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RE: what is wrong with folks who just use the lifestyle... - 4/21/2007 7:59:26 AM   
Elorin


Posts: 970
Joined: 8/22/2004
From: San Antonio, TX
Status: offline 		I have no problem with people who are looking for kinky sex, without any power exchange or D/s dynamic outside of their jerkoff.

I expect them to be honest about it. I also expect that when I am clear that I am looking for power exchange, they realize that, respect that, recognize that we aren't compatible, and not contact me. I'm all for kinky sex. I like it, I have a lot of it. However sex is not what motivates me to seek out the BDSM community. A desire to hurt others consensually, and a desire for power exchange is what motivates me.

I also, however, DESPISE the kinky sex searcher who posts on message boards, participates in conversations, and basically says "because I am here for sex ALL OF YOU are also here for sex, and any thing else you say is just a lie to cover up why you are here." That is untrue.

I say: YAY kinky sex. YAY being upfront about what you want. and YAY for accepting others might have different motivations.

(in reply to crouchingtigress)
Profile   Post #: 41
RE: what is wrong with folks who just use the lifestyle... - 4/21/2007 8:29:24 AM   
Phoenix2raven


Posts: 347
Joined: 10/14/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: crouchingtigress

i hear that a lot..."person x just uses the lifestyle to get laid".

first off, i dont think its accurate, because you must have some kink in you to go to all the trouble of learning enough to meet a real person in the LS to actually get laid, but beyond that i dont see whats wrong with that.

assuming the person has not lied, why is it a bad thing?




  It damages the submissives feelings and it potentialy could scare a begginner away from the lifestyle. 

(in reply to crouchingtigress)
Profile   Post #: 42
RE: what is wrong with folks who just use the lifestyle... - 4/21/2007 11:25:01 AM   
MadRabbit


Posts: 3460
Joined: 8/9/2006
Status: offline 		I talk to some of the dinosaurs about leather clubs and SM groups BEFORE anyone knew anything about AIDs, condoms, or STDS and they portrayed a different picture for me of how things were regarding sex and the "lifestyle".

I think largly AIDS and STDs and body fluid transfer paranoia has to do with it, but at the same time, I agree with LA. Its another "holier than thou" hat hanger.

Kind of like the whole "lifestyle" thing to begin with. What is "the lifestyle"? What exactly makes up this "lifestyle"? I have yet to find out the details. The best I can figure out what the "lifestyle" is, is simply another idenitifier that allows to be part of the same herd.

The word "lifestyle" is like the word "cool". He's "cool", she's "cool", that's "cool". Cool means "socially accepted by the people using the word cool". He's part of the "lifestyle", she's part of the "lifestyle", that's what we "lifestylers" do... Oh, he's defiently not a "lifestyler", just a weekend BDSM or some guy who wants to get layed...pfft. If your part of the "lifestyle", then your "in" and "cool".

I am now self proclaiming myself as one of those guys who is using this "lifestyle" to get laid! In the same way, I am getting someone to do chores for me. I am using the lifestyle to find a submissive who will take care of my wants and needs. And, boy, I can guarentee sex is a need! (A 23 year old who wants to have sex...have I blown your mind yet?)

I also think its a "politicially correct" thing. We want to stamp out the "macho guy objectificties and using women, then dumping then on the street." We want to think all guys are like that...because hey, we're guys and we think with our dicks right?

I think with my dick a lot. I've had sex with women on first dates on more than one occasion (WAY MORE THAN ONE OCCASION) based on chemistry, comfort levels, and sexual friction between. But yet...amazingly...a lot of these women are still friends! (OMG....I have sex with people on the first date and still actually care about them after that? Mind blow!)

Whats even more amazing is how guilty I still feal after I do it, something I hate and am trying to work past. All this politcally correct mumbo jumbo that is neuturing men. I go to the movies on a first date...no guilt. I have sex...lots of guilt. We make a big deal out of it and cant look at is just a leisure activity. Sorry, I dont beleive sex and love are connected. Sex helps strength and builds the connection, but it doesnt cause a connection to form. I've had a few partners who I was sexually active with for months and finally we looked at each other and said "Hmmm...there's nothing there is there?"

We're constantly socially programming men to think that just because they want sex, they are bad.

I also dont think there is as many men out there as people make it out to be as much as there is slander and misunderstanding on the part of disgruntled ex's. In fact, its why I try to refrain FROM having sex on the first few dates! So if I have to say "Look...we're just not a good match.", I dont have to worry about getting flamed in a community or on a message board with the "He just wanted sex from me!" stamp.

I'm waiting for someone to say "He just wanted to see the movie with somebody and didnt care about me!"

I'm sure women get the rap as well, but I can safely say that most of the time the X in "X just uises the lifestyle to get laid" is a male name.






< Message edited by MadRabbit -- 4/21/2007 11:28:15 AM >

_____________________________

Advice for New Dominants
The Unpolitically Correct Lifestyle Definitions

Obama is NOT the Messiah! He's just a VERY NAUGHTY BOY

(in reply to crouchingtigress)
Profile   Post #: 43
RE: what is wrong with folks who just use the lifestyle... - 4/21/2007 11:51:27 AM   
TexasMaam


Posts: 1467
Joined: 6/22/2005
Status: offline 		I think it CAN be a bad thing, when a sub is searching for a sincere, long term relatioship and ends up getting screwed on a one night stand by a PMDD (Pig Male Disguised as a Dominant), instead.  That makes the PMDD nothing more than a sexual predator, NOT a Dom.

Then, there are the SFDD's, (Slutty Females Disguised as Dominas) who get their kicks posing as a Domme to access the world of needy subs so they can get laid.

The reverse is also true: There are plenty of Doms and Dommes who can relate to the 'do me' sub, the man or woman who professes to be sincerely interested in finding a long term situation but really only submits to get their kinky screw. 

That individual is not always aware that they're lying, or, they may be sincere in wanting to find a relationship that lasts, they just seem to be incapable of sustaining any long term relationship that actually presents itself.

Let's face it: how much sincere attention would an idividual really receive if, in an experienced and fairly well acquainted BDSM community, they just stood up and professed: 'hey, I'm really, really horny, somebody screw me, please!'?  They're not going to cut their own chances of getting laid by being 'up front' about it, are they?  Kind of a shame, because if they were more honest, they'd attract more of the people unto themselves who are only looking to screw with no strings attached.

Either way, if BOTH participants are honest about their sexual motives, interests, partners, numbers of partners, STD status, etc, then whatever the Dom/Domme and sub/slave decide to do together is their own business and it's a good thing for both participants. 

It's when the motivation behind the BDSM interest gets skewed with passive/aggressive/, abusive, sexual personality disorders and/or compulsive liars that innocent, well meaning subs, and Dom/mes, get burned.  I think the incidence of that increases whenever an individual has the reputation of 'using BDSM as an excuse to get laid'.

TexasMaam

< Message edited by TexasMaam -- 4/21/2007 12:00:24 PM >

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(in reply to crouchingtigress)
Profile   Post #: 44
RE: what is wrong with folks who just use the lifestyle... - 4/21/2007 11:52:34 AM   
juliaoceania


Posts: 21383
Joined: 4/19/2006
From: Somewhere Over the Rainbow
Status: offline 		I made a post on another thread that really is illustrative of how I feel about this topic too

quote:

I think that many people are narrow minded and small. It gives them pleasure to find superiority in stupid things.... It is a rather shallow thing to judge others based upon the tip of the iceberg so-to-speak. If it makes them feel good to do so, I just smile and nod. All that is important to me is that our dynamic suits our needs, and we are happy, other opinions about that do not matter to him... why should they matter to me?



_____________________________

Once you label me, you negate me ~ Soren Kierkegaard

Reality has a well known Liberal Bias ~ Stephen Colbert

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(in reply to crouchingtigress)
Profile   Post #: 45
RE: what is wrong with folks who just use the lifestyle... - 4/21/2007 11:55:18 AM   
Aslanemperor


Posts: 108
Joined: 4/17/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: crouchingtigress

i hear that a lot..."person x just uses the lifestyle to get laid".

first off, i dont think its accurate, because you must have some kink in you to go to all the trouble of learning enough to meet a real person in the LS to actually get laid, but beyond that i dont see whats wrong with that.

assuming the person has not lied, why is it a bad thing?





I'm assuming that usually the ones they are mad at are the ones who just want a one time thing, or isn't truly interested in the lifestyle, which is much more then just sex.  People like this have a bad habit of getting a person's hopes up when all they really are are womanizers acting like BDSMers. 

(in reply to crouchingtigress)
Profile   Post #: 46
RE: what is wrong with folks who just use the lifestyle... - 4/21/2007 11:55:24 AM   
MadRabbit


Posts: 3460
Joined: 8/9/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Phoenix2raven
It damages the submissives feelings and it potentialy could scare a begginner away from the lifestyle. 


Because...as we all know...submissives are stupid, dumb, weak virgins and not mature, consenting adults.

Someone who was scared away from a "lifestyle" that is in a huge part erotic because...OMG...someone wanted to have sex in an erotic lifestyle...seriously makes me wonder about that person in general.



_____________________________

Advice for New Dominants
The Unpolitically Correct Lifestyle Definitions

Obama is NOT the Messiah! He's just a VERY NAUGHTY BOY

(in reply to Phoenix2raven)
Profile   Post #: 47
RE: what is wrong with folks who just use the lifestyle... - 4/21/2007 11:58:01 AM   
imthatacheyouhav


Posts: 1259
Joined: 4/16/2007
Status: offline 		i enjoy all aspects of my life the Discipline and the sex. It would be difficult for me to chose one over the other, they are both very stimulating in their own right. and kinky sex is just....well, its just damn good fun....so enjoy....

(in reply to juliaoceania)
Profile   Post #: 48
RE: what is wrong with folks who just use the lifestyle... - 4/21/2007 12:02:46 PM   
CreativeDominant


Posts: 11032
Joined: 3/11/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: crouchingtigress

i hear that a lot..."person x just uses the lifestyle to get laid".

first off, i dont think its accurate, because you must have some kink in you to go to all the trouble of learning enough to meet a real person in the LS to actually get laid, but beyond that i dont see whats wrong with that.

assuming the person has not lied, why is it a bad thing?


It's not.  If BDSM and D/s are just a means to an end...getting laid...how is that any more wrong than the courtship rituals involved to get to the vanilla "1st base...2nd base...3rd base...home" end? 

I doubt that it is all that accurate either, despite the implications seen in another thread about finding a master who doesn't want sex that those male dominants that do want sex either only dominate to get sex or who dominate only with their penis.

You know...dropping the D/s aspects for a second...you can make BDSM play whatever you want it to be.  We've had endless discussions about that on here.  It is not all about the sexual arousal for me.  I like the part of the connection that is made during BDSM play that has little to do with the sexuality involved and more to do with the act of infliction/giving and receiving and what that does on a mental and emotional level.  However, I am one of those who also operates at the base level...for me...that sadism and masochism have sexual arousal as a key component.  I seek out partners who understand that about me and who feel the same way.  That does not make me solely in it to get laid anymore than it makes my partners solely in it to capture a future long-term partner/husband.

(in reply to crouchingtigress)
Profile   Post #: 49
RE: what is wrong with folks who just use the lifestyle... - 4/21/2007 12:10:25 PM   
junecleaver


Posts: 1145
Joined: 4/6/2005
Status: offline 		I think people have allowed bad experiences to leave a bitter taste in their mouth.  Sometimes it's not even a matter of, 'I'm going to use this to feel superior.'  It's a matter of, 'I have been so hurt in the past that I need to express that somehow.'  They misplace those hostile feelings and degrade others who are being honest in their sexual pursuits.

So many times, men have told me that they want to own me when in reality they just wanted someone who would fuck them how and when they wanted---no strings, no commitments, no real 'exchange.'  Considering I am fairly young without a lot of experience, I can only imagine how dealing with years and years of people giving empty promises in exchange for kinky sex would get to a person.  Then instead of taking personal responsibility of the type of partners chosen, people yet again fall back on blaming the guy who 'just wanted sex.'

I guess what I'm trying to say is that I think people look at it negatively because of association.  For every person who has honestly told me all they were looking for was kinky sex I have met at least five who were manipulating others via kink to get laid.

While I am all for stopping those guilt trips in regards to healthy sexual behavior, I think that people who are dishonest should be ashamed of using anything including kink to manipulate others.


_____________________________


"No one will ever win the battle of the sexes; there's too much fraternizing with the enemy. "
--Henry A. Kissinger

(in reply to MadRabbit)
Profile   Post #: 50
RE: what is wrong with folks who just use the lifestyle... - 4/21/2007 2:31:47 PM   
MadRabbit


Posts: 3460
Joined: 8/9/2006
Status: offline 		I agree with you. There can be a whole magnitude of reasons why people take this judgement of other people.

The majority of us in the thread can at least agree it seems that its not the sex that is the issue but the dishonesty.

Just like I can have a casual sex life without it being unhealthy or a bad thing, because I care about the people past the sex.

Its the men who view women purely as notches on belts with little regard for them past a sex toy that create the bad press of "men who want sex are bad".



_____________________________

Advice for New Dominants
The Unpolitically Correct Lifestyle Definitions

Obama is NOT the Messiah! He's just a VERY NAUGHTY BOY

(in reply to junecleaver)
Profile   Post #: 51
RE: what is wrong with folks who just use the lifestyle... - 4/21/2007 3:09:59 PM   
dawntreader


Posts: 3045
Joined: 11/23/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: MadRabbit


The majority of us in the thread can at least agree it seems that its not the sex that is the issue but the dishonesty.



As usual, MadRabbit, you have said it best in it's most simple form :-)

_____________________________

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(in reply to MadRabbit)
Profile   Post #: 52
RE: what is wrong with folks who just use the lifestyle... - 4/21/2007 3:21:02 PM   
Patrick2005


Posts: 19
Joined: 1/27/2005
Status: offline 		I don't see that there is anything wrong with it. 

It can become an incompatibility factor, though.  I would see someone who is interested in bdsm only for sex like a person who goes to baseball games because they like the hot dogs at the stadium.  Nothing wrong with that, either- but there would be problems (probably) in a relationship with a serious baseball fan. 

If everyone understands each other up front, no problem.

(in reply to dawntreader)
Profile   Post #: 53
RE: what is wrong with folks who just use the lifestyle... - 4/21/2007 4:50:14 PM   
bipolarber


Posts: 2792
Joined: 9/25/2004
Status: offline 		I think amy had it right at the beginning of the thread... It's not the fact that they are looking for sex (hell, everyone is doing that at some point, on some level!) No, it's more a question of how honest they are being with their potential partners. Lying is far more corrosive than just being horny.

(in reply to Satyr6406)
Profile   Post #: 54
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