RE: Give me some good old-fashioned Head.

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RE: Give me some good old-fashioned Head. - 3/28/2007 3:00:03 PM

SusanofO

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agirl: I know, me too. I mean I do, and can enjoy it, but I can't really get interested in bdsm activity w/someone unless I've had a good conversation with them about something else that has "delved deeper" somehow, whether that is talking about relationships in general, giving or getting advice from eachother about a situation, or talking about needs and desires that are individual to us as people, and have more to do w/us as individuals, not just people w/bdsm needs.

I just need to know we could be compatible in ways not having much to do with spanking and flogging.

There are exceptions to this, of course. When I first started investigating bdsm, I intentionally sought out two separate scenes w/men, without knowing them at all, simply because I wanted to scene to figure out if my interest in bdsm activity was genuine, or "all in my head". So, as a "learning tool", I'd still be open to that. But not for a real (deeper, less superficial) relationship.

- Susan

< Message edited by SusanofO -- 3/28/2007 3:02:55 PM >

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RE: Give me some good old-fashioned Head. - 3/28/2007 3:08:45 PM

blushingflower

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For a one-shot play partner? I would prefer it but it's not as important, especially if that play partner has been chosen by Daddy. But I could never truly submit fully to someone who wasn't at least as smart as me, if not smarter. I love listening to Daddy talk about things he knows about, I love knowing that I can ask him questions and that he knows things.
A D/s relationship is a relationship, and for me to have sucessful relationship, the other partner has to be someone I enjoy spending time with, which means they have to be intelligent and capable of holding an interesting conversation. Stupity is a hard limit for me. My ideal partner is intelligent, kind, funny, and Dominant. And that's not an ordered list, those are all make-or-break requirements. If you're smart but mean, I'm not interested. If you're nice but dumb, well, that's sweet, but we're not going anywhere. If you're smart, funny, nice and a submissive, we'll be great friends, but I need a Dominant for a partner.

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RE: Give me some good old-fashioned Head. - 3/28/2007 3:16:03 PM

SusanofO

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I agree that smart and mean are a bad combo. I don't find this at all attractive, either (I am not referring to Sadists here - I am referring to jerks).

Poeple who I think aren't that bright can bring out my protective instincts if I like them as people, too. Otherwise, they can sometimes be downright annoying. Sorry if that sounds hard. But, I'd find it difficult to take orders from a Dominant I really considered stupid. A male submissive might be slightly easier to deal with, in that regard, but most male submissives I've come in contact with highly value things like the ability to have a deeper conversation w/ a Domme, so presumably, they'd be able to contribute to one, as well.

I am not an "education snob", either. To me, the term "smart" can have many permutations. I value someone who is intelligent, and reads and can undertstand what they read, and discuss it at some length, but also - someone who is emotionally intelligent, and cares about honing a relationship, or deepening it.

This might mean someone who just had a quirky, different way of looking at life that I can enjoy and-or learn from. I also deeply appreciate what is known as "common sense" and to me, that means things like a Dominant not making outrageous demands, or forgetting the demands he does make, as in saying:

"Oh, I asked you to do that last Tuesday, didn't I? I completely forgot". Maybe it is because I am a Switch, but my gut reaction to comments like that is: " Well. _ck you, then" (at least mentally, if I don't say it out loud.)

For a male submissive, someone who is "intense", and really obviously cares about their partner as a person (ands bothers to try to find out what makes them "tick") is almost always seen as "smart" (aka emotionally intelligent) by me.

- Susan

< Message edited by SusanofO -- 3/28/2007 4:03:25 PM >

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RE: Give me some good old-fashioned Head. - 3/28/2007 3:18:43 PM

TheHeretic

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        There has to be something going on above the level of the nipples. Stupid in a play-only sub is easy to fix, just gag 'em, but in a Domme, or either side of an LTR, there has to be someone I can just talk to.

        It isn't about education, I don't even have a real HS diploma and there are plenty of morons with Master's degree's in the world, I need to a person who can take a concept or idea and actually explore it.

       What is kind of frightening is that people into BDSM are supposedly on the higher end of the scale in terms of intelligence. How dumb must the average vanilla be?

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RE: Give me some good old-fashioned Head. - 3/28/2007 3:22:33 PM

SusanofO

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Yes. For me, education can be a turn-on if someone is a better conversationalist for it, or they are in a profession I am interested in, or one that makes them an interesting thinker. But I use the term "education" loosely. I know many folks who are very smart, but not formally well-educated. I also know people w/less than a H.S. diploma who read a whole lot, (or just think a lot) and therefore, have lots they can potentially talk about, to someone else.

- Susan

< Message edited by SusanofO -- 3/28/2007 3:23:11 PM >

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RE: Give me some good old-fashioned Head. - 3/28/2007 4:02:27 PM

ExSteelAgain

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The more formally educated I became, the more I realized real education was an illusion like that water mirage down the highway I kept driving.

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RE: Give me some good old-fashioned Head. - 3/28/2007 4:04:44 PM

SusanofO

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Ha! What a great analogy, Ex-Steel.

I still occasionally catch hell from relaitves, for dropping out of my MBA program w/less than a year to go. The truth was, I was bored to tears, and decided it just wasn't for me. I might go take a few art classes, though. I'd appreciate more education about something I am truly interested in, but at this point, I say no to endless schooling. At my age, I am starting to realize I really do have limited years left on the planet, and want to enjoy them.

- Susan

< Message edited by SusanofO -- 3/28/2007 4:09:19 PM >

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RE: Give me some good, old-fashioned Head. - 3/28/2007 4:13:30 PM

daddysliloneds

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quote:

ORIGINAL: veronicaboundcd

In general, in my opinion, most people who take this lifestyle seriously, or have been in it for the long haul, tend to be thinkers, and usually have opinions on about everything, which leads to good conversation, whether you agree with them or not. As we practice the lifestyle, we constantly are getting in touch with feelings and thoughts which are "out of the norm". and the process really opens up the mind to not only BDSM or D/s issues, but to things in general. Most things associated with the lifestyle are "cause and effect" related, and as such, we start thinking about the why's, if's and other variables that make us who we are. As we question ourselfs, the thinking process spreads to our "vanilla" world as well, and we start to open up more. This process leads to a more ballanced personality.
I think that "being on a level playing field" with your partner in the head department, is important in any relationship, and certainly consider it always, although these things seem to be like "water seeking its own level" for the most part, as I always get to know someone before getting involved, even on a friendship level, and nothing ever develops, if we can't sit down and talk on some sort of interesting level.

you put this all so well, and the only thing about it i'd change, when it comes to me personally is the fact that:

i don't go into every meeting wanting to know someone all that well; enough to make me feel comfortable enough to want to meet them, but certainly not to judge whether or not i'd want to get involved with them on a friendship level (though it's always nice to make new friends), or a relationship level. sometimes i go into it with one thing, and one thing only in mind, and that's our 'kink compatability', as well as desires and needs in that department...

sometimes getting to know someone too well can be a problem , and it's only been a problem one time it my entire life; we'd already played and found we were compatable in that area; the problem came along much, much later, when i got to know him and found out that i really didn't like anything about him at all. at times i had wished that he'd just not talk; just collect his stuff and exit scene left,( thanks for the good time; see ya same time next week)...

sometimes getting to know someone too well can be the problem! good play-partners, that you connect with on so many levels in that area, and who suck at the art of anything but 'play', when it comes to your personal likes/dislikes, aren't that easy to come by, just like good friends, and good, solid, relationships...

sometimes it's better not to allow yourself to know or want to know too much

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RE: Give me some good, old-fashioned Head. - 3/28/2007 4:39:06 PM

SusanofO

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I'll agree it depends on the kind of relationship one is seeking. Aslo, at the beginning of a relationship, one doesn't know someone as well as they might later on down the line.

I do prefer to start with some idea of what I am expecting, even though it could possibly change. Some people are content with simply meeting someone to be "play partners". I've done that, but I never really considered it a "relationship". I've only met someone twice for casual bdsm activity, when I barely knew them. To me, it can be a little dangerous, and I just can't get into the "haad-space" necessary to scene w/someone when I have to fantasize what they're "really like" in my own head the entire time. Fantasy is great - but to me, the reason I am in a real-life scene, is partly because the person does, in some way, "match" my fantasy in reality.

There are people I am interested I, who already have other partners, in which case, I need to tread carefully, and understand "wher I fit" in their life. I think these relationships can work, but I think everyone has to be on "the same page".

I've had one-on-one relationships, where I truly felt the person knew me pretty well, and wanted to know me even better, and vice -versa, too - and it only enriched the relationship for me. Of course it turned out I didn't know them as well as I thought, and we parted ways - but for a long time, things were wonderful.

- Susan

< Message edited by SusanofO -- 3/28/2007 4:43:26 PM >

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And sings the tune without the words,
And never stops at all". - Emily Dickinson

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RE: Give me some good old-fashioned Head. - 3/29/2007 4:22:53 AM

patina

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I have communication as one of my you must be able to do. I too am tired of sitting like a log and not being able to discuss what was on the news, dateline, or in a magazine. I want someone i can have a complete articulated intellectual conversation with that last longer then 1 minute. Humor compassion, are plusses but i want communication the most. On your scale i would say communication a good 9 with humor being a 8.

patina

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