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SusanofO -> RE: The Issue With Fidelity (3/25/2007 12:37:27 AM)
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I have been in a very similar situation, and my heart sincerely goes out to you.
I was going to suggest counselling, but since you just mentioned he won't go (my husband went for 2 months and quit), I would go ahead and pitch an open life-style to your husband.
You will of course know best how to phrase and introduce this possibility to him as a solution, since you know him best (how conservative, or open-minded he might be toward it).
I'd emphasize to him that if you engage in this option (an open relationship) you'd be careful about not spreading STD's, and be very discreet for the sake of your child, or whatever parameters you'd think are necessary -in any case, I'd address his concerns one by one, whatever they are.
Before you bring it up at all, I'd try to envision how you will be working it (an open relationship) also be clear in your mind about how you'll feel if he has another female in his life - because that may happen in the future. If you won't care then, fine. If you might, you can handle your feelings when they come along, I suppose, but be prepared to at least have that happen, possibly.
I am not "pro" or "con" re: An open relationship (and in fact, I see an "open relationship" as a way to work within, and possibly save, an otherwise viable marriage. I am just encouraging you to think it over thoroughly before you talk to him, because he will probably have questions, etc.)
Having been in your shoes (or close to it, and for over 11 years) here is my advice:
**If, when you discuss this w/your husband, he says he "just doesn't understand why you need an open relationship"(insinuating the situation isn't "that bad" or some such nonsense), I am all for the no BS, direct response:
1) *Tell him you're willing to talk about an open relationship OR else "the ball is in his court" to take very noticeable and immediate steps to improve your sex life, as you are done knocking yourself out, and being taken for granted in this arena for nothing. Explain in no uncertain terms, just how devastating this is to you emotionally, and how tempting it is for you to cheat on him, due to his own neglect. If this doesn't bother him, it should.
2) Inquire politely if he may have some medical issue that makes sex difficult for him (and if he thinks he might have one, then IMO, it is upon him to see a doctor - not for you to have to beg him to see one, or drag him there. I'd make that clear as well).
Don't get too caught up in being overly nice when you have this discussion with him, simply because you feel he's "such an otherwise nice guy". I'd be polite, but frankly - he is a married, an adult, and a father. This is up to him to fix, and you've certainly done your part. I'd make that clear, and I'd not veer from it.
Yes, maybe he needs to see a doctor for some anti-depressant meds. I'd be basically kind, but I'd still be very firm re: Your expectations here. If he is, he needs to see a doctor, and it's up to him to make the papointment and to keep it, and to keep any follow-up appointments. Your situation sounds a lot like mine, and I was way too "understanding" for years, and things did not improve. In fact, they got worse.
3) *Let him know if neither of these two options above appeal to him, you will have your attorney contact him re: Further developments concerning your "relationship" (or lack thereof).
4) *Then I would pack my bags and leave for a week or two (see if you can stay w/ a friend, or a distant relative who can keep their mouth shut re: All this (all you need is relatives hounding you about your personal business), or at a hotel or motel) to consider your next move - and also to let him know you are deadly serious that you have zero intention of putting up with this situation for years on end.
IMO - If he appears to not take your concerns seriously, and has no "plan of action" to address them - he needs an effective wake up call, and leaving for a week or two might do the trick. He can watch your child (and also will find out what things would really be like if you left, for good, then, regardless of that not probably happening re: You leaving your child).
He needs a good scare, frankly, and if he has working brain cells, and any sense of reponsibility, he is an adult, and is capable of arranging for a sitter while he is at work - what would he do if you died, for example? I'd not let that concerns about a grwon adult's ability to mcare for his own child stop me from leaving for a week or two, if I found it necessary to make it clear just how painful this situation has become to you - the future of your marriage depends on it, very possibly, IMO.
I am not at all suggesting you'd actually leave your child for good - I am saying he may need a serious wake up call if he just "poo-poohs" your concerns (which is what he's done so far, apparently). He is capable of child care (or at least figuring out how to get that done, for a week or two, I'd think. He'll have to do it too, if you are not there - won't he?)
*Do not take your child with you and just disappear, or he could have you arrrested for kidnapping.
I put up with a similar situation way, way too long (minus the child) -for years, in fact - it tore me apart, and deadened me inside, as far as thinking of myself as appealing, or appreciated (even though that wasn't true). Sex isn't the be-all, end-all of a relationship, but he is just plain ignoring your needs. Make it clear that is very hurtful to you, and furthermore, it is not something you intend to put up with, especially with no viable solution in sight.
The fact is, he is choosing out of simple laziness to ignore a very basic need of yours. Sexual abandonment of a partner is still grounds for divorce in many states (meaning no sexual contact w/ a marital partner, for 2 years or longer (usually, although the length of time depends on the state).
**IMO, these responses on your part will either get him thinking there are serious aspects re: Your relationship that need definite improvement, and he will start paying attention to in proving what he can.
Or he will ignore what you are doing, basically, and you will just do what you want (a somewhat open relationship), while still remaining married, or - (worst case) you'll do what you want inside your marriage anyway, regardless of whether he "approves" or not - and he will seek a divorce (which, IMO, might not be a bad thing, but you decide).
I know it must be a big challenge sweetie, but you are very sensibly asking for advice, and my heart goes out to you. Good luck, and I'll say a prayer for you.
- Susan
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