Is it sex? Is it cheating? Is there a way?

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Is it sex? Is it cheating? Is there a way? - 3/16/2007 2:49:54 AM

corysub

Posts: 1492
Joined: 1/1/2004
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I know married men like myself tend to rationalize the things we do, but I would like to ask a question that might apply to more than a few subbies here as well.

I am happily married and for most of my life have carried myself in family and business relationships as a strong, if not macho man. However, about five years ago I saw a story about D/s dungeons in NYC that turned me on. Feeling the need for some sort of release from the pressures of the time, I went for a session with a Pro Domme and it just blew me away it was so fantastic. Turning over total control to her was such a realease. Ever since that time I have been with quite a few FemDoms's and count one of them as a good friend, although I don't see her since moving to Pennsylvania.

Ok, now the question, finally. During every one of my sessions/visits not once did I have intercourse with the woman. We did most everything else, althogh I am not into pain, but we never had penetration. On the other hand, I was taken with a strap-on quite a few times. Is this sex? Do you feel a married man who spends any time with a woman is cheating even though he loves his wife but she is vanilla and would never understand his submissive nature and possibly leave him?

What do woman think of a married man fulfilling his deepest desires and need in this way..is he really being unfaithful? It has helped me to get through some really bumpy spots in life, and it is hard for me to see any alternative since I will never leave or tell my wife. (Ducks and waits for the blows.)

Post #: 1

RE: Is it sex? Is it cheating? Is there a way? - 3/16/2007 2:59:15 AM

bandit25

Posts: 3029
Joined: 6/18/2005
Status: offline

I'm not quite sure what you want to hear. Look, if it works for you and, in your opinion, you're not having sex because there is no penetration (although it seems that there was via the strapon...I think you meant that you didn't penetrate her), then what anyone else thinks really doesn't matter now, does it?

(in reply to corysub)

Post #: 2

RE: Is it sex? Is it cheating? Is there a way? - 3/16/2007 3:07:55 AM

redsky

Posts: 228
Joined: 12/28/2006
From: UK
Status: offline

i am a 'married' woman... my husband is not my Master, nor does he know of my inner most thoughts maybe i shouldnt be posting this, i dont know, but i just wanted to kinda let you know it works the same way for some women too...wanting the life but not with their spouse.
my view?! i suppose it could be classed as cheating, but to be honest i reckon it depends on the individual, their marriage & their nature. it is in my nature to be submissive, i did try with my husband, but hes a soft caring man, not the Dominant type at all. i asked him to tie me up & do what he wanted, he did...he tied me up & went fishing! *not really, but you get my meaning* hehe!
i met my 'ex' Master once, W/we did not have intercourse, W/we more or less just got to know eachothers body....so to me, no, i dont feel its cheating.
This topic is not just a 'man' thing, i have talked to many women who like me are married and not looking for love but looking for something else...'this' just happens to be what was missing in my life.
Master Jake (my new Master) is aware of my situation, i never lie about being married, why should i? im happy...
Good luck & at the end of the day advice & opinions are all well and good but there is only you that can deal with your feelings & concience!

_____________________________

(in reply to corysub)

Post #: 3

RE: Is it sex? Is it cheating? Is there a way? - 3/16/2007 3:26:29 AM

ShiftedJewel

Posts: 2492
Joined: 12/2/2004
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I don't think the opinions of people here should matter to you. I think the question you need to ask yourself is how would your wife feel if she found out? It's her opinion that counts, not ours. Would she be devastated? Would she consider it cheating? Would she forgive you? And when you think you have those answers then you can ask yourself how you would feel if the shoe were on the other foot. How would you feel if it were your wife? Would you consider it cheating? Would you, under the same circumstances, ask for a divorce? Asking us to ease your conscience won't save your marriage and won't change what your consider your morals to be. Ask your wife what she thinks. That's your answer.

Jewel

_____________________________

Don't ask, trust me, you won't like the answer... no one ever does.

(in reply to redsky)

Post #: 4

RE: Is it sex? Is it cheating? Is there a way? - 3/16/2007 4:12:53 AM

Elorin

Posts: 970
Joined: 8/22/2004
From: San Antonio, TX
Status: offline

My opinion: If it involves dishonesty, it's cheating. That includes the "lie of omission." So yes, I would say what you are doing is cheating.

I do not think that spending time with a woman other than your wife is cheating, necessarily. It depends on how you spend that time.

Strapon play is sex, in my opinion. It's directional sex (a concept most don't share with me). I feel that when I take a guy with a strapon, he's having sex but I'm not. It is not sexual for me. But I do think it is sex. I am fucking him.

However, the term unfaithful is a difficult one. As a pro, I understand the situation you are in and how difficult it is. I work with married men as a professional, but not personally. (I don't take them as my personal submissives or play with them for free; I don't socialize with them outside of sessions.) I have a lot of sympathy for you. I think that taking into consideration how your wife would feel if she learned of your activities (not to mention the expense!) will answer the question for you of whether you are being unfaithful to her.

Good luck.

(in reply to ShiftedJewel)

Post #: 5

RE: Is it sex? Is it cheating? Is there a way? - 3/16/2007 4:29:18 AM

corysub

Posts: 1492
Joined: 1/1/2004
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I appreciate the response to my question. I failed to think about the woman like you redsky that are in the same position, torn between a strong need to serve and the love of a spouse.

To answer your question Mistress Jewel, I truly believe my wife would be devastated and would not be able to handle my submission. She is a very passive, loving, gentle, and very religious person whose mind would probably be blown away by such a revelation. I don't think she would divorce me...that is not her way, but she would show her confusion and sadness on her face everytime I looked into her eyes.

I don't think this submission of mine is an "addiction" type of problem that can be solved with rehab, for example, but a core drive within me that has been supressed for so many years, and I can't put it back in the bottle. And yes, I do feel guilty too Mistress in asking here too, probably because of my conscience.

(in reply to Elorin)

Post #: 6

RE: Is it sex? Is it cheating? Is there a way? - 3/16/2007 4:47:01 AM

hereyesruponyou

Posts: 770
Joined: 1/22/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: corysub

I know married men like myself tend to rationalize the things we do,

What do woman think of a married man fulfilling his deepest desires and need in this way..is he really being unfaithful? It has helped me to get through some really bumpy spots in life, and it is hard for me to see any alternative since I will never leave or tell my wife.

I think you already answered your own question. You know you are rationalizing something that feels wrong to you in some way. No one elses feelings really matter, it's your own conscience you have to live with. I'd say you need to weigh the guilt of releasing your submission against the feeling of hiding it and holding it in and determine which is more difficult/more important to you. By not fulfilling that side of your personality, you only hurt yourself, actually acting on your need potentially hurts you, your wife, kids if you have any and maybe other family or friends if it comes out. Both choices will affect who you are though and therefore have some affect on the rest of your life. I've been in the situation myself and it's a personal choice that really sucks.

From a wife's perspective i will say i have always felt that if my man has needs (sexual etc) that i can not meet, it would hurt to know he had those met by someone else, but if that is their only real connection, i could live with it. It's the part of "you" that you may give away to someone else that would really hurt. ie. to me you going to a pro-domme would not be as bad as you having a mistress you regularly submit to and have a relationship with. Totally my opinion, really my feelings.

(in reply to corysub)

Post #: 7

RE: Is it sex? Is it cheating? Is there a way? - 3/16/2007 4:49:23 AM

Lashra

Posts: 4900
Joined: 2/9/2006
Status: offline

I think you should tell your wife about fantasies and your submissive nature. Not all women will run screaming, some of us actually adore submissive men, I know that I do. But I think she needs to know because yes you are cheating and lying to her and that will hurt her badly. Its much better for her to hear it from you then perhaps someone else.

Many people love BDSM and there are alot more submissive men/Dominant women out there than people realize. The scening and sex can be mind blowing, as well as addicting. Keep that in mind once you start down this path it is extremely hard to back up and start all over.

Communication is the key so you two need to get talking.

~Lashra

_____________________________

“We can never judge the lives of others, because each person knows only their own pain and renunciation. It's one thing to feel that you are on the right path, but it's another to think that yours is the only path.”

(in reply to corysub)

Post #: 8

RE: Is it sex? Is it cheating? Is there a way? - 3/16/2007 4:53:05 AM

LadyIce

Posts: 406
Joined: 7/4/2006
Status: offline

If you can NOT tell your wife, then yes you are cheating.
Sorry to be the one to have to tell you.

(in reply to corysub)

Post #: 9

RE: Is it sex? Is it cheating? Is there a way? - 3/16/2007 5:07:14 AM

MsSonnetMarwood

Posts: 1898
Joined: 2/10/2005
From: Eastern Shore, Maryland
Status: offline

If your wife was seeing a man on the side who was tying her up and fucking her up the ass....would she be cheating on you? After all, he wasn't penetrating her vagina.

Or is anal sex only "not sex" if it's a dildo rather than a penis?

_____________________________

~Ms. Sonnet Marwood~

Deja Moo: The feeling you've heard this bull somewhere before.

(in reply to LadyIce)

Post #: 10

RE: Is it sex? Is it cheating? Is there a way? - 3/16/2007 5:14:11 AM

MissyRane

Posts: 1032
Joined: 5/11/2005
Status: offline

It's called cheating..can't beleive you're even asking

(in reply to MsSonnetMarwood)

Post #: 11

RE: Is it sex? Is it cheating? Is there a way? - 3/16/2007 5:27:50 AM

MsCfromMelbourne

Posts: 777
Joined: 2/15/2007
Status: offline

cory, there is a similar thread running over at General Discussions about
"Do married Guys have any Luck here?"
http://www.collarchat.com/m_892968/mpage_5/tm.htm

The chap who posted that question has been flamed to a cinder.

There's a rule when you cheat: never, ever admit anywhere that you did it.

It is wrong but you have chosen to do it for your own reasons. No-one can tell you it is right. Its is wrong

But you know.....some mistakes are too much fun to only make once

What can I say? You are not the first person to make the moral choice you made. Don't hurt your wife by letting her find out. Hide your secret from everyone and take it to the grave with you.

And be careful not to expose your wife to herpes, hepatitis or any other unfortunate illness. Avoiding kissing and vaginal penetration is a good start, but some men perform unprotected oral sex on pro-dommes. Be more careful than that.

< Message edited by MsCfromMelbourne -- 3/16/2007 5:33:13 AM >

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(in reply to MissyRane)

Post #: 12

RE: Is it sex? Is it cheating? Is there a way? - 3/16/2007 5:34:46 AM

corysub

Posts: 1492
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: MsSonnetMarwood

If your wife was seeing a man on the side who was tying her up and fucking her up the ass....would she be cheating on you? After all, he wasn't penetrating her vagina.

Or is anal sex only "not sex" if it's a dildo rather than a penis?

I really appreciates the insightful answers and your time to respond to this post.

You are all right, of course. I knew the answers I would get before I even posted such a dumb question. I do feel guilty and I guess have to figure out my own path
and wrestle with my inner feelings.

(in reply to MsSonnetMarwood)

Post #: 13

RE: Is it sex? Is it cheating? Is there a way? - 3/16/2007 6:43:00 AM

MissSCD

Posts: 1185
Joined: 3/10/2007
Status: offline

I am from the old school and speak my mind on these type issues.
First, I understand your need for this in your life. We can all probably understand that, but it does not justify you cheating on your wife emotionally and physically.
Sex is sex.
Just remember Bill Clinton, "I did not have sex with that woman." We all know he did.
Sometimes, we need straight talk, and I believe you are too good of a man to let yourself down like this.

Regards,

MissSCD

(in reply to Elorin)

Post #: 14

RE: Is it sex? Is it cheating? Is there a way? - 3/16/2007 7:12:23 AM

silentrunner

Posts: 7
Joined: 3/9/2007
Status: offline

I understand what you are saying. I went through a similiar emotional crisis awhile ago (no sex but conflicting thoughts that preyed on my mind constantly regarding marriage and submission). While stumbling about with no direction, by dumb luck, I found a woman in this lifestyle who is absolutely wonderful, caring and knowledgeable about such matters. If you like, we can talk via email.

If not, good luck. Without the right guidance, your situation will only get worse.

(in reply to corysub)

Post #: 15

RE: Is it sex? Is it cheating? Is there a way? - 3/16/2007 9:18:12 AM

ShiftedJewel

Posts: 2492
Joined: 12/2/2004
Status: offline

quote:

To answer your question Mistress Jewel, I truly believe my wife would be devastated and would not be able to handle my submission. She is a very passive, loving, gentle, and very religious person whose mind would probably be blown away by such a revelation. I don't think she would divorce me...that is not her way, but she would show her confusion and sadness on her face everytime I looked into her eyes.

Being able to handle your submission wasn't my question, how would she handle the fact that you are seeing another woman and receiving sexual gratification from her? Maybe you don't see it as sexual, but replace the strapon with a man, would it be sex then? The emotional intimacy is just as difficult for the unknowing spouse to deal with.

You don't want to hurt her yet you come here looking for some sort of validation for what you are feeling and doing. You know beyond any shadow of a doubt that she would be mortified if she found out about your visits to a pro-domme, but that doesn't sound like it's stopping you.

It's time to be honest, with her and yourself. Which would you rather live without, her or your kink? Cuz' it doesn't sound like you're gonna get to keep both. Relationships of any kind are (or should be) about honesty, trust, respect and communication and yours is sorely lacking in all of them.

I'm not condemning you or your desires, just the way you go about getting them fulfilled. Yes, I've been there, stuck in a relationship where my desire for the lifestyle was far from being met. I'm no longer in that relationship, I'm in a far better one now. I've also been the unknowing spouse. Finding out that your trust and respect was violated like that... it sucks... bad. Do yourself and your wife a favor, decide what it is that you truly need in your life and follow through with it. Like they say, it's all fun and games 'till someone gets hurt.

Jewel

_____________________________

Don't ask, trust me, you won't like the answer... no one ever does.

(in reply to corysub)

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RE: Is it sex? Is it cheating? Is there a way? - 3/16/2007 10:41:11 AM

thetammyjo

Posts: 6322
Joined: 9/8/2005
Status: offline

Only one opinion on this matters: Your parnters.

If she thinks it is cheating, it is cheating.

You will have to deal with the consequences of that.

The best approach in my strong opinion is that people need to communicate and negotiate even in vanilla relationships. This woud get rid of most of the reasons for cheating and lying.

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Check out my website at http://www.thetammyjo.com Or www.tammyjoeckhart.com

And my LJ where I post fiction in progress if you "friend" me at http://thetammyjo.livejournal.com/

(in reply to corysub)

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RE: Is it sex? Is it cheating? Is there a way? - 3/16/2007 11:31:27 AM

SweetDommes

Posts: 3313
Joined: 10/5/2004
Status: offline

If you're hiding what you are doing, then obviously, on some level, you think it's wrong. And let me assure you that eventually, no matter how carefully you hide it, your wife will find out. The longer you let it go on without telling her, the more devistating it will be to her.

And for the record, anal SEX is, indeed, sex (see, it's there in the name ... really ... look at it and see for yourself). Strapon or the real thing, anal sex is still anal sex.

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Miss Karen and Miss Holly

Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.

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(in reply to thetammyjo)

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RE: Is it sex? Is it cheating? Is there a way? - 3/16/2007 4:40:26 PM

blmtrsne

Posts: 201
Joined: 6/29/2004
Status: offline

If you hide it for Her, it's cheating. If she agrees to it, it's not.

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(in reply to bandit25)

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RE: Is it sex? Is it cheating? Is there a way? - 3/16/2007 4:46:19 PM

Araven

Posts: 149
Joined: 3/16/2006
Status: offline

I'm going to go ahead and chime in here and agree with what everybody else has said. Its cheating when you fail to tell your partner how you feel. I think a person owes at the very least to somebody who they vowed to marry the common coursety of telling them their desires and wants.

Granted these can change with time, but none the less.. communication, honesty, and trust are important cornerstones in any relationship. When one of these pillars fail, the relationship has failed and probably should be ended in my opinion. It really is about communicating to your partner what you want.

And I also believe anal sex to be sex. Penetration is penetration.. whether you are doing it to somebody or somebody is doing it to you.

(in reply to blmtrsne)

Post #: 20

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