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Do questions make you feel you are being topped from th... - 4/20/2007 5:34:48 AM   
SubtleDifference


Posts: 64
Joined: 3/6/2007
From: NJ
Status: offline 		In my time on collarme (profile and lurking on the message boards) it seems that for every ten people, there are ten different views, philosophies and approaches to a D/s dynamic.

When approached by a gentleman via email, I read their profile to see if we are somewhat on the same page. I always ask questions about their philosphy to better determine our compatibility. My thinking is just because we are all here looking for food doesn't mean we all enjoy the same cusine.

Sometimes my questions tend to be a bit pointed because as a married woman in an open relationship, I tend to attract many married men. It's not my place to sit in judgement of their situation, but it is my place to decide if I wish to partake in their world.

Regardless of the situation you are in, do you feel that in the beginning of correspondence with a submissive would too many questions make you feel you were being "topped from the bottom"?

Thank you in advance for any replies.
Profile   Post #: 1
RE: Do questions make you feel you are being topped fro... - 4/20/2007 5:46:19 AM   
SirMIkeSD


Posts: 613
Joined: 3/16/2007
From: San Diego, Ca
Status: offline 		No, in fact I enjoy the questions the wording can give me insight into the person I am "emailing, chatting or talking" with.  Also a question may give me a idea for a question that I had not throught  to ask.  The otherway I look at it is, that since you are not mind we are just having a conversation to get to know each other and it should be an open and honest one with and open to all questions eaither of us have.

Mike

(in reply to SubtleDifference)
Profile   Post #: 2
RE: Do questions make you feel you are being topped fro... - 4/20/2007 5:47:01 AM   
tempest1961


Posts: 42
Joined: 3/11/2007
Status: offline
quote:

, do you feel that in the beginning of correspondence with a submissive would too many questions make you feel you were being "topped from the bottom"?


Um, NO!!!! It show's she's not some psycho abuse me bitch/sub/slave. It show's she is concerned about herself, and that shows me that she would be concerned about me. It shows how intelligent she is, and would not blindly follow. OTOH: I run with a slightly different dynamic, so I MUST have somebody who is smart, concerned, and tough. Other Tops may vary, Please consult a doctor, all assumptions are on you, past performance is not indicative of future returns.

ARF ARF ARF

_____________________________

Top Dogs ROCK! (Until the she-Wolf comes a-calling)

(in reply to SubtleDifference)
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RE: Do questions make you feel you are being topped fro... - 4/20/2007 5:55:53 AM   
SubtleDifference


Posts: 64
Joined: 3/6/2007
From: NJ
Status: offline 		Thanks for your feedback, Mike.

I feel the same as you. When reading questions it tends to formulate an idea of the type of person they are and what is important to them.

Some have taken this approach as trying to dominant the exchange, which I am still baffled why they would feel that. I figured this would be a good place to ask!

Elena


(in reply to SirMIkeSD)
Profile   Post #: 4
RE: Do questions make you feel you are being topped fro... - 4/20/2007 6:02:42 AM   
SubtleDifference


Posts: 64
Joined: 3/6/2007
From: NJ
Status: offline 		Thanks, tempest.

Questions show concern....yes, I  would agree with you. I would think that questions would be welcome so there would be no assumptions nor misunderstandings.

So many different dynamics kind of leaves someone wandering around aimlessly trying to find a fit.

A pleasant and warm ARF back to you.

Elena

(in reply to tempest1961)
Profile   Post #: 5
RE: Do questions make you feel you are being topped fro... - 4/20/2007 6:52:51 AM   
TigerNINTails


Posts: 178
Joined: 5/16/2005
Status: offline 		Questions and answers are the lifeblood of communication, to me. So if a slave or submissive has questions, I'm going to do my best to answer them. In my viewpoint there are no such things as stupid questions, save two types.

Those not asked,

And those which are asked, when the answer is already possessed. Especially when it's been covered well enough already.

So that said, if someone thinks you're "Topping from the bottom" when you ask direct and pointed questions, regarding your interests, their interests, what they tolerate, don't tolerate, what they want in a slave, what they don't want, what they think a submissive is, what are their limits, sharing your limits, etc. etc. add infinitum across 10,000 niche subjects within the subject, then it's my opinion, they aren't Tops/Dom/me's/Masters at all, but rather just players that "think" they are in the "know" when they are "still typing".

They need to get out, converse, grow, accumulate some experience and some knowledge, and then listen some more and grow some more and accumulate more knowledge, until such time as they've successfully extricated their head out of their ass.

Then and only then, should they be actually seeking an active full time relationship with a submissive.

Inquisitiveness in a submissive indicates intelligence. Intelligence that I fully enjoy toying with, molding, growing and developing...

Questions indicate to me a desire to learn, to be guided and to expand beyond the current norm for that person... So... yes, questions are good.

No, they are not topping from the bottom. Arguing about a decision is attempting to top from the bottom, in some cases, but simply questioning something, due to confusion, or a need for more info is not.

Peace girl.

Tora


_____________________________

Consistent Discipline Renders Punishment Unnecessary

(in reply to SubtleDifference)
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RE: Do questions make you feel you are being topped fro... - 4/20/2007 7:28:24 AM   
mp072004


Posts: 381
Joined: 12/22/2005
Status: offline 		Short answer: What a peculiar thought. Asking questions is certainly an active and aggressive thing to do, but passivity is not synonymous with submission--and, indeed, if you have just made someone's acquaintance, you certainly haven't agreed to submit to her or him. How could you evaluate your new acquaintance without asking questions about him or her? Granted, evaluation can make people feel uncomfortable, but discomfort does not signal wrongness. Evaluation and attendant discomfort are part of meeting new people, and it's entirely appropriate to collect and analyze information about your new acquaintance to determine whether you want to get to know him or her better.

Now, if you're asking inappropriate questions, I'll feel like you're asking inappropriate questions. I don't mean questions that are bad for a *submissive* to ask--I mean questions that are bad for a *new acquaintance* to ask, like, say, asking after my personal grooming practices, or my bra size. I also don't like badly-phrased or vague leading--if there is some answer you're looking for, narrow the question. "I have an open marriage. Are you okay with people in ethically non-monogamous relationships?" is better than "What do you think 'fidelity' consists in?"

Monica

(in reply to SubtleDifference)
Profile   Post #: 7
RE: Do questions make you feel you are being topped fro... - 4/20/2007 7:29:20 AM   
xBullx


Posts: 4206
Joined: 10/8/2005
Status: offline 		Hello deep cleavege,

It depends on the girl, the questions, the situation and her intent. It is human nature to be curious and that is how we learn by asking questions, so good questions, are ok...It is also female nature to test her Upper end, she may even unwittingly or wittingly be attempting shape an outcome, a thought process or a desired effect. We all know what that is and most generally after she has learned whether she can or can't get away with it (it being manipulation), her role as yours is set. So questions, aren't bad in themselves, it's the person directing them and their objectives.

Bull

< Message edited by xBullx -- 4/20/2007 8:29:54 AM >

_____________________________

Live well,

Bull



I'm not an asshole; I'm simply resolute...

"A Republic, If You Can Keep It."

Caution: My humor is a bit skewed.

(in reply to SubtleDifference)
Profile   Post #: 8
RE: Do questions make you feel you are being topped fro... - 4/20/2007 7:32:04 AM   
hisannabelle


Posts: 1992
Joined: 12/3/2006
From: Tallahassee, FL, USA
Status: offline 		greetings subtledifference,

i am guessing that you would be asking these questions before you got into a relationship or started playing with someone...in which case my question would be, is topping from the bottom even possible at that point?

either way, i have always seen questions as a good thing - i prefer to enter into things knowing as much as i can. i know that He sees it similarly...as long as you are not attempting to manipulate someone with your questions, i couldn't see it as topping from the bottom.

respectfully,
annabelle.


_____________________________

a'ishah (the artist formerly known as annabelle)
i have the kind of beauty that moves...

(in reply to xBullx)
Profile   Post #: 9
RE: Do questions make you feel you are being topped fro... - 4/20/2007 7:36:12 AM   
LuckyAlbatross


Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline 		Too many questions, or questions of a certain sort would annoy me- if they are asking too much too soon, or asking for intimate details or asking manipulative questions.

Remember- doms out there will throw out anything to shame you into shutting up and just accepting them, this includes saying you aren't a sub or are trying to top from the bottom. 

You have to decide which is which.

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to hisannabelle)
Profile   Post #: 10
RE: Do questions make you feel you are being topped fro... - 4/20/2007 7:58:05 AM   
MasterFireMaam


Posts: 5587
Joined: 3/1/2006
From: Charleston, WV
Status: offline 		The number of questions doesn't bother me. The tone of the question is what is or is not likely to bother me.

Master Fire


_____________________________

The power of who we are can be intoxicating. The power of who we could be is humbling.
-----
Ms Relationship Books
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BDSM How-To Books

(in reply to SubtleDifference)
Profile   Post #: 11
RE: Do questions make you feel you are being topped fro... - 4/20/2007 8:17:27 AM   
Lashra


Posts: 4900
Joined: 2/9/2006
Status: offline 		I welcome any and all questions as it shows me that they are intelligent and curious. I would be very uncomfortable with a person who didn't ask questions as I like to keep the communication flow going.

Anyone who feels that asking questions is Topping from the bottom is perhaps insecure about how they are going to answer those questions. Something to be leery of.

~Lashra


_____________________________

“We can never judge the lives of others, because each person knows only their own pain and renunciation. It's one thing to feel that you are on the right path, but it's another to think that yours is the only path.”






(in reply to SubtleDifference)
Profile   Post #: 12
RE: Do questions make you feel you are being topped fro... - 4/20/2007 8:44:48 AM   
SubtleDifference


Posts: 64
Joined: 3/6/2007
From: NJ
Status: offline 		Tora,

Communication is indeed such an important aspect in any type of relationship. When I hear that expression, 'topping from the bottom' it lends itself to all different types of interpretation, just as in the different types of philosphy within D/s. Your explanation made perfect sense. Thank you for sharing.

Elena

(in reply to TigerNINTails)
Profile   Post #: 13
RE: Do questions make you feel you are being topped fro... - 4/20/2007 8:51:40 AM   
SubtleDifference


Posts: 64
Joined: 3/6/2007
From: NJ
Status: offline 		Monica -

You summed it up much better than I ever could. The type of questions and the manner in which you ask I believe are also an indication of who we are writing. I always try to be respectful and forthcoming with the questions I ask, without appearing as the inquisition. Manipulative questions can only lead to a defensive exchange, certainly not something I would want to experience nor subject anyone else to experience. Thank you for sharing your points with me. They resonated...

Elena

(in reply to mp072004)
Profile   Post #: 14
RE: Do questions make you feel you are being topped fro... - 4/20/2007 8:58:51 AM   
SubtleDifference


Posts: 64
Joined: 3/6/2007
From: NJ
Status: offline 		Hello Bull,

I do agree with much of what you wrote, as it is human nature. In the progression of a relationship I can see how unwittingly (or perhaps even wittingly) questions come out that might instigate a desired outcome. But my concern was more about the beginnings of the exchanges, where two people begin to establish commonality.

I wondered how someone might think it was topping from the bottom when being the bottom has not been established. Being submissive, to me, does not mean being submissive to every dominant male that presents himself. As respectful as one can be, shouldn't there be an even field so the discovery can be allowed on both parts?

Thank you for your thoughts, strong arms. ~smiles~

Elena

(in reply to xBullx)
Profile   Post #: 15
RE: Do questions make you feel you are being topped fro... - 4/20/2007 9:04:28 AM   
SubtleDifference


Posts: 64
Joined: 3/6/2007
From: NJ
Status: offline 		Hello Annabelle,

You touched my question perfectly. These questions were presented within the beginnings of only email exchanges. Since it happened to me a few times, I had to step back and figure out if perhaps it was me who was projecting something I wasn't aware.

Thank you for sharing your thoughts.

Elena

(in reply to hisannabelle)
Profile   Post #: 16
RE: Do questions make you feel you are being topped fro... - 4/20/2007 9:06:03 AM   
OedipusRexIt


Posts: 634
Joined: 11/15/2005
Status: offline 		To the OP's question:

Nope, not threatened by questions. They're helpful.

_____________________________

"My name is Inigo Montoya, you killed my father, prepare to die..."

(in reply to SubtleDifference)
Profile   Post #: 17
RE: Do questions make you feel you are being topped fro... - 4/20/2007 9:07:00 AM   
xBullx


Posts: 4206
Joined: 10/8/2005
Status: offline 		Hello elena,

I wasn't sure where hypathetical relationship than you were referring, in the beginning simple questions of "discovery" would be expected and encouraged on my part. I want to be sure we are suitable for one another as much I would expect a girl would be. I think I stated it though in fact it would depend on the circumstance of the questions. So yes, I think good sound questions to discover compatibility are fine. Just be good while doing so. Unless one of your questions would need the practical demostration of the use of the whip.

Serve well,

Bull

_____________________________

Live well,

Bull



I'm not an asshole; I'm simply resolute...

"A Republic, If You Can Keep It."

Caution: My humor is a bit skewed.

(in reply to SubtleDifference)
Profile   Post #: 18
RE: Do questions make you feel you are being topped fro... - 4/20/2007 9:10:15 AM   
SubtleDifference


Posts: 64
Joined: 3/6/2007
From: NJ
Status: offline 		Hi LuckyAlbatross,

I can see how certain questions...manipulative, invasive, etc....would annoy someone. I think the questions I had been asking were basic...."Are you also in an open relations?"; "Can you tell me a bit about the type of relationship you are seeking?". etc. They were very general questions, at least in my opinion.

But when it happened a few times, I thought it was best to figure out if maybe it was considered topping from the bottom.

Thanks for your insight.

Elena

(in reply to LuckyAlbatross)
Profile   Post #: 19
RE: Do questions make you feel you are being topped fro... - 4/20/2007 9:13:10 AM   
SubtleDifference


Posts: 64
Joined: 3/6/2007
From: NJ
Status: offline 		Hi MasterFire,

The tone of the questions....that gives me much to think about. Maybe I received that feedback because my tone came across as a bit too assertive.

Thank you for sharing your thoughts.

Elena

(in reply to MasterFireMaam)
Profile   Post #: 20
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