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RE: Passive Aggressive Dominants? - 4/16/2007 10:34:26 AM   
MagiksSlave


Posts: 2768
Joined: 9/11/2006
Status: offline 		I can sometimes be what Master considers passive agressive (I dont know if it really is but you guys can tell me) because I dont like confruntation so I dont like to bring up when he upsets me unless it is a really big deal and if it doesnt get adressed our relationship will suffer those things I do bring up.Master is allergic to peanuts so When he done something that has upset me Ill go and eat something with peanuts or peanut butter (it actually took me some time to realise I was even doing this) he calls it passive agressive mostly because I dont perticulerly care for peanuts much my self and dont usualy eat peanut products but it is almost like "haha I can have something he cant" silly and childish right... But ones I realised i was in fact doing this I brought it to his attention and I find that Im not doing it as much.. and now when I am eating peanut products and I realise it I take a moment to think "am I eating this because i want it or am I upset with Master about something" and that has helped.


Magik's slave

_____________________________

If you’re going through hell keep on moving
don't slow down
if you’re scared dont show it
you might get out
before the devil even knows your there.


-Rodney Atkins-



(in reply to BRNaughtyAngel)
Profile   Post #: 41
RE: Passive Aggressive Dominants? - 4/16/2007 11:01:18 AM   
Stranger1


Posts: 219
Joined: 4/13/2007
Status: offline 		Fear of loss causes most of these issues.

Most Truly effective Dominants have a goal-driven ethical system that they follow. So much so, in fact-that thier submissive partner has to be able to fit into it-or they will be rejected as disruptive to his or her very life..Anything else is a deal breaker.

Most passive agressive behavior seems to be a coping system for not feeling in control of a situation............it's a way of fudging through life-rather than meeting it head on. We all make mistakes and suffer losses-but we should hopefully learn to change negative patterns-rather then enable them.

(in reply to BRNaughtyAngel)
Profile   Post #: 42
RE: Passive Aggressive Dominants? - 4/16/2007 11:29:31 AM   
LaTigresse


Posts: 26123
Joined: 1/15/2006
Status: offline 		Passive agressive behaviour is something I despise in others and fight within myself.

I think it is a learned behaviour based upon a distaste for confrontation. I also had a job that actually cultivated it quite well. It was the only way to survive in that office full of twits. Seven years of that hell taught me passive agressive survival in the best/worst possible way.

I also think that it manifests itself in quite a few different ways depending on the person/people involved. I think it is more common in women than men, especially women that are trying to be pleasing and have good manners (think southern belle). I know many southern women that can smile and be sweet as sugar, not say one offensive word but still leave you reeling from their nastiness and wondering just what the hell happened. I also know several men that are excellent at it, I currently work with two of them. "what are WE going to do with/about..............?" Knowing full well WE means they have no intention of doing a damned thing.

There are just so many ongoing tendencies in life. The causes can be simple exhaustion from feeling you are talking to yourself, or dealing with a person that simply cannot handle the truth no matter how it is presented.

Breaking the habit is a hard one. We are conditioned to avoid confrontation. To treat all confrontation as a bad thing rather than a potential for something great. I am working hard on it and constantly see little red lights pop on to remind myself I have a ways to go before I stop getting confused at all the gray areas.




_____________________________

My twisted, self deprecating, sense of humour, finds alot to laugh about, in your lack of one!

Just because you are well educated, articulate, and can use big, fancy words, properly........does not mean you are right!

(in reply to BRNaughtyAngel)
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RE: Passive Aggressive Dominants? - 4/16/2007 12:25:53 PM   
masterdstar


Posts: 160
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline 		 
PA in a “Dom” : -) is a sign of two things; Not a natural Dom and still stuck in vanilla thinking but then the same thing can apply to the other side of the coin too; subs.
You will not find this “trait” in TPE w/Ownersd and slaves and if you do it’s not real.

Enjoy your wonder-filled day

(in reply to BRNaughtyAngel)
Profile   Post #: 44
RE: Passive Aggressive Dominants? - 4/16/2007 1:21:08 PM   
BRNaughtyAngel


Posts: 1821
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: LaTigresse

Passive agressive behaviour is something I despise in others and fight within myself.


I think recognizing the behaviors in ourselves, as well as the triggers at least puts us in a headspace to try and overcome the tendancies.  Just reading the many contributions to this board for the last 5 1/2 months has helped me look inside myself for answers to many questions.

quote:


I think it is a learned behaviour based upon a distaste for confrontation.


Oh I hate confrontations and arguing, and will avoid them like the plague.  You'd think I came from a background of abuse and such, (which I didn't) but maybe it's because I came from one where my parents seldom argued and when they did, it was never in front of us.  I dunno, but my Dad is definitely passive aggressive.

I definitely need to go back and reread some of the threads on passive aggressive submissives.  In trying to learn about myself, I'm thinking for the most part I am quietly passive aggressive rather than overtly passive aggressive?  I don't know if that makes sense.  My brain hurts...... it's been processing a lot of interesting stuff today, thanks to the input of everyone on the thread and some serious introspection.

Thank you all again for sharing.


(in reply to LaTigresse)
Profile   Post #: 45
RE: Passive Aggressive Dominants? - 4/16/2007 2:05:19 PM   
WhiplashSmile


Posts: 1472
Joined: 6/8/2004
Status: offline 		When I was younger I myself, was prone to some passive aggressive behaviors trying to get a balance between my feelings and thoughts and things going around me.  I think everybody to prone to P/A at some point in time.  The thing is if it gets too out of hand.  To the point it's simply not healthy for the relationship.  Everybody is human and will have P/A issues at some time or another.  What is important is to assert your needs and wants, and to think about the balances in the relationship.   If more people could identify with the yin/yang wheel it would be better.  Even more so since the BDSM symbol is a Three Lobed yin/yang wheel.

Many Dom types are fearful of being morally or personally challenged at times, and will respond with somewhat abusive behaviors.   Because they don't want to confront themselves.  To me a Dom/me should be in control of themselves and tuned into themselves, to the point they can asset themselves without having to mindless take things out in anger!

(in reply to BRNaughtyAngel)
Profile   Post #: 46
RE: Passive Aggressive Dominants? - 4/16/2007 2:27:40 PM   
popeye1250


Posts: 18104
Joined: 1/27/2006
From: New Hampshire
Status: offline 		I could never understand that whole "passive aggressive" thing.
Being retired military I tend to be very direct.
I figure that if someone wants to come out and say something they should just come out and say it.

(in reply to WhiplashSmile)
Profile   Post #: 47
RE: Passive Aggressive Dominants? - 4/16/2007 2:45:56 PM   
LaTigresse


Posts: 26123
Joined: 1/15/2006
Status: offline 		It's funny that the military is mentioned when some of the most disgusting passive aggresive behaviour I have ever witnessed has been from military personel. Especially upwardly mobile officers.


_____________________________

My twisted, self deprecating, sense of humour, finds alot to laugh about, in your lack of one!

Just because you are well educated, articulate, and can use big, fancy words, properly........does not mean you are right!

(in reply to popeye1250)
Profile   Post #: 48
RE: Passive Aggressive Dominants? - 4/16/2007 2:54:25 PM   
ScreamerGirl


Posts: 65
Joined: 1/8/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: BRNaughtyAngel

Thank you for sharing Elorin.  It does take a conscious effort on my part to not communicate in a passive aggressive manner.  

I think in my case it's because when I do communicate directly, I've never had a positive result (relationship-wise), so I'm sorta gun-shy about the whole speaking up thing. 




Man.  BR and I read the same webpage lol.  Honest to goodness, I just read that very page today.

Most of my ex's have these traits.  I'm trying to figure out why I am attracted to PAs. 

The second part of your quote is dead on for me, too.  I'm a bit gunshy after my last two relationships as well.


_____________________________

~Screamer~

Verbosities

(in reply to BRNaughtyAngel)
Profile   Post #: 49
RE: Passive Aggressive Dominants? - 4/16/2007 2:55:26 PM   
BRNaughtyAngel


Posts: 1821
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: popeye1250

I figure that if someone wants to come out and say something they should just come out and say it.


That's easier said than done for some of us!

Just like I have a hard time understanding how some people can just come out and say some of the things they do.  LOL!

(in reply to popeye1250)
Profile   Post #: 50
RE: Passive Aggressive Dominants? - 4/16/2007 3:00:07 PM   
WhiplashSmile


Posts: 1472
Joined: 6/8/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: LaTigresse

It's funny that the military is mentioned when some of the most disgusting passive aggresive behaviour I have ever witnessed has been from military personel. Especially upwardly mobile officers.


I myself was in the military and seen this same shit coming from people!  God, I know I pissed off some Senior Chiefs and other superiors at time for simply being honest and a stickler for what was right!  Be it to a code of Ethics right, Moral right or whatever else.  Talk about an Environment with a Chain of command that does not always work.   Trust me it does not always work.   I myself had to circumvent Chain of command at times to do my Job I was supposed to do, or to make certain the right Eithical thing was done.  Why?  Because of some friggen Hard Headed Idiot that was on a power trip... that did not know their Ass from a hole in a ground.   Then again, I'm that proverbial Dom Bastard with principals.. I don't give a shit about Chain of command at times.  If the Chain is broken or not working right.   If the one above is a fuck up... I'm going up the chain.  Regardless of my rank.   Some of those did not like the fact I magically had Leverage over thier ass.   What fucking pisses me off was that some offered or tempted me to use this leverage for my own personal gain!  Excuse me, this dude does not take bribes or perks!  They fucking found out, I stick to my guns.. according to the Book and according to ethics.  Beleieve me I have had Senior Chiefs and others trying to Gun for my ass.   They never got a piece of my ass, because I applied the same standards to myself as I expected from those above me.  Trust me, being honest and real has always saved my ass.. other peoples asses... got the job done in the end.

I do have to agree with LaTigresse... I saw more of this in the Service... simply because of the Rank one wore...  

(in reply to LaTigresse)
Profile   Post #: 51
RE: Passive Aggressive Dominants? - 4/16/2007 3:00:56 PM   
Stranger1


Posts: 219
Joined: 4/13/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: BRNaughtyAngel

quote:

ORIGINAL: popeye1250

I figure that if someone wants to come out and say something they should just come out and say it.


That's easier said than done for some of us!

Just like I have a hard time understanding how some people can just come out and say some of the things they do.  LOL!


Like answering "Does this make me look fat?"

(in reply to BRNaughtyAngel)
Profile   Post #: 52
RE: Passive Aggressive Dominants? - 4/16/2007 3:38:00 PM   
swtnsparkling


Posts: 1738
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline 		I have Dom friend who does Not have any of those traits

_____________________________

Never make anyone a priority who treats you as an option 2003

Walk in Peace
A "No" uttered from deepest conviction is better than a "Yes" uttered merely to please



(in reply to BRNaughtyAngel)
Profile   Post #: 53
RE: Passive Aggressive Dominants? - 4/16/2007 6:52:57 PM   
ownedgirlie


Posts: 9184
Joined: 2/5/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: BRNaughtyAngel
Thank you for sharing all of this owned.  I feel like I have just discovered some hidden artifact of information!  Silly, I know, but it's like a lightbulb going off and finally seeing something for what it really is and not through hope-filled eyes.

As for the "land of confusion", wow are you ever right about that!!  And I'm just happy that you were able to get rid of that piece of real estate in your land of confusion, and find happiness.


Seeing the healthy truth, despite how painful it can be, is the best way to recover and move on.  I know all about those hope filled eyes. But the more clearly I saw reality, the easier it was for me to let go of hoping for what was non existant.

Thank you for your real estate comment.  It made me smile.  And I actually do have a cute little home on half an acre in the Sierra Foothills for sale, speaking of real estate, lol.  LOL trying to unload it fast - sorry for the plug...heh.

And LA, yeah for some reason I can't get Genesis off the brain...

(in reply to BRNaughtyAngel)
Profile   Post #: 54
RE: Passive Aggressive Dominants? - 4/16/2007 8:10:31 PM   
kiyari


Posts: 631
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: KnightofMists
...
Sometimes calling a spade a spade is just not what a person wants to hear or is willing to hear.


I resonate with that [as recipient] and yet,
as 'cold water in the face', it has power to bring someone to their personal mirror...
and is thus potentially a great albeit discomfiting 'gift'.

_____________________________

Black Water Dragon

(in reply to KnightofMists)
Profile   Post #: 55
RE: Passive Aggressive Dominants? - 4/16/2007 8:27:50 PM   
LuckyAlbatross


Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline 		I'm just going to comment on all the "direct" and "call a spade a space" comments here.

Now I get a lot of guff for being all tough love on people, for being too hard sided, for not letting other perspectives in.  The reality is, that on a forum like this, I don't NEED to be the softy- because for everyone ONE of me, there's a dozen softies out there giving that perspective.  They are doing the job that needs to be done- providing the spectrum of perspectives which is what makes forums awesome for what they are.

The problem is if you try to carry this into a personal relationship with a single person- it doesn't work so well anymore.  You keep calling your spade by your spade, without giving any deference to context, communication styles, different perspectives, and you'll find your "directness" driving you into one place- a very hard wall.

When you're in a personal relationship with someone else, you've got to be your own moderator- your own softy and hard ass.  We all want to stay true to ourselves and our styles I find that good relationships can bend and flex a heck of a lot to accommodate the communication weaknesses and holes of the other person.

But we can all only bend and flex so much and if people approach communicating WITHIN a relationship as "This is it, you don't like, tough" will find themselves very unhappy with a very frustrated partner.

Communication is a two way process.  Just being direct isn't the goal.

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to kiyari)
Profile   Post #: 56
RE: Passive Aggressive Dominants? - 4/16/2007 8:34:03 PM   
Elorin


Posts: 970
Joined: 8/22/2004
From: San Antonio, TX
Status: offline 		I really found (after I heard the term passive aggressive and did some reading) that "fear of confrontation" was one of the biggest descriptors of those I've met that I would describe as PA.
The other would be "say one thing, behave in a way that completely denies it."

For instance, an ex-roommate owed me a debt. EVERY time she was asked about this by me, she said she would pay it. EVERY time someone else spoke to her about it, she laughed and said she never intended to pay it. She was afraid of the confrontation with me if she said she never intended to pay it, and afraid of the consequences (i.e. a civil suit).

My ex-boyfriend/fiance/roommate was consistently being asked "Do you want X? Are you ok with Y?" and he would say yes. And then he would vigorously sulk, slam doors, walk around and exude a bitchy mood - because he lied. He said what he thought I wanted to hear because he was afraid of a confrontation or conflict if he didn't. He was afraid of me not liking him. He was afraid of me saying "no, you can't have your choice" because he ALWAYS translated it as personal rejection.

There's lots of PA behavior, and there are people who actually have PA as a personality disorder. And it sucks.

(in reply to LuckyAlbatross)
Profile   Post #: 57
RE: Passive Aggressive Dominants? - 4/16/2007 8:37:18 PM   
kiyari


Posts: 631
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: popeye1250

I could never understand that whole "passive aggressive" thing.
Being retired military I tend to be very direct.
I figure that if someone wants to come out and say something they should just come out and say it.


Yes, 'should', but... Courage enters into it.

_____________________________

Black Water Dragon

(in reply to popeye1250)
Profile   Post #: 58
RE: Passive Aggressive Dominants? - 4/16/2007 8:38:44 PM   
LuckyAlbatross


Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Elorin
There's lots of PA behavior, and there are people who actually have PA as a personality disorder. And it sucks.

Most people who are PA are just insecure and have sucky communication habits.  And for the others, the PA is just a symptom of a larger encompassing disorder.

I just know I can deal with someone who is PA a lot easier than someone who is bi-polar and not stable.

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to Elorin)
Profile   Post #: 59
RE: Passive Aggressive Dominants? - 4/16/2007 8:43:32 PM   
Elorin


Posts: 970
Joined: 8/22/2004
From: San Antonio, TX
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: LuckyAlbatross
Most people who are PA are just insecure and have sucky communication habits.  And for the others, the PA is just a symptom of a larger encompassing disorder.

I just know I can deal with someone who is PA a lot easier than someone who is bi-polar and not stable.


That's a rather nasty thing to say to someone who is bipolar. Are you implying I'm instable, or just that dealing with someone bipolar when they are having instability is rough?

As for me, I understand the shit someone w/ bipolar goes through, and I'd much rather deal with someone w/ bipolar who is dealing with the instability of a mood swing or meds not working than someone who lies, no matter how much I might understand why they lie. ~shrugs~

(in reply to LuckyAlbatross)
Profile   Post #: 60
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