quote:

ORIGINAL: UR2Badored
...I wonder how many people who suffer from this (passive aggressive disorder or any suppossive neurotic order)... 

quote:

ORIGINAL: MstrssPassion
compatible dysfunctions... lol

I laugh but I also agree. 

I think this just might be a great goal for many... lay it all out there, all the sorted details... seeing that buyer beware isn't considered & the results are so many vendictive retorts

quote:

ORIGINAL: UR2Badored

I found the Passive Aggressive Dom thread to be a real eye opener for me and very informative. I did not want to hijack that thread.
I wonder how many people who suffer from this (passive aggressive disorder or any suppossive neurotic order) would be able, inclined, or mentally equipped to recognize a problem. It got me thinking to how we recognize red flags in a relationship or potential relationship.  Are we proactive or reactive?  I think we all have a tendency, at least I do, to morph off and have a moment of regret.  The patterns people display are more telling. 

In a proactive approach, what is your basic criteria when seeking a mate particularly in this lifestyle?

Here are a few of mine:
1) I like to ask about past relationships.  I am not so interested in the relationships as I am to his/her role in the relationship and how he/she treats pass partners. Simply to find out if the person is always a victim in relationships or displays any symptoms of grandiosity. If the last few relationships were really bad and entirely the other person's fault, that is a big red flag.

2) If they identify as a Sadist, I want to know exactly how they relate to that term and not just what he/she is labeled as.   I think there is a distinct difference between consensual sensual pain and a desire to inflict real pain and harm.  I dont tend to think that all people see the two distinctly.

3) Can one admit to mistakes in everyday life?  Is one constantly defending the actions in a self-righteous way? Does he/she displays any signs of responsibility and fair judgement? Questions about his/her job can be helpful in this.

4) How does he/she react to confrontation in a conversation?  I want to know if they cope by retreating or by having an honest open dialogue.  Does he/she have difficulty in OCDing and have a tendency to rehash past experiences?

It is funny, but I dont necessarily look for someone with similar "lifestyle" (sorry not enough coffee yet to think of a better word) interests.  I find that the best Dominant/sub experiences I have are with people who did not necessarily fit my sensual activities criteria (people vary).  If the chemistry is right, I am open to new things (for the most part).  5) Is having the same sensual interests part of your criterial for you search?  Needless to say exploring the same interests is fine......it is more of a question to how highly you might rate it on your criteria for finding a mate.

6) When seeking a Dominant, I want to know if they want things his/her way or if he/she has any concern for submissive's welfare.  I am not seeking a tyrant.

7) I try to access if I truly admire a person and seek out a person with character.  It is very important in my criteria to find someone I truly adore as opposed to me "roleplaying" a submissive. I like to learn about a person's childhood and their struggles.

8)I also tend to be suspicious of someone who is too caught up in labels.  Just because someone slaps on labels or hasnt slap on labels for that matter has no bearing on me.  I want to make/form my own opinion on whether someone has qualities.....not have someone list them in a font as "proof".  (I am a hypocrite see #2)

9)Does relationships to family members play a role in your criteria?

I know that balance is key to all things.  I know that people want things like humor, empathy, and intelligence...but I am asking about criteria and questions you base/access judgements or red flags on a potential mate.    This may be common sense to some, but I am genuinely curious to what other's criteria might be as an added insight in a future search. 

10)Do you based your criteria (red flags) as you go along or before you initiate the relationship? 

Thanks for any insight on this--I enjoy the different perspectives from this board.

quote:

ORIGINAL: UR2Badored

I found the Passive Aggressive Dom thread to be a real eye opener for me and very informative. I did not want to hijack that thread.
I wonder how many people who suffer from this (passive aggressive disorder or any suppossive neurotic order) would be able, inclined, or mentally equipped to recognize a problem. It got me thinking to how we recognize red flags in a relationship or potential relationship.  Are we proactive or reactive?  I think we all have a tendency, at least I do, to morph off and have a moment of regret.  The patterns people display are more telling. 

In a proactive approach, what is your basic criteria when seeking a mate particularly in this lifestyle?

Here are a few of mine:
1) I like to ask about past relationships.  I am not so interested in the relationships as I am to his/her role in the relationship and how he/she treats pass partners. Simply to find out if the person is always a victim in relationships or displays any symptoms of grandiosity. If the last few relationships were really bad and entirely the other person's fault, that is a big red flag.

2) If they identify as a Sadist, I want to know exactly how they relate to that term and not just what he/she is labeled as.   I think there is a distinct difference between consensual sensual pain and a desire to inflict real pain and harm.  I dont tend to think that all people see the two distinctly.

3) Can one admit to mistakes in everyday life?  Is one constantly defending the actions in a self-righteous way? Does he/she displays any signs of responsibility and fair judgement? Questions about his/her job can be helpful in this.

4) How does he/she react to confrontation in a conversation?  I want to know if they cope by retreating or by having an honest open dialogue.  Does he/she have difficulty in OCDing and have a tendency to rehash past experiences?

It is funny, but I dont necessarily look for someone with similar "lifestyle" (sorry not enough coffee yet to think of a better word) interests.  I find that the best Dominant/sub experiences I have are with people who did not necessarily fit my sensual activities criteria (people vary).  If the chemistry is right, I am open to new things (for the most part).  5) Is having the same sensual interests part of your criterial for you search?  Needless to say exploring the same interests is fine......it is more of a question to how highly you might rate it on your criteria for finding a mate.

6) When seeking a Dominant, I want to know if they want things his/her way or if he/she has any concern for submissive's welfare.  I am not seeking a tyrant.

7) I try to access if I truly admire a person and seek out a person with character.  It is very important in my criteria to find someone I truly adore as opposed to me "roleplaying" a submissive. I like to learn about a person's childhood and their struggles.

8)I also tend to be suspicious of someone who is too caught up in labels.  Just because someone slaps on labels or hasnt slap on labels for that matter has no bearing on me.  I want to make/form my own opinion on whether someone has qualities.....not have someone list them in a font as "proof".  (I am a hypocrite see #2)

9)Does relationships to family members play a role in your criteria?

I know that balance is key to all things.  I know that people want things like humor, empathy, and intelligence...but I am asking about criteria and questions you base/access judgements or red flags on a potential mate.    This may be common sense to some, but I am genuinely curious to what other's criteria might be as an added insight in a future search. 

10)Do you based your criteria (red flags) as you go along or before you initiate the relationship? 

Thanks for any insight on this--I enjoy the different perspectives from this board.

I want to know all the 10 points you have listed and  more , if you are seeking more

  Yet so many are eager to jump into meeting and relationships, amazing and amusing, great post.

quote:

ORIGINAL: KatyLied

I like to get to know the person first.  I ask about their daily life - work, interests, hobbies, inquire about what sort of relationship they have with:  their friends, ex's, um's, family.  I don't rush into conversations about sex and kink and anyone who hurries that along won't get far with me.  The things I will rule out quickly:  a physical sadist, becuase I don't enjoy pain and I don't want to endure a lot of it, that much I am sure of, someone who is desperate and in a rush to make a relationship happen.  I'm not desperately seeking and I don't want to be with someone who is desperate, to me that is indicative of some interpersonal issues that I don't want to be a part of.