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RE: bully or Dominant - 4/3/2007 12:23:35 PM   
pixiedustboo


Posts: 14
Joined: 6/29/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: servilecat

i recently met a new submissive.  She was showing us some of her bruises and asking if this was normal.  Basically our answer anytime we hear that question is 'what's normal?' But she did concern me as it was obvious she was hurt and had started to cry.  Whether this is a personal issue or a case of just wrong, i have no idea since so many relationships are just a mix of what works. 

In her words He leaves bruises and pinches her breasts so hard it leaves blood blisters, He reacts with what seems no control when He gets angry and takes things out on her flesh.  It sounded like they don't really scene and these are just random attacks out of anger or frustration. 
Other then explaining the necessity of a safe word and hoping He respects it, i'm not sure what to tell her that we havent already said to her.
Any ideas?  Not sure how to answer her or help her without butting in.  If it were a vanilla i would be more then happy to string him up for the abuse....


Not even a second thought on this subject.  The guy is no Dominant.  He is a just a boy who gets his rocks off hurting (and not a good hurting) another person. 

A real Dominant would not truly harm his submissive.  Mentally it sounds like she isn't in a very good place also.  Being terrified of a man in a way that one is worried if they are safe is not a D/s nor M/s relationship.

And I think your phrase "random attacks" speaks for itself.  This isn't a scene.  There is no bringing her down, he just "attacks."  Why don't you explain that to her?  If she is smart and values herself she'll take the steps to keep herself safe.


.02 pixiedustboo



(in reply to servilecat)
Profile   Post #: 61
RE: bully or Dominant - 4/3/2007 2:10:49 PM   
bliss1


Posts: 497
Joined: 3/14/2007
Status: offline 		In my mind this is flat out ABUSE.

The man uses her to take out his anger and his issues.  If she is in tears I'd bet my lottery winnings that this isn't anywhere close to SSC.

bliss



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(in reply to servilecat)
Profile   Post #: 62
RE: bully or Dominant - 4/3/2007 2:58:22 PM   
LuckyAlbatross


Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: bliss1
The man uses her to take out his anger and his issues.  If she is in tears I'd bet my lottery winnings that this isn't anywhere close to SSC.

bliss

And that's why people don't like or use the term "ssc."

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to bliss1)
Profile   Post #: 63
RE: bully or Dominant - 4/3/2007 3:56:14 PM   
LadyHugs


Posts: 2299
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline 		Dear WhiplashSmile, Ladies and Gentlemen;
 
Unfortunately, not all Dominants and or Master/Mistresses are in control of themselves.  There has been evidence on forums that support such.
 
That said, I've seen a lot of cases where the Dominant/Master and or Mistress was the abused and submissive/slave/bottom/servant was the abusers.
 
In summary--we're dealing with humans with emotions.  Some cannot keep them in check and anger is more like 'rage' such as road rage and abuse, terrorism and controling in a dictatorial manner.  I prefer to see behavior and attitude more of a person/people problem not as a strictly Dominant and or submissive one.
 
Just some thoughts.
 
Respectfully submitted for consideration,
Lady Hugs

(in reply to WhiplashSmile)
Profile   Post #: 64
RE: bully or Dominant - 4/3/2007 6:51:38 PM   
spanklette


Posts: 882
Joined: 2/22/2005
Status: offline 		I think some people are making quick assumptions on what the OP "thinks" is going on. Maybe I'm a smidge cynical, but I've seen too many subs complaining about something they did willingly with a Dominant. Maybe it's attention, maybe it is really abuse, but the complaining rarely solves the problem. LA also mentioned other reasons that don't need repeating.
 
Tears don't mean a whole bunch to me either. Alligator tears to get attention or to cause drama have driven me out of many groups.
 
Maybe this is nonconsentual. Maybe this is abuse, but without first hand knowledge I don't think anyone has enough information from the OP to make that assessment.

_____________________________

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(in reply to bliss1)
Profile   Post #: 65
RE: bully or Dominant - 4/3/2007 9:48:12 PM   
MasterNdorei


Posts: 658
Joined: 10/8/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: pixiedustboo
A real Dominant would not truly harm his submissive. 
.02 pixiedustboo


And real tight walk ropers would not fall...
 
You think because you are in BDSM that singletails can not fillet a person, fire will not burn, and knife play is suddenly safe?

i am a slave. What's your superpower? Masters dorei

< Message edited by MasterNdorei -- 4/3/2007 9:58:43 PM >

(in reply to pixiedustboo)
Profile   Post #: 66
RE: bully or Dominant - 4/4/2007 6:35:36 AM   
pixiedustboo


Posts: 14
Joined: 6/29/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: MasterNdorei

quote:

ORIGINAL: pixiedustboo
A real Dominant would not truly harm his submissive. 
.02 pixiedustboo


And real tight walk ropers would not fall...
 
You think because you are in BDSM that singletails can not fillet a person, fire will not burn, and knife play is suddenly safe?

i am a slave. What's your superpower? Masters dorei


True, sometimes a submissive/slave gets hurt during a scene.  But a Dominant (a good one) would not harm them on purpose.  Not to the point of actual emotional damage - and it sounds like this one has reached that point. 

Perhaps I should have spelled out excatly what I meant in my first post. 










(in reply to MasterNdorei)
Profile   Post #: 67
RE: bully or Dominant - 4/4/2007 7:27:54 AM   
MrDiscipline44


Posts: 1776
Joined: 1/5/2005
Status: offline 		Whether you like to believe it or not, accidents do happen despite the best of intentions. Even if all preconceived cautions are taken.

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If you love somebody, you have to be willing to break them.

Those who can, do. Those who can't, teach.

Have you slapped your slave today?

(in reply to pixiedustboo)
Profile   Post #: 68
RE: bully or Dominant - 4/4/2007 7:28:53 AM   
OsideGirl


Posts: 14441
Joined: 7/1/2005
From: United States
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: MasterNdorei

quote:

ORIGINAL: OsideGirl

And this is where the "I'm a slave and he can do whatever he wants and the only way I can leave him, is if he releases me" crap floating around irritates me. It makes people feel obligated to be in relationships that they may not belong in.


i have reread the thread and am still missing it... where did anyone suggest she needed to stay until she was released?

Master's dorei


No, but it gets repeated over and over again and it ends up getting accepted as gospel. (The are some on this very forum that spout that)

She's not happy in her realtionship with the Dominant (whether it's abusive or not) otherwise she wouldn't be looking for validation of that relationship outside of the relationship. I'm sure she's either been told that or read it somewhere and it's running through her head. To me, that is one of the largest injustices that the D/s BDSM community inflicts upon it's own. I firmly believe that regardless of whether we are Dom/me or sub/slave ,we are entitled to happiness. That happiness is why we got into what we do. If you're being made truly miserable on a daily basis, you have every right to get out and save yourself.

_____________________________

Give a girl the right shoes and she will conquer the world. ~ Marilyn Monroe

The Accelerated Velocity of Terminological Inexactitude

(in reply to MasterNdorei)
Profile   Post #: 69
RE: bully or Dominant - 4/4/2007 8:07:33 AM   
sambamanslilgirl


Posts: 10926
Joined: 2/5/2007
From: Chicago, IL
Status: offline 		if he cannot control his anger and takes his frustrations out on her, then it's abuse whether it's a nilla or D/s relationship. i don't buy into the notion that "hitting, smacking you was an accident - i was angry at (insert what the problem is here) not at you" or "accidents will happen" bull crap - it's no "accident" when a man lays a hand on woman because he's having anger issues or frustrated for some known reason. this happened to me only once with my ex when he took his work frustrations out by pushing me hard into a wall. 

i only see this situation continuing to get worse if he doesn't learn to control his anger and/or she doesn't break away from him for her own safety.  i applauded for being a good friend to this person ...keep on supporting her still it's her call if she wants to allow the abuse to continue or leave.

< Message edited by sambamanslilgirl -- 4/4/2007 8:09:24 AM >

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(in reply to servilecat)
Profile   Post #: 70
RE: bully or Dominant - 4/4/2007 8:13:37 AM   
LuckyAlbatross


Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline 		Oh see I don't make excuses or call it an accident "I'm pissed, cmere and let me beat on you awhile" works fine for me.  Even my partner agrees he deserves to get beaten for a lot of the bad jokes he makes :)

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to sambamanslilgirl)
Profile   Post #: 71
RE: bully or Dominant - 4/4/2007 10:07:23 AM   
bliss1


Posts: 497
Joined: 3/14/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: LuckyAlbatross

quote:

ORIGINAL: bliss1
The man uses her to take out his anger and his issues.  If she is in tears I'd bet my lottery winnings that this isn't anywhere close to SSC.

bliss



And that's why people don't like or use the term "ssc".



You may not like it - but there are those of us who do and it explains alot for us without alot of words (sometimes words take up far to much time and can be misinterepted - call me lazy if you want - but I work to explain myself the best way that works for ME.)

I STILL do not belive this woman consented to be used in this manner just because she be slave/submissive.



< Message edited by bliss1 -- 4/4/2007 10:10:56 AM >

_____________________________

Witch before, during, and after my coffee.

(in reply to LuckyAlbatross)
Profile   Post #: 72
RE: bully or Dominant - 4/4/2007 11:04:59 AM   
MistressRouge


Posts: 876
Joined: 3/18/2005
From: Birmingham West Midlands UK
Status: offline 		A controlled mind, has a controlled hand!


http://mistressrouge.webeden.co.uk/

(in reply to bliss1)
Profile   Post #: 73
RE: bully or Dominant - 4/4/2007 11:07:30 AM   
SirDiscipliner69


Posts: 2607
Joined: 2/1/2005
Status: offline 		Taking out frustrations on a subbie is abuse...plain and simple.

Ross
©º°¨¨°º©

(in reply to servilecat)
Profile   Post #: 74
RE: bully or Dominant - 4/4/2007 11:19:14 AM   
crouchingtigress


Posts: 4387
Joined: 3/19/2006
From: Maui
Status: offline 		you are entitled to your opinion bliss but the point la and i and i think some others are saying is that we cant judge...so much goes on in the head of a new submissive...

confusion; new socetity, new folks, new rules, new ways of thinking
going against society's programming; hard and scary
religious dogma; if she or he was raised like that and many are, its deeply ingrained
the chemical dump; the brain chemicals that are working out of your system, (ie; sub drop, morning after) 
she might have had her period and her hormones could be skewy...
lust and love;....very complex emotions and hard to separtate them..
fear; yummy to play with, but easy to play too rough

thing is we dont know why she is weepy, and when folks get all soap boxy it can be counter productive to their mission, which is to identify abuse and stand up for the abused...if we start calling every thing abuse, then nothing means anything....you know?

like i said he seems like a young-an, not an abuser...just a little self absorbed...and who among us can say we have never been there?

but to me the problem is that he seems uninvested in the learning the lifestyle, and uninvested in her.



_____________________________


Service slut, durable plaything, and ponypenquincatdogpig, to Lee Harrington

This is him

"Its none of my buisness what other people think of me."




(in reply to bliss1)
Profile   Post #: 75
RE: bully or Dominant - 4/4/2007 5:24:05 PM   
pixiedustboo


Posts: 14
Joined: 6/29/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: MrDiscipline44

Whether you like to believe it or not, accidents do happen despite the best of intentions. Even if all preconceived cautions are taken.

That is why I said, "True, sometimes a submissive/slave gets hurt during a scene.  But a Dominant (a good one) would not harm them on purpose."

Just what You said.  Not on purpose, an accident.




(in reply to MrDiscipline44)
Profile   Post #: 76
RE: bully or Dominant - 4/4/2007 5:35:11 PM   
Slavetrainer2007


Posts: 231
Joined: 12/2/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: servilecat

i recently met a new submissive.  She was showing us some of her bruises and asking if this was normal.  Basically our answer anytime we hear that question is 'what's normal?' But she did concern me as it was obvious she was hurt and had started to cry.  Whether this is a personal issue or a case of just wrong, i have no idea since so many relationships are just a mix of what works. 

In her words He leaves bruises and pinches her breasts so hard it leaves blood blisters, He reacts with what seems no control when He gets angry and takes things out on her flesh.  It sounded like they don't really scene and these are just random attacks out of anger or frustration. 
Other then explaining the necessity of a safe word and hoping He respects it, i'm not sure what to tell her that we havent already said to her.
Any ideas?  Not sure how to answer her or help her without butting in.  If it were a vanilla i would be more then happy to string him up for the abuse....


As a dom, i can say i dont punish out of anger. Even if slightly annoyed i dont punish until i have cooled. i feel( and it takes quite a bit to annoy me) that doing so gives me clouded judgement in the punishment.

A dom punishing a sub  while angry , to me, is just about as close to abuse as you can get without calling it straight out abuse. Furthermore, if he has no self control, especially when angry, in my eyes  he is no Dom. He might have a dominate personality, but it seems to me  from what you said he cant control  himself and that just makes him plain dangerous.

So  in my opinion, she should find someone else before she ends up in the hospital because he went overboard once in a fit of rage.  It only takes one good fuck up by a jackass to  scar a sub physically for life and lets not get into the other scars.

_____________________________

Life is given, Everything else is earned.

(in reply to servilecat)
Profile   Post #: 77
RE: bully or Dominant - 4/4/2007 6:15:29 PM   
domiguy


Posts: 12952
Joined: 5/2/2006
Status: offline 		Better to kick the subbie than the seal.

-Jacques Cousteau

_____________________________



(in reply to Slavetrainer2007)
Profile   Post #: 78
RE: bully or Dominant - 4/7/2007 7:42:35 AM   
Manawyddan


Posts: 701
Joined: 1/2/2005
From: Petaluma (Northern California)
Status: offline 		Found elsewhere online, and it mainly fits my conceptions:

"Dominants are people who are in control of themselves. They control others by assuming that they will pay them the same respect that they pay themselves. Bullies have no control over their lusts or emotions, and seek to control others by force. "

_____________________________

_______________________________________________
"She always had a terrific sense of humor"
(Valerie Solonas, as described by her mother)
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Profile   Post #: 79
RE: bully or Dominant - 4/7/2007 7:45:29 AM   
BeatMeDaily


Posts: 99
Joined: 1/7/2007
Status: offline 		Anger is the enemy

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Profile   Post #: 80
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