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Weight Control - 4/21/2007 4:23:34 PM   
OnyxGoddess


Posts: 242
Joined: 4/18/2005
Status: offline 		I haven't seen this one so I'm tossing it out there.  I have a sub that is fine in every way save for one...he is a little on the "heavy" side.  While this doesn't bother me it is a health issue and I told him I would put him on a work out program with a personal trainer.  He got a little miffed.  He's obedient in every other manner save this one....very resistant.  I was going to push it further but feel I shouldn't have to and so I was going to drop him.  I have reserved doing anything to get opinions from mistresses out there.  Thanx.
 
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RE: Weight Control - 4/21/2007 4:28:08 PM   
WyckedMystress


Posts: 118
Joined: 6/24/2005
Status: offline 		I wouldnt drop him if he is good in all other aspects expcet this one. Maybe it was the way it was approached with him, maybe he has deeper issues about his weight that cause him to resist or maybe You are right and he is just being stubborn.  I would try and talk to him, discuss what his resistence is and see if another avenue can be found. After discussing You will find out if he is just being pig headed and stubborn or if it is a little more serious. Then You can make the right decision about his future with You.

WyckedMystress

(in reply to OnyxGoddess)
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RE: Weight Control - 4/21/2007 5:19:37 PM   
cloudboy


Posts: 7306
Joined: 12/14/2005
Status: offline
The key to weight loss and maintaining a stable weight is one's diet.

I am a very active person, but if I eat the wrong foods (sodas, ice cream, desserts, fast food, or potatoes & past in large quantities) I gain weight. (And its pure fat, too.)

In terms of the best physical regimen to cut weight --- the best is activity is long duration - low impact cadio --- for example walking for an hour or fast walking.

------

As for the M/S thing, if a sub doesn't want to do something and its contrary to his nature --- I don't think you can change him, even with your Mistress authorities and incentives in-hand. Put another way, unless you can get him excited about getting fit, I am skeptical you will succeed.

(in reply to OnyxGoddess)
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RE: Weight Control - 4/21/2007 5:53:49 PM   
TheDiva


Posts: 129
Joined: 6/21/2006
From: Tallahassee, FL
Status: offline 		First I would have him explain why he had such a strong emotional reaction to being put on a workout program. Having that information will make it easier to proceed in an appropriate way.

Possible issues might include:
Deeper issues about his weight or him perceiving the way that it was expressed to him as putting him down (as Wycked Mystress said). In that case, you should be able to get your point across successfully by being more aware of his level of sensitivity regarding that issue.

Not being interested in pursuing something that's not "strictly" D/s related or doesn't include your physical presence.

Not being interested in using a gym or personal trainer for weight loss or body toning. (You could have him do push-ups while sitting on his back or stand behind him with a whip to provide additional incentive during at-home workouts.)

Best of luck?

(in reply to OnyxGoddess)
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RE: Weight Control - 4/21/2007 9:23:26 PM   
Celeste43


Posts: 3066
Joined: 2/4/2006
From: NYS
Status: offline 		Weight is a hugely emotional issue for most of us. You've obviously pushed a button and threatening to drop him for being heavy is what he will think, not that you're dropping him for being resistant.

Instead of sending him someplace to work out why not make the changes for both of you. Both of you learn to eat healthier meals, both of you go out walking or hiking or biking together. And ask him what he used to enjoy; runners don't enjoy walking, walkers don't enjoy biking, swimmers won't enjoy weight lifting.

Why not get into his head and find out what's really going on?

(in reply to TheDiva)
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RE: Weight Control - 4/21/2007 9:38:07 PM   
marieToo


Posts: 3595
Joined: 5/21/2006
From: Jersey
Status: offline 		I wouldn't dump him because he is overweight.  But I would dump him for not being willing to change a minor thing.  It's not like you're asking him to have plastic surgery. 

Alot of people set out to find an ideal look---some want thin, some want heavy, some want tall...etc etc....Seems to me that he should be grateful that you are willing to accept him and work with him, rather than reject him based on his weight or body not being your ideal.

_____________________________

marie.


I give good agita.









(in reply to OnyxGoddess)
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RE: Weight Control - 4/21/2007 10:08:33 PM   
MistressNoName


Posts: 664
Joined: 10/26/2006
Status: offline 		Decided to respond to this one when marietoo's post caught my eye. I reacted to the idea of weight loss being a "minor thing." It most certainly is not. In fact, it is a major thing as anyone who have EVER struggled with weight issues can attest. There are any number of reasons why people are overweight. It's most often not just any one reason, it's usually a combination of reasons and issues.

I agree with most who've posted so far, that I would not drop him without getting more information around his resistance to your offer of help...but as someone else suggested, weight gain/loss is primarily about the foods we eat...yes, exercise certainly helps, but I am of the belief (from personal experience) that exercise without diet change (and I do not mean a temporary diet, I mean changing of eating habits) will ultimately mean nothing. And making permanent dietary changes is a very difficult endeavor that takes a lot of time, patience and persistence and people trying to make those changes also need a lot of positive and motivating support. They do not need to be demeaned, contrary to what some popular television shows would have you believe. (unless of course, humiliation is your kink...maybe.)

I suggest, as other have, talk to him. Find out the history of his weight issue. How long has he been overweight...different people have different weight pictures...has he been overweight since childhood? Or has it happened more suddenly as an adult? Has he led a physically active life that got derailed b/c of illness or accident? Or has he primarily been sedentary most of his life? Gently asking probing questions can provide you with insight into his situation that right now seems to be lacking. And another very important question to explore is whether of not he has ever tried to lose weight before and what his experience with that has been. Many of us have tried, succeeded and failed...and we are mostly left with mixed feelings about our processes, at best.

If he is a good sub in every other respect, then he is probably worth the deeper exploration I'm suggesting. All the best to you.

MNN


(in reply to marieToo)
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RE: Weight Control - 4/21/2007 10:38:10 PM   
marieToo


Posts: 3595
Joined: 5/21/2006
From: Jersey
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: MistressNoName

Decided to respond to this one when marietoo's post caught my eye. I reacted to the idea of weight loss being a "minor thing." It most certainly is not. In fact, it is a major thing as anyone who have EVER struggled with weight issues can attest. There are any number of reasons why people are overweight. It's most often not just any one reason, it's usually a combination of reasons and issues.


I'm sure we could agree that "minor" is a relative term. 

His unwillingness to make an effort is what jumped out at me.  I would consider that a major problem in comparison to eating better and starting an exercise regime.  



< Message edited by marieToo -- 4/21/2007 10:40:02 PM >

_____________________________

marie.


I give good agita.









(in reply to MistressNoName)
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RE: Weight Control - 4/22/2007 8:21:30 AM   
OnyxGoddess


Posts: 242
Joined: 4/18/2005
Status: offline 		As I said it's a HEALTH issue.  He's got high blood pressure and diabetes.  He was sick for almost a month and unable to do anything.  I want my subs healthy for play and if they are unable to and unwilling to change something so they ARE able to then...I'm feeling what good are they to me?  I keep myself fit and healthy and expect the same in those that serve/play with me.  I"m not exactly model thin so it's hypocritical of me to expect it in others.  He's given no explanation WHY he refuses.  It's a quick change of the subject. 

(in reply to marieToo)
Profile   Post #: 9
RE: Weight Control - 4/22/2007 9:18:53 AM   
LaMistressa


Posts: 460
Joined: 12/4/2006
Status: offline 		I suggest talking to him outside of the D/s context of your relationship, and try to find out why his response was so negative. Weight is a very emotional issue for people, but if you let him know the reasoning behind your plan for him, that should help. Or it could be (as others have mentioned) that he is balking on having to work with a trainer vs. some other type of fitness regimen. I know that I can't stand to work out with a partner or to attend classes -- I have to work out alone or with a personal trainer only, and I work out at odd times so that people don't distract me. It may just be that he needs a different arrangement to feel comfortable working out.

Regardless,  I would stick to my guns about this issue if it were me.  If he is diabetic and carrying too much weight, it could be devestating for his health.



(in reply to OnyxGoddess)
Profile   Post #: 10
RE: Weight Control - 4/22/2007 9:27:58 AM   
curiouslyseeking


Posts: 924
Joined: 1/11/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: LaMistressa

I suggest talking to him outside of the D/s context of your relationship



Greetings LaMistressa

This advice I cannot understand at all.  A D/s relationship's foundation is communication and openness, why would you ever suggest someone go out of it to talk?  This would make me question the consistency and security of the relationship.
 
always,
~curious~



_____________________________

"The ultimate freedom is the freedom to choose to have no choice"


(in reply to LaMistressa)
Profile   Post #: 11
RE: Weight Control - 4/22/2007 9:34:05 AM   
tulipgoose


Posts: 112
Joined: 10/30/2004
Status: offline 		Well, why is he overweight to begin with? Some people are MEANT to be... Obviously you claim it is a health issue for him, but did a health issue cause it? There is nothing anyone here can tell you other than "don't leave him over this unless you have a reason he is saying no"........ That is the first step you need to take.... Express your desire to work with him through it, with or without a trainer, you must be his primary "trainer"...... keeping his needs, abilities, strengths, weaknesses and limits in mind. As I said above, some people are made to be heavy. With some people no amount of diet or excersize can change body type and health. I know from experience. It can go either way.... I know people who eat a ton, never exercise and are skinny as heck, still not healthy mind you!

(in reply to OnyxGoddess)
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RE: Weight Control - 4/22/2007 9:39:13 AM   
HisSongstress


Posts: 103
Joined: 3/2/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: OnyxGoddess
I want my subs healthy for play and if they are unable to and unwilling to change something so they ARE able to then...I'm feeling what good are they to me? 


The thought of being a steward of something that will belong to someone else (and  now does belongs to someone else) was instrumental in helping me to lose 130 (and planning for about 40 more). I was unable to to do it for myself. My self-esteem was so low that I felt that I did not deserve to be well or to look good....but I was able to motivate the HUGE change in attiude by seeing myself through someone else's eyes.  In other words, I COULD take good care of someone else's property.

I have learned that when I respond strongly (or sobbingly or vehemently or with terror)...those are actually the things that I seek most to change ... deep in my heart and have the greatest fear that I cannot change. The fear that I will AGAIN fail in an attempt to change something paralyzes me.  I am so fortunate to have the One that has chosen me; he recognizes the fearful stall tactics in me, helps me identify them, and gives me tools to move through the fear ...through to action.

He requires me to be forthcoming in all my feelings and fears. I write a lot. And he doesn't let me hide from things that scare me. I want to be a better person for him...and for the first time in my life...I feel that I deserve to be a better person for me.  He has taught me how to treat myself...through the way he treats me with value.

best!
...song...

_____________________________

"More, please." ....Oliver Twist

Before discovering bdsm, my motto was "Like me or bite me." But here, everyone seems to think that is an invitation.

(in reply to OnyxGoddess)
Profile   Post #: 13
RE: Weight Control - 4/22/2007 10:13:22 AM   
tuff2break


Posts: 13
Joined: 2/17/2007
Status: offline 		The thought of being a steward of something that will belong to someone else (and  now does belongs to someone else) was instrumental in helping me to lose 130 (and planning for about 40 more). I was unable to to do it for myself. My self-esteem was so low that I felt that I did not deserve to be well or to look good....but I was able to motivate the HUGE change in attiude by seeing myself through someone else's eyes.  In other words, I COULD take good care of someone else's property.

I have learned that when I respond strongly (or sobbingly or vehemently or with terror)...those are actually the things that I seek most to change ... deep in my heart and have the greatest fear that I cannot change. The fear that I will AGAIN fail in an attempt to change something paralyzes me.  I am so fortunate to have the One that has chosen me; he recognizes the fearful stall tactics in me, helps me identify them, and gives me tools to move through the fear ...through to action.

He requires me to be forthcoming in all my feelings and fears. I write a lot. And he doesn't let me hide from things that scare me. I want to be a better person for him...and for the first time in my life...I feel that I deserve to be a better person for me.  He has taught me how to treat myself...through the way he treats me with value.

best!
...song...

God, I wish I had someone in my life, like you do. You are so lucky and I'm happy for your success! I'm still struggling with my weight and weight loss, including diabetes and PMDD. My doctors (all 3 experts in their field) say that no matter how much I eat properly and exercise regularly, my body type and metabolism will interfere with significant weight loss. I would be healthier and I will be in better control of my diabetes and PMDD if I eat better and exercise regularly but I may not lose enough weight to be attractive to certain people. It doesn't make me a bad person, or a lazy person but I DO in fact have medical issues where I may not be able to lose alot of weight.

I hope that You can help your sub male obtain a healthier and better life. Please take the time to listen to him and read between the lines, insist he go to several specialists. But You have to ask Yourself, will you drop him if he CAN'T lose weight?

Best of  Luck
tuff2break

(in reply to HisSongstress)
Profile   Post #: 14
RE: Weight Control - 4/22/2007 11:53:49 AM   
addicted2it


Posts: 322
Joined: 5/31/2004
From: California
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: OnyxGoddess

I haven't seen this one so I'm tossing it out there.  I have a sub that is fine in every way save for one...he is a little on the "heavy" side.  While this doesn't bother me it is a health issue and I told him I would put him on a work out program with a personal trainer.  He got a little miffed.  He's obedient in every other manner save this one....very resistant.  I was going to push it further but feel I shouldn't have to and so I was going to drop him.  I have reserved doing anything to get opinions from mistresses out there.  Thanx.
 


My $0.02 worth is this:  He is very lucky to have someone like you, who is obviously interested in his health and well-being. 

The issue of being overweight is really more about health than anything else, so it would benefit this gentleman to look upon your sincere interest in his well-being as a gift, rather than an order that has no basis in reality. 

No femdomme wants to be in an intense session with a sub and have him die of a heart attack or some other health-related issue. It would be blantently unfair to expect a femdomme to have to talk her way out of possible prosecution for having been a party to someone's demise.

If you do nothing else, please have him read what I have written.

Be well and be protected.




_____________________________

"What I lack in wisdom and intelligence, I more than make up or with age."

(in reply to OnyxGoddess)
Profile   Post #: 15
RE: Weight Control - 4/22/2007 12:08:03 PM   
SunNMoon


Posts: 1058
Joined: 3/18/2007
Status: offline 		Being overweight myself, it's something I've been battling for a long time. I understand his reaction. I would talk to him, and approach it as a health issue be very careful it's not coming off as "you are not attractive" which he might be hearing.  You also might want to do it as a couple, such a working out together, and eating healthy together. If you want to throw a little D/s into the workouts have him pull you when he goes running. Make it fun.

I know you said you are healthy already which means you have the habit. Talk about it but be sensitive to what he is feeling. From what I've read it's something you have to want for yourself to be able to lose weight. And it is defeating when the weight doesn’t come off as fast as you want it too.

Also fitday.com is a really good sight.  

(in reply to addicted2it)
Profile   Post #: 16
RE: Weight Control - 4/22/2007 12:37:00 PM   
MistressNoName


Posts: 664
Joined: 10/26/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: marieToo

quote:

ORIGINAL: MistressNoName

Decided to respond to this one when marietoo's post caught my eye. I reacted to the idea of weight loss being a "minor thing." It most certainly is not. In fact, it is a major thing as anyone who have EVER struggled with weight issues can attest. There are any number of reasons why people are overweight. It's most often not just any one reason, it's usually a combination of reasons and issues.


I'm sure we could agree that "minor" is a relative term.

His unwillingness to make an effort is what jumped out at me. I would consider that a major problem in comparison to eating better and starting an exercise regime.






marie, I think we could certainly agree that it's alright to disagree, since I believe that his resistance to making an effort, is all part of the same weight control struggle in the first place. I don't know if you have ever been significantly overweight, I know nothing about you, so I don't know if you can even relate to this issue. I have both lost a lot of weight and gained a lot of weight. I have the good fortune, though I am still overweight, to not be suffering with any major health problems, although this is something I keep my eye on b/c I have significant health issues in my family history. But making permanent changes to one's eating and exercise habits is no small feat. And cannot be diminished in any way. And the first step is attitude and motivation. He is having a problem developing the motivation and attitude it will take to lose weight and keep it off. So he needs help in this.

He needs for you, Onyx, to take a strong stance on this with him, to explain to him what you have said to us, to help motivate him to maintain his health, and to challenge him on why he has not been doing so all along. He needs for this discussion to come within the D/s structure and he needs it to be presented as something that will carry benefits both for him, you and the relationship. And he needs it to be presented in a caring, supportive manner. And I would further say, at the risk of possibly offending you (which is not my purpose, I assure you), that if you feel, for whatever reasons, that you are unable or unwilling to do this for him, then perhaps you should release him.

But I would encourage you to explore all options first.

Best,

MNN

< Message edited by MistressNoName -- 4/22/2007 12:38:21 PM >

(in reply to marieToo)
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RE: Weight Control - 4/22/2007 2:24:07 PM   
tulinwl


Posts: 37
Joined: 3/4/2007
Status: offline 		The thing is - he knows that he has to lose weight. Don't think for a second he doesn't know or accept that fact. It is an emotional barrier that will keep him from discussing this with you. Until he breaks that barrier and acknowledges the issue with you - it will be very difficult for you to communicate with him about it. 

_____________________________



tulinwl


(in reply to MistressNoName)
Profile   Post #: 18
RE: Weight Control - 4/22/2007 2:33:48 PM   
imthatacheyouhav


Posts: 1259
Joined: 4/16/2007
Status: offline 		i was close to 300 pounds for about a decade...i lost it when i was ready. i have no clue why it took me so long to do it.... i lost about 80 pounds in 9 months. i feel much better

(in reply to tulinwl)
Profile   Post #: 19
RE: Weight Control - 4/22/2007 2:40:23 PM   
TribeTziyon


Posts: 264
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline 		It is quite possible that medications for his diabetes, if he is on any can make weight loss difficult and many actually add weight.

(in reply to imthatacheyouhav)
Profile   Post #: 20
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