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Do you want your subs to want you? - 4/5/2007 8:55:03 PM   
MissEnchantress


Posts: 23
Joined: 10/4/2006
Status: offline 		In a loving D/s relationship... Do you want your sub to want you?  Do you care what he thinks or feels?

I once asked a personal sub if he wanted to come over for the night.  His response was to the like of - what do you care if I want to or not.  You're the Domme.  If you want me over then order me to come over. 

If I ask a subs preference I think he should view it as an honour... I know some Dommes never care.  This sub seemed to see it as me acting submissively.

Thoughts?
Profile   Post #: 1
RE: Do you want your subs to want you? - 4/5/2007 9:01:40 PM   
Lashra


Posts: 4900
Joined: 2/9/2006
Status: offline 		Of course I want him to want me. I also want to know his thoughts, opinions and feelings. Besides my unmentionable he is the most important person in the world to me, why wouldn't I want to know these things?

But I know where you are coming from, my sub is new and he sometimes says to me, Your the Domme just tell me what to do and I reply  If I wanted you to do something you can damn sure believe I'd tell you what to do. For now I want to hear what you THINK and thats an order.

~Lashra


_____________________________

“We can never judge the lives of others, because each person knows only their own pain and renunciation. It's one thing to feel that you are on the right path, but it's another to think that yours is the only path.”






(in reply to MissEnchantress)
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RE: Do you want your subs to want you? - 4/5/2007 9:01:51 PM   
ClandestinedOne


Posts: 91
Joined: 3/31/2007
Status: offline 		I loooove it when a Mistress asks me something, and I give them my honest opinion.  It's not only an honor, I think, but a sign of caring, which is important in any type of relationship.  I know when I want a Mistress that I'll do so much more for her, embarass myself, put myself through torture and pain for her.

(in reply to MissEnchantress)
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RE: Do you want your subs to want you? - 4/5/2007 9:15:42 PM   
SlaveBlutarsky


Posts: 491
Joined: 10/10/2005
From: Upstate, NY
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: MissEnchantress

In a loving D/s relationship... Do you want your sub to want you?  Do you care what he thinks or feels?
Well,  from a loving D/s perspective I think that absolutely there should be a deisre for the sub to be with their Domme,  it's not submissive to wonder if someone cares about you.

To me, as submissive as I am, I want to know that my Domme has  normal thoughts and feelings. That she can open up and be vulnerable to me. even though she is the Dominant one in the relationship, she shouldn't feel that she cannot be human. I think a lot of subs kind of expect that.

Along with that comes the wanting. Whatever relationship I am in, I am going to want. i am going to be greedy and aggressive. Sometimes it will get me in trouble, but i want my Domme to feel wanted, not because she is a Domme, but because she is a woman, and the woman I choose to spend  time with.


_____________________________

Strong for all, weak for one

(in reply to MissEnchantress)
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RE: Do you want your subs to want you? - 4/5/2007 9:17:12 PM   
joyinslavery


Posts: 955
Joined: 6/21/2005
Status: offline 		No. 

_____________________________

"...we must learn, each one of us, that the world was not made for us, and that, however beautiful may be the things we crave, Fate may nevertheless forbid them."
-Bertrand Russell

Mainstream...The New Alternative

*Beware of dog*

(in reply to MissEnchantress)
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RE: Do you want your subs to want you? - 4/5/2007 10:21:43 PM   
arayofsunshine55


Posts: 545
Joined: 8/1/2004
From: San Francisco, CA
Status: offline 		You said in a "loving d/s relationship".   Well then I would expect love and i'd expect it to be a two-way street.  Without that we might have some relatationship but I would not characterize it as "loving".  The other thing is I seem a partner with a mind of his won that he diesries to use and share with me.  So if I ask if he wants something I want to know what he wants, I have zero interest in a stock/canned response.  That response of his would have put me off at the least and given me cause to think about whether we were truly on the same page.

_____________________________

Sunshine

Is it not most transformative, most earthshaking, to pierce the veils of self-deception and illusion, and crack the eggshell of ignorance, to most intimately encounter oneself? Lama Surya Das

(in reply to MissEnchantress)
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RE: Do you want your subs to want you? - 4/6/2007 5:57:16 AM   
domsheena


Posts: 5
Joined: 2/28/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: MissEnchantress

In a loving D/s relationship... Do you want your sub to want you?  Do you care what he thinks or feels?

I once asked a personal sub if he wanted to come over for the night.  His response was to the like of - what do you care if I want to or not.  You're the Domme.  If you want me over then order me to come over. 

If I ask a subs preference I think he should view it as an honour... I know some Dommes never care.  This sub seemed to see it as me acting submissively.

Thoughts?


Ok I think this is going to be a long one for me. As i am new to the whole BDSM scene i definitely know i am a Mistress. I haven´t played yet but i do have a couple of subs. I have read into a lot but I don´t think anything can prepare you for your first play. I am nervous. I know as a Mistress i am rare but like Miss Enchantress i like to know how he sub is feeling, what he is looking for, his interests etc and when he answers that his only joy is to please me well how do i know what he likes or dislikes? I also find online play very difficult and sometimes boring. I don´t get much enjoyment out of it. I often get online subs who only want to amuse themselves and not really care about what i want. I don´t want to go on about this but if anyone is interested in having a good chat with me about all this then please do. I´d love any advice.

Mistress Sheena

(in reply to MissEnchantress)
Profile   Post #: 7
RE: Do you want your subs to want you? - 4/6/2007 5:59:59 AM   
Rumtiger


Posts: 2634
Joined: 3/4/2006
From: Vegas
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: MissEnchantress
I once asked a personal sub if he wanted to come over for the night.  His response was to the like of - what do you care if I want to or not.  You're the Domme.  If you want me over then order me to come over. 


huh...sounds like someone making the rest of us sound bad.

_____________________________

Fuck the Pandas!
-Moi

Mmm, I love me some kickboxers, you know why? Cause ya'll cant take a punch!
- Quentin Tarantino.

If they cant take a joke, fuck em.
-Tucker Max

(in reply to MissEnchantress)
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RE: Do you want your subs to want you? - 4/6/2007 6:01:35 AM   
Unrepentant1


Posts: 283
Joined: 8/25/2006
Status: offline 		I would have thought it was the subs wanting of you and love of you that would give you so much control!

(in reply to Rumtiger)
Profile   Post #: 9
RE: Do you want your subs to want you? - 4/6/2007 7:16:16 AM   
Lashra


Posts: 4900
Joined: 2/9/2006
Status: offline 		Was he a novice? Because if he was that would explain alot. My sub is new to the sub end of the whip and a lot of what he "learned" about subs/slaves over the years well.....they are just wrong in my opinion.

He was a Master so I guess he had his own expectations but mine are different than his. He is learning is just takes gentle reminders and my explaining that just because some Master told you this was the way its done don't make it so. Listen to your Mistress she knows best

~Lashra


_____________________________

“We can never judge the lives of others, because each person knows only their own pain and renunciation. It's one thing to feel that you are on the right path, but it's another to think that yours is the only path.”






(in reply to MissEnchantress)
Profile   Post #: 10
RE: Do you want your subs to want you? - 4/6/2007 8:15:55 AM   
thetammyjo


Posts: 6322
Joined: 9/8/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: MissEnchantress

In a loving D/s relationship... Do you want your sub to want you? Do you care what he thinks or feels?

I once asked a personal sub if he wanted to come over for the night. His response was to the like of - what do you care if I want to or not. You're the Domme. If you want me over then order me to come over.

If I ask a subs preference I think he should view it as an honour... I know some Dommes never care. This sub seemed to see it as me acting submissively.

Thoughts?


If it is a loving relationship, the love should flow both ways I think.

However, being asked can feel awkward for some submissives especially when they start off. You my want to talk about the fantasies someone has had -- I'm betting a lot of subs have fantasies of the stereotype of cool, calm, in command dom who just orders and it happens. To experience something different can be jarring.

I start off slow, more commanding and specific at the beginning of training explaining the reasons for my commands. Over time I hope the sub learns how to serve without commands and then later, only later, do I move on to giving choices, limited choices.

I find that open ended choices still cause disconcertment for Fox after seven years. So I've learned to word things in a way that puts the choice back onto me in some fashion. For example, this evening the hubby will be out for a few hours so I asked Fox last night during a commerical for CSI "What should we do tomorrow night?" and he replied "Try to take over the world."

I messed up and he replied with a joke that told me he hadn't been thinking that far ahead and was not going to take on the responsibility that is really mine.

Now I could have said "You plan something that will please me" and that would fly well -- the focus is on his service but the goal is my pleasure; that he can handle.

It's easy to fall into those vanilla patterns, think about those are the patterns we lived from childhood.

But part of the responsibility I took with ownership of Fox was to ask things in a way that reinforces his submission to me but also respects our individual personhood and my need to not have to make all the decisions all the time.

_____________________________

Love, Peace, Hugs, Kisses, Whips & Chains,

TammyJo

Check out my website at http://www.thetammyjo.com Or www.tammyjoeckhart.com

And my LJ where I post fiction in progress if you "friend" me at http://thetammyjo.livejournal.com/

(in reply to MissEnchantress)
Profile   Post #: 11
RE: Do you want your subs to want you? - 4/6/2007 10:39:44 AM   
Samwhiplash


Posts: 191
Joined: 10/5/2005
Status: offline 		I absolutely care. I want them to want to do the things that I expect them to do etc - mostly ;-)

(in reply to thetammyjo)
Profile   Post #: 12
RE: Do you want your subs to want you? - 4/6/2007 12:10:36 PM   
LadyPact


Posts: 32566
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: MissEnchantress

In a loving D/s relationship... Do you want your sub to want you?  Do you care what he thinks or feels?

I once asked a personal sub if he wanted to come over for the night.  His response was to the like of - what do you care if I want to or not.  You're the Domme.  If you want me over then order me to come over. 

If I ask a subs preference I think he should view it as an honour... I know some Dommes never care.  This sub seemed to see it as me acting submissively.

Thoughts?


Yes, I do want My sub to want Me.  As was already said, it lends to My power.

I've started (ok, more than started) talking to a switch who I've been sceneing with.  Taking a cue from some of the topics that have been posted on the boards recently, I told him I was curious to know of his needs and wants on the physical, mental, emotional and spiritual level.  He was a bit thrown by the question, as no Mistress had asked him that before.

There are times I will ask a sub of their preference.  When I do, he should be grateful that I am considering his thoughts in the matter.  Yes, I can just tell him what I want and he is expected to do so when I say, so if I am bothering to ask a preference, it should be considered an honor or a priviledge.  I tend to do so more often than not, as I like My boys to be happy in serving.  It doesn't mean they are in charge.  It just means that I enjoy being good to them.

(in reply to MissEnchantress)
Profile   Post #: 13
RE: Do you want your subs to want you? - 4/6/2007 1:22:21 PM   
MisPandora


Posts: 2911
Joined: 4/7/2004
From: Philadelphia, PA
Status: offline 		Yes, yes and yes. 

I want him to be wholly connected to me.  Submission out of doing it as an action to any random dominant woman doesn't serve my needs. Submitting 'to me' because of who I am as a woman, because of who I am in my skin -- that is profound and what I desire in a mate and subject.

The whole "mistress doesn't care what I want" plays nicely in a fantasy, but in terms of a relationship or commitment, the slave being invested in the exchange is important.  Part of that is by contributing feedback, whether solicited, or whether through the act of "transparency" where he's compelled to share with me things that are on his mind.  The control comes into play when I make a conscious decision with the information that is before me -- *I* make the choices -- and not all of them will be in parallel to what the slave might desire or not desire.

< Message edited by MisPandora -- 4/6/2007 1:27:28 PM >

_____________________________

Pandora
Ms World Leather 2004
Ms Philadelphia Leather 2004

"Simply put, if you want a real femdom to love you, give her reasons to love you." Gloria Brame

(in reply to MissEnchantress)
Profile   Post #: 14
RE: Do you want your subs to want you? - 4/6/2007 1:27:14 PM   
SusanofO


Posts: 5672
Joined: 12/19/2005
Status: offline 		Well yes! I'd certainly want that. I should caveat that by saying that I am not into the "quickie", semi-anonymous type of scene (although to each their own, as far as that goes). 

I state this because I have not had a Domme-sub relationship yet, (I am a newbie Mistress), so any scene I do is going to be my first, and may, or may not, develop into a long-term "loving relationship" (I am reading up a lot, and have ordered some "toys", and am practicing w/them at home, though. So I am trying to "get ready" for whatever may come in the future).

But, even if I only scened with someone once, for example, I'd still need to feel I have to know them pretty well first, and feel some emotional attachment to them, in order for it to be fulfilling for me. That includes me "wanting" them, and vice-versa.

- Susan

< Message edited by SusanofO -- 4/6/2007 1:42:09 PM >

_____________________________

"Hope is the thing with feathers,
That perches in the soul,
And sings the tune without the words,
And never stops at all". - Emily Dickinson

(in reply to MisPandora)
Profile   Post #: 15
RE: Do you want your subs to want you? - 4/6/2007 2:14:42 PM   
TigressFL


Posts: 239
Joined: 6/8/2006
Status: offline 		The need to have the desire to please me no matter the task. It could certainly be "something they do not want to do" as long as their desire to please me overrides all and allows them to complete the task as I have asked them, all is just as it should be.

If they want fair they should get a girlfriend.

Tigress~FL

(in reply to SusanofO)
Profile   Post #: 16
RE: Do you want your subs to want you? - 4/6/2007 2:36:21 PM   
SDFemDom4cuck


Posts: 2809
Joined: 5/23/2005
From: P'burgh PA
Status: offline 		I think it's important and it is something I do. Previously I've gotte the same response as others here in regards to " You're the Domme, tell me what you want and I'll do it". Personally I feel it's my responsibility as a Dominant to make the best decision I can in regard to both our lives individually as well as for our life together. That means getting as much input as possible and weighing the choices carefully. So while I may ask for their opinion, thoughts and feelings on a specific issue; The final decision still rests in my hands.

_____________________________

Ms Jo

She dealt her pretty words like Blades -
How glittering they shone -
And every One unbared a Nerve
Or wantoned with a Bone -

I want a sensitive man - one who'll cry when I hit him.

(in reply to MissEnchantress)
Profile   Post #: 17
RE: Do you want your subs to want you? - 4/6/2007 2:39:08 PM   
DiurnalVampire


Posts: 8125
Joined: 1/19/2006
From: Nashville, TN
Status: offline 		I expect my boy to have opinions of his own.  It is important to me that we BOTH enjoy something.  Right now, he knows very wel that as much as I want him here, he has priorities that come first.  What I want is for him to need me. And he does, but we are at a point where we can survive not being physically together. Good thing, since if it werent for his ability to say no to me, even if he does want to spend time, his school work would suffer badly.

DV

_____________________________

I will be your Dominate if you will be my submit - Fox

Snarko Ergo Sum
If you cannot change your mind, how are you so sure you still have one? -proverb

*Owner of Fox - collared 10/13/07*
VampiresLair

(in reply to SDFemDom4cuck)
Profile   Post #: 18
RE: Do you want your subs to want you? - 4/7/2007 4:21:44 AM   
iwearpanties


Posts: 509
Joined: 7/21/2005
Status: offline 		hello Mistress' es 

this sub wish he had a speical lady like you all close to me ..ive long wanted too be under a Mistress contorl but havent been so lucky too meet or find one and im not useing this as ad whats so ever i do enjoy learning and read your thoguths on the many subjects brought up here at web site ..thank you for beign there for this subby

(in reply to DiurnalVampire)
Profile   Post #: 19
RE: Do you want your subs to want you? - 4/7/2007 6:01:40 AM   
cloudboy


Posts: 7306
Joined: 12/14/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Rumtiger

huh...sounds like someone making the rest of us sound bad.


That was my take as well. The first thing a malesub learns is that THE MISTRESS is human. The next thing is that submission is not a robotic involvement, and that obediences does not mean a surrender or a supression of one's spirit.

Without his spirit, a malesub is a boring, uninspiring person.

(in reply to Rumtiger)
Profile   Post #: 20
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