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RE: I told my wife I our marriage was built on LIES...a... - 4/10/2005 8:57:52 PM   
proudsub


Posts: 6142
Joined: 1/31/2004
From: Washington
Status: offline
quote:

If she loves you, the REAL you, she might just be willing to forgive and work with you on a MUTUALLY beneficial, loving relationship.


It worked for me and Hubby. Having been there I agree with Merc and recommend you give it a shot, she might surprise you.

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proudsub

"Without goals you become what you were. With goals you become what you wish." .

"You are entitled to your own opinions but not your own facts"--Alan Greenspan


(in reply to Mercnbeth)
Profile   Post #: 21
RE: I told my wife I was submissive and it got weird - 4/10/2005 11:49:05 PM   
lil1v


Posts: 125
Joined: 4/4/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: sunmoon888
Early in our relationship she had a great deal of respect for me and we were more or less equals in the relationship. She had no clue about my submissive side, though I hoped to ease it into our relationship at some point.


To be honest, I've waited to post on this subject as it hit a bit too close to home and depressed me.

When I first started dating my husband I said to him frankly that I needed him to be in charge of the relationship. He said that wasn't a problem.

After we moved in together, things changed. The more I tried to be submissive the more submissive he got. Next thing I knew out of necessity I ended up taking charge. We would never have sexual relations unless I demanded it. Nothing would get done unless I instrumented it. I made all the decisions, because he refused.

I resented it. I got more and more domineering and hated myself for it. Hubby however loved it, or seemed to. I'd pick out his clothes, or he'd wear dirty clothes if I didn't. The more he submitted the more I took on or felt that I had to...

Last fall I finally had enough and broke down.


quote:

ORIGINAL: sunmoon888
I think she thought she was marrying a confident straight strong silent type masculine fellow. What she got was a submissive who will not stand up for himself with an undersized penis that does not please her. I always imagined a dom enjoying tormenting me, where she just seems to seethe at me. In any case, I suppose I am getting what I deserve.


I don't know his wife, but he may be right in that she thought she was getting a regular vanilla man, a strong silent type. More than likely, she's trying to love him in the way she thinks he wants, but she may also be resentful of having to suddenly do this. It may not be making her happy, but because she loves him she's trying.

It is sad when you cannot trust your wife enough to be honest with her from the start.

_____________________________

V



(in reply to sunmoon888)
Profile   Post #: 22
RE: I told my wife I was submissive and it got weird - 4/11/2005 12:23:31 AM   
BlkTallFullfig


Posts: 5585
Joined: 6/25/2004
Status: offline 		If you didn't sound like you enjoyed this on some level, I would see huge signs of abuse in your story...
I would NEVER treat another human being like that without first getting his consent and expression of desire to be treated that way.
I'm with Sarbonn, I would think you two need counseling seriously. M

_____________________________

a.k.a. SexyBossyBBW
""Touching was, and still is, and will always be, the true revolution" Nikki Giovanni

(in reply to sunmoon888)
Profile   Post #: 23
RE: I told my wife I was submissive and it got weird - 4/11/2005 9:28:06 PM   
sunmoon888


Posts: 11
Joined: 4/10/2005
Status: offline 		Well, it was one day between my original post and now. Thanks for the replies. My wife has week long periods. God made her that way. I will be in chastity until her period is over because that is the soonest I will see my mistress who has the keys. I may have mentioned that it would be longer than a week, and that was just a fantasy. I will only be in chastity for a few more days. Yes I have a small penis and yes I like being humilated about it. That was not, however, the purpose of mentioning it. I just mentioned it to provide a relevant detail about what might be contributing to the troubles I am having (i.e., maybe it doesn't feel the way she wants it to inside her).

You guys are tough. Am I the only person in the D/s community who sees a mistress but otherwise has a vanilla marriage? I appreciate the comments to my post, not the attention. Everyone seems to concede that there are several problems that I need to sort out, so why is everyone so irritated that I asked for help?

Peace folks. I didn't ask the question to be ridiculed, criticized and demonized. I just wanted to describe my situation and get the thoughts of people who are having more success in the D/s world than I am.

The phone sex issue I mentioned occurred in 1999, and there have been no further phone sex issues. I should have mentioned that. The mistress I referred to I have only seen once, and it was to give her the keys to the belt; we didn't even do a session. My wife does not know about her. I know, that is bad.

In sum, yes, I am a not a model citizen, but to pose the matter as I am either an idiot or a clever troll, that just seems a little harsh. I still appreciate the feedback, however.

By the way, Akasha, I have enjoyed your writing very much and I am sorry that my post seems to have gotten under your skin. I know that on your site you recommend that men not see a dominatrix and other side activities if they really want their SO to potentially be interested in the lifestyle. I think that is good advice that I have not followed. In any case, irritating you and the rest of the folks here was not my intention.

I'll go get back on the seat in the dunking booth now.

(in reply to BlkTallFullfig)
Profile   Post #: 24
RE: I told my wife I was submissive and it got weird - 4/11/2005 10:24:20 PM   
AAkasha


Posts: 4429
Joined: 11/27/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: sunmoon888

Well, it was one day between my original post and now. Thanks for the replies. My wife has week long periods. God made her that way. I will be in chastity until her period is over because that is the soonest I will see my mistress who has the keys. I may have mentioned that it would be longer than a week, and that was just a fantasy. I will only be in chastity for a few more days. Yes I have a small penis and yes I like being humilated about it. That was not, however, the purpose of mentioning it. I just mentioned it to provide a relevant detail about what might be contributing to the troubles I am having (i.e., maybe it doesn't feel the way she wants it to inside her).

You guys are tough. Am I the only person in the D/s community who sees a mistress but otherwise has a vanilla marriage? I appreciate the comments to my post, not the attention. Everyone seems to concede that there are several problems that I need to sort out, so why is everyone so irritated that I asked for help?

Peace folks. I didn't ask the question to be ridiculed, criticized and demonized. I just wanted to describe my situation and get the thoughts of people who are having more success in the D/s world than I am.

The phone sex issue I mentioned occurred in 1999, and there have been no further phone sex issues. I should have mentioned that. The mistress I referred to I have only seen once, and it was to give her the keys to the belt; we didn't even do a session. My wife does not know about her. I know, that is bad.

In sum, yes, I am a not a model citizen, but to pose the matter as I am either an idiot or a clever troll, that just seems a little harsh. I still appreciate the feedback, however.

By the way, Akasha, I have enjoyed your writing very much and I am sorry that my post seems to have gotten under your skin. I know that on your site you recommend that men not see a dominatrix and other side activities if they really want their SO to potentially be interested in the lifestyle. I think that is good advice that I have not followed. In any case, irritating you and the rest of the folks here was not my intention.

I'll go get back on the seat in the dunking booth now.



The biggest problem is that you came clean to your wife and are still at the same time cheating essentially -- with a real person not a phone domme -- and you think this situation can only get better. It can get worse, a LOT worse, and possibly be ruined.

You have to make a decision to be honest or not. You can't do it half way. If you think she will trust you after finding out about your "Mistress" that has you in chastity, it's not true -- that might be the last straw. Definitely it will really make it nearly impossible to build any kind of femdom foundation with her. She's going to be devastated (and/or livid). Especially if her recent treatment of you is some attempt to try to get you off.

You need to think about your priorities.


Akasha

_____________________________

Akasha's Web - All original Femdom content since 1995
Don't email me here, email me at [email protected]

(in reply to sunmoon888)
Profile   Post #: 25
RE: I told my wife I was submissive and it got weird - 4/11/2005 11:14:31 PM   
sunmoon888


Posts: 11
Joined: 4/10/2005
Status: offline 		I agree with you. You are right. I will stop seeing the dominatrix (I've only seen her once anyway). From there, I can start building something that can lead to some kind of femdom at home. I have a long way to go, though. But I know that you are absolutely right.

(in reply to AAkasha)
Profile   Post #: 26
RE: I told my wife I was submissive and it got weird - 4/12/2005 1:06:22 AM   
SweetDommes


Posts: 3313
Joined: 10/5/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: sunmoon888
You guys are tough. Am I the only person in the D/s community who sees a mistress but otherwise has a vanilla marriage? I appreciate the comments to my post, not the attention. Everyone seems to concede that there are several problems that I need to sort out, so why is everyone so irritated that I asked for help?


We seem irritated because your question, combined with the inconsistancies in your story, make you look like a troll who is here to stir up trouble.

Good idea on not seeing the Domme again, the only way that you can make this work is if you are honest and communicate with your wife openly.

*Edited because I missed your last reply*

< Message edited by SweetDommes -- 4/12/2005 1:08:02 AM >

(in reply to sunmoon888)
Profile   Post #: 27
RE: I told my wife I was submissive and it got weird - 4/12/2005 6:10:11 AM   
DublinSwitch


Posts: 59
Joined: 1/28/2005
Status: offline 		Sorry but its beyond me how anyone can wear a chastity belt and his wife not know it? I kind of agree with some of the people questioning the veracity of this post

(in reply to SweetDommes)
Profile   Post #: 28
RE: I told my wife I was submissive and it got weird - 4/12/2005 6:58:05 PM   
lil1v


Posts: 125
Joined: 4/4/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: DublinSwitch

Sorry but its beyond me how anyone can wear a chastity belt and his wife not know it? I kind of agree with some of the people questioning the veracity of this post


Actually, I don't know this guys relationship and it seems unbelievable in a sexually healthy marriage that she would at least notice.

In my case, my husband has not seen me naked since last August nor have I seen him. I could .. or he could .. I suppose if I or he wanted. I could walk into the bathroom while he's showering or he could do that same to me. but neither of us has or even shown interest in doing so.

While this guy's relationship doesn't seem healthy at the moment, he has shown a bit of "want" to work on his marriage and make things better.

So while it is improbable that a man or woman could have a belt on in a marriage and have it go unnoticed, it is possible.


_____________________________

V



(in reply to DublinSwitch)
Profile   Post #: 29
RE: I told my wife I was submissive and it got weird - 4/12/2005 7:46:20 PM   
pboy2004


Posts: 5
Joined: 4/12/2005
Status: offline 		I feel for you mate, Hope it all works out and you get what you both want out of life.

Out of the relationships ive been in there is always that first time you tell your partner that you are a submissive , I mean you cant just walk up to someone and say "Hi im a sub , whats your name?" Therefore you wait for the right time. Sometimes they have stayed and they have been interested, sometimes they leave

When one door closes another opens

Good luck

(in reply to lil1v)
Profile   Post #: 30
RE: I told my wife I was submissive and it got weird - 4/12/2005 9:48:29 PM   
FelinePersuasion


Posts: 4792
Joined: 11/20/2004
Status: offline 		No Akasha he clearly answered your question.


quote:

Well, where should I start. I see a mistress who is not my wife and she has me in chastity during the time of month my wife is having her period.

(in reply to HypatiaSwan)
Profile   Post #: 31
RE: I told my wife I was submissive and it got weird - 4/12/2005 9:57:53 PM   
SweetDommes


Posts: 3313
Joined: 10/5/2004
Status: offline 		Yeah Feline, but his answer was blatently contradictory to previous statements that he had made - thus she wanted clarification for those contradictions.

(in reply to FelinePersuasion)
Profile   Post #: 32
RE: I told my wife I was submissive and it got weird - 4/12/2005 10:17:30 PM   
sunmoon888


Posts: 11
Joined: 4/10/2005
Status: offline 		If you keep your underwear on and shower by yourself it's not too hard to conceal the CB3000, which has a pretty low profile. I will, however, be ready for it to come off. Between being pummelled on this board and trying to get acclimated to the CB3000 and my first extended period of chastity, it's been an intense week thus far.


(in reply to SweetDommes)
Profile   Post #: 33
RE: I told my wife I was submissive and it got weird - 4/12/2005 11:20:11 PM   
AAkasha


Posts: 4429
Joined: 11/27/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: sunmoon888

If you keep your underwear on and shower by yourself it's not too hard to conceal the CB3000, which has a pretty low profile. I will, however, be ready for it to come off. Between being pummelled on this board and trying to get acclimated to the CB3000 and my first extended period of chastity, it's been an intense week thus far.




Shouldn't that list of things that contributed to your intense week have anything including coming clean with your wife or deciding to be honest...

Be really careful about your priorities. It might not seem like a big deal, but you typed it -- it's all top of mind. Do you really want to stay in your marriage or not? That's not a malicious question, it's one that you need to consider. Because if she decides she does not want to indulge your submissive fantasies after all, you can't very well start sneaking around again.

At least not with a conscience.

Akasha

_____________________________

Akasha's Web - All original Femdom content since 1995
Don't email me here, email me at [email protected]

(in reply to sunmoon888)
Profile   Post #: 34
RE: I told my wife I was submissive and it got weird - 4/13/2005 12:00:06 AM   
BlkTallFullfig


Posts: 5585
Joined: 6/25/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: sunmoon888
If you keep your underwear on and shower by yourself it's not too hard to conceal the CB3000, which has a pretty low profile.

I believe your wife doesn't want to know about your sex/BDSM life, or knows and doesn't care.
I seriously hope you two go to counseling and decide what you want out of the marriage, because there is no reason you couldn't go to pros (with her knowledge and consent) and stay married. I don't see how this marriage is going to last otherwise. Kepp us posted. Good luck. M


_____________________________

a.k.a. SexyBossyBBW
""Touching was, and still is, and will always be, the true revolution" Nikki Giovanni

(in reply to sunmoon888)
Profile   Post #: 35
RE: I told my wife I was submissive and it got weird - 4/13/2005 12:09:21 AM   
AAkasha


Posts: 4429
Joined: 11/27/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: BlkTallFullfig

quote:

ORIGINAL: sunmoon888
If you keep your underwear on and shower by yourself it's not too hard to conceal the CB3000, which has a pretty low profile.

I believe your wife doesn't want to know about your sex/BDSM life, or knows and doesn't care.
I seriously hope you two go to counseling and decide what you want out of the marriage, because there is no reason you couldn't go to pros (with her knowledge and consent) and stay married. I don't see how this marriage is going to last otherwise. Kepp us posted. Good luck. M



Good point. If your sexual relationship with your wife is such that she not only does not have sex with you (in your early post you insinuated she had a healthy sexual appetite -- was that an exaggeration also?) or even see your privates (you said she didn't like the shaving -- so it means she does see your crotch -- how did you plan to hide the chastity device if she wanted to see if you kept on shaving? or was that made up also?), then your sex life might be too damaged to move forward.

I firmly believe that a submissive man trying to get a vanilla wife interested in BDSM is a disaster waiting to happen if they couple does not have good sexual relations already, including both partners having a healthy sexual appetite and take joy in the act. If you aren't having sex, she's not even seeing your cock and doesn't care, you can't expect to get her to be kinky out of the gate. You have to repair your vanilla sex life first, and at least have some level of intimacy and bring fun back into the bedroom.

Akasha

_____________________________

Akasha's Web - All original Femdom content since 1995
Don't email me here, email me at [email protected]

(in reply to BlkTallFullfig)
Profile   Post #: 36
RE: I told my wife I was submissive and it got weird - 4/13/2005 2:53:54 PM   
knees2you


Posts: 2336
Joined: 3/15/2004
Status: offline 		I don't Believe in this Quote
How else is someone going to get answers about there problems in life?
I agree in getting counseling for their Marriage,
and if that doesn't work, I would get a Devorce
I'm a Christian Submissive, and believe that Answers come from above.
I hope that You and Your Wife {Mistress} can work things out~

quote:

Does your wife know that you're posting personal details about her sex life to strangers on a message board? Did you get her consent to post these things beforehand? Maybe it turns you on to post those intimate details - maybe it even gets you off. Maybe it gets you attention. But lots of people don't the intimate details of what they do in bed plastered on the internet for comment by anybody who reads it. If you're her submissive, time to have a little respect. If you're her vanilla lover, time to have a little respect.


"So often time it happens that We live Our lives in CHAINS and We never even know we have the Key?"

sincerely, ant



(in reply to sunmoon888)
Profile   Post #: 37
RE: I told my wife I was submissive and it got weird - 4/13/2005 3:42:54 PM   
BlkTallFullfig


Posts: 5585
Joined: 6/25/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: knees2you
"So often time it happens that We live Our lives in CHAINS and We never even know we have the Key?"

Nice quote Knees... I don't understand why it's so hard for people to get it, or grow the balls to do the right thing even when it hurts. M

_____________________________

a.k.a. SexyBossyBBW
""Touching was, and still is, and will always be, the true revolution" Nikki Giovanni

(in reply to knees2you)
Profile   Post #: 38
RE: I told my wife I was submissive and it got weird - 4/13/2005 6:01:38 PM   
Sinergy


Posts: 9383
Joined: 4/26/2004
Status: offline
Hello,

I think the issues in your relationship are a lot deeper than a BDSM issue.

If both sides are not getting what they need, I would say get help.

Sinergy

_____________________________

"There is a fine line between clever and stupid"
David St. Hubbins "This Is Spinal Tap"

"Every so often you let a word or phrase out and you want to catch it and bring it back. You cant do that, it is gone, gone forever." J. Danforth Quayle


(in reply to sunmoon888)
Profile   Post #: 39
RE: I told my wife I was submissive and it got weird - 4/14/2005 8:32:27 PM   
sunmoon888


Posts: 11
Joined: 4/10/2005
Status: offline 		I totally agree with Akasha's point that the vanilla sex must be repaired before the kinky stuff can hope to get off the ground. I have been poking around on the Cosmo/ivillage board where there is a lot of very good info about spicing up vanilla relations, so when I get this chastity belt off I can try a few of the things I learned there.

As far as the general topic of whether the relationship has a future, I think that we still have a good bit of gas in the tank. In any case, we have two small children, so there is a little more at stake here than just the issues that have been discussed above.

(in reply to Sinergy)
Profile   Post #: 40
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