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Mustardseed -> RE: do married guys have much luck here? (3/23/2007 6:57:02 AM)
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Now, if I understand the OPs situation correctly:- He's not getting many, if any, hits on his profile.
- He finds that having his martial status as a large part of the problem is unacceptable.
- He seems to have ignored the suggestions for a facial shot with sunglasses and a hat, a well-dressed below-the-nose shot, etc.
- A few people have posted links to sites that could help the OP, but I can't find any trace of him thanking those people, stating that he's already tried to use those sites, or even voicing an intent to do so.
- The OP seems to be assuming that honesty and integrity only concern monogomy, and that the people most appalled by his search are mongomous. While many state that they are polyamorous, the OP doesn't seem to have a response to that fact.
- He is unwilling to work with another pro-domme to try to recreate the same thrill he finds with an unpaid Domme.
Okay, so I have some questions for the OP:- Why did you marry someone who you consider to be vanilla?
- Does your wife know that a lack of kink in your relationship is a deal-breaker for you? If not, why not?
- Did your marriage vows include a promise to be faithful to your wife?
- Why, exactly, is being honest with your wife about changing your relationship with an open one -- ala some form of polyamory -- not acceptable to you?
- Why, exactly, is divorce not an option for you?
- Why don't you go back to the one FemmeDomme you claim to have played with?
- Have you and your wife sought counseling with regards to the sexual challenges in your relationship?
As far as I can tell, there are indeed resources that you can try in the meantime:- As I believe that AquaticSub keeps recommending, the book When Someone You Love is Kinky by Dossie Easton and Catherine A. Liszt could be a wonderful conversation starter between the OP and his wife if he'd just give it a try. A possible opening monologue after she's read the book:
"Honey, I know we talked about this months/years aqo, but it's not going away. I sought advice online, and it sounds as though attempting to spare you the heartache by not telling you would be worse than actually letting you know what I've been feeling. This is who I am. This is an orientation, like being straight. It's going to happen whether you engage in it with me or not, whether you approve or not, or whether you can stand to be married to me or not. I'm sorry, but I can't keep a lid on this anymore. I've tried and failed before. I've failed you, and I'm sorry. I'd love for this to be something we can share, but if not ... we've got to figure out something that will get us both to where we want to go in life whle doing the least amount of damage. If you want to talk to a counselor or a lawyer with me, just let me know. I love you, and I don't want to make things any worse between us."
- In What I know now about...LTRs by Dan Savage, one of the quotes that stuck the most firmly in my head was:
4. Be his whore. Any and all sexual requests that don't involve shit, puke, blood, kids, or posing shirtless for "arty" photos must be cheerfully fulfilled. If your boyfriend is into something you simply can't get into, you have to give him permission to do it with someone else. If your boyfriend wants to spank someone and you don't want to be spanked, you can either give him permission to spank someone else or stew over the fact that he is, without a doubt, spanking your best friend.
Granted, that goes both ways. And that's one of the dangers of being open and honest about other relationships: if you can do it, so can your partner. [:D]
- There's a wonderful book called Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay by Mira Kirshenbaum. I cannot recommend ths book highly enough to anyone who feels trapped in a relationship. It gives a series of questions (38?) to help people try to figure out if they're statistically better off deciding to stay and seriously work on the issues they're facing, or if it's most likely better to bow out gracefully and start fresh.
- My most geeky friend -- this woman reads medical abstracts and articles as a part of everyday health research -- swears by John Gottman, and recommended The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. Gottman hooked a bunch of couples up to monitors in what's become known as the Seattle Love Lab and watched them go about as close to normal day as they could under the circumstances. He monitored their vitals to figure out what stimuli put them into fight-or-flight mode, and what stimuli mellowed them out. After observing hundreds if not thousands of couples, he wrote this book.
- Since the OP seems to have a bit of a chip on his shoulder about his age relative to a lot of the people responding, I'll also recommend David Schnarch's Passionate Marriage. The book is ginormous, and I wouldn't have finished it if it weren't for the case studies. However, Schnarch suggests that there's something magical about middle and old age, that if you're married or partnered with someone by then ... then that's the person you were meant to be with. There's a bit of woo-woo in the book, and an assumption that if you're under 40 you just won't get it. However, there's at least one approach that he uses in sessions that seems to be the real agent of change, so it might help the OP out a bit.
If the OP can't be bothered to really talk to his wife -- if lying to and cheating on her is the only way that he can get a basic part of his internal make-up dealt with, I suspect that there's more wrong with their relationship than simply one of them liking kink and the other one not. If there's a lot of unfinished business between them, that could be a reason to clutch onto what sounds like an otherwise unfullfilling relationship.
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