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Is this a real dom.. - 4/10/2007 4:22:31 AM

FiestyFi

Posts: 13
Joined: 4/20/2005
Status: offline

Hi to all you masters,

I recently meet a man claiming to be a dom. We chatted, I liked him and his personality. Then came the big moment of him wanting to use me the moment we meet. My instinct and reaction was not to agree to this. As a newbie this is quite a hurdle for me, and as soon as any dom suggest this my barriers go up. I just feel I'm going to be used and discarded.

I didn't agree, and in fact we fell out. He said he wants nothing to do with me. Fair enough, I respect that. What I don't respect are phrases like. "This is my way, and it works for me." "If you don't do this I will leave."

He didn't want to talk anymore about it, he couldn't see why this was an issue for me. In fact he made me feel like it was a one way relationship. No being open and no communicating about issues or problems. I do what he wants or nothing happens.

I'm not sure if there is a right or wrong answer here, what I'm seeking is to understand what a real dom is. I spoke to a great friend who said " A dom should be like a boyfriend, but naturally likes to take control because he can make the right decisons, a sub should be like a girlfriend who trust her boyfriend to make the right decisions for her. Find someone whos nice to you, who treats you well, gives you time and if they are a dom hang onto them."

So what I'm struggling to understand is should a d/s relationship be similar to a vanilla boyfriend/girlfriend. When you look for a dom should they be similar to a vanilla boyfriend, in the way that they treat you?

I know this is long winded, I've meet a few 'doms' like I describe above, and I just feel that as a newbie I was close to falling into their trap.

Any words of wisdom would be gratefully recieved, thanking you for taking the time to help guide a newbie.

Fiestyfi x

< Message edited by FiestyFi -- 4/10/2007 4:23:54 AM >

Post #: 1

RE: Is this a real dom.. - 4/10/2007 4:29:15 AM

Sinimint

Posts: 131
Joined: 1/25/2007
Status: offline

Hi there

Every person will have a different answer to this, as each couple have their own dynamic.

My Master and I have a wonderful relationship, we are best friends and lovers, and the respect we have for eachother is wonderful. However, he is my Master and I never forget that fact and am always obedient, respectful, and obliging, but still my own cheeky self too. I will never be a doormat and he would not like that either. He likes me being a strong confident woman.

This being said, it depends also on what you are looking for. Are you looking for a long term relationship, love etc, or just casual play?

The man you spoke about sounds like a dickhead not a dom. Always trust your instincts, never do anything that makes you feel uncomfortable and if meeting someone for the first time, have a safe call. Someone you call during the meeting to let them know you are ok etc.

Good luck. I'm sure other answers will be very enlightening.

Just remember to be safe always.

< Message edited by Sinimint -- 4/10/2007 4:31:33 AM >

(in reply to FiestyFi)

Post #: 2

RE: Is this a real dom.. - 4/10/2007 4:32:53 AM

IrishMist

Posts: 7480
Joined: 11/17/2005
Status: offline

Once again it comes down to 'different strokes for different folks'

The two of you were incompatible in this area; does not make either of you less than anything. He had a certain way that he liked to do things; you have a certain way that you like to do things.

/shrug

Chalk it up and move on

_____________________________

If I said something to offend you, please tell me what it was so that I can say it again later.

(in reply to FiestyFi)

Post #: 3

RE: Is this a real dom.. - 4/10/2007 4:51:32 AM

DiurnalVampire

Posts: 8125
Joined: 1/19/2006
From: Nashville, TN
Status: offline

He was a real dom, as much as you are a real sub. Becasue he does not do things your way, does not make him nor you less real. There is not just one way things should go. In order to know what sort of Dom to be meeting, you have to figure out what you want to have. Think of it this way, he would not be moved on wanting to play the first time you met and he lost interest... and you would not be moved on playing the first time you met... and you did the same. Incompatibility.
You need to meet someone to start out with who respects your decision not to play right off. There are more than a few people who want to get right into it, and there are many who are perfectly comfortable with that. Leave themto one another and you look for what you prefer.
AS to the boyfriend/girlfriend scenario, tats one of many possibilities. Angel is my baby, and our pairing is far more Mother/child than anything else. We tried boyfriend/girlfriend and it didnt work. We are not romantically compatible. However, he is and always will be my baby. For a smany relationships there are out there, there are infinate combinations and dynamics to be had. Think about what you want out of the relationship a a whole... not just the D/s part. Do you want a boyfriend? Do you just want a play partner? Do you want an owner?
Once you figure that out, that becomes what is right for you.

DV

_____________________________

I will be your Dominate if you will be my submit - Fox

Snarko Ergo Sum
If you cannot change your mind, how are you so sure you still have one? -proverb

*Owner of Fox - collared 10/13/07*
VampiresLair

(in reply to IrishMist)

Post #: 4

RE: Is this a real dom.. - 4/10/2007 5:12:23 AM

ONEDEMANDINGMSTR

Posts: 47
Joined: 8/28/2006
Status: offline

Not sure what the answer to your question is. The definition of a 'real' Dom has been debated so very much. Suffice to say that 'your' real Dom will be the one to whom you desire to submit. There will be a 'spark'.
In your profile your state you're looking for short-term or long-term .....so the offers you get will be extremely varied. Also, the age restrictions have the tendency to limit your choices to Doms who either are still 'experimenting' with their 'domliness' , or who have little practical experience. It might be best to find a local BDSM group and talk to some of us old guys......smile
Just be careful and follow the safe meeting guidelines.........and let your mind decide, not your hormones. smile Best wishes

DAN

(in reply to FiestyFi)

Post #: 5

RE: Is this a real dom.. - 4/10/2007 6:15:01 AM

BRNaughtyAngel

Posts: 1821
Status: offline

Don't do anything you aren't comfortable with, especially on a first meet.

As others have said, he may be just as real as you are, but you two simply aren't compatible.

And his disregard for your feelings should tell you something.

(in reply to FiestyFi)

Post #: 6

RE: Is this a real dom.. - 4/10/2007 6:58:56 AM

adanaydi

Posts: 36
Joined: 10/12/2006
Status: offline

It has been this one's experiences that MOST Dominant Men are well... dominant. <giggles> having said that, it is only natural for them to want to claim something they see that they like. His idea of "play" may have been pretty mild to see what you were made of, and not out of the ordinary, to see if you would obey and submit...
Frankly, this one meeting a Master for a first time expects him to take charge, let her see what he is made of. <smiles> Instead of a flat out refusal to his wanting to use you, you could have explained to him that you weren't yet comfortable, you were new, and beg some time to get to know him.
May this one ask how long you talked before this face to face meeting? ada won't meet a potential Master until she is relatively sure of two things; one, that he is someone this one could potentially want to submit to - He's Dominant in his ways and carries his personality well. and two, that he is sane and safe to be around. this one asks of his friends and talks to them, many times before talking that seriously TO the Master himself. Good Masters understand this, they know it takes a little time for trust, and maybe on that first meeting, the commands or play are more a "let's get you in the right place and get to know each other better" type of thing.

ada never ever looks at a Master as a boyfriend... he isn't. boyfriends defer to the women's taste and she controls the pace of the relationship. If ada wanted this, she'd be a Domme. <chuckles> Masters take charge, it's their nature. If it isn't, they aren't Master enough for this one.

ada.

_____________________________

ownerless, a girl prays enslavement, where she will find the freedom to soar to the skies on wings spread wide... only to willingly return to His Hand. adanaydi 2007

(in reply to FiestyFi)

Post #: 7

RE: Is this a real dom.. - 4/10/2007 7:15:54 AM

LuckyAlbatross

Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: FiestyFi
What I don't respect are phrases like. "This is my way, and it works for me." "If you don't do this I will leave."

The first statement is fine. Wouldn't you want someone to respect you if you said that?

The second statement is not fine- manipulating someone and using threats of attention to build a relationship is pointless.

But I see nothing wrong with him saying "OK, that's it, not interested" and ending it there. Maybe that's just his style. He MIGHT take rejection badly and not be able to or want to communicate anymore, or he MIGHT be a total asshole just trolling for ass, or he MIGHT think you're a clingy dork trying to manipulate him into compromising what he wants.

I personally do NOT want my master to be my boyfriend. That doesn't mean he can't treat me well and be nice. And the idea that doms naturally make good decisions is false btw.

Who knows. The point is, what you both want in a relationship isn't going to work for the other.

I'd work more on why you keep meeting doms and coming close to falling into traps.

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to FiestyFi)

Post #: 8

RE: Is this a real dom.. - 4/10/2007 7:25:21 AM

SirDominic

Posts: 711
Joined: 11/22/2006
Status: offline

Hi fiesty,

Naughty has given you the best advice thus far. As a Dom myself, let me tell you that it is completely inappropriate for someone you just met to demand play immediately. His comment "do it my leave or I leave" is a petty pressure tactic to see if you will bend to his demands.

Is he a "real" Dom? I don't know and I don't care. I DO know he doesn't have your best interests at heart. If he did he would be willing to go more slowly, especially as you admit to being a newbie.

This really has nothing to do with a vanilla boy/girl relationship. Not that many in the lifestyle don't blend vanilla with fetish lifestyles. But as a newbie, you need to think of this from a fetish perspective.

Don't do anything beyond talking in a public place on the first meeting.
Don't go anywhere else with that person on the first meeting, no matter how much you seem to click.
Do meet in person several times minimum, to just sit and talk about both your and his wants and needs from the relationship.
Don't ever go against you gut instincts. If it feels wrong, don't do it.

And the Big One: You have a submissive nature, but you are not anyone's submissive until you agree to it. Don't let anyone tell you you aren't being submissive enough. That is another cheap ploy to try and pressure you. You are not someone's submissive until YOU decide to be.

Namaste, Sir Dominic

_____________________________

You teach best what you have lived.

(in reply to BRNaughtyAngel)

Post #: 9

RE: Is this a real dom.. - 4/10/2007 7:27:07 AM

AquaticSub

Posts: 14867
Joined: 12/27/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: FiestyFi

Hi to all you masters,

I recently meet a man claiming to be a dom. We chatted, I liked him and his personality. Then came the big moment of him wanting to use me the moment we meet. My instinct and reaction was not to agree to this. As a newbie this is quite a hurdle for me, and as soon as any dom suggest this my barriers go up. I just feel I'm going to be used and discarded.

I didn't agree, and in fact we fell out. He said he wants nothing to do with me. Fair enough, I respect that. What I don't respect are phrases like. "This is my way, and it works for me." "If you don't do this I will leave."

He didn't want to talk anymore about it, he couldn't see why this was an issue for me. In fact he made me feel like it was a one way relationship. No being open and no communicating about issues or problems. I do what he wants or nothing happens.

I'm not sure if there is a right or wrong answer here, what I'm seeking is to understand what a real dom is. I spoke to a great friend who said " A dom should be like a boyfriend, but naturally likes to take control because he can make the right decisons, a sub should be like a girlfriend who trust her boyfriend to make the right decisions for her. Find someone whos nice to you, who treats you well, gives you time and if they are a dom hang onto them."

So what I'm struggling to understand is should a d/s relationship be similar to a vanilla boyfriend/girlfriend. When you look for a dom should they be similar to a vanilla boyfriend, in the way that they treat you?

I know this is long winded, I've meet a few 'doms' like I describe above, and I just feel that as a newbie I was close to falling into their trap.

Any words of wisdom would be gratefully recieved, thanking you for taking the time to help guide a newbie.

Fiestyfi x

The phrase "if you don't do this, I will leave" smacks eerily close to "If you loved me, you'd do this". A line uttered by many a man or a woman when, in fact, they don't love you. The whole "this is my way" thing makes sense. I play with safewords. I won't play with those who don't use them. There are plenty who don't. It's just my way.

Using you the moment he meets you is (not to mention letting him) is careless on various levels. Did he encourage you to have a safe call in place? I kinda doubt it. Had he seen a copy of an STD report from you or you from him? Again, kinda doubt it. It works for some, but those I've talked to had certain safety measures in place.

Finding a BDSM partner isn't all that different from finding a vanilla partner. Until you agree to be theirs and they agree to own you, you are on pretty equal footing. If you wouldn't move that quickly in a vanilla setting, why would you in a BDSM one? You aren't magically a different person now. And I would agree with your friend. Valyraen and I were dating in a more vanilla sense long before we become 24/7 d/s. However, he did make those decisions and hence fulfilled my need to be dominanted.

Just remember something: There are just as many abusive fuckwads and loser horndogs in the BDSM world as there are out in vanilla land. If something seems sketchy, there is probably a reason.

< Message edited by AquaticSub -- 4/10/2007 7:30:06 AM >

_____________________________

Without my dominance you cannot submit. Without your submission I cannot dominate. You are my equal in this, though our roles are different.-Val

It was ok for him to beat me but then he tried to cuddle me! - Me

Member:Clan of the Scarlet O'Hair

(in reply to FiestyFi)

Post #: 10

RE: Is this a real dom.. - 4/10/2007 7:31:01 AM

OsideGirl

Posts: 14441
Joined: 7/1/2005
From: United States
Status: offline

Well, two sides to this story.

So many people in this lifestyle (for lack of a better word) never come out from behind their computer or phone because it's safe there. So, I can understand a Dom/me pushing for a meeting. It's the difference between you being what you say you are and someone who is just fantasizing and playing online.

However, once you say, "I'm not comfortable meeting or playing yet", I would think most Dom/mes would keep getting to know you, so that you would become comfortable. But, understand, there's going to be a point where you're either going to have to get out from behind your computer, or accept that Dom/mes are going to treat you as a wanker.

A first meeting is a first meeting. You aren't obligated to do anything but show up. There's little harm when it comes to meeting for 30 minutes over coffee. If you feel that he's a serial one nighter and that's not what you're looking for....why are you even talking to him? Move on.

As far as the "real" Dom issue. What I consider "real" you might not. He may very well be what he says he is. Different strokes for different folks.

< Message edited by OsideGirl -- 4/10/2007 7:50:52 AM >

_____________________________

Give a girl the right shoes and she will conquer the world. ~ Marilyn Monroe

The Accelerated Velocity of Terminological Inexactitude

(in reply to LuckyAlbatross)

Post #: 11

RE: Is this a real dom.. - 4/10/2007 7:31:59 AM

SimplyMichael

Posts: 7229
Joined: 1/7/2007
Status: offline

Feistifi,

What do YOU want in a dominant? Seriously. Do you want to be used or do you want a boyfriend or some blend?

Remember, it isn't the act that is good or bad it is the motivation behind it. So before you take a friends advice or submit to this dominant or any other decide what you want and then seek to find out what his motivation is in doing it to you.

(in reply to FiestyFi)

Post #: 12

RE: Is this a real dom.. - 4/10/2007 7:36:38 AM

SirDominic

Posts: 711
Joined: 11/22/2006
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: adanaydi

It has been this one's experiences that MOST Dominant Men are well... dominant.
ada.

Well, yes and no. There are naturally dominant men and those trying to fake it. It's actually pretty easy to tell the difference. Those who are not really comfortable in their dominance make a big show of being dominant, trying to take charge, steamrolling over your wants and needs.

Someone who is naturally dominant has no need to prove anything. He won't boast and try to tell you what is right for you. A lot of natural dominants I know are quite the gentlemen. No pressure, no demands. But you can see the dominance in how they carry themselves, in how they look at you, how they talk to you. They will have an interest in you and will want to know about you.

Of course, this is not a black & white situation. Many are working on their dominance and many are in various stages between a total fake and a natural dominant. It is up to you to be perceptive and try to see where any one guy stands on the dominance ladder. The more he acts like the former above; avoid, the more he acts like the latter, give him some slack and keep your mind open. Just keep your wits about you.

Namaste, Sir Dominic

_____________________________

You teach best what you have lived.

(in reply to adanaydi)

Post #: 13

RE: Is this a real dom.. - 4/10/2007 7:44:02 AM

MasterFireMaam

Posts: 5587
Joined: 3/1/2006
From: Charleston, WV
Status: offline

Some people are here for the sex/play only. They want to get to the point right off. This isn't necessarily a bad thing, but if you're looking for a relationship, it's not the way to go. Also, this kind of sex which includes and extra amount of vulnerability should be treated with a little more care, in my opinion. AND, you need to feel that you really know the person.

Master Fire

_____________________________

The power of who we are can be intoxicating. The power of who we could be is humbling.
-----
Ms Relationship Books
-----
BDSM How-To Books

(in reply to FiestyFi)

Post #: 14

RE: Is this a real dom.. - 4/10/2007 7:53:52 AM

AquaticSub

Posts: 14867
Joined: 12/27/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: adanaydi

ada never ever looks at a Master as a boyfriend... he isn't. boyfriends defer to the women's taste and she controls the pace of the relationship. If ada wanted this, she'd be a Domme. <chuckles> Masters take charge, it's their nature. If it isn't, they aren't Master enough for this one.

ada.

*chuckles* Some my ex-boyfriends would be very amused at this. They certainly didn't defer to my taste.

_____________________________

Without my dominance you cannot submit. Without your submission I cannot dominate. You are my equal in this, though our roles are different.-Val

It was ok for him to beat me but then he tried to cuddle me! - Me

Member:Clan of the Scarlet O'Hair

(in reply to adanaydi)

Post #: 15

RE: Is this a real dom.. - 4/10/2007 8:31:33 AM

hereyesruponyou

Posts: 770
Joined: 1/22/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: SirDominic

And the Big One: You have a submissive nature, but you are not anyone's submissive until you agree to it. Don't let anyone tell you you aren't being submissive enough. That is another cheap ploy to try and pressure you. You are not someone's submissive until YOU decide to be.

Namaste, Sir Dominic

Beautifully said as usual. I've seen so many subs have their self-confidence and self-esteem knocked lower and lower for just having a few simple standards that makes these bullying types tell them they aren't sub enough or not real.

(in reply to SirDominic)

Post #: 16

RE: Is this a real dom.. - 4/10/2007 9:35:45 AM

ownedgirlie

Posts: 9184
Joined: 2/5/2006
Status: offline

Seems to me your way and his way are different ways. I saw his statement as being honest. He is interested in someone who will serve him at first meeting (you didn't say how long you had been chatting - a few days? Weeks? Months?) and not interested in someone who won't - hence, he'll leave and not invest anymore. Maybe he meant it as a threat. Maybe he was just being honest about what he wanted.

So you stayed true to your nature and he left. So move on to someone who will give you what you're looking for. But I agree with another post that suggested you know what you want before heading out the gate.

My Master used me at our first meeting. It was 2 months after we began communicating daily and intensely. It felt right to me at the time. Sometimes it is okay to do that. Sometimes it is not. Obviously for you this was not one of those times.

(in reply to FiestyFi)

Post #: 17

RE: Is this a real dom.. - 4/10/2007 9:41:12 AM

SirDiscipliner69

Posts: 2607
Joined: 2/1/2005
Status: offline

No such thing as a real dom.

A real person with real intentions that you did not agree to and he was unwilling to budge on.

I have been there.

Same intentions but more direct than the ones that will smooze you online instead of working.

So it didn't work for you...find someone that will and that you can top from the bottom.

No biggie.

Ross
©º°¨¨°º©

(in reply to FiestyFi)

Post #: 18

RE: Is this a real dom.. - 4/10/2007 10:04:52 AM

misspage

Posts: 14
Joined: 2/4/2007
Status: offline

I dislike the term real Dominant or real submissive. The thing is every single person is differnt in their wants and needs we are a very diverse community if you could call BDSM a community. In many ways being new you have to be a bit overly careful as there are those that prey on new folks and what they can get out of the situation. As a submissve i disagree with play on a first meeting, i just went through the same kind of situation with a person i never would have expected it from. There was no communication or chance for explination i was just cut off. Personally i believe anyone who is looking out for your best interest and not there own will take the time to communicate with you why they want what they want. The two of you may not agree but they will be understanding of your limits for play. On the flip side if a dominant is not even willing to listen to your concerns the the best thing you can do is chalk it up to a learning experiance and move on, for your own safety.

Another reason i disagree with play on a first meeting especially if it is private play is because this person doesn't know me. They have no clue how to read my body cues. They have no way to tell when too much is too much if i become unresponsive during play and that can happen. For me personally it's a safety thing, the person i'm playing with especially in private needs to know me and there needs to be a certain level of trust because once you are bound there isn't a dang thing you can do about anything he does to you. I could rant on, but the point is you have to do what is best for you. Do not let another person presure you into something you aren't comfortable with.

page

< Message edited by misspage -- 4/10/2007 10:08:12 AM >

(in reply to SirDiscipliner69)

Post #: 19

RE: Is this a real dom.. - 4/10/2007 10:19:58 AM

losttreasure

Posts: 875
Joined: 12/17/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: SirDiscipliner69

So it didn't work for you...find someone that will and that you can top from the bottom.

*blinks* Excuse me? Since when is finding someone compatible, topping from the bottom?

_____________________________

Just because it isn't "all about me", doesn't make it "all about you".

(in reply to SirDiscipliner69)

Post #: 20

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