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RE: And it stops............ - 4/4/2005 8:55:21 PM   
GentleLady


Posts: 356
Joined: 2/1/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Gemeni

Why is everyone here so desperately in denial that change away from "'the lifestyle"(except Hickory ,who seems to have a good head on his shoulders) is NOT neccesarily a BAD thing,and think it needs to be "fixed"?

It's like you guys are totally threatened by the idea that this Master I mentioned decided to move on,and have to label him WRONG for doing it..... Why is that? Do you think people should stay stuck in roles forever?
There was nothing in My posts that said I thought it was wrong in any way to change and need to move away from the lifestyle. People do change as the years pass and what was right for Me 20 years ago is not what is right for Me today. I, Myself, would have to end the relationship if the D/s aspects were not possible but that is solely because I know My own needs and know from practical experience that I cannot be happy without it. That is NOT the same thing as saying that people should be expected to stay the same forever (how boring if there was no growth or change). What is right for Me does NOT make the other person wrong in having different needs and acting on them.

Your original question was
quote:

What are your priorities in this situation,kink-or them?

followed by
quote:

So I guess what I am getting at is......can kink be so terribly important to someone they literally can't live without it?
....

What say you?

You asked what I would do and how I would respond. You did not ask if I thought someone was wrong for leaving the lifestyle.

Gentle Lady


_____________________________

All things are possible to those who have patience, try, and are willing to learn.

(in reply to Gemeni)
Profile   Post #: 41
RE: And it stops............ - 4/4/2005 9:12:39 PM   
GentleLady


Posts: 356
Joined: 2/1/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Gemeni

Yanno people, I just know the end result..I have no idea if he really did it all at once-I just stated the way it came out.

He decided he was going to live another way,and he stuck to it. And sometimes one partner changes, and the other flat out refuses to.

At which time,you make a choice on if you will continue or not-it happens.

I just found it puzzling that the one who left the kink behind catches all of the flack,when the slave may have been just as inconsiderate of her husband's feelings as you think he was of hers..
We do not have all the facts that are needed to form valid opinions as to who was right or wrong in this particular instance. Did he just wake up one day and decide no more kink or was this something he had been thinking about for months? It makes a difference. If he had been having doubts then he should have talked to her about what was going on in his mind. This is called communication and is essential if any relationship is going to continue. The information you posted originally implied that he had not made any attempts to discuss things with his wife prior to his announcement. It is this point that posters are reacting to and not the fact that he changed and/or chose to leave. He would have known that his decision was going to affect the way the marriage worked.

We do not know if he talked to her about what was going on or not. He might have and she might have ignored it or not understood or thought it would not last. He was not wrong to change what he needed but she is also not wrong to NOT change what she needed. And it was THEIR decision to end the marriage wasn't it?.....or did he just walk out?...or did she just walk out after he told her?.....these things make a difference in what happened and why.

Usually, if something is going wrong in a relationship the lines of communication break down. When that happens things can get bad. Marriage counsellng at this point might or might not help but at least it would have been an attempt to open the lines of communication again. Do you know whether or not this was tried after he told her that he was no longer interested in kink?

Gentle Lady


_____________________________

All things are possible to those who have patience, try, and are willing to learn.

(in reply to Gemeni)
Profile   Post #: 42
RE: And it stops............ - 4/4/2005 9:27:58 PM   
Gemeni


Posts: 255
Joined: 2/19/2005
Status: offline 		In this case the communication never broke down,as I understood it. In fact, she told me she is a very heavy masochist.

She did mention one time she wanted to do a scene where he stuck 1,000 needles in her to commemorate some event or the other-and how she was dissapointed that he only reached 830 before he quit. I'd be having second thoughts about continuing on when things got this excessive too. We hear at times of a slave leaving when the master gets to be too much to handle,and refuses to desecalate.

I think in this case,the husband pretty much just wanted to chill out, and quit going to places the slave insisted on contintuing to. some times you CAN take the edge to extremes that are just too much for someone. But I still see too many folks assuming things I never did say. This had been coming for quite some time,and the guy just finally woke up one morning, and said 'That's it. I just can't go on like this".

It's not wrong,just a mismatch.

< Message edited by Gemeni -- 4/4/2005 9:30:07 PM >

(in reply to GentleLady)
Profile   Post #: 43
RE: And it stops............ - 4/4/2005 9:48:36 PM   
GentleLady


Posts: 356
Joined: 2/1/2005
Status: offline 		That is really unfortunate that he was not able to tell her that things were getting too extreme for him. I wonder if she told him about her disappointment when he stopped the needles at 830 instead of 1,000. That would have made an excellent point to start talking right there.

And I agree that one person can want more then the other person can give. She might have pushed him too far too fast and he may need time away to regain his balance. I can sure see getting into that position. It hits all of a sudden because the thought process has been going on in the back of the mind as one becomes more and more uncomfortable. Once that point has been reached the couple do have options. They choose the option they felt was best for both of them I would assume.

Gentle Lady

_____________________________

All things are possible to those who have patience, try, and are willing to learn.

(in reply to Gemeni)
Profile   Post #: 44
RE: And it stops............ - 4/5/2005 5:35:13 AM   
EmeraldSlave2


Posts: 3645
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline 		It also sounds like that's what she is- a do-me masochist, not a submissive. I don't like playing with them for very long either since they are always needy and don't give back.

As mentioned, there's just not enough info for a full informed judgement here, but for whatever reason, if he wants to say no, she has to respect his lack of consent.

(in reply to GentleLady)
Profile   Post #: 45
RE: And it stops............ - 4/5/2005 1:32:55 PM   
srahfox


Posts: 261
Joined: 10/17/2004
Status: offline 		Ten years ago when Master and I first got together it was as a vanilla boyfriend/girlfriend. However for many years he was in control. I came with a lot of emotional baggage and he had to 'make' me deal with a lot of stuff in my life. Sexually he took all control and in our everyday life. I was terrified of little things like paying for my own gas and he would make me do these things. For those years we were happy. Then when I was better we moved on to a 'normal' life. That's what you are suppose to do right? That's what we both thought, we tried to be fair and even in everything. It just didn't work. We both loved each other very much, but neither of us was happy. We didn't believe that the other person truely loved us anymore and were willing to step away to make one anouther happy. Then about 2 years ago we 'stumbled' into BDSM. (Really it was almost an accident) Things began to get better. We both got much happier. Our sex life is better, our home life is better, everything is better. I love him more than anyone on earth. I can't stand the thought of being without him.
That having been said, I honestly can't say I could give everything up to be vanilla again. Master and I have great communication and we are constantly making sure the other is still happy, so I can't see him suddenly telling me he wants to go back to the way things were without me knowing something was up. This is very much a strong part of who I am, what makes me happy. I think that I would try my very best to be his vanilla wife, but I think eventually things would fall apart.
In relationships, rarely is anything all one partners fault, maybe the signs we there and she never saw them. Maybe he told her he was uncomfortable with how far everything was going and she blew it off and he simply couldn't take it. Maybe he wanted to know how deep her love for him went. Who knows. I do feel that they needed to take the time to talk and figure out what happened. But if she just couldn't live a vanilla life I understand why she left.

(in reply to EmeraldSlave2)
Profile   Post #: 46
RE: And it stops............ - 4/5/2005 1:35:45 PM   
EmeraldSlave2


Posts: 3645
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline 		I don't think someone's love is deeper for another because they give up their self-fulfillment. I think it's a selfish person who would want the other person to do that in the first place.

(in reply to srahfox)
Profile   Post #: 47
RE: And it stops............ - 4/9/2005 11:41:59 PM   
FLButtSlut


Posts: 344
Joined: 3/17/2005
Status: offline 		It sounds like this whole thing is about which is more important, love or lifestyle? There is no set answer to that and each person is different. So many variables come into play when making that decision and in each situation those variables are inevitably different. For some, they have developed such a bond that being apart would be far worse than giving up the lifestyle. For others, the lifestyle may BE the bond, and so separating would be the natural thing to do.

There is no right or wrong answer, no right or wrong decision. I will say that I doubt this was an "out of the blue" revelation, but more likely the signs were simply missed (or dismissed) by someone who didn't want to see or deal with them.

(in reply to EmeraldSlave2)
Profile   Post #: 48
RE: And it stops............ - 4/10/2005 6:43:22 AM   
ScooterTrash


Posts: 1407
Joined: 1/24/2005
From: Indiana
Status: offline 		Somehow, hypothetically or not, I don't see this as a "one day woke up" possibility. Many thinks differentiate a BDSM, DS or "lifestyle" relationship from a "nilla" one. In my (our) book the often mentioned cornerstones (Trust, Honesty, Communication and Respect) would make an instantaneous change like this totally impossible. The "lifestyle" is about so much more than kink because of this. So, nope, would happen to us, period. But, I suppose for various reasons there is the possibility that it may happen slowly to someone. I would have to think the solution is no more complicated than when "nilla" folks grow apart, it's time for a change, staying within a relationship for only part of the right reasons, is doomed. IMHO

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(in reply to Gemeni)
Profile   Post #: 49
RE: And it stops............ - 4/10/2005 7:25:45 AM   
ShiftedJewel


Posts: 2492
Joined: 12/2/2004
Status: offline 		I have thought about this since you first posted it. Admittedly at first I was very flippant about it, but after a lot of thought I've come to realize just how deep this question is... wow. So after putting a lot of thought into it here goes.

As so many have already stated, I would have to ask why. I would want to explore the reasons behind such a decision with my partner. If that weren't an option, if they were closed to dicussing it I would have to believe that somewhere along the line our ability to talk openly and communicate our needs to each other had suffered. No one person can take the blame for that, everyone involved is responsible. But if we got past that, if for what ever reason he decided it just wasn't for him anymore.... I have to say beyond any shadow of a doubt that I would live a 'nilla life with him. My love and devotion to him has nothing to do with kink or BDSM, I love him for who he is and would support any choice or decision he felt was best for him.

While I'm here I want to add one thing. Gemini, thank you for pointing out how important lifetime relationships are in comparison. Thank you for making me think about my own personal priorities.

Jewel

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Don't ask, trust me, you won't like the answer... no one ever does.

(in reply to Gemeni)
Profile   Post #: 50
RE: And it stops............ - 4/10/2005 4:34:55 PM   
Blk4u2


Posts: 45
Joined: 3/8/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: MistressFire70

When this happens, you have to sit and take a long hard look at yourself. What has BDSM meant to you through the course of the relationship? Has is been fun role play or has it been a cornerstone in your life? In the end, you have to decide if you can live without it. If so, stay with the one you love and be happy. If not, you owe it to yourself to move on; you'll never be fulfilled otherwise and this can eventually lead to all sorts of negative energies in your life.

I wish you the best. It is a hard journey.

Fire


I really could not have said it any better. Whatever you do, make sure that you do not try and live it behind his\her back. If your love for them is stronger than your love for BDSM, then your choice to make that sacrifice.

(in reply to MistressFire70)
Profile   Post #: 51
RE: And it stops............ - 4/10/2005 7:29:25 PM   
EmeraldSlave2


Posts: 3645
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline 		Relationships working have very little to do with "love."

If someone accused me of not loving them enough because I wouldn't stop being an owned bi poly slave, I'd think they were being very selfish for themselves. Why would they want someone THEY loved to reject who they truly are?

BDSM play is one thing, if a partner gets ill or has problems playing then you can work through that, easier for me since we are open poly. But BEING a slave/bi/poly is simply who I am and I won't deny that just because a monogamous vanilla person falls in love with me. We'd make eachother miserable.

It's nothing to do with love- everything to do with knowing who you are.

(in reply to Blk4u2)
Profile   Post #: 52
RE: And it stops............ - 4/10/2005 7:43:50 PM   
perverseangelic


Posts: 2625
Joined: 2/2/2004
From: Davis, Ca
Status: offline 		Very very very very very well put Emerald.

I was trying to figure out how to say "but it's not about my love for power exchange, it's about my -identity- as a person to be owned." It's not that I find one thing more important, it's that I -am- that thing, and no matter how much I love someone I will no more stop being that than I will stop having blue eyes.

I will say that I think you can be innactive. I am pansexual, however I am monogamous (basically). That is, I'm attracted to a whole lot of people, I am only invovled with one. I think (though I'm not sure) I have the ability (and desire) to be poly. Again, I'm monogamous. My point being -some- aspects of your personality are there, period, but can manage to not be expressed. I think this depends a lot on the person, though, and who they -are- versus what they want.

Hrm. Not sure if that makes sense. I tried,.

_____________________________

~in the begining it is always dark~

(in reply to EmeraldSlave2)
Profile   Post #: 53
RE: And it stops............ - 4/13/2005 7:08:53 PM   
Sinergy


Posts: 9383
Joined: 4/26/2004
Status: offline
quote:

One day you wake up and discover your partner no longer has any desire to do D/s,or bdsm.

They scrap the 'roles" and toss out the toys,and make it very clear that it's not working for them..And it won't be happenening with them any more,period. And nothing you can do, or say, will change that. No more bdsm,nothing, back to purely vanilla lifestyles.

What would you do?


Well, the first thing I would do is realize that my partner doing this had nothing to do with
BDSM. There is a core issue going on which is causing my partner to scrap our relationship
as it is for something new.

So I would probably find a kink-friendly therapist and go for marraige counseling to determine what the root issue is.

But thats just me, and I could be wrong.

Sinergy

_____________________________

"There is a fine line between clever and stupid"
David St. Hubbins "This Is Spinal Tap"

"Every so often you let a word or phrase out and you want to catch it and bring it back. You cant do that, it is gone, gone forever." J. Danforth Quayle


(in reply to Gemeni)
Profile   Post #: 54
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