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I have a question - 3/23/2007 11:24:24 AM   
springman30


Posts: 5
Joined: 9/7/2006
Status: offline 		I would like to pose a question to all members of this lifestyle, Dom/me and Submissive alike. Sorry if this becomes a novel, but I will give you a little background information first.
Last Summer I had a friend approach me, asking if I would show her around the 'swing' lifestyle. She has known I had been in that lifestyle in the past, and wanted me to be her protector and mentor. So after a hiatus I reentered the lifestyle again and helped her explore her sexuality. Throughout the Summer we went to clubs, and even posted a profile on a lifestyle site, and became friends with a few couples.

Then Fall arrives, and I met a lovely Submissive woman from this site. She was everything anyone could ask for, beautiful, smart, witty, and a little bit of a painslut. She accepted a training collar in late Fall and I was the happiest of Doms. From that time I forsake all other lifestyles and devoted myself to my Submissive. We have become as close as anyone could, friends, lovers, ect.

I had told my friend about my submissive and that my submissive would come first before anything. The friend wasn’t overly happy but understood, and we haven’t played together with anyone from that site since Fall. I didn’t take the site down as it was a joint profile and my friend liked to go there from time to time and chat with friends we had made from there.

I have always been open and honest with her, and never lied to her. Anything she asks of me I answer to the best of my knowledge. Since we have been together since Fall, we are still in the discovery area, learning about each others lives.  I wasn’t proud of that site so yes I didn’t tell her of it, as it was something that happened before we met. Did I plan on telling her, yes of course, she seemed to be very open about a lot of things. Then the unfortunate day my Submissive finds the site. She now wants to end our relationship because she thinks I have been playing on that site all along. She says she doesn’t trust me any more, but she hasn’t given me the opportunity to tell her my side.

My questions:

Is it unreasonable to end a relationship on assumption?

Is it so wrong that I did not tell her of that site, even if it was before we met?

I’m at whit’s end and confused, any reasonable comments and advice will be welcomed.
Thank you guys for your time.
Profile   Post #: 1
RE: I have a question - 3/23/2007 11:31:08 AM   
JSin


Posts: 40
Joined: 3/10/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: springman30
My questions:

Is it unreasonable to end a relationship on assumption?

Is it so wrong that I did not tell her of that site, even if it was before we met?

I’m at whit’s end and confused, any reasonable comments and advice will be welcomed.
Thank you guys for your time.


To me at least after 6 months it should have been discussed. You claimed you were open and honest about everything but were not proud of the site... Guess what you weren't open and honest about something which I think you knew could be a time bomb..The fact that she found it and you had hidden it from her gives her every reason to believe that it was being hidden for a reason. So in essence you decieved her by omission.I think something like this could be overcome but the damage to her trust likely could take months or years to heal. In a 6 month old relationship it sounds like she has simply decided her investment is not large enough when balanced against the risk that you had been decieving her.

JSin

(in reply to springman30)
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RE: I have a question - 3/23/2007 11:32:32 AM   
LuckyAlbatross


Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline
quote:

Did I plan on telling her, yes of course, she seemed to be very open about a lot of things. Then the unfortunate day my Submissive finds the site. She now wants to end our relationship because she thinks I have been playing on that site all along. She says she doesn’t trust me any more, but she hasn’t given me the opportunity to tell her my side.

My questions:

Is it unreasonable to end a relationship on assumption?

Generally no, but there isn't an assumption here- there is a part of you life which you did not share with her.  You and her both know this now.
quote:


Is it so wrong that I did not tell her of that site, even if it was before we met?

It is TO HER and she's the one making the decision here.

IMO yes it was stupid of you not to have brought it up before now.  But not a big deal, stop defending and justifying your lack of judgement, honestly admit you didn't think it was a big deal and spill EVERYTHING now.
quote:


I’m at whit’s end and confused, any reasonable comments and advice will be welcomed.
Thank you guys for your time.

wit

Welcome to your First Big Relationship Issue together.  You have learned something you didn't think you would, you are upset, she is upset.  You both have to decide whether what you are upset about it worth working through together or not AND whether working together will mean feeling like you've sacrificed a value you find important or not.

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

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(in reply to springman30)
Profile   Post #: 3
RE: I have a question - 3/23/2007 11:37:08 AM   
FukinTroll


Posts: 6277
Joined: 2/6/2007
From: Under a bridge
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: springman30

My questions:

Is it unreasonable to end a relationship on assumption?


Happens a lot.

quote:

Is it so wrong that I did not tell her of that site, even if it was before we met?


Hmmm... it isn't like an abscessed tooth. That is a definitive part of your lifestyle and you need to look at what she is thinking. More importantly what would you be thinking? An assumption is the mother of all fuk~ups, but she is looking at your swinging as a possible indicator of what could come. Will you be adding girls? Will you be introducing her to swing? It is something that should have been communicated up front.
quote:

I’m at whit’s end and confused, any reasonable comments and advice will be welcomed.


Have you outlined your life together for here? Got her input? Are you going to be able to go from swing to the parameters of the lifestyle in which she believes she is entering?

quote:

Thank you guys for your time.


You bet ya!


_____________________________

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RE: I have a question - 3/23/2007 11:39:12 AM   
WilliamWizer


Posts: 223
Joined: 3/19/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: springman30

Is it unreasonable to end a relationship on assumption?

Is it so wrong that I did not tell her of that site, even if it was before we met?

I’m at whit’s end and confused, any reasonable comments and advice will be welcomed.
Thank you guys for your time.


Some time ago I had an online submisive and I made the same mistake. she found my profile and it toke me a couple months to regain her trust.
If you were so open and honest why didn't you tell that?
no, you don't need to answer the question I already know because I made the same mistake but think about it.

_____________________________

There's only two rules for a sub:
- she can do anything her Master didn't forbid her.
- she only needs to do what her Master told her to do.

(in reply to springman30)
Profile   Post #: 5
RE: I have a question - 3/23/2007 11:45:35 AM   
BBBTBW


Posts: 836
Joined: 5/21/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: springman30



My questions:

Is it unreasonable to end a relationship on assumption?

Is it so wrong that I did not tell her of that site, even if it was before we met?

I’m at whit’s end and confused, any reasonable comments and advice will be welcomed.
Thank you guys for your time.



1. Yes, it is unreasonable to end a relationship on an assumption. However, she may feel justified because you hide an aspect of your life albeit dormant, it is still active on one side. You should have told the other lady to make a new profile.

2. Yes, it was wrong to with hold this information. You were fully aware that your other lady friend was still using the account thus making you guilty by association and omission. Part of getting to know someone, is getting to know their past. If this was a dormant account that you forgot about, that would have been one thing but since it wasn't you are guilty of with holding pertinent information.

_____________________________

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(in reply to springman30)
Profile   Post #: 6
RE: I have a question - 3/23/2007 11:46:36 AM   
PlayfulOne


Posts: 1047
Status: offline 		Silly question on my part.  Why didn't you have that profile rewritten to remove you from it?  Your friend didn't need you on the profile so she could visit it and chat with others you knew there. 

The statment "I'm not proud of it" (being on the site) is in direst conflict with the fact yoiu did nothing to remove yoiurself from it.  Very  simple thing to have the other profile rewritten to remove you or mention that you and your frie4nd were no longer playing together.

K

(in reply to WilliamWizer)
Profile   Post #: 7
RE: I have a question - 3/23/2007 11:49:08 AM   
xxxWENCHxxx


Posts: 45
Joined: 12/10/2006
Status: offline
quote:

My questions:

Is it unreasonable to end a relationship on assumption?

Is it so wrong that I did not tell her of that site, even if it was before we met?

I’m at whit’s end and confused, any reasonable comments and advice will be welcomed.
Thank you guys for your time.


  • Unreasonable ? yes, assumptions are the muthahs of all fuck-ups but what are Y/you going to do ?? It is the proverbial (no pun intended) Y/you can lead a horse to water but Y/you can't make them drink.
  • so 6-7 months into a relationship doesnt warrant some trust to come about ??
  • if the relationship is rocky over this, then imagine if something really major comes along .... will it split Y/you up then ??
  • hard lesson learned here is Y/you could have pulled out of that joint situation and avoided all this all along but Y/you knew that ...

just move on ... let it go ... if anything is meant to be then it will be a part of Y/you and Y/your life ... if not, then love enough to let it go .....



_____________________________

"Out of my mind. Back in 5 minutes."

DEJA MOO ... the feeling Y/you've heard this bull somewhere before !!!

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(in reply to WilliamWizer)
Profile   Post #: 8
RE: I have a question - 3/23/2007 11:50:47 AM   
KatyLied


Posts: 13029
Joined: 2/24/2005
From: Pennsylvania
Status: offline
quote:


Is it unreasonable to end a relationship on assumption?


Evidently she feels that she has grounds for dismissing you from her life.  It's her relationship to end if she so chooses.  Maybe you can learn something from this.


_____________________________

“If you want to live a happy life, tie it to a goal, not to people or things.”
- Albert Einstein

(in reply to springman30)
Profile   Post #: 9
RE: I have a question - 3/23/2007 11:53:26 AM   
givemyall


Posts: 620
Joined: 12/3/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: springman30
Is it unreasonable to end a relationship on assumption?

Yes, ive had it done to me and I thought that it was very unreasonable. It's really hard to get your point of view across to someone that has prejudged the situation

quote:


Is it so wrong that I did not tell her of that site, even if it was before we met?

Maybe honesty is the best policy, but you had your reasons

quote:


I’m at whit’s end and confused, any reasonable comments and advice will be welcomed.

Can I just ask how she just found the site and your profile..... was she looking at swinging herself or did she get lost on her way to Ebay?

(in reply to springman30)
Profile   Post #: 10
RE: I have a question - 3/23/2007 11:54:42 AM   
KatyLied


Posts: 13029
Joined: 2/24/2005
From: Pennsylvania
Status: offline
quote:

Can I just ask how she just found the site and your profile..... was she looking at swinging herself or did she get lost on her way to Ebay?


She must've found a "bad" link somewhere.  


_____________________________

“If you want to live a happy life, tie it to a goal, not to people or things.”
- Albert Einstein

(in reply to givemyall)
Profile   Post #: 11
RE: I have a question - 3/23/2007 12:00:42 PM   
bearincuffs


Posts: 1904
Joined: 12/16/2006
Status: offline 		1) I personally believe it's a poor decision to end a relationship solely based upon unconfirmed assumtions and jumping to false conclusions without seeing the entire picture.

2) In a way I think you made an incorrect choice by not being more open at that point in your relationship.

Most people will agree the basis for a strong relationship is to be fully open and honest. I'm not advocating to do so all at once but gradually from the start. Yes, many people figure many things we have done prior to the new relation has no bearing, it may not be relevant yet it shows you don't have anything to hide no matter how minor. Many will interpret a lie of omission as a clear sign of being deceitful even if that isn't the case. In the beginning of any relationship, trust is fragile and it doesn't take much to break it.

< Message edited by bearincuffs -- 3/23/2007 12:01:10 PM >

_____________________________

property of Master Dave of the House of Gemini

An it harm none, do as thou wilt
Do what you will, so long as it harms none
An it harm none, do what thou will
That it harm none, do as thou wilt
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(in reply to springman30)
Profile   Post #: 12
RE: I have a question - 3/23/2007 12:06:31 PM   
GoddessDustyGold


Posts: 2822
Joined: 4/11/2004
From: Arizona
Status: offline 		Perhaps it is wrong to end a relationship based upon one assumption.  Mayhap, there have been other problems and this was the straw the broke the camel's back?
I cannot presume to understand the basis of your relationship, but My take would be that I am the Dominant and the other is the submissive.  Therefore it is not that important.  I also don't relate well to the fact that you felt you needed to keep this a deep dark secret, or that you were "not proud" of your previous experiences in that context, yet you left the profile active.  It would have been much simpler to be honest with both, as you said you were, with the one friend, and advise her to make a new profile for herself, since you were no longer interested.
A quick word about swinging...I was introduced to this lifestyle through the swinging lifestyle.  I don't swing anymore, but I did!  And I know lots of people who also came into this lifestyle in the same manner and still participate in both lifestyles.   I never saw it as a big deal, but that is just Me.   
 
*Edited to add:  I am wondering also, how she happened accidentally upon this profile.

< Message edited by GoddessDustyGold -- 3/23/2007 12:07:19 PM >

_____________________________

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They that give up essential liberty to obtain a little temporary safety deserve neither liberty nor safety
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(in reply to springman30)
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RE: I have a question - 3/23/2007 12:08:34 PM   
darkinshadows


Posts: 4145
Joined: 6/2/2004
From: UK
Status: offline
From the way you have written, you did lie. Say you with hold because you were not 'proud' of being part of something indicates to me that you knowingly with held, so that in itself is a deception.  You have no need to defend yourself, but simply explain that yup - you fucked up not telling her.  Look at it from her POV - even if she believes you were not cheating - you still did not trust her enough to tell her the truth - and now she is accused of not being able to trust you?
 
Is it unreasonable to end based on an assumption. That is all she has - she never had the chance to be trusted enough with such information.
 
Yes, it's wrong to with hold it if your doing so out of guilt.  If you didnt tell her because you just don't go there anymore, that's different - but that isn't the impression I am getting from you - you seem more wrapped up in guilt.
 
Did the submissive know about your friend?  If not - why not?  If she is that important - isn't it she who should have been told in advance about your life before you became too involved? - so she could make an informed choice at the time?  You answer her questions - yet you do not say if you volunteer any information on yourself.  Not telling relevant information is no different to lying.  Maybe she feels let down in more ways than thinking you lied?


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...i surrender to gravity and the unknown...

(in reply to springman30)
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RE: I have a question - 3/23/2007 12:11:57 PM   
mixielicous


Posts: 1283
Joined: 4/6/2006
From: Boston area, Massachusetts
Status: offline 		if she has trust issues, you will not be able to resolve this. even if you convince her not to go, she will never be 100% again

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Profile   Post #: 15
RE: I have a question - 3/23/2007 12:16:28 PM   
darkinshadows


Posts: 4145
Joined: 6/2/2004
From: UK
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: givemyall

Can I just ask how she just found the site and your profile..... was she looking at swinging herself or did she get lost on her way to Ebay?

I find that statement as giving the OP ammunition to throw back at her not really assisting the question - it could place unnecessary conflict.
Maybe she was feeling that she wasn't getting all the answers?  Maybe she googled his name or handle.  It's not that hard - especially when you are looking into discovering more about a person if your relationship is starting to progress.  Not everyone has good networking of groups and munches to fall back on to ask others for recommendations.


_____________________________
.dark.



...i surrender to gravity and the unknown...

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Profile   Post #: 16
RE: I have a question - 3/23/2007 12:20:04 PM   
springman30


Posts: 5
Joined: 9/7/2006
Status: offline 		Ok thank you for your replies. To clarify its been 4 months. I should say that its not entitrely the fact I was feeling guilty of swinging, but it wasnt something I run up to tell someone.  Im comming to the conclusion the omission was not the best choice. I will say procrastination played a large part in this, and the fact that I wasnt smart enough to tell her EVERYTHING right away. And a lot of you guys were right, I should have had made sure my friend changed the site, which by the way she was supposed to have done. That site should have reflected that change. I didnt follow up on that, and im wrong for not doing so.
I had always thought there would be time to spill things when the time was appropriate. I was wrong. I made a mistake. Im humble enough to admit that. I in no way meant to decieve her. I can only offer my heart felt appology with a promise to be more open in the future.

< Message edited by springman30 -- 3/23/2007 12:31:16 PM >

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Profile   Post #: 17
RE: I have a question - 3/23/2007 12:25:48 PM   
darkinshadows


Posts: 4145
Joined: 6/2/2004
From: UK
Status: offline
Have you told her that you believe your ommission was the wrong way to go?  Or has she not allowed you the chance yet?  Maybe you can direct her to here to see the responses ?
 
Four months and you have hit a relationship issue - how she decides to deal with it will speak volumes to you on whether the relationship is worth saving and progressing.  Guilt and blame should now stop and you can both move forward together.  My thoughts are with you.


_____________________________
.dark.



...i surrender to gravity and the unknown...

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Profile   Post #: 18
RE: I have a question - 3/23/2007 12:38:32 PM   
springman30


Posts: 5
Joined: 9/7/2006
Status: offline 		She hasnt allowed me to present my side. I plan to show her this post, there are a lot that say I was wrong, but also that its not the end of the world. I would like us to move forward stronger in overcoming this.

(in reply to darkinshadows)
Profile   Post #: 19
RE: I have a question - 3/23/2007 12:38:37 PM   
tooshysub


Posts: 1
Joined: 7/28/2006
Status: offline 		As the submissive involved, I should probably leave a comment here as well.  I don’t really trust easily, so getting to that point with him was a big step for me.  I have no interest in swinging, but in general I think I’m fairly open-minded.  I can’t really understand why he would have hidden it from me if he wasn’t still involved in it.  The only thing he had told me about the friend is that he knew someone who was looking at getting involved in BDSM.  I didn’t know that there was anything else going on though.  There was no mention of swinging with her or even being interested in it himself, just that he was helping with questions she might have.    

As for how I found the site, I’m afraid ebay wasn’t involved.  I was directed there by him in a way, he left a comment on a friend’s blog about having a profile up on this site.  I had never heard of it, so I was curious and looked it up.  The picture on the site looked recent, and he had even showed it to me with her cut out of it.  It just seemed strange to me that he hadn't mentioned it.

I hope that answers some of the questions brought up.  Thank you for your help.

(in reply to darkinshadows)
Profile   Post #: 20
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