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RE: subs who don't know their place - 4/27/2007 4:18:33 PM   
kitbaloo


Posts: 59
Joined: 3/19/2007
Status: offline 		These are taken from real resumes and cover letters and were printed in Fortune Magazine:

1. I demand a salary commiserate with my extensive experience.

2. I have lurnt Word Perfect 6.0 computor and spreadsheet progroms.

3. Received a plague for Salesperson of the Year.

4. Reason for leaving last job: maturity leave.

5. Wholly responsible for two (2) failed financial institutions.

6. Its best for employers that I not work with people.

7. Lets meet, so you can ooh and aah over my experience.

8. You will want me to be Head Honcho in no time.

9. Am a perfectionist and rarely if if ever forget details.

10. I was working for my mom until she decided to move.

11. Failed bar exam with relatively high grades.

12. Marital status: single. Unmarried. Unengaged. Uninvolved. No Commitments.

13. I have an excellent track record, although I am not a horse.

14. I am loyal to my employer at all costs... Please feel free to respond to my resume on my office voice mail.

15. I have become completely paranoid, trusting completely no one and absolutely nothing.

16. My goal is to be a meteorologist. But since I possess no training in meterology, I suppose I should try stock brokerage.

17. I procrastinate, especially when the task is unpleasant.

18. As indicted, I have over five years of analyzing investments.

19. Personal interests: donating blood. Fourteen gallons so far.

20. Instrumental in ruining entire operation for a Midwest chain store.

21. Note: Please don't miscontrue my 14 jobs as job-hopping. I have never quit a job.

22. Marital status: often. Children: various.

23. Reason for leaving last job: They insisted that all employees get to work by 8:45 a.m. every morning. Could not work under those conditions.

24. The company made me a scapegoat, just like my three previous employers.

25. Finished eighth in my class of ten.

26. References: None. I've left a path of destruction behind me.

(in reply to FelinePersuasion)
Profile   Post #: 581
RE: subs who don't know their place - 4/28/2007 5:20:26 AM   
whipingherfeet


Posts: 202
Joined: 10/26/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: FelinePersuasion

note first to be able to put manners into someone* not manors* you'd need to know how to spell the word correctly first.
quote:

ORIGINAL: whipingherfeet

sub harleykitty i would love to whip your soles of your feet.it would put manors on you.as you scream nono not feet the whip would fly .then you would be a well manor sub

i least i have hair on my head .not like some one i wont said  any names .who could it be?

(in reply to FelinePersuasion)
Profile   Post #: 582
RE: subs who don't know their place - 4/28/2007 9:45:55 AM   
sambamanslilgirl


Posts: 10926
Joined: 2/5/2007
From: Chicago, IL
Status: offline 		sheeeeeeeeesh, i believe that was her Dom you were describing ...hence Feline = female cat  ...hint - woman

*smacks whippingherfeet with her birthday paddle*

now apologize to Feline


_____________________________

...2011 - year of the fabulous rock star life ...and i do it so well...


...announcing Mr. & Mrs. British Petrol ...yeah, marrying into oil is slick business...

(in reply to whipingherfeet)
Profile   Post #: 583
RE: subs who don't know their place - 4/28/2007 9:54:04 AM   
jayded34


Posts: 293
Joined: 2/12/2007
Status: offline 		* sets up camp on the sofa again*

_____________________________

You don't love a woman because she's beautiful,
She is beautiful because you love her.
~ by Anonymous ~

Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength,
While loving someone deeply gives you courage.
~ by Lao Tzu ~

(in reply to sambamanslilgirl)
Profile   Post #: 584
RE: subs who don't know their place - 4/28/2007 10:23:51 AM   
whipingherfeet


Posts: 202
Joined: 10/26/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: sambamanslilgirl

sheeeeeeeeesh, i believe that was her Dom you were describing ...hence Feline = female cat  ...hint - woman

*smacks whippingherfeet with her birthday paddle*

now apologize to Feline

thank you  your right

(in reply to sambamanslilgirl)
Profile   Post #: 585
RE: subs who don't know their place - 4/28/2007 10:35:13 AM   
sambamanslilgirl


Posts: 10926
Joined: 2/5/2007
From: Chicago, IL
Status: offline 		welcome to act 2 scene1

we have plenty of popcorn today for all


_____________________________

...2011 - year of the fabulous rock star life ...and i do it so well...


...announcing Mr. & Mrs. British Petrol ...yeah, marrying into oil is slick business...

(in reply to jayded34)
Profile   Post #: 586
RE: subs who don't know their place - 4/28/2007 10:40:17 AM   
michaelOfGeorgia


Posts: 4253
Status: offline 		i know my place...just lost the map to get there...

_____________________________

Are we having fun, yet?

(in reply to sambamanslilgirl)
Profile   Post #: 587
RE: subs who don't know their place - 4/28/2007 10:42:25 AM   
sambamanslilgirl


Posts: 10926
Joined: 2/5/2007
From: Chicago, IL
Status: offline 		my useless contribution for the day - reviews 3 out of 4 bands last night ...the closing band though they had a good sound totally sucked ...believe me i have one terrible headache to prove it!

_____________________________

...2011 - year of the fabulous rock star life ...and i do it so well...


...announcing Mr. & Mrs. British Petrol ...yeah, marrying into oil is slick business...

(in reply to sambamanslilgirl)
Profile   Post #: 588
RE: subs who don't know their place - 4/28/2007 11:04:18 AM   
jayded34


Posts: 293
Joined: 2/12/2007
Status: offline 		the band i saw last night did not suck and had really good sound........and i still have a headache...where is the justice in that?

_____________________________

You don't love a woman because she's beautiful,
She is beautiful because you love her.
~ by Anonymous ~

Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength,
While loving someone deeply gives you courage.
~ by Lao Tzu ~

(in reply to sambamanslilgirl)
Profile   Post #: 589
RE: subs who don't know their place - 4/28/2007 2:56:42 PM   
sambamanslilgirl


Posts: 10926
Joined: 2/5/2007
From: Chicago, IL
Status: offline 		damn - there's no justice!!

*pops another Advil*


_____________________________

...2011 - year of the fabulous rock star life ...and i do it so well...


...announcing Mr. & Mrs. British Petrol ...yeah, marrying into oil is slick business...

(in reply to jayded34)
Profile   Post #: 590
RE: subs who don't know their place - 4/28/2007 3:26:17 PM   
kitbaloo


Posts: 59
Joined: 3/19/2007
Status: offline 		Are we ready for me to hop back in yet? :D

(in reply to sambamanslilgirl)
Profile   Post #: 591
RE: subs who don't know their place - 4/28/2007 3:28:33 PM   
sambamanslilgirl


Posts: 10926
Joined: 2/5/2007
From: Chicago, IL
Status: offline 		bring it on, sister!

what funnies do you have for us today?


_____________________________

...2011 - year of the fabulous rock star life ...and i do it so well...


...announcing Mr. & Mrs. British Petrol ...yeah, marrying into oil is slick business...

(in reply to kitbaloo)
Profile   Post #: 592
RE: subs who don't know their place - 4/28/2007 3:32:58 PM   
kitbaloo


Posts: 59
Joined: 3/19/2007
Status: offline



Dear Public Assistance...
These are actual statements taken from cards, letters and forms recieved by public assistance agencies.

  1. I am forwarding my marriage certificate and 6 children. I had 7 but one died which was baptized on a sheet of paper.

  2. I am writing the Welfare Dept. to say that my baby was born 2 years old. When do I get my money?

  3. Mrs. Jones has not had any clothing for a year and has been visited regularly by the clergy.

  4. I cannot get sick pay. I have had 6 children. Can you tell me why?

  5. I am glad to report that my husband who was reported missing is dead.

  6. This is my eighth child. What are you going to do about it?

  7. Please find for certain if my husband is dead, as the man I am living with can't do a thing until he knows.

  8. I am very much annoyed to find you have branded my boy as illiterate. This is a dirty lie. I was married to his father a week before he was born.

  9. In answer to your letter, I have given birth to a boy weighing 10 pounds. I hope this is satisfactory.

  10. I am forwarding my marriage certificate and my 3 children, one of which was a mistake as you can see.

  11. Unless I get my husband's money pretty soon, I will be forced to lead an immortal life.

  12. My husband got laid off from his job 2 weeks ago, and I haven't had any relief since.

  13. You have changed my little boy to a girl. Will this make any difference?

  14. I have no children yet as my husband is a bus driver and works night and day.

  15. In accordance with your instructions, I have given birth to twins in the enclosed envelope.

  16. I want my money as quick as I can get it. I have been in bed with a doctor for 2 weeks and he hasn't done me any good. If things don't improve I will have to send for another doctor.

  17. (In response to the question, "Why have you applied for public assistance?") My husband left me last month and I am in need of ass.

  18. Dear Sirs, please stop my assistance since I got a job begging in October.

(in reply to sambamanslilgirl)
Profile   Post #: 593
RE: subs who don't know their place - 4/28/2007 3:42:32 PM   
kitbaloo


Posts: 59
Joined: 3/19/2007
Status: offline



Engineer Traits
You might be an engineer if...
If you introduce your wife as "[email protected]"
If your spouse sends you an e-mail instead of calling you to dinner
If you can quote scenes from any Monty Python movie
If you want an 8X CDROM for Christmas
If Dilbert is your hero
If you stare at an orange juice container because it says CONCENTRATE
If you can name 6 Star Trek episodes
If the only jokes you receive are through e-mail
If your wrist watch has more computing power than a 486DX-50
If your idea of good interpersonal communication means getting the decimal point in the right place
If you look forward to Christmas only to put together the kids' toys
If you use a CAD package to design your son's Pine Wood Derby car
If you have used coat hangers and duct tape for something other than hanging coats and taping ducts
If, at Christmas, it goes without saying that you will be the one to find the burnt-out bulb in the string
If you window shop at Radio Shack
If your ideal evening consists of fast-forwarding through the latest sci-fi movie looking for technical inaccuracies
If you have "Dilbert" comics displayed anywhere in your work area
If you carry on a one-hour debate over the expected results of a test that actually takes five minutes to run
If you are convinced you can build a phazer out of your garage door opener and your camera's flash attachment
If you don't even know where the cover to your personal computer is
If you have modified your can-opener to be microprocessor driven
If you know the direction the water swirls when you flush
If you own "Official Star Trek" anything
If you have ever taken the back off your TV just to see what's inside
If a team of you and your co-workers have set out to modify the antenna on the radio in your work area for better reception
If you thought the concoction ET used to phone home was stupid
If you ever burned down the gymnasium with your Science Fair project
If you are currently gathering the components to build your own nuclear reactor
If you own one or more white short-sleeve dress shirts
If you have never backed-up your hard drive
If you are aware that computers are actually only good for playing games, but are afraid to say it out loud
If you truly believe aliens are living among us
If you have ever saved the power cord from a broken appliance
If you have ever purchased an electronic appliance "as-is"
If you see a good design and still have to change it
If the salespeople at Circuit City can't answer any of your questions
If you still own a slide rule and you know how to work it
If the thought that a CD could refer to finance or music never enters your mind
If you own a set of itty-bitty screw drivers, but you don't remember where they are
If you rotate your screen savers more frequently than your automobile tires
If you have a functioning home copier machine, but every toaster you own turns bread into charcoal
If you have more toys than your kids
If you need a checklist to turn on the TV
If you have introduced your kids by the wrong name
If your wife thinks your taste in ties is bizarre
If you have a habit of destroying things in order to see how they work
If your I.Q. number is bigger than your weight
If the microphone or visual aids at a meeting don't work and you rush up to the front to fix it
If you can remember 7 computer passwords but not your anniversary
If you have memorized the program schedule for the Discovery channel and have seen most of the shows already
If you have ever owned a calculator with no equal key and know what RPN stands for
If your father sat 2 inches in front of your family's first color TV with a magnifying lens to see how they made the colors, and you grew up thinking that was normal
If you know how to take the cover off of your computer, and what size screw driver to use
If you can type 70 words a minute but can't read your own handwriting
If people groan at the party when you pick out the music
If you can't remember where you parked your car for the 3rd time this week
If people hound you for pocket protectors at Halloween time
If you did the sound system for your senior prom
If your checkbook always balances
If your girlfriend says the way you dress is no reflection on her
If your wristwatch has more buttons than a telephone
If you have more friends on the Internet than in real life
If you thought the real heroes of "Apollo 13" were the mission controllers
If you think your computer looks better without the cover
If you think that when people around you yawn, its because they didn't get enough sleep
If your wife hasn't the foggiest idea what you do at work
If you spend more on your home computer than your car
If you know what http:/ stands for
If you've ever tried to repair a $5.00 radio
If you have a neatly sorted collection of old bolts and nuts in your garage
If your favorite part of the 6 o clock news is comparing their latest satellite weather picture with yours
If your three year old son asks why the sky is blue and you try to explain atmospheric absorption theory
If your lap-top computer costs more than your car
If your 4 basic food groups are: 1.Caffeine 2.Fat 3.Sugar 4.Chocolate

(in reply to kitbaloo)
Profile   Post #: 594
RE: subs who don't know their place - 4/28/2007 3:44:00 PM   
kitbaloo


Posts: 59
Joined: 3/19/2007
Status: offline



The Rules of Bedroom Golf

  • Each player shall furnish his own equipment, normally one club and two balls.

  • Playing on a course must be approved by the owner of the hole.

  • Unlike outdoor golf, the object is to get the club in the hole and keep the balls out of the hole.

  • For most effective play, the club should have a firm shaft. Course owners are permitted to check shaft stiffness before play begins.

  • Course owners reserve the right to restrict the length of the club to avoid damage to the hole.

  • The object of the game is take as many strokes as necessary until the course owner is satisfied that play is complete. Failure to do so may result in being denied permission to play the course again.

  • It is considered bad form to begin playing the hole immediately upon arrival at the course. The experienced player will take time to admire the course, with special attention to the well-formed bunkers.

  • Players are cautioned not to mention other courses they have played on or are currently playing.

  • Players are encouraged to have proper rain gear along, just in case.

  • Players should assure themselves that their match has been properly scheduled, particularly when a new course is being played for the first time. Previous players have been known to become irate if they discover someone else playing what they consider to be a private course.

  • Players should not assume a course is in shape for play at all times. Some players may be embarrassed if they find the course to be temporarily under repair. Players are advised to be extremely tactful in this situation. More advanced players will find alternate means of play when this is the case.

  • Players are advised to obtain the course owner*s permission before attempting to play the back nine.

  • Slow play is encouraged; however, players should be prepared to proceed at a quicker pace, at least temporarily, at the owner*s request.

  • It is considered outstanding performance, time permitting, to play the same hole several times in one match.

  • The course owner will be the sole judge of who is the best player.

  • Players are advised to think twice before considering membership at a given course. Additional assessments may be levied by the course owner and the rules are subject to change without notice. For this reason, many players prefer to continue to play several different courses.

(in reply to kitbaloo)
Profile   Post #: 595
RE: subs who don't know their place - 4/28/2007 4:47:16 PM   
sambamanslilgirl


Posts: 10926
Joined: 2/5/2007
From: Chicago, IL
Status: offline 		bedroom golf - lmao!! 

_____________________________

...2011 - year of the fabulous rock star life ...and i do it so well...


...announcing Mr. & Mrs. British Petrol ...yeah, marrying into oil is slick business...

(in reply to kitbaloo)
Profile   Post #: 596
RE: subs who don't know their place - 4/28/2007 5:55:46 PM   
kitbaloo


Posts: 59
Joined: 3/19/2007
Status: offline



Cartoon Laws of Physics

Cartoon Law I Any body suspended in space will remain in space until made aware of its situation.
Daffy Duck steps off a cliff, expecting further pastureland. He loiters in midair, soliloquizing flippantly, until he chances to look down. At this point, the familiar principle of 32 feet per second per second takes over.

Cartoon Law II Any body in motion will tend to remain in motion until solid matter intervenes suddenly.
Whether shot from a cannon or in hot pursuit on foot, cartoon characters are so absolute in their momentum that only a telephone pole or an outsize boulder retards their forward motion absolutely. Sir Isaac Newton called this sudden termination of motion the stooge's surcease.

Cartoon Law III Any body passing through solid matter will leave a perforation conforming to its perimeter.
Also called the silhouette of passage, this phenomenon is the speciality of victims of directed-pressure explosions and of reckless cowards who are so eager to escape that they exit directly through the wall of a house, leaving a cookie-cutout-perfect hole. The threat of skunks or matrimony often catalyzes this reaction.

Cartoon Law IV The time required for an object to fall twenty stories is greater than or equal to the time it takes for whoever knocked it off the ledge to spiral down twenty flights to attempt to capture it unbroken.
Such an object is inevitably priceless, the attempt to capture it inevitably unsuccessful.

Cartoon Law V All principles of gravity are negated by fear.
Psychic forces are sufficient in most bodies for a shock to propel them directly away from the earth's surface. A spooky noise or an adversary's signature sound will induce motion upward, usually to the cradle of a chandelier, a treetop, or the crest of a flagpole. The feet of a character who is running or the wheels of a speeding auto need never touch the ground, especially when in flight.

Cartoon Law VI As speed increases, objects can be in several places at once.
This is particularly true of tooth-and-claw fights, in which a character's head may be glimpsed emerging from the cloud of altercation at several places simultaneously. This effect is common as well among bodies that are spinning or being throttled.
A wacky character has the option of self-replication only at manic high speeds and may ricochet off walls to achieve the velocity required.

Cartoon Law VII Certain bodies can pass through solid walls painted to resemble tunnel entrances; others cannot.
This trompe l'oeil inconsistency has baffled generations, but at least it is known that whoever paints an entrance on a wall's surface to trick an opponent will be unable to pursue him into this theoretical space.
The painter is flattened against the wall when he attempts to follow into the painting. This is ultimately a problem of art, not of science.

Cartoon Law VIII Any violent rearrangement of feline matter is impermanent.
Cartoon cats possess even more deaths than the traditional nine lives might comfortably afford. They can be decimated, spliced, splayed, accordion-pleated, spindled, or disassembled, but they cannot be destroyed. After a few moments of blinking self pity, they reinflate, elongate, snap back, or solidify.

Corollary:A cat will assume the shape of its container.

Cartoon Law IX Everything falls faster than an anvil.

Cartoon Law X For every vengeance there is an equal and opposite revengeance.
This is the one law of animated cartoon motion that also applies to the physical world at large. For that reason, we need the relief of watching it happen to a duck instead.

Cartoon Law Amendment A A sharp object will always propel a character upward.
When poked (usually in the buttocks) with a sharp object (usually a pin), a character will defy gravity by shooting straight up, with great velocity.

Cartoon Law Amendment B The laws of object permanence are nullified for "cool" characters.
Characters who are intended to be "cool" can make previously nonexistent objects appear from behind their backs at will. For instance, the Road Runner can materialize signs to express himself without speaking.

Cartoon Law Amendment C Explosive weapons cannot cause fatal injuries.
They merely turn characters temporarily black and smokey.

Cartoon Law Amendment D Gravity is transmitted by slow-moving waves of large wavelengths.
Their operation can be wittnessed by observing the behavior of a canine suspended over a large vertical drop. Its feet will begin to fall first, causing its legs to stretch. As the wave reaches its torso, that part will begin to fall, causing the neck to strech. As the head begins to fall, tension is released and the canine will resume its regular proportions until such time as it strikes the ground.

Cartoon Law Amendment E Dynamite is spontaneously generated in "C-spaces" (spaces in which cartoon laws hold).
The process is analogous to steady-state theories of the universe which postulated that the tensions involved in maintaining a space would cause the creation of hydrogen from nothing. Dynamite quanta are quite large (stick sized) and unstable (lit). Such quanta are attracted to psychic forces generated by feelings of distress in "cool" characters (see Amendment B, which may be a special case of this law), who are able to use said quanta to their advantage. One may imagine C-spaces where all matter and energy result from primal masses of dynamite exploding. A big bang indeed.

(in reply to sambamanslilgirl)
Profile   Post #: 597
RE: subs who don't know their place - 4/28/2007 6:00:01 PM   
kitbaloo


Posts: 59
Joined: 3/19/2007
Status: offline



Funny Taglines


  • Backup not found: (A)bort (R)etry (P)anic
  • My reality check just bounced.
  • Unable to locate Coffee -- Operator Halted!
  • Press any key to continue or any other key to quit
  • All wiyht. Rho sritched mg kegtops awound?
  • LISP: Lots of Idiotic Stupid Parenthesis
  • Press Ctrl-Alt-Delete to Save
  • Recursive, adj.; see Recursive
  • If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
  • Do Not Attempt to Traverse a Chasm in Two Leaps.
  • "DesqView!" ...Gesundheit.
  • **FLASH** Energizer Bunny arrested, charged with battery.
  • Not tonight dear.... I have a modem.
  • Can I yell "movie" in a crowded firehouse??
  • Help stamp out and abolish repetitive redundancy!
  • Easy as 3.14159265358979323846...
  • C code. C code run. Run, code, run ... PLEASE!
  • How do I set my Laser printer to "Stun"?
  • Me hav'em heap trouble. - Tonto the programmer
  • A rolling stone gathers momentum.
  • To increase speed add lightness
  • Cole's Law: thinly sliced cabbage.
  • Old Mcdonald had a computer, with EIA I/O.
  • Taco Bell Laboratories: where UNIX programmers eat out.
  • I'm sorry my Karma ran over your Dogma.
  • All that glitters has a high refractive index.
  • Breaking Windows isn't just for kids anymore....
  • Mary had a little RAM- about a MEG or so.
  • Eunuchs, the non-gender-specific OS
  • One if by LAN, 2 if by C, 3 if by ERR.
  • Feet Smell? Nose Run? Hey, you're upside down!
  • I/O, I/O, it's off to work we go...
  • Talk is cheap - Because supply exceeds demand.

(in reply to kitbaloo)
Profile   Post #: 598
RE: subs who don't know their place - 4/28/2007 6:04:23 PM   
kitbaloo


Posts: 59
Joined: 3/19/2007
Status: offline


Calcium is Funny






How much calcium is in a woman's breast?
Enough to make a bone eight inches long.

(in reply to kitbaloo)
Profile   Post #: 599
RE: subs who don't know their place - 4/28/2007 6:06:05 PM   
kitbaloo


Posts: 59
Joined: 3/19/2007
Status: offline


Three Explorers Are Captured...






    A Frenchman, an Englishman and a New Yorker were exploring the jungle and were captured by a fierce tribe. As they sit in a hut, awaiting their fate, the chief comes to them and says, "The bad news is that now that we've caught you, we're going to kill you, and then use your skins to build a canoe. The good news is that you get to choose how you die."
    The Frenchman says, "I take ze poison." The chief gives him some poison, the Frenchman says, "Vive la France!" and drinks it down.
    The Englishman says, "A pistol for me, please." The chief gives him a pistol, he points it at his head, says, "God save the queen!" and blows his brains out.
    The New Yorker says, "Gimme a fork." The chief is puzzled, but he shrugs and gives him a fork. The New Yorker takes the fork and starts jabbing himself all over -- the stomach, the sides, the chest, everywhere.
    There's blood gushing out all over, it's horrible. The chief is appalled, and screams, "What are you doing???"
    The New Yorker looks at the chief and says, "So much for your canoe,  asshole!"

(in reply to kitbaloo)
Profile   Post #: 600
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