SusanofO
Posts: 5672
Joined: 12/19/2005
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HUGs to everyone!  (really, I mean that) A few mere pages ago, I read things sensible things like "people should all live according to their beliefs", etc.
Like I said once before, I really do think this is one of those areas where people's personal experiences can tend to really color their beliefs (and why wouldn't they?)
And there are also (I am intuiting) people who are mouthing platitudes that they've heard conitinuously, that sound good and seem to make sense, but haven't honestly been faced with a situation where they've been very tempted to cheat (or did), or been cheated on.
It is kind of a curious phenonmenon to me that this site can have the Poly folks get along with the Monogomists okay (and at times I have perceived the theoretical values gap between those camps of folks to be pretty darn wide, and they haven't always, but mostly these days I don't here much rabid arguing about their different philosphies ).
But weirdly then, when it came to the Goreans, the shouting between those folks and the non-Goreans at one point got so loud, CM had to establish a whole separate forum for them.
I understand that I've read that there are many folks in bdsm who are not into things like "swinging", (I'm not, but some are). But I just plain don't care what other people wanna do. I've also never tried it, and I can't get horror-struck at it as a concept. It exists, and it's out there. I mean, it doesn't turn my stomach reallly, nor does it make me jump for joy. I just don't care it exists either way, really, I guess. I've heard people mention things like "swinging" on these boards, and people basically just either passed them by or didn't say much about it to them if they didn't appreciate the concept. I just plain don't care what other folks want to do, unless they are asking me personally, to do it with them (then I tell them yes or no).
My guess as to why this happens is that the word "cheating" has such "universal" connotations that it just isn't considered by many here as part of any "alternative life-style" but I do wonder why the mere mention of the word has sometimes seems to raise the hairs on people's neck more than some other topics.
I am not referring to anybody here particularly (truly I am not). I do respect many folks here who are dedicated monogamists, and I can't say for sure I'd never go back to it, as a concept. But I also am friends with some Poly folk, and I think this whole are of discussing CIAW was merely maybe meant to get folks to maybe understand better that there are people in bdsm relationships that maybe got here because at some point faced w/ a pretty tough life circumstance, as far as this question goes. This is a message board, and folks are gonna post their opinions, and they have a right to that, etc.
I also understand that some folks here have been devastated by cheaters. I think it's horrible what they went thorough, I really do. I feel bad for them. I also understand the folks who say they'd never do it, because many don't want to think there are cirumstances where they'd even contemplate it, maybe. Maybe they wouldn't either. But I don't understand why they sometimes seem to find it so difficult to imagine there are folks in circumstances where it might be one option that makes a helluva lot of sense to them.
sidenote: I don't feel particularly bad even anymore that I did it, and can't get myself to feel too riled about it anymore - as far as I am concerned, the circumstances really were just plain too weird to maybe even be of value in this conversation, and I point-blank told my husband I was gonna do it. All of that doesn' matter any more really, anyway, in my life.
But I can say that even in circumstances that might be less severe, I can understand why people might do it.
I'd never wish a bad outcome for any person I am fond of who is in a monogamous, committed relationship (or maybe even if I didn't like them, actually, although I am less sure, in that case. I haven't had to decide that lately, really). Or a Poly one (which does include an "open relationship"). But I can understand why someone would cheat, and in some cases, I'd even go so far as to say it might be how some people (who later get a divorce, possibly, or began something like an "open relationship") got their start in the bdsm world.
I will say the communication in my own marriage dwindled to the point it where it was just plain almost non-existent, and I did try to alter that situation, and eventually just got really tired of always being the one who made the "first move". In many ways, I really think it was just a personality divide that was really next to impossible to bridge, and my husband figured "well, we're married and divorce is a possible yet extremely unattractive option, so I just don't have to work very hard here. Because she's probably not going anywhere". I called his bluff, and packed my bags once, just to stop feeling taken for granted. I hadn't noticed as much, before we got married, how different from eachother we really were. And I will very much admit that after awhile, I did stop trying hard to be a good communicator, I just plain felt worn out. It wasn't all bad. We did have pleasant times, and were not always at eachother's throats.
IMO, it takes two people to make a decent relationship, whether they are married or not. If one of 'em is gonna bail on the idea of being dedicated as far as things like doing things together, talking, or sex, (bdsm sex perhaps, especially for some folks) things can really become distant. It's nice if the folks can go to a marriage counsellor, but there do exist situations where one of the folks just isn't cooperative about that idea. Eventually, the other person may start to feel just as apathetic, and bail on the idea of really attempting to make things better, too. I think the idea communication is gonna always save a relationship, as a blanket statement, just isn't true, or there might not be so many break-ups, and divorces. But I do think it might be wise to give better communication a good shot, and see where it goes. And all I can really speak to with any confidence are my own particular circumstances.
< Message edited by SusanofO -- 3/13/2007 10:56:31 AM >
_____________________________
"Hope is the thing with feathers,
That perches in the soul,
And sings the tune without the words,
And never stops at all". - Emily Dickinson
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