Collarspace Discussion Forums


Home  Login  Search 

RE: And it stops............


View related threads: (in this forum | in all forums)

Logged in as: Guest
 
All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> General BDSM Discussion >> RE: And it stops............ Page: <<   < prev  1 [2] 3   next >   >>
Login
Message << Older Topic   Newer Topic >>
RE: And it stops............ - 4/3/2005 8:21:11 PM   
mistoferin


Posts: 8284
Joined: 10/27/2004
Status: offline
quote:

erin,

The way you and your husband handled things...was quite the right way to go about it. Talking and trying to figure out how to resolve the issues. I'm curious, are the two of you still friendly? It seems that you had deep feelings for each other as well as a great deal of respect for each other and that is something that I hope you were able to transfer to a friendship.


Thank you for the compliment. Actually we have remained very good friends. The issue was not one of a lack of love or respect, quite the contrary. We both recognized that we were good people who were simply not meant to be a couple. We had children together and he has always been very involved in their lives. He had them most weekends, we shared Holidays and they were with him for the summers. Many times we still managed to get together for a dinner or a family picnic or fishing trip. He is now with a lovely woman and we have also become friends. We have shared in all decisions regarding the boys.

_____________________________

Peace and light,
~erin~

There are no victims here...only volunteers.

When you make a habit of playing on the tracks, you thereby forfeit the right to bitch when you get hit by a train.

"I did it! I admit it and I'm gonna do it again!"

(in reply to FLButtSlut)
Profile   Post #: 21
RE: And it stops............ - 4/3/2005 8:47:58 PM   
EmeraldSlave2


Posts: 3645
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Gemeni
So I guess what I am getting at is......can kink be so terribly important to someone they literally can't live without it?


I can live without kink just like I can live without reading books, but why would I choose al ife like that and why would a relationship of mine want to have me deal with that? It's a large part of my hobbies and interests.

As far as not-kink like being poly or being a slave, no I can't live without that because its who I AM. It would be as bad as making a monogamous person be in a poly relationship.

Now, if a partner of mine that was into bdsm decided not to be, we'd have lots and lots of talks about it, and likely our relationship would morph into something non-kink. But I'm poly and can enjoy vanilla relationships. As long as it wasn't the Owner doing it, I'd do ok.

And if it was the Owner, I'd be devastated on a lot of levels, but survive.

< Message edited by EmeraldSlave2 -- 4/3/2005 8:48:39 PM >

(in reply to Gemeni)
Profile   Post #: 22
RE: And it stops............ - 4/3/2005 8:58:37 PM   
Gemeni


Posts: 255
Joined: 2/19/2005
Status: offline 		I must admit that my conversations with the woman were the primary reason I now shy away from D/s in general,and prefer to just be a 'Top". Knowing that a person can be conditioned to that level of dependence bothered me greatly on a purely ethical level. And i decided I'd rather not be a contributor to that sort of thing.


So far as I know, thier parting was amicable..They were still living together until he got a house of his own-he was going to give her the one they were living in as part of the settlement. Which I considered very laudable..I have seen many so called "masters" dump a slave with no resources whatsoever-not a terribly great reward for a person who had devoted thier life to one.

But she wasn't looking forward to him moving out AND being by herself at all. In retrospect I can realize that I myself have fallen prey to these sorts of obsessive behaviors-and it required a good hard look within to sort it out. I think one needs to look at the larger picture of the society one lives within to avoid this. It's when you practice forms of social denial that you truly begin to live in little fantasy worlds.

(in reply to FLButtSlut)
Profile   Post #: 23
RE: And it stops............ - 4/3/2005 9:11:47 PM   
GentleLady


Posts: 356
Joined: 2/1/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Gemeni

I think I need to clarify. This is not about me,and a purely hypothetical situation.

So my question really is.....

What would you do if it happened to YOU?

The answer for Me is easy. I would talk to the person and make sure they understood that I require that component in My life. If they are not willing to live in a D/s relationship then I would end the relationship. This is not the right answer for many people but it is the right answer for Myself. I have learned the hard way that I would rather live alone then with a vanilla husband or boyfriend. I do however want a submissive in My life and living with Me. No matter how much I love the other person, if the relationship is not D/s in some way then I am going to be miserable and will take it out on them. I know what I need to be happy inside and will no longer settle for less then that.

Gentle Lady

_____________________________

All things are possible to those who have patience, try, and are willing to learn.

(in reply to Gemeni)
Profile   Post #: 24
RE: And it stops............ - 4/3/2005 9:17:46 PM   
Gemeni


Posts: 255
Joined: 2/19/2005
Status: offline 		Good answer Gentlelady-thank you for the upfront honesty.

(in reply to GentleLady)
Profile   Post #: 25
RE: And it stops............ - 4/3/2005 9:22:33 PM   
GentleLady


Posts: 356
Joined: 2/1/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Gemeni

And once more,hypothetically-your partner tells you that on reflection and soul searching,it has nothing to do with any self loathing...etc... but that they had gotten into this whole thing for the wrong reasons,and they simply realized it wasn't who they really are.

In other words,they have outgrown it. But here are you,in a situation where you feel you have to respect that-yet you still want to do bdsm,or D/s.

What are your priorities in this situation,kink-or them?

(I'm getting at a specific point here people,I'm waiting to see if any of you *grok* it.)
I am answering here as I read instead of reading everything and then making one answer. This has been a topic that has been on My mind for awhile as I get settled into My new life.

For Myself it would not be a matter of choosing between My 'kink' and My partner. Being Dominant is something I am...like being Female...and not something I can stop being. So the choice is really between the other person and Myself. If I am going to be true to who I am then I could not stay in the relationship because I would be being hypocritical and dishonest. I would be trying to live a lie. I can give up CBT, flogging, water sports, orgasm control, teasing, and every other 'thing' or 'kink' and still be happy so long as the basic attitudes and behaviour of a power exchange are present. D/s, for Me, is not about what we do so much as it is about what we are. We express the D/s component in the things we do together but the things themselves are not what makes the relationship D/s.

Gentle Lady


_____________________________

All things are possible to those who have patience, try, and are willing to learn.

(in reply to Gemeni)
Profile   Post #: 26
RE: And it stops............ - 4/3/2005 9:45:12 PM   
GentleLady


Posts: 356
Joined: 2/1/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Gemeni
So I guess what I am getting at is......can kink be so terribly important to someone they literally can't live without it? I know that I could if it came to that-my kink is something I do for fun-and there are many ways to enjoy a relationship. It simply puzzles me that there seem to be so many who DO see it in the sort of black and white terms that (if I can't have it,I'm gone).

So much grief seems to come from it-and we see this expressed continually in these and other forums. People going poly-due to having a vanilla partner. People rationalizing cheating,due to wanting kink a vanilla partner won't participate in. I do have to say it seems very obsessive-and I often wonder if these sorts of irrational viewpoints are even quite sane......

What say you?
Again I stress that for Myself, I can live without the 'kink' but not without the D/s aspects and power exchange. I have had three vanilla marriages and a long term vanilla relationship. I have had a couple of long-term wiitwd relationships. I have learned the hard way who I am and what I require in My life to be happy in My own skin. Loving someone and being able to live with them in a healthy relationship can be two different things. I love My first husband still but no way could I remain married to the man. Our life views were far too different for it to be a good relationship. I loved him enough to leave so he and I could both find happier lives. After 12 years of being married to Me it was the least I could do for him.

Gentle Lady


_____________________________

All things are possible to those who have patience, try, and are willing to learn.

(in reply to Gemeni)
Profile   Post #: 27
RE: And it stops............ - 4/3/2005 10:18:09 PM   
SweetDommes


Posts: 3313
Joined: 10/5/2004
Status: offline 		I have to say that no matter how your friend described the relationship and the parting, I have to agree with those who say that there must have been other problems in the relationship. A relationship like this is about trust and communications - and he obviously kept things bottled up (on this topic, even if he was open on all other topics ... which I doubt greatly) until it came to the 'bombshell moment' - that isn't indicative of a healthy relationship.

(in reply to GentleLady)
Profile   Post #: 28
RE: And it stops............ - 4/3/2005 10:35:48 PM   
Kinkypupper


Posts: 713
Joined: 9/26/2004
From: Portland oregon
Status: offline 		Find a Kink friendly phyciatrist

FAST

before you loose everything

_____________________________

Phil Moulton
A Sensual Touch
Locopony Racing
Portland Oregon

(in reply to Gemeni)
Profile   Post #: 29
RE: And it stops............ - 4/4/2005 5:36:59 PM   
Hickory


Posts: 49
Joined: 2/9/2005
Status: offline 		As a guy who is still kinda looking in from outside (and fogging up the window a bit) this situation seems like the same "how do I introduce a vanilla..." in reverse.

I see a lot of suggestions on this thread that there must be something wrong with the relationship, that psychological help is needed to "save" it, etc.

I bet the partner now consumed with "non-kinky" thoughts has been roiling and mulling and soul searching for a while, just as someone "discovering" a kinky side would, when faced with the prospect of revealing this change to their vanilla spouse. And, just as a newly hatched kinkster, was probably plagued with the same fears and self-doubt about what it would do to the relationship.

People do change. Oh, sure, once a kink (or vanilla), always a …

Phooey. People behave in all sorts of ways for all sorts of periods for all sorts of reasons. They do what they do because it meets their needs. If their needs change, so may their behavior.

How many “Wild Ones” from your youth found that special one, to whom they are now completely devoted? I have personally watched a 6’ 4”, 250lb STARK RAVING MANIAC totally tamed by one 7LB, 4OZ baby girl, and she couldn’t even get her hand all the way around this guy’s pinky (as he reminded me every time I saw him). Did he rush off to find a “brute-friendly” psychiatrist to “fix” it? No, he fell in love with his daughter, got a steady day job, became successful and is very happy.

Those that advocate communication are 100% right. With that must come a healthy dose of compassion, respect, patience and a willingness to confront what’s really holding the relationship together. If it was kink, and kink is gone, well, there you go. If it was something else, then that something else should be explored to learn how it can carry more of the relationship’s burden.

In the end, one must reach deep into oneself and decide what happiness looks like. Once you know that, the rest is just window dressing.


_____________________________

Nullum magnum ingenium sine mixtura dementia.
There is no great genius without a mixture of madness.
-Aristotle

(in reply to Kinkypupper)
Profile   Post #: 30
RE: And it stops............ - 4/4/2005 6:17:10 PM   
SweetDommes


Posts: 3313
Joined: 10/5/2004
Status: offline
quote:

I bet the partner now consumed with "non-kinky" thoughts has been roiling and mulling and soul searching for a while, just as someone "discovering" a kinky side would, when faced with the prospect of revealing this change to their vanilla spouse. And, just as a newly hatched kinkster, was probably plagued with the same fears and self-doubt about what it would do to the relationship.


But in a good relationship, it wouldn't come to a total bombshell like that. There should be some communication ... at least SOMETHING before it comes to that.

(in reply to Hickory)
Profile   Post #: 31
RE: And it stops............ - 4/4/2005 7:12:38 PM   
Hickory


Posts: 49
Joined: 2/9/2005
Status: offline
quote:

But in a good relationship, it wouldn't come to a total bombshell like that. There should be some communication ... at least SOMETHING before it comes to that.


There probably was SOMETHING, just not on the radar, or not acknowledged by one or both parties.

Many people, when confronted with feelings that are inconsistent with what they have come to perceive as "normal" will deny them to even themselves. Conversely, even when gently presented with hints, clues, etc., the "unchanged" partner may either have no idea, or also refuse to acknowledge what the "changed one" is trying to say or do.

In the film, "Pleasantville", the Joan Allen character turned "colored" and desperately tried to hide it from her husband, the Bill Macy character. At a point, though, she did confront him with it.

"It'll go away," he told her.

She looked deep into his eyes and replied, "I don't want it to go away."

Change is always scary, especially for the ones who see it happening around them, seemingly out of their control.

_____________________________

Nullum magnum ingenium sine mixtura dementia.
There is no great genius without a mixture of madness.
-Aristotle

(in reply to SweetDommes)
Profile   Post #: 32
RE: And it stops............ - 4/4/2005 8:08:32 PM   
Gemeni


Posts: 255
Joined: 2/19/2005
Status: offline 		Why is everyone here so desperately in denial that change away from "'the lifestyle"(except Hickory ,who seems to have a good head on his shoulders) is NOT neccesarily a BAD thing,and think it needs to be "fixed"?

It's like you guys are totally threatened by the idea that this Master I mentioned decided to move on,and have to label him WRONG for doing it..... Why is that? Do you think people should stay stuck in roles forever?

< Message edited by Gemeni -- 4/4/2005 8:18:40 PM >

(in reply to Hickory)
Profile   Post #: 33
RE: And it stops............ - 4/4/2005 8:19:35 PM   
onceburned


Posts: 2117
Joined: 1/4/2005
From: Iowa
Status: offline
quote:

Master I mentioned decided to move on,and have to label him WRONG for doing it..... Why is that?


I don't think any one is criticizing him for growing - it is something we all do.

My criticism is that he didn't bother to consult with his wife as doubts and misgivings grew. And then he took unilateral action without consulting her, even though it concerned something important.

I am sorry but that simply set my teeth on edge. Its okay to grow, but include your spouse in the growth process... don't simply one day start hacking with a machete.

(in reply to Gemeni)
Profile   Post #: 34
RE: And it stops............ - 4/4/2005 8:21:59 PM   
SweetDommes


Posts: 3313
Joined: 10/5/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Gemeni

Why is everyone here so desperately in denial that change away from "'the lifestyle"(except Hickory ,who seems to have a good head on his shoulders) is NOT neccesarily a BAD thing,and it needs to be "fixed"?

It's like you guys are totally threatened by the idea that this Master I mentioned decided to move on,and have to label him WRONG for doing it..... Why is that? Do you think people should stay stuck in roles forever?


Um, if you actually read what I posted, you'll see that my problem is with the fact that the relationship seemed to have other issues, since he decided to "mention" his doubts by dropping a total bombshell on her instead of discussing it with her and discussing possible options. And there is the fact that I could live without the lifestyle, but I know that my girlfriend couldn't - but that is within our relationship, and none other. Most of the people who have suggested counseling, I think have suggested it for the same reasons that I feel it should have been done - because the lack of communication indicates other problems in the relationship ... entirely separate from the BDSM and D/s aspects ... although if a D/s couple is going to counseling, it is best to find a kink-friendly therapist.

(in reply to Gemeni)
Profile   Post #: 35
RE: And it stops............ - 4/4/2005 8:24:03 PM   
Gemeni


Posts: 255
Joined: 2/19/2005
Status: offline 		Yanno people, I just know the end result..I have no idea if he really did it all at once-I just stated the way it came out.

He decided he was going to live another way,and he stuck to it. And sometimes one partner changes, and the other flat out refuses to.

At which time,you make a choice on if you will continue or not-it happens.

I just found it puzzling that the one who left the kink behind catches all of the flack,when the slave may have been just as inconsiderate of her husband's feelings as you think he was of hers..

< Message edited by Gemeni -- 4/4/2005 8:25:56 PM >

(in reply to onceburned)
Profile   Post #: 36
RE: And it stops............ - 4/4/2005 8:25:52 PM   
mistoferin


Posts: 8284
Joined: 10/27/2004
Status: offline
quote:

Do you think people should stay stuck in roles forever?


Well I guess that for me it would be alarming because I don't see "Master" or "submissive" as a role someone plays. I see it more as who a person is at their core. As I stated in my post on this thread, in my own experience I tried to "play" the role of vanilla and found out that in the long term you can't deny who you really are. So if my partner woke up one morning and decided he was now someone completely different....I would say something was wrong with him.

_____________________________

Peace and light,
~erin~

There are no victims here...only volunteers.

When you make a habit of playing on the tracks, you thereby forfeit the right to bitch when you get hit by a train.

"I did it! I admit it and I'm gonna do it again!"

(in reply to Gemeni)
Profile   Post #: 37
RE: And it stops............ - 4/4/2005 8:27:47 PM   
Gemeni


Posts: 255
Joined: 2/19/2005
Status: offline 		So what you are saying is that the core of an individual should be fixed and immutable mistoferin?

And that growth and change are WRONG?

(in reply to mistoferin)
Profile   Post #: 38
RE: And it stops............ - 4/4/2005 8:31:22 PM   
mistoferin


Posts: 8284
Joined: 10/27/2004
Status: offline 		I can and have grown and changed.....but I have always remained submissive. Could something happen to alter that somehow? Well, I really don't know....I just know that nothing has as of yet. But you can bet that if I woke up tomorrow and none of this meant anything to me anymore....I would be talking to someone.

_____________________________

Peace and light,
~erin~

There are no victims here...only volunteers.

When you make a habit of playing on the tracks, you thereby forfeit the right to bitch when you get hit by a train.

"I did it! I admit it and I'm gonna do it again!"

(in reply to Gemeni)
Profile   Post #: 39
RE: And it stops............ - 4/4/2005 8:33:31 PM   
onceburned


Posts: 2117
Joined: 1/4/2005
From: Iowa
Status: offline
quote:

He decided he was going to live another way,and he stuck to it. And sometimes one partner changes, and the other flat out refuses to.


Huh? In the situation you described, he decided he had changed. So the question really is... what are they going to do about it as a couple. I am getting the impression that you want her to sacrifice her needs simply to stay congruent with him.

Couldn't they agree to allow her to seek BDSM from a trusted Dom? After all, this ex-Master surelymust recognize that his wife still has those needs. Its not something that can just be turned off like a faucet.

(in reply to Gemeni)
Profile   Post #: 40
Page:   <<   < prev  1 [2] 3   next >   >>
All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> General BDSM Discussion >> RE: And it stops............ Page: <<   < prev  1 [2] 3   next >   >>
Jump to:





New Messages No New Messages
Hot Topic w/ New Messages Hot Topic w/o New Messages
Locked w/ New Messages Locked w/o New Messages
 Post New Thread
 Reply to Message
 Post New Poll
 Submit Vote
 Delete My Own Post
 Delete My Own Thread
 Rate Posts




Collarchat.com © 2025
Terms of Service Privacy Policy Spam Policy

0.094