit, is assinine. These, and similar idiotic sentiments, negate part of the biggest reason these message boards exist. I think this is dangerous statement to make, to anyone who may have a situation they really need to talk about, and furthermore that they think someone esle could learn from - and no matter how idiotic someone in particular happens to thnk that might be. I protest LOUDLY the notion that anyone with a genuine concern, or need to vent, or who has had merely a disappointing experience should bury their head in shame somewhere, simply because someone else apparently lacks the ability for patience or to listen, or just shut the hell up and be polite. As well, somebody can certainly post objective criticism and it is well known if someone starts a thread, they should be prepared to hear all kinds of comments. I do sometimes worry about new folks (or anyone) who forget that. Or (God forbid) don't know it. Be prepared. I just plain think the idea that anyone jump on a high horse and scream "You shouldn't have this problem" really is stupid. If someone didn't have a concern, they wouldn't be posting about one. End of story. Maybe they simply need to vent. I see nothing wrong with that. The notion they should just "go away" because somebody else finds their existence objectionable is crazy. It's absolutely nuts. And it also does nothing to encourage other people who maye have an issue they need to discuss, who might feel they have few other places to turn to, to be more open about asking for opinions or advice. Just because it's the 118th time someone else has heard about some "issue" (Am I a sub or a slave? etc.) doesn't mean it isn't the first time soneone else may have had it occur to them. Telling someone their concerns are "illegitinate", IMO, negates one of the strongest purposes of this message board.** Anyone who really gets truly vindictive about stating their opinion should plain just be ignored. I of course - already know this - and I act on it. Furthermore, I say something about it. And loudly. And I will continue to shout it down anytime, anywhere I see it happen.Yes. I am on a one-woman crusade. And I've also got a white cape on, and am absolutely not scared. At all. So be warned. I will protect newbies. Even "really stupid" ones. And not new people I see this happen to as well. From now on, I will consider it part of my job. Newbies, take heart. I agree mean people can suck. There are a lot of nice folks out there, too. I see them all the time. There are a LOT of wonderful people here. - Susan

ScooterTrash -> RE: Happy Experiences vs. Problems vs. "Questions" (3/11/2007 6:18:43 AM)
That's a really long post Susan...lol. I think the answer is...yes, they can just vent, but I might have misunderstood the question.

SusanofO -> RE: Happy Experiences vs. Problems vs. "Questions" (3/11/2007 6:25:03 AM)
Yep, that was basically the question. And I am gonna shorten that thread topic. I know you do asnwer questions w/honest, heartfelt advice (and good advice, too). - Susan

StellaByStarlite -> RE: Happy Experiences vs. Problems vs. "Questions" (3/11/2007 6:25:35 AM)
Hey, Susan. =) The biggest problem with message boards, and online communication in general, is that it's incomplete. No tone, no body language. There's only the typed word. Language is a beautiful thing, but humans need more to effectively communicate. These forums only show one very small side of us, so misunderstandings are pretty rampant. I think people tend to get in trouble when they mistake forums or chatrooms for real socialization. There really is no substitute for reality. Stella

liljoy -> RE: Happy Experiences vs. Problems vs. "Questions" (3/11/2007 6:26:06 AM)
i think what might be seen as repeatedly beating someone over the head could simply be someone pointing things out as they see it. Sometime i will answer an OP without reading what everyone else has said because i want to offer my opinion and not be colored by everyone elses. It's important to keep in mind that it's not everyones style to sugar coat answers so while the tone may not be something that you want if the advice is good then go with it. i've recieved advice that was very good by some of the folks that don't sugar coat things. usually that advice was better than the sugar coated answers so i was greatful. i also think that if someone shows a pattern of doing things that repeated bring drama into thier lives people will get tired of offering support and advice. maybe that's why they don't have anyone that they can talk to because the drama get's tiresome

eyesopened -> RE: Happy Experiences vs. Problems vs. "Questions" (3/11/2007 6:29:00 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: StellaByStarlite Hey, Susan. =) The biggest problem with message boards, and online communication in general, is that it's incomplete. No tone, no body language. There's only the typed word. Language is a beautiful thing, but humans need more to effectively communicate. These forums only show one very small side of us, so misunderstandings are pretty rampant. I think people tend to get in trouble when they mistake forums or chatrooms for real socialization. There really is no substitute for reality. Stella Well said!!

Viridana -> RE: Happy Experiences vs. Problems vs. "Questions" (3/11/2007 6:31:40 AM)
This is actually in my opinion a good post. I've been using CM alot even though I don't post often. I find reading here in most cases enough since many have the same questions and concerns I have, so I use the answers they get to apply to my own situation. At times I even don't have questions nor concerns but I enjoy reading other people's views on different matters, although often I'm in disagreement with many of the posters. Those views, even the ones I find ridiculous help me establish grounds for my own opinions. But I do admit that sometimes I'm pushed away from posting my own concerns in threads because I fear to be ridiculed, looked down upon and basically told that I'm stupid for posting since I could just read older threads. Messageboards are dynamic structures in my opinion and a board of this size has faced every question, challenge, opinion and concern that can possibly be fathomed sometime before. If the sole appropriate action would be to refer to older threads then the board would become stagnant. There'd be no new posts, no new threads and the purpose of interacting with other people would be lost. Although the same subject matter has been posted before, it doesn't mean that the responses will be the same. Different people answer, and those who have been here longer may have changed or updated their opinions. For myself I have only met positive attitudes towards me (the little I have written) and I appreciate it greatly. Because of it, it has opened new doors of interest in subjects related to the lifestyle that were closed before. Best regards Viridana

raevnn -> RE: Happy Experiences vs. Problems vs. "Questions" (3/11/2007 6:31:55 AM)
People can be so very frustrating at times and the lack of tone behind the typing never helps us. I'm sorry people frustrated you to this extent. You may certainly say whatever you like on a message board or anywhere else online, for that matter, so long as it's allowed by the site. But so can everyone else.

kyraofMists -> RE: Happy Experiences vs. Problems vs. "Questions" (3/11/2007 6:42:36 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: StellaByStarlite Hey, Susan. =) The biggest problem with message boards, and online communication in general, is that it's incomplete. No tone, no body language. There's only the typed word. Language is a beautiful thing, but humans need more to effectively communicate. These forums only show one very small side of us, so misunderstandings are pretty rampant. I think people tend to get in trouble when they mistake forums or chatrooms for real socialization. There really is no substitute for reality. Stella I do not agree with the sentence that I bolded. I think face to face communication can make effective communication easier or it could not. I do not need face to face communication to communicate effectively. For about a year, I have effectively communicated via the written word only with another slave from CM. Her and I have had some wonderful conversations. We have both grown and leanred from them and had quite a few laughs. To say it is not reality because it is written only, seems highly narrow-minded. Knight's kyra

juliaoceania -> RE: Happy Experiences vs. Problems vs. "Questions" (3/11/2007 6:43:42 AM)
quote: 1. I am curious how some discern that simply because someone poses a question about a situation they need help with on a message board - that this means it is inappropriate for a message board? When people do this - I am kind of left wondering what they think this message board is FOR, actually. Do they believe it is a kind of cable channel, like tv, where they get to choose the topics someone will post about? Maybe they can call their provider, and cancel their subscription, if that is the case? Does it ever strike some people that there are people who actually don't have other people to ask about some situations? I learned something about posting here a long time ago, that others would post things that were hurtful without even thinking about it. I determined that I should not post about things that other people could unknowingly make hurtful comments to me about. They only have the power to hurt me if I put myself in the position to be hurt. People can have their opinion of what the forum is for, just like we have the right to use it the way we like. We do not have to agree, and all are free to state their opinion within the TOS. quote: 2. I'd also like to know what the reasoning is behind seeing an emotion such as hurt as being somehow less legitimate than anger, over a perceived troubling situation. I am beginning to see that most negative emotional states are related to one another. Anger is fear, hurt feelings are often related to anger. There is something that amuses me on message boards, when people state unequivocably that they know what I feel. It does not annoy me, I just think Miss Cleo has computer access in prison...smiles. Seriously, people think they can determine an emotional state based on the way things are phrased, and they are often wrong. It seems smarter to say to someone "You seem to be upset" or "Is this upsetting to you?" than to boldy tell them what they are feeling. But I do not get upset over this, I just find it a silly thing to do. quote: 3. I'd like to know how, when someone has already admitted they could have made an error in judgment (or did) and are feeling sad abut a situation, it is beneficial to repeatedly beat them over the head with said error in judgment? Again, people are free to post whatever they like, I can choose how I let that impact me. I have let others upset me on this board when I first began posting here, they no longer do so. I have been seen as being harsh in the past to others, even though that was not my intent too. We are all responsible for our own feelings, even when people are being hurtful, the ultimate responsiblity for how we feel about that lies within us. I do not like to converse with hurtful people, and most of us do not enjoy that. It is better to consciously avoid such people and when I have to deal with them I try to minimize their impact. quote: I think this is dangerous statement to make, to anyone who may have a situation they really need to talk about, and furthermore that they think someone esle could learn from - and no matter how idiotic someone in particular happens to thnk that might be. I protest LOUDLY the notion that anyone with a genuine concern, or need to vent, or who has had merely a disappointing experience should bury their head in shame somewhere, simply because someone else apparently lacks the ability for patience or to listen or just shut the hell up and be polite. I do not think it is dangerous to have a different opinion about what a message board is for, it is just a different opinion. People are ultimately responsible for what they do, feel, and think... not strangers on message boards. I do not think others can abdicate their responsiblity for their lives on to strangers they have never met... I do not agree with this at all Susan. I quote: can appreciate the objective criticism I've read on threads from posters on threads, and also supportive comments. Who would police these threads to determine who was too harsh, not kind enough, rude in some way? Who reads intent into every post? I certainly do not want to do that. As long as it is within TOS people need to be adults and be responsible for their own emotional states.. as long as people are not sexually harassing, bigoted, name calling, I just do not think one can police the threads for intent of every poster. quote: The notion they should just "go away" because somebody else finds their existence objectionable is crazy. It's absoultely nuts. And it also does nothing to encourage other people who maye have an issue they need to discuss, who might feel they have few other places to turn to, to be more open about asking for opinions or advice I find this part ironic, because someone has an opinion about how these forums should be used you are stating they should go away. They are offering an opinion that you have qualified as being even dangerous. I do not recall anyone saying that people seeking advice should "go away", but you seem to be stating they should. Susan, I enjoy your posts so please do not misunderstand what I am saying, I felt some of the comments on that recent thread were unkind and could be construed as catty and hurtful by some, others would not find them to be catty and hurtful... just blunt. That is what I am talking about, who measures intent? You? Me? I can understand feeling as you do, but this thread is about that other in many ways, reasonable people disagree all the time. Look up a thread about abandonment that I started... that thread cut me, so I understand how you feel, but that is what happens when we put ourselves out there... it is also why some of us are very guarded about what we share, some people are just blunt, to the point, and have no sensitivity to others.. in fact I have been accused of being this way a time or two.

happypervert -> RE: Happy Experiences vs. Problems vs. "Questions" (3/11/2007 7:05:38 AM)
quote: Anyone who really gets truly vindictive about stating their opinion should plain just be ignored. I could not agree more with this statement. Especially when it applies to someone who manifests her own vindictiveness by starting off a thread claiming to be providing food for thought, and then proceeds to launch into a long winded diatribe against everyone who failed to cater to pathological attention seeking with a group hug. Yup, vindictive phonies like that really make me sick! They are easy to spot by their repeated claims that it "isn't about me", and they also can't tell that those who bluntly state opinions in a "tough love" are not necessarily vindictive. But when I see someone obsessing like that and trying to take such petty revenge, my mind screams "MELTDOWN!!! Let's make some popcorn!"

SusanofO -> RE: Happy Experiences vs. Problems vs. "Questions" (3/11/2007 7:06:40 AM)
Well just to be clear, I am not being defensive on my own behalf (I did all that yesterday, he[;)][:D] I really am joking. I am an adult, and I appreciate criticism and also support. And I really do try to learn something. And most people here are wonderful. TONs of them. Many, many. I like the people here, a LOT. if it's not very very clear, I appreciate the comments I got on a recent thread I started. I did (and I mean it). But I am not talking about that, really. Also - I'm not hurt. I couldn't care less. My hide isn't that thin. But - some people's IS. And I DO think it's a shame, a down-right shame, that some would rather not post than risk ridicule from some nasty idiot. And I see people get made fun of all the time. To be fair, though, I also see a lot more foks who offer support and objective criticism. Many are supportive, or at least objective But -If somebody really wants to get nasty, I'll take 'em on. Send 'em over here, to me. They are not soon gonna forget the experience. I can go on for PAGES, and they'll just get worn out. They will not enjoy it. I guarantee. They have just never apparently, seen me get really really pissed off. It's pretty vivid. I just think somebody needs to telll them off. And why not? They are apparently willing to do it to others. Somebody should call their bluff, if it's really nasty, and there would be much less of that stuff happening. I agree there are folks out there who some assume are apparently not "the sharpest knives in the drawer". But - I can see how even someone who apparently "should know better" can make a mistake. Or several. So what? To them, it's obviously still a problem. For some, Rome wasn't built in a day. Tired of hearing it? Perfect yourself? Doubtful. Maybe people should post a lot more about just their happy experiences? But - my guess is, they probably don't need help with them. I do agree about incomplete descritpions of circumstances, and two sides to every story etc. I do know spme folks are very private. But when I hear: Well I just would never DO that. My reaction is kind of: And? So? I don't think anybody should be attempting to slander, or drag anyone's name into the mud here. If they have somthing to post, don't use someone's name, for God's sake (you will sure be moderated if you do. Besides, it's mean, IMO). Also, be clear - say everything you think happened, if it's a Q on a situation. Not just part of it. If it makes you look stupid, hey, at least any advice you do get will be fairly objective. maybe even try to see the other person's side (if that is possible,which sometimes it's not, but many times it is). But - the entire notion of telling someone they should "take things elsewhere" just had me stupefied. I thought to myself: Wow.Why are people here? I mean that might be the entire reason someone is here. Nobody has a way of knowing. I mean I post a lot on fun posts and jokes and such, but I have also gained a tremendous amount of knoweldge for myself on these message baords. And not just from reading about the experiences of anyone who's posted about "happy expriences" or asked questions about methods of flogging, etc. For somebody new, all it's gonna take is one nasty person to maybe scare them forever. When hear people justify this nastiness with crap like: "They should know better" (Really? How? If they didn't think it was a concern why would they post about it?) Or - "I have a right to post my opinion, too" (True, in which case, sometimes I've been glad I am not the room-mate of certain posters, that's for sure), Or - God forbid (and my personal favorite): "Well, that's not what happened to ME. When I had this happen this, and this, and this happened - and so I can't see how so-and-so's situation would not work out the EXACT same way..." (Yeah. And we all know everyone on the entire planet, and their circumstances, are all the same. None of us are different). It just makes me cringe, sometimes.Who is calling who stupid, here? I do agree about posting complete circumstances, (people should try to do that) and about the internet lacking any abulity to project affect (facial expression, etc) being a hindrance in some communications. I agree ignoring them makes them sometimes disappear a LOT fatster. I;ve also seen this kind of crap snowball, and completely drive someone off when it hasn't been justified. If I see that kind of thing, I am saying something. Really Loud, if I think it's mean and not justified at all. I think that way, there's be a lot less of that kind of thing. - Susan

dawntreader -> RE: Happy Experiences vs. Problems vs. "Questions" (3/11/2007 7:13:02 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: eyesopened quote: ORIGINAL: StellaByStarlite Hey, Susan. =) The biggest problem with message boards, and online communication in general, is that it's incomplete. No tone, no body language. There's only the typed word. Language is a beautiful thing, but humans need more to effectively communicate. These forums only show one very small side of us, so misunderstandings are pretty rampant. I think people tend to get in trouble when they mistake forums or chatrooms for real socialization. There really is no substitute for reality. Stella Well said!! my sentiments exactly! ***Edited to add something to what kyra has said... i agree that there are exceptions to every situation, and like you i have had "effective communication" with several people on line that i have not had the opportunity to meet f/f yet. By my agreement to Stella's opinion, i guess i really mean, for me nothing can fully replace the whole experience of f/f. i like to read someones eyes and their body language, i like to hear the inflections and tones in their voice when they speak, see if their smile reaches their eyes, you know - all the nuances of conversation that enhance the exchange... but this is just my opinion! lol

KatyLied -> RE: Happy Experiences vs. Problems vs. "Questions" (3/11/2007 7:19:36 AM)
quote: Maybe people should post a lot more about their happy experiences. But - my guess is, they probably don't need help with them. There are many reasons that people don't post things, good and bad: They have boundaries regarding how much information they are going to give to strangers. They don't have a need for attention. They are introverts. They don't enjoy drama. They don't feel the need to live their lives out on a message board.

MsLadySue -> RE: Happy Experiences vs. Problems vs. "Questions" (3/11/2007 7:22:34 AM)
Very nice post Susan. I agree with much of what you've written. I seldom post for many of the reasons you stated. I spend a lot of time reading the different threads and on several occasions have begun writing a response only to delete it because I felt it would not come across as I meant it to sound. In reading a lot of the threads, I sit here shaking my head at the flaming and down right nastiness I see. These being the reasons I prefer to read and remain quiet most of the time.

LaTigresse -> RE: Happy Experiences vs. Problems vs. "Questions" (3/11/2007 7:26:03 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: happypervert quote: Anyone who really gets truly vindictive about stating their opinion should plain just be ignored. I could not agree more with this statement. Especially when it applies to someone who manifests her own vindictiveness by starting off a thread claiming to be providing food for thought, and then proceeds to launch into a long winded diatribe against everyone who failed to cater to pathological attention seeking with a group hug. Yup, vindictive phonies like that really make me sick! They are easy to spot by their repeated claims that it "isn't about me", and they also can't tell that those who bluntly state opinions in a "tough love" are not necessarily vindictive. But when I see someone obsessing like that and trying to take such petty revenge, my mind screams "MELTDOWN!!! Let's make some popcorn!" I believe this reflects very well my feeling when I first read this. To have this forum, the internet, and what goes on here be such an important part of a person's life that they have obviously not been able to let go and move forward days later is frightening. Susan, I would never seriously suggest a person leave the forums because they can be a vital learning tool, they have been for me. However, I would suggest that they not be such an all encompassing and important part of your life as they appear to be from where I sit. Honestly, I don't think it's healthy to get so emotionally invested. I only hope that this thread does not disolve into the emotional meltdown the other one did when there are posts that are not exactly what is wanted.

SimplyMichael -> RE: Happy Experiences vs. Problems vs. "Questions" (3/11/2007 7:28:11 AM)
Its amazing to read posts where people think they are being impersonal and hiding themselves and for anyone perceptive they are deeply revealing about personal issues. Susan, You are missing the message contained in the very posts you are complaining about. One day you will see them but it doesn't seem you are quite ready yet.

juliaoceania -> RE: Happy Experiences vs. Problems vs. "Questions" (3/11/2007 7:32:31 AM)
quote: Also - I'm not hurt. I couldn't care less. My hide isn't thaty thin. But some peopel's IS. And I DO think it's a shame, a down-right shame, that some would rather not post than risk ridicule from some nasty idiot. And I see people get made fun of al the time But that is human nature to some degree Susan, again, people are responsible for their own emotional wellness. I think that if someone is so impacted by the opinions of strangers they need professional help. If they are so emotionally fragile that some "idiot" on a message board hurts them in a substantial life altering way then they should not be taking advice from the internet anyways... that is my honest opinion. quote: To be fair, though, I also see a lot more foks who offer support and objective criticism. If somebidy really wants to get nsaty, I'll take 'em on. Send 'em over here, to me. They are not soon gonna forget the experience. I can go on for PAGES, and they'll just get worn out. They will not enjoy it. I guarantee. They have just never apparently, seen me get really really pissed off. It's pretty vivid. I just think somebody needs to telll them off. Why not? They are apparently willing to do it to others. Call their bluff. We often become what we resist. I learned this by being active against certain things instead of being "for" things. Being "for" things just works better in my life... just an observation. quote: For somebody new, all it's gonna take is one nasty person to maybe scare them forever. When hear people justify this nastiness with crap like: "They should know better" (Really? How? If they didn't think it was a concern why would they post about it?) Or - If they are not attracted to posting here because they read something they do not like, well they should find a more perfect community to post on. This is one place that one does not get to choose what responses they get, lord forbid that happens because i would quit posting here if it did. I actually think that some of the people I have had snarky exchanges with in the past are people I most respect today. People need to take responsiblity for themselves...I have defended a newbie when I felt like it, but I do not think it is my responsibility to make a habitat for newbies to post in, they either see value in what exists or they do not in my opinion. Take what you need and leave the rest.

agirl -> RE: Happy Experiences vs. Problems vs. "Questions" (3/11/2007 7:34:32 AM)
Hello Susan, Well, I, for one, think that people are free to post whatever they want, about whatever they want, for as long as they want. I also realise that other people have opinions that differ GREATLY from mine and are also free to say that they think certain topics are unsuitable or daft etc......that's THEIR opinion. I'm sure that there are people for whom a message board is the only place they feel comfortable asking certain questions, but that doesn't alter the nature OF a message board or the fact that they will encounter many opinions and comments that, perhaps, they hadn't bargained for. I can't answer the question about whether people think anger is more legitimate than hurt. Do they think that? I think hurt just hurts, no matter how it's occurred and occasionally people almost line themselves up for it, and I think that anger can often be misdirected. Who knows? People get shirty or dented by all sorts of things. If someone posts about an error in judgement and is sad.......they will STILL recieve opinions and comments from whoever feels like posting about it. Again, that's the nature of a message board. People may not get beneficial comments, or productive ones ......you don't get to choose. It depends how you percieve it.........I don't see a forum as a helpline or a place to vent. I don't invest it with anything other than what it actually offers. You've mentioned people with pristine bdsm lives a few times. It isn't beholden upon anyone to post about themselves.......I don't view it as stingy .........people give what they WANT to give of themselves and some are private about their personal hurts and moments of clarity. It might be helpful to the odd person if I posted about some of my mishaps, but I don't want to do so unless I feel moved to. I don't feel obligated to, for sure. I DO understand that some people use a message board to vent and they have the freedom to do so........but to expect to receive universal understanding and kindness is misguided. You're right, not much is known about some of the people that post here when they ask questions.......that doesn't alter the environment they have ventured into and they'll get a range of advice, opinions and slaps. They will get the whole gamut. What does it matter that other people have had worse experiences than you? If they don't offer them up for public consumption they are spared exactly what you have faced on the boards. I'm certainly one of those people. Why do you assume they want to be admired...........it's possibly restraint, being selective about information and privacy. While I understand that some people might have a need to talk and write about problems and upsets.........it's still their choice and perference. I haven't found the boards here to be devoid of helpful advice and encouragement, support and information...it's full of it......along with a bit of sniping, a bit of prodding and the odd slap ............seems a bit like life to me. It might seem harsh to be told to * Grow a tougher skin* or * You're being a complete arse* but if you're out there.......in terms of laying yourself open........it's a good idea to understand that those are possible reactions and comments you'll encounter. I also think you may be mistaken in your opening, about this not being about you. I don’t think it’s ALL about you but some of it is. Regards, agirl

KatyLied -> RE: Happy Experiences vs. Problems vs. "Questions" (3/11/2007 7:36:51 AM)
quote: I do not think it is my responsibility to make a habitat for newbies to post in, I agree and will take this one step further. It is not my job to babysit adults and make sure they feel good and have wonderful newbie experiences. I am not responsible for how they react to what I say. I don't want or need that much responsibility for a stranger. It's a boundary thing. Sometimes I feel bad for people when they post about their experiences, and sometimes I chuckle, either way, they are posting it, I didn't ask them to no more than I asked to be responsible for them.

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