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RE: all expenses paid - 4/30/2005 5:32:56 PM   
AAkasha


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Joined: 11/27/2004
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quote:

ORIGINAL: Spike1777


quote:

ORIGINAL: AAkasha

I guess it's also hard for me to consider because I cannot dominate on command, I can't "fake" it and I don't really control my appetite and urges. I might want it 4 times a week, I might want an entire weekend of it followed by 7 days of downtime to recharge my batteries. If I am expected to dominate a man when I don't have the mindset or energy, it makes me very unhappy.


Hi Akasha, I am curious about this topic. You understand relationships. In the case where the partners do not "line up" to each others needs. Should the one partner fake it or simply be honest? Then perhaps make it up to the partner at a later time.

little spike


I don't think "faking" anything in a relationship can lead to a good thing. The challenge I always had was to make sure partners knew that if they had a certain level of expectation regarding how often I'd dominate them, we'd run into problems. I enjoy it quite often, usually more than my partners -- but I can't do it when I'm not in the mood. They have to learn patience.

It has absolutely nothing to do with the balance of "give and take" in a relationship. In all other aspects of my relationships I am completely happy to compromise or to do something just because my partner needs it -- accompanying him to a social function I might have no interest in, having sex when I'm not in the mood, picking him up from the airport at an inconvenient time, canceling my own plans because he wants me with him for something important to him. In all of these areas I am happy to oblige when I know it means something to someone I care about.

However, domination is something I cannot fake. It makes me feel ill, it makes me feel silly and it makes the entire act "sour" to me -- so much so that I lose interest in it for a few days. Because domination is something so passionate and dear to my heart and core to my lust, I don't want to taint it by domming on command.

Most of my partners have been fine with this -- because in their experiences they've realized that a woman "faking" it is less fulfilling than having to be patient and wait for the time when it's 100% real and motivated by lust.

Akasha

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Don't email me here, email me at [email protected]

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Profile   Post #: 41
RE: all expenses paid - 4/30/2005 7:08:34 PM   
LadyAngelika


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Joined: 7/4/2004
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quote:

ORIGINAL: AAkasha
But the point of this is simple -- the sense of "obligation" is obviously *my* issue, not his. This has to do with the way I am wired, not him. No matter how much a man said to me, "You don't have to feel obligated," - I still would. And if he acted in some way like I owed him something, I'd read too much into it.


This is exactly my perspective on this. It is a *me* issue also.

quote:

ORIGINAL: AAkasha
A question for the femdoms here. Say you met a guy online/phone and exchanged photos and the chemistry really felt good. You arranged for a meeting, and he insisted on flying you to see him. He paid for your flight, paid for a hotel for you (even though he insisted you could stay safely with him, no strings attached), and then when you got there took you to a fabulous dinner and to the theater. You had a nice time with him -- you genuinely thought he was sweet. But, the connection just was NOT there. All the things you talked about doing online, now you just can't think about it -- you are not attracted to him in that way. When he starts lightly dropping hints about playtime and if it's gonna happen -- do you in any way feel bad for saying, "You know what...I just don't think this would work for me. I just want to be friends."

How would you feel? Uncomfortable at all? Obligated? Even if he said "oh, ok. Don't worry about it.." but you could tell he was very saddened.

Now what if the same thing happened, but you paid your own way (and it was not a financial burden; either you had the money fine, or you had another trip for business or what not -- it did not strain you), and hotel. Would you feel any different?

Akasha


This situation is highly unlikely to happen as I will no longer travel to meet someone I've met off the Internet. I've had experiences like this in the past. I once had a man drive 12 hours to come see me and I couldn't say no (ok - I wasn't completely unattracted to the person but I can tell you that if I had to do it over again, having the strength then that I do today, I would have said no). The next two times I travelled to meet someone, I paid my way and I clicked with the person. I got to make a guilt free decision.

That said, I have taken LDRs off the table as I find them too emotionally/financially draining.

If someone insisted on paying for my flight, hotel, etc, I would tell them to not expect that we would play even if it clicks. That would take any expectations off the table right away. I'd tell them that if we clicked, we could arrange a second visit to play. Then if they still wanted to pay, they would have a very clear idea of what we were getting in to.

- LA

_____________________________

Une main de fer dans un gant de velours ~ An iron hand in a velvet glove

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Profile   Post #: 42
RE: all expenses paid - 4/30/2005 7:09:59 PM   
LadyAngelika


Posts: 8070
Joined: 7/4/2004
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quote:

ORIGINAL: AAkasha
I don't think "faking" anything in a relationship can lead to a good thing.

[...]

It has absolutely nothing to do with the balance of "give and take" in a relationship. In all other aspects of my relationships I am completely happy to compromise or to do something just because my partner needs it

[...]


However, domination is something I cannot fake. It makes me feel ill, it makes me feel silly and it makes the entire act "sour" to me -- so much so that I lose interest in it for a few days. Because domination is something so passionate and dear to my heart and core to my lust, I don't want to taint it by domming on command.


Sometimes I think we might share a brain ;)

- LA

_____________________________

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Profile   Post #: 43
RE: all expenses paid - 4/30/2005 9:42:15 PM   
SweetDommes


Posts: 3313
Joined: 10/5/2004
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quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyAngelika
If someone insisted on paying for my flight, hotel, etc, I would tell them to not expect that we would play even if it clicks. That would take any expectations off the table right away. I'd tell them that if we clicked, we could arrange a second visit to play. Then if they still wanted to pay, they would have a very clear idea of what we were getting in to.

- LA


For us, no matter who travels, or who pays, our standing rule is no play on the first visit. Now, we have made exceptions to that - but since we made the rule, we can break it, right? Of the boys that we have met with, only two have had that rule broken for them ... one of them still lives with us, and the other is the only other one to be invited to live with us. Otherwise, they have gotten to spend time with us, get to know us, and then sent home after a (relatively) vanilla 'date'.

(in reply to LadyAngelika)
Profile   Post #: 44
RE: all expenses paid - 4/30/2005 11:25:25 PM   
Slaveboiz


Posts: 38
Joined: 4/19/2005
Status: offline 		Ma'am

could be part of his service to you. Many slave types hand over every thing.. but gut feeling with this one is thats not the case.... i think if it were me before i would promise anyone the moon i would want to get to know them first. Sending an email like that seems more out of desperation rather then submission.. what domme would want a desperate sub of any gender ... just my slave prospective...

Respectfully
slave ziggy

(in reply to LadyAngelika)
Profile   Post #: 45
RE: all expenses paid - 5/1/2005 12:10:56 AM   
dragonofjapan


Posts: 91
Joined: 6/30/2004
Status: offline 		OK I did not read the rest of the thread.

First, can he afford you?

I can see a sub coming and being happy with a piece of floor and scraps from the table.

If a sub said come here I would say "send me the deed to MY House, title to my limousine and the bank account with (fill in nummber with adequate zeros here), mine would be minimum of 5, but only if she were a total babe.

All of life is a negotiation.

_____________________________

He who rules truly serves
She who serves truly rules

Life is not measured by the breaths we take,
but by the things which take our breath away

Honor is not making good choices,
it is dealing with the consequences.

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Profile   Post #: 46
RE: all expenses paid - 5/1/2005 12:14:13 AM   
dragonofjapan


Posts: 91
Joined: 6/30/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL:
In the case of a stranger offering to support the Domme,


He might be a stranger, but anyone who reads this Lady's posts cannot help but feel they are her intimate friend.

_____________________________

He who rules truly serves
She who serves truly rules

Life is not measured by the breaths we take,
but by the things which take our breath away

Honor is not making good choices,
it is dealing with the consequences.

(in reply to BeachMystress)
Profile   Post #: 47
RE: all expenses paid - 5/1/2005 12:25:59 AM   
dragonofjapan


Posts: 91
Joined: 6/30/2004
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quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyAngelika

I guess this is what irks me was as well. I have always been so very self-sufficient because I never want to be indepted to anyone.


OH bullshit!

Are you growing your own food, killing your own animals? weaving your cloth? I assume you have no car.

We are all interdependent on each other. This is what both makes us human and allows us to go blindly off and create the cool things we clever monkeys come up with.

Yes I have a clear image of the Lady hunkered down over the vat of silicon just not depending on a soul to make that next computer.

Everyone take a look around you and see exactly how many things you made ENTIRELY on your own.

I mean I would accept 5 zeros only because I have more zeros of my own. The first thought in my head was 6+ zeros.

So really make him jump

let see how high. and can you bring some of your own cake, after all a Lady cannot live by bread alone, one needs a bit of cake.

Zip

_____________________________

He who rules truly serves
She who serves truly rules

Life is not measured by the breaths we take,
but by the things which take our breath away

Honor is not making good choices,
it is dealing with the consequences.

(in reply to LadyAngelika)
Profile   Post #: 48
RE: all expenses paid - 5/1/2005 6:23:34 AM   
LadyAngelika


Posts: 8070
Joined: 7/4/2004
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quote:

ORIGINAL: Slaveboiz
Sending an email like that seems more out of desperation rather then submission.. what domme would want a desperate sub of any gender ...

ziggy,

It could be desperation. There are a lot of desperate people out there. It's perhaps sad, but it's a reality. As I said, my goal was not to judge this person's motives. It was more a springboard for this discussion.

Before I made any major changes in my life or let anyone make any major changes in theirs, yes I would have to get to know them, yes of course.

- LA

_____________________________

Une main de fer dans un gant de velours ~ An iron hand in a velvet glove

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Profile   Post #: 49
RE: all expenses paid - 5/1/2005 6:31:32 AM   
LadyAngelika


Posts: 8070
Joined: 7/4/2004
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quote:

ORIGINAL: dragonofjapan
OK I did not read the rest of the thread.


Maybe you should have ;)

quote:

ORIGINAL: dragonofjapan
First, can he afford you?


No one can afford me. They can however earn the priveldge of being in my company.

quote:

ORIGINAL: dragonofjapan

If a sub said come here I would say "send me the deed to MY House, title to my limousine and the bank account with (fill in nummber with adequate zeros here), mine would be minimum of 5, but only if she were a total babe.


And what if she was a total whiny passive agressive babe? No money in the world could compensate for that! Stop thinking with your dick ;)

quote:

ORIGINAL: dragonofjapan
All of life is a negotiation.


Isn't it?

- LA


_____________________________

Une main de fer dans un gant de velours ~ An iron hand in a velvet glove

(in reply to dragonofjapan)
Profile   Post #: 50
RE: all expenses paid - 5/1/2005 6:34:11 AM   
LadyAngelika


Posts: 8070
Joined: 7/4/2004
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quote:

ORIGINAL: dragonofjapan

quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyAngelika

I guess this is what irks me was as well. I have always been so very self-sufficient because I never want to be indepted to anyone.


OH bullshit!


Oh hush! And watch your potty mouth.

You know very well what I meant. Maybe it's time for you to read the rest of this post, Zip!

- LA


_____________________________

Une main de fer dans un gant de velours ~ An iron hand in a velvet glove

(in reply to dragonofjapan)
Profile   Post #: 51
RE: all expenses paid - 5/2/2005 4:11:25 PM   
LuvSponge


Posts: 109
Joined: 4/11/2004
Status: offline 		Well, I'd just like to say at this juncture...I'm all good with a fine woman who wants to take care of me in the style I've become accustomed to

_____________________________

No matter if you think you can, or you think you can't, you're right.

(Unless of course she tells you otherwise).

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Profile   Post #: 52
RE: all expenses paid - 5/2/2005 4:14:38 PM   
LadyAngelika


Posts: 8070
Joined: 7/4/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: LuvSponge

Well, I'd just like to say at this juncture...I'm all good with a fine woman who wants to take care of me in the style I've become accustomed to


Even if she isn't "Wunnahful"? ;)

Btw, your profile cracks me up! Way to keep that bar high :)

- LA

_____________________________

Une main de fer dans un gant de velours ~ An iron hand in a velvet glove

(in reply to LuvSponge)
Profile   Post #: 53
RE: all expenses paid - 5/2/2005 11:15:34 PM   
BlkTallFullfig


Posts: 5585
Joined: 6/25/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: LuvSponge
Well, I'd just like to say at this juncture...I'm all good with a fine woman who wants to take care of me in the style I've become accustomed to

Hey LuvSponge, I think you missed the part where I said I'm okay with dominating him and his money.
How's the search for the Wundehful Replica comming along?; can't blame you though, it would be like quitting 4-5star hotels in favor of Motel 6.. M

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a.k.a. SexyBossyBBW
""Touching was, and still is, and will always be, the true revolution" Nikki Giovanni

(in reply to LuvSponge)
Profile   Post #: 54
RE: all expenses paid - 5/3/2005 7:52:57 PM   
BlkTallFullfig


Posts: 5585
Joined: 6/25/2004
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quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyAngelika
To give you an example, I am acquainted with this man who is quite a wealthy and intelligent man who is curious about wiitwd and offered me a thousand dollar tribute for one hour of my time for domination, no sex required. He did however mention the kind of things he would like me to do (flogging, humiliation, etc). He just wants a one shot deal to see what it is about and would like to compensate me, like one would pay a tourguide he said. On the one hand, I figured that's a whole lot of money for one hour of work.
- LA

I wanted to comment on this the first time I saw it but got sidetracked.
My position with this gentleman would be: if I find I am attracted to him, and he is willing to be on call for when the mood strikes me, than I would fullfill his fantasies (provided they are things I enjoy doing anyway) at that time. If however he were unwilling to be available at my convenience, I'd bid him adieu and wish him luck. M

_____________________________

a.k.a. SexyBossyBBW
""Touching was, and still is, and will always be, the true revolution" Nikki Giovanni

(in reply to LadyAngelika)
Profile   Post #: 55
RE: all expenses paid - 5/4/2005 12:12:20 AM   
GentleLady


Posts: 356
Joined: 2/1/2005
Status: offline
quote:

I think LadyAngelika hit it on the head. I don't want to feel obligated -- I don't want to feel I owe a man dominance because he works to pay the bills and I luxuriate all day long.

But the point of this is simple -- the sense of "obligation" is obviously *my* issue, not his. This has to do with the way I am wired, not him. No matter how much a man said to me, "You don't have to feel obligated," - I still would. And if he acted in some way like I owed him something, I'd read too much into it.

A question for the femdoms here. Say you met a guy online/phone and exchanged photos and the chemistry really felt good. You arranged for a meeting, and he insisted on flying you to see him. He paid for your flight, paid for a hotel for you (even though he insisted you could stay safely with him, no strings attached), and then when you got there took you to a fabulous dinner and to the theater. You had a nice time with him -- you genuinely thought he was sweet. But, the connection just was NOT there. All the things you talked about doing online, now you just can't think about it -- you are not attracted to him in that way. When he starts lightly dropping hints about playtime and if it's gonna happen -- do you in any way feel bad for saying, "You know what...I just don't think this would work for me. I just want to be friends."

How would you feel? Uncomfortable at all? Obligated? Even if he said "oh, ok. Don't worry about it.." but you could tell he was very saddened.

Now what if the same thing happened, but you paid your own way (and it was not a financial burden; either you had the money fine, or you had another trip for business or what not -- it did not strain you), and hotel. Would you feel any different?

Akasha

I know that I would feel obligated in some way if the male paid for the trip and would feel very guilty about saying no. I also know that that is Me and My problem. I have felt this way since I first started dating and have made a point of never getting into that kind of position. If I cannot feel 100% able to say no then I would not go.

That being said, I am currently living under the same kind of set-up that has been discussed. I have always supported Myself before including while I was married just so I could have the freedom to stay or go if I needed to. Right now I am being financially supported and I was worried that it would ruin everything for Me. Mine works 10+ hours per day, Saturdays are full with some work hours and basic house errands, and most of Sunday is spent with him trying to catch up on his sleep. There is almost no time for play activity and I will not force him to play when he is so tired. Our compromise so far has been that we play if I am in the right head space at the same time he is rested enough. I also have the option of seeing other submissives to make sure that My needs are being met. My submissive's physical needs are met as much as possible (which is not often) and his need to serve is met by him having a couple of regular chores that are not time consuming but are significant. It is hard to balance life needs and D/s needs with so little time available but we are working on various ways to find ones that are best for us.

He takes a great deal of pride in being able to support us and make life comfortable for Me. I control how the money is spent (his request) and so far I have not felt obligated to Dominate him at any time because he brings home the paycheck. That, however, might be because of the lack of time available for play or could be because I do have money of My own and can leave if I chose to.

One of the dynamics of the situation is that, like many others who have posted, I will only play when I am in the mood....and that varies. That is also one of the reasons I am not currently working. I need to recoup My health again before returning to work. If I was working now I would not be in the mood for anything dealing with play because I would be too exhausted and drained. Mine knows this and does everything he can to make sure I can relax all day so that I will be in the mood to at least tease him that evening. As time goes by My energy level...and thus My interest in playing....will re-surface. We are aiming at keeping 3 Sundays a month free for play sessions so that we have some time available. We both know that some of those will not be used because one or the other of us will not be in the right head space.

Like Akasha said
quote:

However, domination is something I cannot fake. It makes me feel ill, it makes me feel silly and it makes the entire act "sour" to me -- so much so that I lose interest in it for a few days. Because domination is something so passionate and dear to my heart and core to my lust, I don't want to taint it by domming on command.

Most of my partners have been fine with this -- because in their experiences they've realized that a woman "faking" it is less fulfilling than having to be patient and wait for the time when it's 100% real and motivated by lust.


Mine knows the difference and has chosen to wait for the times I am in the mood and feeling good even if he waits weeks between being touched. I was concerned about how he felt about nothing happening and we have had a few discussions around this point so I know I saying what he feels.

Okay....I have rambled more then enough now and it is either delete this or post it...*flips a coin*

Gentle Lady



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Profile   Post #: 56
RE: all expenses paid - 5/4/2005 9:19:41 AM   
SweetDommes


Posts: 3313
Joined: 10/5/2004
Status: offline 		GL - the fact that you are in control of the money makes your situation a world appart from what we have been "offered" in the past ... but obviously that is a good thing. It's great that you have him, even if you don't get to see him often (our boy is on the road all the time ... we get to see him for maybe one or two days a week :( ). We have a lot of the same issues with playtime - one or more of us not feeling up to it when he's actually home. Especially with me working evenings while Holly works days and the boy is very much a day person. Hopefully you will be feeling better soon so that you and your boy can have more fun together (and that is meant in general, not in a sexual/playtime way).

(in reply to GentleLady)
Profile   Post #: 57
RE: all expenses paid - 5/4/2005 11:51:04 AM   
goddess97440


Posts: 33
Joined: 6/30/2004
Status: offline 		It is interesting how heated some people are about this. As a slave owner, I make the best possible use of my slaves. I've had houseslaves who contribute nothing in the way of finances. This makes them solely dependant on me for all their needs. They can't have a cigarette or a candy bar without asking. I order for them in restaurants.

However, the slaves I have who work are in *exactly* the same situation. While the money stays in his/her name (in most cases I don't bother adding my name to the account or having any formal legal arrangement)... I keep physical custody of the check book and credit cards and require them to report all income, open their financial records to me and ask for permission to buy anything (including coffee or cigarettes, etc).

I make all decisions utilizing all of everyone in my control's resources. Particularly when we all live in one place. For long distance lovers/submissives, I would neither want or expect that kind of control or disclosure.

All expenses paid? Damn skippy. Concerned that you'll become dependant because s/he is the source of the money? Set up a savings account. Budget for your future concerns as one of those paid expenses. (I wish that I could do that for my slaves so that if the relationship ended they could take a little nest egg to start over with but its not financially viable.) And finally, whether you continue to work for a paycheck is your decision not your slave's.

Goddess

(in reply to SweetDommes)
Profile   Post #: 58
RE: all expenses paid - 5/4/2005 12:10:43 PM   
AAkasha


Posts: 4429
Joined: 11/27/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: SweetDommes

GL - the fact that you are in control of the money makes your situation a world appart from what we have been "offered" in the past ... but obviously that is a good thing. It's great that you have him, even if you don't get to see him often (our boy is on the road all the time ... we get to see him for maybe one or two days a week :( ). We have a lot of the same issues with playtime - one or more of us not feeling up to it when he's actually home. Especially with me working evenings while Holly works days and the boy is very much a day person. Hopefully you will be feeling better soon so that you and your boy can have more fun together (and that is meant in general, not in a sexual/playtime way).


As others who have the position that I do have stated, it's not about the money so much as it is about the sense of obligation. First and foremoest, I don't think I would ever be in a permanent relationship with someone that I did not love and trust with my wellbeing anyway-- but if I were to get into a longterm situation with a submissive who was the only breadwinner, that wouldn't be acceptable to me.

And regardless of setting money aside, having savings accounts, having "control" of the finances -- face it, in the real world if there was a separation and issue with money and lawyers involved, that would all muddy very quickly.

But, more importantly, if I halted my career and spent 10 years not doing anything, I wouldn't be happy with the employment options I was left with when I went back to working-- which would be dismal compared to when I stopped working.

Another thing to clarify is that I love my career. I guess it would be different if a woman hated her job, hated working, and actually romanticized the idea of having nothing to do all day. I like being challenged, I like learning and I like acheiving financial goals and making good money.

Akasha

_____________________________

Akasha's Web - All original Femdom content since 1995
Don't email me here, email me at [email protected]

(in reply to SweetDommes)
Profile   Post #: 59
RE: all expenses paid - 5/4/2005 3:25:05 PM   
darkinshadows


Posts: 4145
Joined: 6/2/2004
From: UK
Status: offline
M'Lady A

From my personal point of view( and baring in mind, I am not a Dominant!) I would say that ,( ignoring the fact that this was an immediate offer without you knowing the sub male), would a Dominant be the Dominant if financially dependant on the submissive/slave? My answer would be yes.

To myself, if I was the soul bread winner, then it is part of my service. It isn't a power thing, it isn't a control thing, it is simply something I would be required to do, therefore part of my submission.

If a Dominant is concerned about 'being indebt' to a person, then I would adivse against doing it. But if a Dominant can see it as part of the service they desire, then I would say, it is just as empowering as the Dominant owning their own income.

Trust would mean that the Domiannt would know that the sub/slave would not take advantage of the situation.
Respect in their and for their submission would mean that sub/slave would not take advantage of the Dominant in that way.

It may be a desire that the sub/slave earn, but the Dominant controls the income completely. But again, thats the dominants individual decision.

Just my humble view, M'Lady.

Peace, Love and Light.

_____________________________
.dark.



...i surrender to gravity and the unknown...

(in reply to LadyAngelika)
Profile   Post #: 60
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