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The hurdles of transprency!! - 3/19/2007 5:14:55 PM   
leakylee


Posts: 747
Joined: 7/2/2004
Status: offline 		Wheww!! Isnt this a tough one? I actually thought about putting thing in the submissive board, but then I thought better of that.

A couple of recent posts, plus a recent email have gotten me to thinking. Our abliity to be transparent can reallllllly have a serious effect on our relationships. Well it has mine. I know that it is something that I still continue to struggle with. There are certain levels that I will open right up on, but there are those others that still remain closed.

The ones that I have always been been responsible for are the tricky lil' monsters.

So my question, to my fellow submissives,  is how did you, how do you, open those tricky spots?

To dominants how do you encourange, reassure, (i dont think i am getting the wording right here) in those areas that dont come avaiable so easily?

Now it is true, that being single this is 100%, but you might call it a bit of proactive improvement in a somewhat stubborn area of self..

thank you for your responses

lee


_____________________________

I am so not right, that I left..
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RE: The hurdles of transprency!! - 3/19/2007 5:18:31 PM   
Quivver


Posts: 1953
Joined: 11/27/2004
Status: offline 		The first thought that went through my mind was when I do touch on one of those tender but transparent moments it's then that I can be easily wounded.  Because of being aware of that in myself what I've learned is to watch for the reaction and subsequent actions that follow from the Dominant I've opened myself up to. 
I find it a good measure of fit. 


_____________________________

The problem with communication ... is the illusion that it has been accomplished. ~George Bernard Shaw

(in reply to leakylee)
Profile   Post #: 2
RE: The hurdles of transprency!! - 3/19/2007 5:23:21 PM   
leakylee


Posts: 747
Joined: 7/2/2004
Status: offline 		Thank you Quivver,

That wounded thing is one of the things that makes it so hard at times. Opening it all to the vulnerability.


_____________________________

I am so not right, that I left..

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RE: The hurdles of transprency!! - 3/19/2007 5:27:43 PM   
unsung


Posts: 183
Joined: 12/23/2006
Status: offline 		[quick reply]

I don't anymore unless I meet a person face to face.  I have found that more times than not my thoughts were played and I did and do not like that.  This a reason LDR are not for me, although at one time I believed a strong enough bond could hold attention but discovered otherwise.

I enjoy in depth conversation and usually to allow myself transparency I normally just go with the flow of the conversation, much transparency I find is actually in what is not said through words (again a reason LDR are not extremely viable to me).

I think if you want to be transparent you will be as your trust with the other grows.  imho of course.

< Message edited by unsung -- 3/19/2007 5:29:25 PM >

(in reply to Quivver)
Profile   Post #: 4
RE: The hurdles of transprency!! - 3/19/2007 5:42:44 PM   
mstrjx


Posts: 2045
Joined: 11/27/2005
Status: offline 		One of the things that you need to consider is that in the hands of a 'trained professional' (yes, with tongue somewhat in cheek) that you are already more transparent than you think.  Even before an onset of a relationship, I have been able to tell people things about themselves that are not common knowledge.  It provides a more instant connection, but it also makes for a very eerie feeling for the submissive involved.

Fortunately for the people who have dealt with me in the past (either in relationships or ones that never got started) I don't abuse this 'power'.  Frankly, if we aren't in a relationship I could know your Social Security number and I wouldn't misuse it because I just wouldn't 'care' enough to know any longer.  Naturally not all people are so honest.

But transparency within a relationship can still become an issue.  If you withhold something from a Dom(me)/Master/Mistress/owner about yourself then you are basically saying (out loud or not) that your trust is insufficient.  The hot buttons you are keeping from your d-type are probably just the thing they need to know the most.

Last I checked, I'm a hetero male.  (Let me check again.  Ooh, that's nice.)  That makes my partners women.  I 'thought' that in general women are more apt to be communicative than men.  What I have found, however, is that sometimes submissive women really have a difficult time communicating, even when it is for the benefit of the relationship.  Why?  Why sabotage what is probably a really good thing for you?

Submission is a journey, and sometimes it's fraught with peril.  But if I recall my BDSM 101 (not the book, just the life) that is why your partner is supposed to be your 'guide'.  Trust.  Trust completely, and fully.  Yeah, I'm pretty good at knowing what's inside your head and heart, but admittedly not 100% of the time.  If I'm missing something at a really vital junction, you have to let me (us) know.

Jeff

_____________________________

Know thyself. It's the best gift you can ever give yourself.

(in reply to leakylee)
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RE: The hurdles of transprency!! - 3/19/2007 5:45:34 PM   
Vendaval


Posts: 10297
Joined: 1/15/2005
Status: offline 		I am not sure what you mean by "transparency", leakylee?
 

_____________________________

"Beware, the woods at night, beware the lunar light.
So in this gray haze we'll be meating again, and on that
great day, I will tease you all the same."
"WOLF MOON", OCTOBER RUST, TYPE O NEGATIVE


http://KinkMeet.co.uk

(in reply to leakylee)
Profile   Post #: 6
RE: The hurdles of transprency!! - 3/19/2007 5:48:23 PM   
missturbation


Posts: 8290
Joined: 2/12/2006
From: another planet
Status: offline 		So my question, to my fellow submissives,  is how did you, how do you, open those tricky spots?
I don't for the most part and certainly not on here. I'm very honest and open about most things but there are certain things i keep very much to myself nowadays.

_____________________________

What you don't witness with your eyes, don't witness with your mouth. Proverb.

If it fit's in a toaster, i can cook it.

Buying 10 item's or less is not shopping !!

(in reply to leakylee)
Profile   Post #: 7
RE: The hurdles of transprency!! - 3/19/2007 5:50:26 PM   
mstrjx


Posts: 2045
Joined: 11/27/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Vendaval

I am not sure what you mean by "transparency", leakylee?
 


From 'Slavecraft' and other sources, the 'Principle of Transparency' basically says that anything that is in (in this case) a slave's mind, that a master/mistress/owner has the right (and the need) to know.  100%.

Hopes, fears, wishes, fantasies, murderous thoughts.  The d-type wants, needs and expects to get it all.

_____________________________

Know thyself. It's the best gift you can ever give yourself.

(in reply to Vendaval)
Profile   Post #: 8
RE: The hurdles of transprency!! - 3/19/2007 5:55:44 PM   
LuckyAlbatross


Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline 		Time, security, and good old fashioned hard work and practice. 

Communication is a SKILL, unless you were born gifted, it's something we must be taught and most of us are not taught anything near decent communication skills.

Skills need time to grow and develop, and this skill needs security in order to grow as well.  If you don't have a stable foundation, then nothing else will matter.

IMO honestly "transparency" is only an issue in a relationship when something else is wrong or when someone doesn't know how to communicate.  Otherwise, it's not really something you have to think about.

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to mstrjx)
Profile   Post #: 9
RE: The hurdles of transprency!! - 3/19/2007 6:04:02 PM   
Celeste43


Posts: 3066
Joined: 2/4/2006
From: NYS
Status: offline 		Time and trust in a relationship slowly opens you to more and more vulnerability. We're almost four years together and I'm not there yet. I'm not sure I'll ever be fully open. It's a slow progress that doesn't come from focusing on it but from just living together. The epiphanies seem to happen during every day activities.

(in reply to LuckyAlbatross)
Profile   Post #: 10
RE: The hurdles of transprency!! - 3/19/2007 6:28:53 PM   
CreativeDominant


Posts: 11032
Joined: 3/11/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: leakylee

Wheww!! Isnt this a tough one? I actually thought about putting thing in the submissive board, but then I thought better of that.

A couple of recent posts, plus a recent email have gotten me to thinking. Our abliity to be transparent can reallllllly have a serious effect on our relationships. Well it has mine. I know that it is something that I still continue to struggle with. There are certain levels that I will open right up on, but there are those others that still remain closed.

The ones that I have always been been responsible for are the tricky lil' monsters.

So my question, to my fellow submissives,  is how did you, how do you, open those tricky spots?

To dominants how do you encourange, reassure, (i dont think i am getting the wording right here) in those areas that dont come avaiable so easily?

Now it is true, that being single this is 100%, but you might call it a bit of proactive improvement in a somewhat stubborn area of self..

thank you for your responses

lee



Time...and trust...and even then, you will need to open up about something that does not have the ability to wound that other things do and see how he handles it.  Plus...even once you start opening up, do not overwhelm him in your eagerness to share with someone you can finally trust to open up to.

(in reply to leakylee)
Profile   Post #: 11
RE: The hurdles of transprency!! - 3/19/2007 6:50:13 PM   
Vendaval


Posts: 10297
Joined: 1/15/2005
Status: offline 		Thank you for the explanation, mstrjx.

_____________________________

"Beware, the woods at night, beware the lunar light.
So in this gray haze we'll be meating again, and on that
great day, I will tease you all the same."
"WOLF MOON", OCTOBER RUST, TYPE O NEGATIVE


http://KinkMeet.co.uk

(in reply to mstrjx)
Profile   Post #: 12
RE: The hurdles of transprency!! - 3/19/2007 7:01:59 PM   
jauntyone


Posts: 543
Joined: 2/27/2007
From: Anchorage Alaska
Status: offline
quote:

So my question, to my fellow submissives,  is how did you, how do you, open those tricky spots?

hello leakylee
 
Master still continues to pry open areas that even i am unaware are closed off  We have only been together 4 years and yet, every day something new is discovered. I do know that without Master's patience I would never have come as far as I have come. It just takes time is all; time and patience on both ends.
 
melissa

(in reply to leakylee)
Profile   Post #: 13
RE: The hurdles of transprency!! - 3/19/2007 7:02:28 PM   
catize


Posts: 3020
Joined: 3/7/2006
Status: offline 		I really do not ‘get’ the transparency issue.  There are many things that master doesn’t want or need to know, nor is he a mind reader.  If there is something that concerns or impacts our relationship, I tell him. 
He may intuit some things, but there is a helluva lot about myself that no other human being is aware of.
I am stubbornly opaque with everyone; family, and friends as well as master. I cannot fathom how anyone can ‘know’ another person completely.  I do not see how that is possible or why it would be deemed necessary. 

_____________________________

"Power is real. But it's a lot less real if it's not perceived as power."
Robert Parker, Stranger in Paradise

(in reply to leakylee)
Profile   Post #: 14
RE: The hurdles of transprency!! - 3/19/2007 7:13:04 PM   
juliaoceania


Posts: 21383
Joined: 4/19/2006
From: Somewhere Over the Rainbow
Status: offline 		I know logically that I am supposed to be transparent. I try to be transparent. I want to be transparent. I still fall short of being transparent. Do I feel badly about this? No, I do not. I think that transparency takes years to achieve. I do not think that often we even know we are hiding things. I think that I discover more about myself all the time, and it is hard to share those things with another if one does not know it is within themselves in the first place.

I would love to be completely transparent. It is a goal. I am attempting to be this way, but I am patient with myself, and he is patient with me. It will happen in due course

_____________________________

Once you label me, you negate me ~ Soren Kierkegaard

Reality has a well known Liberal Bias ~ Stephen Colbert

Great minds discuss ideas; Average minds discuss events; Small minds discuss people. Eleanor Roosevelt

(in reply to leakylee)
Profile   Post #: 15
RE: The hurdles of transprency!! - 3/19/2007 7:24:26 PM   
mstrjx


Posts: 2045
Joined: 11/27/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: catize

I really do not ‘get’ the transparency issue.  There are many things that master doesn’t want or need to know, nor is he a mind reader.  If there is something that concerns or impacts our relationship, I tell him. 
He may intuit some things, but there is a helluva lot about myself that no other human being is aware of.
I am stubbornly opaque with everyone; family, and friends as well as master. I cannot fathom how anyone can ‘know’ another person completely.  I do not see how that is possible or why it would be deemed necessary. 


I apologize in advance.  I don't know you, your Master, your situation.

If I didn't try to know my charge that intimately, I would find myself uncaring and/or lazy.

If my charge would not make any effort for me to understand her better, I would find her obtuse and uncooperative.

I cannot imagine the 'quality' (or more likely, lack) of the relationship.  There certainly couldn't attempt to be any sort of power exchange.

Jeff

_____________________________

Know thyself. It's the best gift you can ever give yourself.

(in reply to catize)
Profile   Post #: 16
RE: The hurdles of transprency!! - 3/19/2007 7:49:06 PM   
TemptingNviceSub


Posts: 3054
Joined: 10/1/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: LuckyAlbatross

Time, security, and good old fashioned hard work and practice. 

Communication is a SKILL, unless you were born gifted, it's something we must be taught and most of us are not taught anything near decent communication skills.

Skills need time to grow and develop, and this skill needs security in order to grow as well.  If you don't have a stable foundation, then nothing else will matter.

IMO honestly "transparency" is only an issue in a relationship when something else is wrong or when someone doesn't know how to communicate.  Otherwise, it's not really something you have to think about.
I have to agree with LA on this one..especially the buzz words that stood out to me ,such as..time,growth,development,stable foundation...Tempting

(in reply to LuckyAlbatross)
Profile   Post #: 17
RE: The hurdles of transprency!! - 3/19/2007 8:11:56 PM   
leakylee


Posts: 747
Joined: 7/2/2004
Status: offline 		First of all let me say sorry to everyone. I didnt mean to stay logged on. Was off and forgot to 'x' out.

mstrjx,
You hit on a few things. That ability to sense things is always a good thing, but sometimes the roadblocks come up. I wonder to if we also make things harder. The trust issue has got to be the biggest henederence. I mean personally I know that it is a responsibility (if you want to put it those words) for us to be all open and viewable, but sometimes it just like pulling bloody teeth.

lee

_____________________________

I am so not right, that I left..

(in reply to mstrjx)
Profile   Post #: 18
RE: The hurdles of transprency!! - 3/19/2007 8:15:48 PM   
leakylee


Posts: 747
Joined: 7/2/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: mstrjx

quote:

ORIGINAL: Vendaval

I am not sure what you mean by "transparency", leakylee?
 


From 'Slavecraft' and other sources, the 'Principle of Transparency' basically says that anything that is in (in this case) a slave's mind, that a master/mistress/owner has the right (and the need) to know.  100%.

Hopes, fears, wishes, fantasies, murderous thoughts.  The d-type wants, needs and expects to get it all.



Vendaval,

That definition is pretty much right on target.

lee

_____________________________

I am so not right, that I left..

(in reply to mstrjx)
Profile   Post #: 19
RE: The hurdles of transprency!! - 3/19/2007 8:21:14 PM   
leakylee


Posts: 747
Joined: 7/2/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: TemptingNviceSub

quote:

ORIGINAL: LuckyAlbatross

Time, security, and good old fashioned hard work and practice. 

Communication is a SKILL, unless you were born gifted, it's something we must be taught and most of us are not taught anything near decent communication skills.

Skills need time to grow and develop, and this skill needs security in order to grow as well.  If you don't have a stable foundation, then nothing else will matter.

IMO honestly "transparency" is only an issue in a relationship when something else is wrong or when someone doesn't know how to communicate.  Otherwise, it's not really something you have to think about.
I have to agree with LA on this one..especially the buzz words that stood out to me ,such as..time,growth,development,stable foundation...Tempting


Tempting, LA,

thank you both, I do agree with both of you. The buzz words also stand out with me. But I am curious though, arent there areas where even the most skilled of commincators hesistate? Where they trip up here and there?

lee

_____________________________

I am so not right, that I left..

(in reply to TemptingNviceSub)
Profile   Post #: 20
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