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In hindsight... you can't order someone to feel better. - 3/31/2007 8:32:48 PM   
DawnFire


Posts: 78
Joined: 3/17/2007
Status: offline 		Okay, well I suppose you can order it, but it seems less than effective.
 
My boy was over to my house tonight, made a few mistakes which I gently informed him of.  He felt terrible and all the cuddling and consoling I could muster couldn't change his feelings.  I am glad when he expresses a healthy level of remorse for his actions, but this amount of sadness for a mild expression of disappointment on my part worries me.
 
My question to the subs here is, how does the disappointment of your Mistress/Master affect you?
 
-Dawn
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RE: In hindsight... you can't order someone to feel bet... - 3/31/2007 8:39:16 PM   
sweetnurseBBW


Posts: 2464
Joined: 1/26/2006
From: North Carolina
Status: offline 		If I disappoint Master, the punishement I give myself within is far more than Master could give. I tend to be very hard on myself and become very, very sad and upset with myself. I usually get over it in a few days and move on. Hence why I do my very best not to disappoint.

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Sir Pain's pain slut

(in reply to DawnFire)
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RE: In hindsight... you can't order someone to feel bet... - 3/31/2007 8:41:36 PM   
hisannabelle


Posts: 1992
Joined: 12/3/2006
From: Tallahassee, FL, USA
Status: offline 		greetings,

my experience is similar to what sweetnurse described. disappointment - from anyone - has always affected me very heavily. in my relationship with Him, i've come to see, though, how allowing that to take over my mindset makes things about me, and not about Him, so it's something i try to deal with constructively rather than letting it consume me.

annabelle.


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a'ishah (the artist formerly known as annabelle)
i have the kind of beauty that moves...

(in reply to sweetnurseBBW)
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RE: In hindsight... you can't order someone to feel bet... - 3/31/2007 9:20:07 PM   
AquaticSub


Posts: 14867
Joined: 12/27/2005
Status: offline 		I get very upset with myself. Even if it was something where I tried my best, I still feel terrible. I want to please him and I live for those head scratchies!

_____________________________

Without my dominance you cannot submit. Without your submission I cannot dominate. You are my equal in this, though our roles are different.-Val

It was ok for him to beat me but then he tried to cuddle me! - Me

Member:Clan of the Scarlet O'Hair

(in reply to DawnFire)
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RE: In hindsight... you can't order someone to feel bet... - 3/31/2007 9:22:17 PM   
Archer


Posts: 3207
Joined: 3/11/2005
Status: offline 		The idea behind pennance has been attributed to the fact that people will often punish themselves far worse than nessisary. A set pennance closes the book on the matter for many. Allowing them to move on.

Isn't universal but is wide spread enough that pennance has been used by religious organizations world wide

(in reply to hisannabelle)
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RE: In hindsight... you can't order someone to feel bet... - 3/31/2007 9:30:36 PM   
jauntyone


Posts: 543
Joined: 2/27/2007
From: Anchorage Alaska
Status: offline
quote:

My question to the subs here is, how does the disappointment of your Mistress/Master affect you?

Greetings
 
I will be honest. I would rather take a harsh, painful beating than know that I have disappointed Master. That in and of itself devastates me.
 
I wish you well
 
melissa

(in reply to DawnFire)
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RE: In hindsight... you can't order someone to feel bet... - 3/31/2007 10:07:01 PM   
juliaoceania


Posts: 21383
Joined: 4/19/2006
From: Somewhere Over the Rainbow
Status: offline 		I tend to be the same way. He gets exasperated with me at times and says things such as "Oh great, now you are going to go off and flog yourself over it". When I hear him say this it tends to get me to stop punishing myself for whatever little "wrong" I have commited. If he had wanted me to be punished he would have done it himself, and sometimes I need to be reminded of this. I would suggest that approach if you have not tried it before.

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Once you label me, you negate me ~ Soren Kierkegaard

Reality has a well known Liberal Bias ~ Stephen Colbert

Great minds discuss ideas; Average minds discuss events; Small minds discuss people. Eleanor Roosevelt

(in reply to DawnFire)
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RE: In hindsight... you can't order someone to feel bet... - 3/31/2007 10:25:57 PM   
zindyslave


Posts: 601
Joined: 1/14/2007
Status: offline 		I have cryed over my Master being upset with me. I guess I am very emotional but I don't like to disappoint him so when I do and I see he is angry I apologize and most of the time I cry. He consoles me and it helps but some maybe are just trying so hard to please that when they are told of the mistakes they made it makes them break down be it nervousness or whatever it could be a combination of things that can make someone very upset when they have displeased their Mistress/Master.

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Only when you see the invisible can you do the impossible.

(in reply to juliaoceania)
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RE: In hindsight... you can't order someone to feel bet... - 3/31/2007 10:43:28 PM   
ownedgirlie


Posts: 9184
Joined: 2/5/2006
Status: offline 		I was told early on that the only person who has the right to reprimand or berate me is him.  This means I was no longer allowed to do that to myself.  He did this because I beat myself up far too much and too harshly in the early days.  Now if I do something that disappoints him, I feel horrible but he deals with it, and once he has dealt with it, it is time to move on.  He doesn't want to keep dealing with something that he has otherwise put away, just because I keep dropping it in his lap.  So when he says "move on" or "get over it" I do.  This took some practice, but "we're done with it now" really means just that. Why annoy him further by carrying on when he has told me to drop it?

(in reply to DawnFire)
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RE: In hindsight... you can't order someone to feel bet... - 4/1/2007 12:03:30 AM   
FelinePersuasion


Posts: 4792
Joined: 11/20/2004
Status: offline 		I get very withdrawn. like one time I was being silly and I made the comment that ranch looked like cum and he got after me cause we was at the food place his sister in law worked at, and I cried cause he snapped at me, and even tho I stoped crying, the jolly mood was pretty much gone anI  felt withdrawn for rest of the afternoon

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Most of the time if it looks like BS, smells like BS, you probably should not t taste it to see if, in fact, it is BS.


(in reply to ownedgirlie)
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RE: In hindsight... you can't order someone to feel bet... - 4/1/2007 5:39:25 AM   
catize


Posts: 3020
Joined: 3/7/2006
Status: offline
quote:

Okay, well I suppose you can order it, but it seems less than effective. 


Perhaps a better approach would be to order him to put it in perspective.  We are all flawed, everyone has made mistakes.  We, as submissives, really do need to ‘get over ourselves’ in the fact that perfection may be a goal but can never be achieved all the time. 
quote:

My question to the subs here is, how does the disappointment of your Mistress/Master affect you?  

 
If it is something fixable, I fix it.  A spill, I clean up the mess; didn’t put enough ice cubes in his drink, I add more ice.  If it is something less easily fixed,  I offer a heartfelt apology and promise him that I will endeavor to do it correctly in the future.   

_____________________________

"Power is real. But it's a lot less real if it's not perceived as power."
Robert Parker, Stranger in Paradise

(in reply to DawnFire)
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RE: In hindsight... you can't order someone to feel bet... - 4/1/2007 5:41:23 AM   
BoundDragon


Posts: 265
Joined: 3/20/2007
Status: offline 		If I caused any form of disappoint hurt or upset I would be devastated. Even if he brushes it off and says its ok I will still be feeling bad and worrying about it days later... I sometimes havent slept.

I even get this way if something else has upset him and I cant help put it right.

I want him to be happy and to see anything else just plain hurts

(in reply to FelinePersuasion)
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RE: In hindsight... you can't order someone to feel bet... - 4/1/2007 11:45:03 AM   
LuckyAlbatross


Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline 		I've worked for years on my partners guilt issues and taking things too seriously (not that *I* do this myself at all...)

I can say after a lot of work on processing things with him, making him accountable, making him gain perspective, showing him security within himself and our relationship...his first instinct is still to take things too seriously and too far.

BUT he's much quicker to correct himself and get back on track. 

I can't stand subs who waste time being so self-centered in their pity and sense of disappointment.  Probably because I have my own bouts of it and hate it in myself :) 

Get over it, it's not that big a deal.  I understand that might take a long time to learn, and a long time to internalize- but if a person doesn't show progress with me on that over time, it's not something I put up with.

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Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to BoundDragon)
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RE: In hindsight... you can't order someone to feel bet... - 4/1/2007 2:03:04 PM   
gypsygrl


Posts: 1471
Joined: 10/8/2005
From: new york state
Status: offline 		I have a tendency to self-punish and take little things way too seriously.  I don't even have do dissapoint anyone with my transgressions to feel the burn.  Although, if I sense someone I care about is unhappy with something I did, it makes it that much worse.  And, if they tell me its ok and stuff, I don't believe it.  Forgiveness, alone, isn't enough.  I must make amends.  (Ok, I'm a bit self-centered. lol)

What that means in practice varies by the context, but it generally means a lot of reflection and an effort on my part to not keep making the same mistakes.  It is important for me to have honest feedback  even if I take it hard because otherwise I won't trust the other person.  If all I'm hearing is good stuff, I don't really trust it.  On my end, I try to keep my reactions to negative feedback balanced and in proportion to the deed and avoid the melodrama, but sometimes thats hard.




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“To be happy is to be able to become aware of oneself without fright.” ~Walter Benjamin


(in reply to DawnFire)
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RE: In hindsight... you can't order someone to feel bet... - 4/1/2007 3:18:40 PM   
raevnn


Posts: 152
Status: offline 		I tend to need to 'fix it' or I have trouble letting it go. 

(in reply to gypsygrl)
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RE: In hindsight... you can't order someone to feel bet... - 4/1/2007 3:54:06 PM   
darkinshadows


Posts: 4145
Joined: 6/2/2004
From: UK
Status: offline
You cannot order someone to feel better and for it to just happen, I agree.
But you can order/insist/make demands that a person improve themselves and their behaviour.  This is an effective training tool.
 
I make mistakes and crumble.  He teaches me how those mistakes were made and how to rectify them.  If I wish to submit to his desires, I follow his teaching.  By doing this, I become his student and improve myself.  This causes him to be proud and that which I did wrong, is learnt from.
 
It's a win-win situation.
 
Peace and Rapture


_____________________________
.dark.



...i surrender to gravity and the unknown...

(in reply to DawnFire)
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RE: In hindsight... you can't order someone to feel bet... - 4/2/2007 5:44:21 PM   
opensoul


Posts: 77
Joined: 11/24/2006
Status: offline 		I beat myself up over little things to the point of making myself physically sick. My master is teaching me that little things are not that important and the fact that I may make a mistake is okay as that I am a newbe and I am to make them and learn from them . Learn from our missteps makes the lesson strong in the end.

(in reply to darkinshadows)
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RE: In hindsight... you can't order someone to feel bet... - 4/2/2007 5:52:01 PM   
DiurnalVampire


Posts: 8125
Joined: 1/19/2006
From: Nashville, TN
Status: offline 		Angel has gotten to the point of backing away and considering leaving the lifestyle because he has overreacted to being disappointing.  When he and I were first togehter, we realized we had a lot of face to face incompatibilities.  I wasnt truly disappointed by much, just disappointed that things we had been discussing doing he dfound himself not brave enough to do.  I wasnt going to hold it against him. He, on the other hand, was so beside himsef that he was a disappointment that early on, even a minor one, that he nearly left me.

It is not unusual for a sub, especially a new sub, to be overly upset by a minor mistake. They still think they have to be perfect adn that if they arent, we might not want to keep them.  Give it time, and as you are more comfortable together he will learn when he has reason to be upset and when it is not as much of a problem.  As with most of the subs that have commented here, it is far worse for Angel to think he has disappointed me than any punishment I have ever actualy had to give him. Thats common. REalizing the difference between not being perfect and being disappointing wil come with time.

DV

_____________________________

I will be your Dominate if you will be my submit - Fox

Snarko Ergo Sum
If you cannot change your mind, how are you so sure you still have one? -proverb

*Owner of Fox - collared 10/13/07*
VampiresLair

(in reply to opensoul)
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RE: In hindsight... you can't order someone to feel bet... - 4/3/2007 6:02:48 AM   
yenlui


Posts: 51
Joined: 3/28/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: jauntyone
I will be honest. I would rather take a harsh, painful beating than know that I have disappointed Master. That in and of itself devastates me.


I agree, well put. ;)

(in reply to jauntyone)
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RE: In hindsight... you can't order someone to feel bet... - 4/3/2007 8:10:21 AM   
mythi


Posts: 257
Joined: 2/25/2007
From: Naples, FL
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: DawnFire

My question to the subs here is, how does the disappointment of your Mistress/Master affect you?
 
-Dawn



It challenges my very identity, and that's what makes it so hard.  Little things dont usually affect me too much, but something that's truly disappointing...either to him or to myself...is truly wounding.  I feel it physically and it can make me literally sick until it is resolved.  I can't just take it as something I did, it becomes something I am.  Wrong, I know, but there it is.

_____________________________

“The truth doesn’t change based on our ability to stomach it.”
Flannery O’Connor

(in reply to DawnFire)
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