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Threatened, but not given... - 4/17/2007 4:25:53 PM   
damia


Posts: 190
Joined: 10/26/2006
Status: offline 		Lately, my Lord has been unable to give me much attention at all, because of having to learn a new computer system at work, that demands He work later hours, and now He's working night shift for two weeks (7pm-7am). And since i started work today where i'll be working 8am-4pm, we'll have even less time together.

Over the weekend, i racked up some punishments...first for forgetting to lock my car when we left for the weekend, then for forgetting the directions at the house, then for dropping the directions in a rain puddle so that they were almost illegible, and then for getting my Lord lost, and so on....and He said each item was 5 lashes with the belt (40 lashes in all *shamed headbow). But the punishment, which was supposed to be given Sunday according to His threat, wasn't dealt out, i reminded Him of it, and He told me that yes, He knew this but He had such a busy weekend and was tired, and would deal with it later. But now we see each other for 2 hours if we're lucky for the next two weeks, except on the weekends, and He had time yesterday, because neither of us were working...

i just am not sure if He plans to even punish me, and i'm afraid that it'll become just threats, and that the punishments won't be punishments anymore...

What happens when threats become empty? How can this be avoided? i feel so guilty about all the stupid things i did this weekend, and i'm going to feel guilty for a long time, i think, if i'm not punished for it, because i really feel like i was just such an idiot. *sigh*

i just don't know what i'm supposed to feel about this. Advice?

~jewel
Profile   Post #: 1
RE: Threatened, but not given... - 4/17/2007 4:31:14 PM   
NakedGirlScout


Posts: 370
Joined: 1/10/2006
From: Toronto
Status: offline 		I don't know what exactly to tell you jewel, but those crimes you committed don't seem to warrant such a severe punishment, after all they were completely unintentional and accidental? I don't do well with "punishment in theory" either, it makes me feel lost and insecure and most especially if I'm not able to have enough ordinary time together with Master. Maybe it would be for the best if both of you cherished the little time you did have together and used it for keeping in touch emotionally... maybe it's only me, but punishment (for rather trivial offenses, not serious ones) has always felt like a bit of a waste of time together.

(in reply to damia)
Profile   Post #: 2
RE: Threatened, but not given... - 4/17/2007 4:32:39 PM   
Celeste43


Posts: 3066
Joined: 2/4/2006
From: NYS
Status: offline 		Wait till the two weeks are over for physical punishments. If you feel in need of punishment and he has neither the time nor energy to do so, ask him for some other kind. Writing 500 times I will lock my door, stuff like that. Tell him you know there isn't any time to interact now, but you need him to think of something else you can do and report back to him. Bring yourself just to the edge of orgasm twice a day and no fulfillment until the two weeks is over is a possibility. Write him an erotic story nightly about punishment.

Just tell him, write him if necessary, about you feeling forgotten and could he please dream up some other punishment.

However considering what's going on and what things have been like in the past I doubt he'll switch from being on top of things to totally empty threats from now on. Just let him have his two weeks and extra recovery time. Night shift is very tough on the body. Expect him to be more tired than usual even afterwards.

(in reply to damia)
Profile   Post #: 3
RE: Threatened, but not given... - 4/17/2007 4:50:17 PM   
Wildfleurs


Posts: 1650
Joined: 9/24/2004
From: Connecticut
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: damia

Lately, my Lord has been unable to give me much attention at all, because of having to learn a new computer system at work, that demands He work later hours, and now He's working night shift for two weeks (7pm-7am). And since i started work today where i'll be working 8am-4pm, we'll have even less time together.

Over the weekend, i racked up some punishments...first for forgetting to lock my car when we left for the weekend, then for forgetting the directions at the house, then for dropping the directions in a rain puddle so that they were almost illegible, and then for getting my Lord lost, and so on....and He said each item was 5 lashes with the belt (40 lashes in all *shamed headbow). But the punishment, which was supposed to be given Sunday according to His threat, wasn't dealt out, i reminded Him of it, and He told me that yes, He knew this but He had such a busy weekend and was tired, and would deal with it later. But now we see each other for 2 hours if we're lucky for the next two weeks, except on the weekends, and He had time yesterday, because neither of us were working...

i just am not sure if He plans to even punish me, and i'm afraid that it'll become just threats, and that the punishments won't be punishments anymore...

What happens when threats become empty? How can this be avoided? i feel so guilty about all the stupid things i did this weekend, and i'm going to feel guilty for a long time, i think, if i'm not punished for it, because i really feel like i was just such an idiot. *sigh*

i just don't know what i'm supposed to feel about this. Advice?

~jewel



I'd try to transfer those guilty feelings into something more productive, because right now it sounds very *I* focused and considering that you were the one that made the mistake, I don't see why it should be *I* focused.

Knowing that he has a couple of rough weeks why don't you re-focus on how you can try to make his life smoother and more enjoyable? Little things that you can do to make his environment more comfortable when he's not pulling extra time at work.

I'd wait until after this rough period at work is over to approach him about your punishment - to me it doesn't sound like it'll be productive to mention it when he's tired and stressed (and again it'll be all about *you*).

C~


_____________________________

"Just because you've always done it that way doesn't mean it's not incredibly stupid." -despair.com

~~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
The heart of it all - http://www.wildfleurs.com
~~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

(in reply to damia)
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RE: Threatened, but not given... - 4/17/2007 4:56:03 PM   
LuckyAlbatross


Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline 		I like what Wild said, but really, forgotten expectations lead to lost trust- that's just how it is.

I'm wondering why the need to rack up so many punishments over so many things.  I'd say rather than keep racking up all these little things which add up to you pretty much feeling deflated over the whole thing and not actually LEARNING better time management and organizations skills- instead do a single overall "lesson learning thing" to show his disappointment in your overall performance on that day and to teach you better skills.

Since time right now is so vital for you both, don't worry about the punishments and try to focus on being happy together.  Training is a lot more than "something went wrong, now you're being punished for it" and if he doesn't even have the time or energy for that right now, as Wild said, just try and be proactive and get through this rough patch.  Later you can sit down and form more productive training methods together.

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to Wildfleurs)
Profile   Post #: 5
RE: Threatened, but not given... - 4/17/2007 5:04:41 PM   
FelinePersuasion


Posts: 4792
Joined: 11/20/2004
Status: offline 		See I think they're trivial and you think their trivial, but to her and to him they're not. We can't really say if other people's dynamics are trivial.

Maybe she lives in a very bad neighborhood so locking your car door is vital to not only your saftey but the saftey of the car.
quote:

ORIGINAL: NakedGirlScout

... maybe it's only me, but punishment (for rather trivial offenses, not serious ones) has always felt like a bit of a waste of time together.


_____________________________

Most of the time if it looks like BS, smells like BS, you probably should not t taste it to see if, in fact, it is BS.


(in reply to NakedGirlScout)
Profile   Post #: 6
RE: Threatened, but not given... - 4/17/2007 5:06:34 PM   
Stranger1


Posts: 219
Joined: 4/13/2007
Status: offline 		It really begins to bite it when you think you don't merit the attention for a follow up-eh?

Maybe you had best pay closer attention in the future-one common trait with many doms is that they become lax when they get frustrated-and stop taking the dynamic seriously.

You can imagine where it goes from there-details matter.

(in reply to damia)
Profile   Post #: 7
RE: Threatened, but not given... - 4/17/2007 6:07:12 PM   
Casie


Posts: 450
Joined: 1/5/2006
Status: offline 		I know where you are coming from if I go unpunished I also feel extream guilt until the punishment is delt. As far as what to do about it I don't have anything to add the suggestions the pervious posted have given

(in reply to Stranger1)
Profile   Post #: 8
RE: Threatened, but not given... - 4/17/2007 6:16:49 PM   
sweetnurseBBW


Posts: 2464
Joined: 1/26/2006
From: North Carolina
Status: offline 		He is the Dom so he can change his mind when he wants to punish you.  Concentrate on not repeating the same mistakes and not if and when he is to punish you. Maybe now is a stressful time for him and not a good idea to bring it up and add to his stress level.

< Message edited by sweetnurseBBW -- 4/17/2007 6:22:41 PM >

_____________________________

Sir Pain's pain slut

(in reply to damia)
Profile   Post #: 9
RE: Threatened, but not given... - 4/17/2007 6:21:04 PM   
CreativeDominant


Posts: 11032
Joined: 3/11/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: damia

Lately, my Lord has been unable to give me much attention at all, because of having to learn a new computer system at work, that demands He work later hours, and now He's working night shift for two weeks (7pm-7am). And since i started work today where i'll be working 8am-4pm, we'll have even less time together.

Over the weekend, i racked up some punishments...first for forgetting to lock my car when we left for the weekend, then for forgetting the directions at the house, then for dropping the directions in a rain puddle so that they were almost illegible, and then for getting my Lord lost, and so on....and He said each item was 5 lashes with the belt (40 lashes in all *shamed headbow). But the punishment, which was supposed to be given Sunday according to His threat, wasn't dealt out, i reminded Him of it, and He told me that yes, He knew this but He had such a busy weekend and was tired, and would deal with it later. But now we see each other for 2 hours if we're lucky for the next two weeks, except on the weekends, and He had time yesterday, because neither of us were working...

i just am not sure if He plans to even punish me, and i'm afraid that it'll become just threats, and that the punishments won't be punishments anymore...

What happens when threats become empty? How can this be avoided? i feel so guilty about all the stupid things i did this weekend, and i'm going to feel guilty for a long time, i think, if i'm not punished for it, because i really feel like i was just such an idiot. *sigh*

i just don't know what i'm supposed to feel about this. Advice?

~jewel



Sounds to me like you are and were feeling a bit deprived.  It is entirely understandable given the increase in the time he spends at work and the decrease in time he spends with you.  You can look at this in the short-term way or the long-term way...how much longer will this go on?   Will this be an ongoing thing and you two are going to have to find ways to make your shorter time together count for as much as your longer time periods have or will it be for a short period and then, things will ...hopefully...move back to normal.  As someone else noted, it does seem that you are focused on "you" and on the relationship primarily and he is focused right now on his work.  That clashes but isn't part of submission acceptance?  Yes, he has responsibilities to you but is he meeting the majority of those?  If he is, then as someone else noted...let him know how you are feeling and see how he responds.  Frustration is a danger in this for him if he feels that he not only has demands at work but an unfairly demanding submissive at home.  Frustration for you because you are trying to understand his work and accept punishment when promised and then, dealing with the further frustration of not getting it.

(in reply to damia)
Profile   Post #: 10
RE: Threatened, but not given... - 4/17/2007 6:29:15 PM   
DiurnalVampire


Posts: 8125
Joined: 1/19/2006
From: Nashville, TN
Status: offline 		Dont assume the threats are ever empty.  When I punish, I will inform Angel he has earned his punishment, and there will be many oppertunities for it to be dealt out.  None of them taken. It gives you time to thik about what youve done, makes you wonder about when things will be done to you, and it keeps the element of surprise for your Master. I have found, too, that if not every punishement is dealt out, then your motication to behave is greater becasue you not only dont know what might be punished, or how, but you also never know when.  He will likely wait until it is not a chore for him, and he is not too tired to enjoy the outcome.

Time unavailablity isthe hardest thing in the world to manage through. Trust me, I know. Spending time together can become more important than punishing for poor behavior.  The puishment isnt forgotten, just put off.  Hopefully, by the time you two have time together again, you wont incur more punishments to see if they become more timely.

DV

_____________________________

I will be your Dominate if you will be my submit - Fox

Snarko Ergo Sum
If you cannot change your mind, how are you so sure you still have one? -proverb

*Owner of Fox - collared 10/13/07*
VampiresLair

(in reply to CreativeDominant)
Profile   Post #: 11
RE: Threatened, but not given... - 4/17/2007 6:33:35 PM   
LuckyAlbatross


Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline 		Of course delayed punishment flies in the face of every study on behavior modification which shows the sooner the negative reaction is in relation to the behavior which is desire to be modified, the more likely and more intensly it is to stick.

ANd the fact is when you SAY you will deliver X punishment at Y time, and then don't- it's not a matter of "doms prerogative to change my mind" it's "I forgot and/or I'm too lazy"

Neither of which is unforgiveable but it DOES legitimately cause stress that doesn't need to be there.  Just DON'T set up an expectation for the punishment to start with.

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to DiurnalVampire)
Profile   Post #: 12
RE: Threatened, but not given... - 4/17/2007 6:43:34 PM   
Squeakers


Posts: 489
Joined: 10/3/2006
Status: offline 		      I kind of agree with you nakedgirlscout.    I understand the different dynamics and what works for one is not necessarily going to work for someone else.   I know if I neglected to get directions when told to that might warrant a punishment but nothing accidental like forgetting them or dropping them in the mud.   
     What I really don't get is anticipating the punishment.    I anticipate getting a beating because I like pain, but I don't like punishments of any kind.   I much prefer spending my time with my partner, in an nonpunishment setting.   
      This is just an observation and not at all to pass judgement against the OP or the dynamics of the relationship, but it sort of sounds like punishments are being given based on trivial misdeeds and it sounds like the punishments are sort of anticipated and wanted.    I can understand this because as a lover of pain, I at times felt just that way.   Sometimes, I even did things just to warrant a punishment but that was before I could admit to anyone that I found pain erotic and stimulating, once I learned it was 'okay' to ask for a beating, I never found a need to act out in order to get beat.    I am rarely punished now and I don't think I would find any pleasure in being punished for honest mistakes.   I don't want that 'i'm a bad girl' aura surrounding me because it just seems to breed negativity and dysfunction.

(in reply to NakedGirlScout)
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RE: Threatened, but not given... - 4/17/2007 6:46:25 PM   
myobedience


Posts: 472
Joined: 1/28/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Stranger1

Maybe you had best pay closer attention in the future-one common trait with many doms is that they become lax when they get frustrated-and stop taking the dynamic seriously.




This really smells of an unncessary judgment of ..on their relationship.

_____________________________

With grace and gratitude, I am owned.
A Man who always seeks to be the best He can be for you is the only Man truly worthy of being called Master.

(in reply to Stranger1)
Profile   Post #: 14
RE: Threatened, but not given... - 4/17/2007 6:46:56 PM   
DiurnalVampire


Posts: 8125
Joined: 1/19/2006
From: Nashville, TN
Status: offline 		You might be right, LA, but after having trained him long distance, the timing of his punishments is osmehtin ghe and I have worked out to a T.   I am not saying it is necessarily the way to go about doing things for everyone, but I am saying it is a possibility.
What works for Angel and I doesnt necessarily work for anyone else. 

DV

_____________________________

I will be your Dominate if you will be my submit - Fox

Snarko Ergo Sum
If you cannot change your mind, how are you so sure you still have one? -proverb

*Owner of Fox - collared 10/13/07*
VampiresLair

(in reply to Squeakers)
Profile   Post #: 15
RE: Threatened, but not given... - 4/17/2007 6:52:17 PM   
sweetnurseBBW


Posts: 2464
Joined: 1/26/2006
From: North Carolina
Status: offline 		I agree Squeakers. After rereading the OP's post I again the thing that stands out is Lately, my Lord has been unable to give me much attention at all .  I agree that  discipline should be given out in a timely manner as LA said. Physical punishments don't work for me because I would enjoy the pain. Maybe that is what works for them. I don't get punished for the tiny infractions the OP does but that might be what works in their dynamic. I think she needs to focus on making him less stressed as it seems this is a stressful time for him. I agree more with what Wild said about the "I" thing. She is making it more about her and this isn't what he needs right now.

_____________________________

Sir Pain's pain slut

(in reply to Squeakers)
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RE: Threatened, but not given... - 4/17/2007 6:58:25 PM   
Squeakers


Posts: 489
Joined: 10/3/2006
Status: offline 		 Yes, I can see the 'I' thing too.   LOL, I get this funny picture in my head of me saying, "Can you punish me NOW Master, huh huh huh?"   then he denies it because I simply want it too much.    In all honesty though for me to be denied the belt, or the paddle or that ohhh so sweet little cane, would be a punishment.    

(in reply to sweetnurseBBW)
Profile   Post #: 17
RE: Threatened, but not given... - 4/17/2007 7:01:56 PM   
MissDiscipline


Posts: 117
Joined: 10/1/2006
From: Domme Beach Calif
Status: offline 		You know - some times , when I work a very  late shift- I  will have a sub come during a break to receive discipline...

(in reply to Squeakers)
Profile   Post #: 18
RE: Threatened, but not given... - 4/17/2007 7:06:27 PM   
CuriousLord


Posts: 3911
Joined: 4/3/2007
Status: offline 		Lately, I've stopped punishing slaves for minor offenses.  I've found that no minor punishment was a small fraction as effective as my simply telling them that they've disappointed me.

I get the busy thing.  Man, I haven't slept in nights.  I'm using these boards to try to keep my interest alive while I'm droning through this work.  I'm going to crash tonight- my body can't take this anymore.  I've been having slaves performing duties I normally would.
I hate it, no mistake, but I'm to be a provider, that's my first job.  A slave should understand when her Master is busy providing for her in ways she doesn't see directly.

This said, I understand your point of view.  While it may or may not be part of your feeling, I could also undertand a feeling of being neglected.  I suppose the best thing to do is to find out if the reason for neglect is warrented.  If it is, it's up to you to understand.  If it isn't, then you may need to beg an audience, or just tell him, depending on your relationship.

(in reply to damia)
Profile   Post #: 19
RE: Threatened, but not given... - 4/17/2007 7:09:45 PM   
damia


Posts: 190
Joined: 10/26/2006
Status: offline 		Thank you all for the replies. It gives me much to think on. i will try to be less focused on me, and more on Him.

As far as the infractions, let me explain. It's not the infractions that were the problem, it's the fact that i am -constantly- forgetting things and being clumsy, and He told me for this weekend that He was tired of my being forgetful and clumsy, and that i'd better be more careful. Yes, they are accidental, but i do too many accidental things, and it's just so stupid how clumsy and forgetful i am. He told me what i was supposed to do and what the punishments and rewards would be beforehand, and i was stupid and didn't pay enough attention to things like He told me to, and it's because i'm not paying attention to what i'm doing. i need to work on my grace (like not dropping things in puddles) and remembering to do important things (like locking my car, which He has noted as an -extremely- important thing here in Fayetteville, close to a not-so-good neighborhood). We agreed to the punishment and reward (which was going to be a shopping trip for some things i really want, like vampire gloves...) beforehand, and i failed to hold up to my side of the deal.

i cooked and brought Him dinner at work tonight, and i will be doing that every night, even though bringing Him dinner means driving at night (9pm is when we decided was the best time), which is my least favourite time to drive, because oncoming headlights blind me...light sensitivity and such. And i am going to do a thorough cleaning of the house every night He is gone so that when He comes home in the morning, He can get some rest and watch TV and play video games and paint and all that, and not worry about a dirty house. And i'm going to write notes to leave on the pillow for Him to read in the morning (because i'll be leaving in the morning before He gets home), just to tell Him how much i love Him and miss Him while i'm sleeping and in the morning, and all throughout the day while i work. And i'll set up all His stuff for work in the evening before He  has to get ready, so He can relax until just before leaving, and not have to worry about finding socks or His beret or anything.

*sigh* i miss Him tonight, and He told me that there will be many more of these between now and His deployment in September, and that the deployment length has been changed from 13 months to 15 months.....grrr...as if 13 months isn't long enough?!

Thanks again for all the replies, and i'll really try to be less self-centered and a better slave.

~jewel

(in reply to sweetnurseBBW)
Profile   Post #: 20
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