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comparing past sub/slaves to a new one - 3/11/2007 11:48:30 AM   
patina


Posts: 493
Joined: 9/14/2006
From: no
Status: offline 		I'm not really sure which area this goes into but i chose this one as i wanted the Masters point of view more so than a sub/slave.  Is it normal or commonplace to compare a potential sub to the prior slave/sub and for the Dom to state to that potential sub (me) that if she was to walk in the door anytime he would take her back and drop you.  I felt like ok now how am i supposed to build a trust and bond issue here with this between us.  I am asking as i am still new enough that there are some areas i don't have covered yet and past sub/slaves are one of them.  How much are we to be compared or is it like in the vanilla you don't compare the ex wife to the new one?  Thanks for the helps guys/gals, I'm pretty sure this guy is a nope not for me, but just wanting to make for sure.


patina






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RE: comparing past sub/slaves to a new one - 3/11/2007 11:56:17 AM   
Tontita


Posts: 7
Status: offline 		yeah, loose him

(in reply to patina)
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RE: comparing past sub/slaves to a new one - 3/11/2007 12:02:15 PM   
angelic


Posts: 1807
Joined: 1/24/2005
Status: offline 		i am not a Master, but am going to respond anyway. ;)  i received an e-mail yesterday from someone wanting to chat with me.  i looked at his profile and it says "i found the girl of My dreams. . . . .but she is not interested in Me".  Now, how do you think i responded to that?  LOL 

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RE: comparing past sub/slaves to a new one - 3/11/2007 12:05:11 PM   
Attendedkarma


Posts: 42
Joined: 3/6/2007
Status: offline 		i would totally get rid of him.......sorry im not Dominant either but figured i would put my 2 sence in..

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RE: comparing past sub/slaves to a new one - 3/11/2007 12:18:00 PM   
SimplyMichael


Posts: 7229
Joined: 1/7/2007
Status: offline 		Trust isn't something you SHOULD develop in a relationship, you should develop it if someone does the things that earn trust.

You could trust this person to speak their mind and he has.  I would trust him that he cares more about the other sub than you.  I would not trust him to want to keep you over his ex.

In my oh so humble opinion, I would trust that his ex left him for very good reasons.

So, if you don't mind being in a relationship where his bond with you is pretty weak then you are fine.  If however, you want to develop something deeper I don't think the ingredients are there.

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RE: comparing past sub/slaves to a new one - 3/11/2007 12:50:10 PM   
patina


Posts: 493
Joined: 9/14/2006
From: no
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: SimplyMichael


You could trust this person to speak their mind and he has.  I would trust him that he cares more about the other sub than you.  I would not trust him to want to keep you over his ex.

In my oh so humble opinion, I would trust that his ex left him for very good reasons.

So, if you don't mind being in a relationship where his bond with you is pretty weak then you are fine.  If however, you want to develop something deeper I don't think the ingredients are there.



Michael

I do not consider you or your opinions humble i value them.  I have liked your responses and enjoy your wit.  If i was skinny and 30 yrs younger i just might hit on you.   Oh well, instead i'll just read your posts.  Don't change one little bit.



to the rest who have answered so far thank you i felt that way too just was wanting reaffermation.


patina

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RE: comparing past sub/slaves to a new one - 3/11/2007 1:20:43 PM   
bayboundse


Posts: 288
Joined: 10/29/2005
From: Oak Ridge, TN
Status: offline 		patina, Do you and your Dom have a humilation relationship. Could it be his way of putting you in your place? Did you have trust before you started a relationship?
If the answer is no to any of these questions I think you are in the wrong relationship.
A Dom/Master and a sub/slave should have trust as the basic block of their relationship.
You and your Dom/Master should have had many discussions and agrements on your place in his/hers life. You would or should know if you are just a filler sub/slave or permanent part of his life. Is he/her settling on you? Are you aware that he/her is settling? Are you happy to be something settled for?

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RE: comparing past sub/slaves to a new one - 3/11/2007 1:25:37 PM   
myobedience


Posts: 472
Joined: 1/28/2007
Status: offline 		patina...ask the same question in a differnt way to the subs and slaves forum...this can go for male subs as well....
I suggest this since you are getting so many subs replying...
 
I have been an option, He could have cared less.  I am not stupid enough to think some subs leave their options open and want the old dom back....
 
I shall refrain from anything further, disrespect of any relationship is not part of my game for one can learn both positive and negative from everything in life !!

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RE: comparing past sub/slaves to a new one - 3/11/2007 4:21:32 PM   
LuckyAlbatross


Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline 		Comparing is one thing.  Specially in new relationships and still working through the baggage of the old, I think it's normal to try and process through new lenses and see where the hot/sensitive spots still remain.

Outright letting you know that you don't hold up to an ex is another.  Really shows lack of respect for the current relationship and lets you know where you stand.

While he should obviously let you know that he isn't ready yet to make a serious commitment to someone (which he obviously isn't if he's having these sorts of thoughts), I don't think it's a sign that he's a bad person, just a dork.

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RE: comparing past sub/slaves to a new one - 3/11/2007 5:43:05 PM   
ownedgirlie


Posts: 9184
Joined: 2/5/2006
Status: offline 		I think everyone makes comparisons, to some degree or another.  I know my Master at times compared me to the slave he had prior to me.  Just as I compared him to the Dominant I submitted to prior to him.  "Vanilla" relationships experience the comparison-factor, too.  How far one takes that comparison is what is important.

I personally needed a stable foundation.  With my Master I knew if I worked hard and met his requirements, I had a place with him.  He made it very clear, "Only you can affect your place with me."   Knowing I could be tossed out on a whim would not have allowed me to trust him as I came to do, and without that trust I would not have been able to fully submit to him. I know he loved his former slave very much.  And while he assured me he would not ever take her back, I always knew that if he did, I would still have my place.  I could not have asked him to own me otherwise.

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RE: comparing past sub/slaves to a new one - 3/11/2007 5:51:11 PM   
MasterFireMaam


Posts: 5587
Joined: 3/1/2006
From: Charleston, WV
Status: offline 		It's as common as it is to compare the new gf or bf to the ex-spouse. If you feel that they are expecting you to be anyone other than yourelf, you have to ask if you are feeling that you are of true importance. If no, end it. If yes, start talking about the situation and how it's making you feel.

Master Fire


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RE: comparing past sub/slaves to a new one - 3/11/2007 5:56:45 PM   
DiurnalVampire


Posts: 8125
Joined: 1/19/2006
From: Nashville, TN
Status: offline 		Its normal to compare, at least initialy. After all, youve lerned about the former, and some of the things you learned are going to carry over to the new one. The difference comes when you more ahead and past the old relationship and build a new one with the new person.  Being wife #2 I was compared to the first one often, both good and bad comparisons.  Its not a problem unless it gets in the way of what you are trying to build.

DV

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VampiresLair

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RE: comparing past sub/slaves to a new one - 3/11/2007 7:13:09 PM   
FelinePersuasion


Posts: 4792
Joined: 11/20/2004
Status: offline 		Patina, I think the best thing to do is learnt o trust your own descions, reaffirmation, can be and is nice sometimes, but you're already feeling this guys not the guy for you.  Go with it. forget what others would say about the case,because while yes, they did say he was being a dork, you feel it in your heart already.

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RE: comparing past sub/slaves to a new one - 3/11/2007 7:45:40 PM   
TemptingNviceSub


Posts: 3054
Joined: 10/1/2005
Status: offline 		There was a saying going on about here quite a few months back that struck a chord within me..I cannot remember the author, but here it goes.."Never make someone a priority when you remain their option"....I have this written down...maybe you should too.....Tempting

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RE: comparing past sub/slaves to a new one - 3/11/2007 7:56:08 PM   
feralcat


Posts: 116
Joined: 10/22/2005
Status: offline 		I agree with you Lucky...not a bad person, just a dork.

Comparing is one thing. You can't move foward if you are looking back and  cannot come  to terms with the old relationship. Never makes for a good "new" start with another.

(in reply to LuckyAlbatross)
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RE: comparing past sub/slaves to a new one - 3/11/2007 8:59:04 PM   
MagiksSlave


Posts: 2768
Joined: 9/11/2006
Status: offline 		Patina hon I beleave 100% you know the answer to this question and dont need any of us to state the abviouse here. You are looking for reashurance in the desition we can see you have already made and rightly so. It is no way to start a D/s relationship by makeing the sub feel so unsafe in her position you have no security or assurance of love because there is always that thought in the back of your mind that no matter what you do you can be out of there in a secent if she desides to return all the effort and heart you put in would make no difference. How can you build trust in a Master when you know that to be the case. But I know you already knew all that and you didnt need us to tell you that. you ask if this is accepted in the community or something along those lines but you know as well as I that it doesnt matter if the rest of us would exept these conditions if you dont feel comfertable and dont want them then if doesnt matter what the rest of the world would do because you have the right to deside for yourself that it is bull and you dont want to put your heart in such a compramisable position. You know there is no one right way so even if 50 slaves came here and told you yes this was fine if you dont feel it is fine then it isnt how YOU want to do D/s.

You have your head on straight here Hon dont doubt yourself on this one.

Magik's slave

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RE: comparing past sub/slaves to a new one - 3/11/2007 9:05:59 PM   
azzmaster


Posts: 864
Joined: 2/15/2007
Status: offline 		if he's n2 verbal humiliation, as previously stated its probably that...i think its natural to compare present to former partners, whether in a positive or negative way...personally i never bring that to a subs attention unless it a positive comparison...i have heard men i know, however, Dom or vanilla, make it clear in various ways to a woman she id not his # 1 pick. That seems to me that then the man is just stating he is incapable of getting who he really wants or keeping her once he has her. so when u think about it, its not very flattering to him.

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RE: comparing past sub/slaves to a new one - 3/11/2007 9:25:28 PM   
AquaticSub


Posts: 14867
Joined: 12/27/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: patina

I'm not really sure which area this goes into but i chose this one as i wanted the Masters point of view more so than a sub/slave.  Is it normal or commonplace to compare a potential sub to the prior slave/sub and for the Dom to state to that potential sub (me) that if she was to walk in the door anytime he would take her back and drop you.  I felt like ok now how am i supposed to build a trust and bond issue here with this between us.  I am asking as i am still new enough that there are some areas i don't have covered yet and past sub/slaves are one of them.  How much are we to be compared or is it like in the vanilla you don't compare the ex wife to the new one?  Thanks for the helps guys/gals, I'm pretty sure this guy is a nope not for me, but just wanting to make for sure.


patina







You've just been told, very bluntly, that he considers you second best (if that). I'd tell him to look elsewhere.

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Without my dominance you cannot submit. Without your submission I cannot dominate. You are my equal in this, though our roles are different.-Val

It was ok for him to beat me but then he tried to cuddle me! - Me

Member:Clan of the Scarlet O'Hair

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RE: comparing past sub/slaves to a new one - 3/11/2007 9:39:55 PM   
Misstoyou


Posts: 1149
Joined: 9/4/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: SimplyMichael

You could trust this person to speak their mind and he has. I would trust him that he cares more about the other sub than you. I would not trust him to want to keep you over his ex.



I agree. I don't think the comparison, per se, is the problem. (Probably because I've been guilty of it... on the rare occasion. lol) But the putting you on notice that if she comes back, you go certainly is. On the other hand, nice that he said it out loud, instead of keeping it in the back of his mind.

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RE: comparing past sub/slaves to a new one - 3/11/2007 11:05:33 PM   
Vendaval


Posts: 10297
Joined: 1/15/2005
Status: offline 		Hello patina,
 
I apply the same guidelines to vanilla or Kink relationships,
if the person of interest is still constantly talking about the
previous relationship, whether positive or negative, then they
have unfinished emotional issues with the previous partner.
And because they now idealize the previous relationship, you can
never measure up to that image in their mind.  I view this
as a lose-lose situation all the way around.
 
Keep learning and searching and talking and communicating.
You will find the right person for you.
 
Regards,
 
Vendaval

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So in this gray haze we'll be meating again, and on that
great day, I will tease you all the same."
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(in reply to patina)
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