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RE: Do submissives only submit to what they like and wh... - 4/22/2007 10:47:30 PM   
ErusUxor


Posts: 44
Joined: 4/22/2007
Status: offline 		Very little of my submission is done during play ...We are a 24/7 couple and my most profound moments of service/submission come in everyday things

Master decides what I will eat and orders it for me...always
Master likes the laundry done a certain way...and so it is
Master likes to bathe before bed...and so I run a bath when he is tired
Master like my ears pierced a certain way...and so they are
Master tells me "to go back to sleep" when I wake to early...so I do
Master hurts sometimes and when I see this I offer a massage
Master has the final say in all decisions...and I accept them even if I don't completly agree
(I can do all of this because I know he listens to me and remembers my best interest when he makes decisions)

He tells me I am the other half that makes him whole...and equal and vital half in a working power dynamic.

Master shares his insights and strengths and I share my insights and strengths...but through it all...Master leads and I follow.


< Message edited by ErusUxor -- 4/22/2007 10:50:09 PM >

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When they said "penny for your thoughts" ...I had to try and figure out how to make change.

(in reply to MzMia)
Profile   Post #: 21
RE: Do submissives only submit to what they like and wh... - 4/22/2007 10:51:39 PM   
BeachMystress


Posts: 2156
Joined: 4/3/2004
From: Naples Island- Long Beach CA - Southern California
Status: offline 		Doing things they don't like or wish to do at that time is part of what being a "real" submissive is all about. I don't use "real" as a value judgement, but as a definition. "Real" subs are service as well as sexual, serving their Dominant in all facets of life. They serve even when they'd rather be doing other things, are angry with the Dominant or for any another reason aren't in submissive headspace,

The other type of sub is a "bedroom" or "role play" sub. These submissves are the ones who to me only serve when they are in submissive headspace. You have to capture their imagination for them to want to play rather than them being "always on."  When you engage their imagination, a "bedroom" or "role play" sub can offer off submission as deep and meaningful as someone who offers submission at all times. Neither is superior to the other, but rather a matter of inclination. There are Dominants who are seeking each type.

I am married to my submissive. There are times when he totally hates having to do his chores and duties. He'd much rather play a computer game or watch TV. Can you blame him? Housework sucks. And yes, at times I will let him slide on his chores. We're realistic.. he has bad days at work, he can be under the weather or just tired. I often talk about the need to accept a Dominant as human and the same is true of submissives. You have to make allowances in a healthy, long term relationship. But the norm is, even if he doesn't like it, he does it.

He especially doesn't like some of our play time activities. I'm a sadist and he is not a masochist. Yet he takes as much as he can and has managed to impress much of our local community with the amount of pain he can take.  After experiencing "real" submission, I'd not go back to "role play." I am fulfilled by being the head of my household and having a male who obeys even when he's flat out not in the mood!

_____________________________

Beach Mystress
*Do not threaten the weak. Intimidate the strong. ~ Stevenson*
http://beachmystress.jigsy.com
http://www.flickr.com/photos/beachmystress/

(in reply to MzMia)
Profile   Post #: 22
RE: Do submissives only submit to what they like and wh... - 4/22/2007 11:11:21 PM   
AAkasha


Posts: 4429
Joined: 11/27/2004
Status: offline 		I have found that vanilla men are far more easy to get to submit to tasks/ordeals/orders than submissive men (in general), with almost a direct correlation between how long the submissive has been limited to his own fantasies and how sexual they are in nature. The more they get programmed, the harder it is to get them to snap out of it.

A vanilla guy has no "fetish agenda."  His "hot buttons" are either 1) get laid or 2) get his lady excited/pleased/win her favor.  There's no other agenda like 1) submit to strap on or 2) get her to tie up my cock and balls  3) become human toilet.  The stronger the fetish, the bigger the distraction.  The more the fantasy has been in his head, the more it remains in his head.

I have a hockey fetish.  I get really turned on by a lot of things related to the sport, and it lights a huge femdom fire in me.  Talking about hockey, even for a hockey player, is far more boring than being fucked in the ass with a dildo, if he's sub.  I have engaged in courting with both a "submissive" hockey player and a vanilla one.  The vanilla one was quite amused/interested/intrigued to talk to me about the penalty box, the mouthguard, the face wash - even though there's nothing remotely erotic, sexual or fetishy about these things.  The submissive hockey player -- it was like pulling teeth to get him to NOT keep going back to his fantasies. "So the penalty box, yeah, it's a bummer, but tell me what YOU would to do me there Mistress! Would you use your strap on?" or "Mouthguard? Sure I guess so, but cock gag, Mistress, tell me about your cock gag please..." 

That's a slightly exaggerated example.  There are a lot of "non erotic" things that turn me on.  A big test for me is if a guy is willing to engage in discussions about these not only eagerly, but with a thirst to figure out why it makes me so turned on - so he can better please me.  A test for submissive men is to ask them to write a short story of at least 250 words with no mention of his own fetishes, but a light guideline of what turns you on. You can use my penalty box example, if you are a hockey fan. :)

Akasha


_____________________________

Akasha's Web - All original Femdom content since 1995
Don't email me here, email me at [email protected]

(in reply to MzMia)
Profile   Post #: 23
RE: Do submissives only submit to what they like and wh... - 4/23/2007 12:02:48 AM   
joyinslavery


Posts: 955
Joined: 6/21/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: AAkasha

I have a hockey fetish. 

Akasha




Hummm..Really?!?

Right on!

Btw...Go Stars!!!

_____________________________

"...we must learn, each one of us, that the world was not made for us, and that, however beautiful may be the things we crave, Fate may nevertheless forbid them."
-Bertrand Russell

Mainstream...The New Alternative

*Beware of dog*

(in reply to AAkasha)
Profile   Post #: 24
RE: Do submissives only submit to what they like and wh... - 4/23/2007 12:13:22 AM   
AAkasha


Posts: 4429
Joined: 11/27/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: joyinslavery

quote:

ORIGINAL: AAkasha

I have a hockey fetish. 

Akasha




Hummm..Really?!?

Right on!

Btw...Go Stars!!!


Very true. I can probably name one "erotic moment" based on every team.  For Dallas, it's Marty Turco's All Star Performance. They (accidently?) left him "mic'd up" when he played a period of the game, and he talked to commentators WHILE playing.  I found it really exciting how he was getting breathless, trying to talk in between it all, especially when a puck hit him in the chest and he'd go "Oof." 

Akasha


_____________________________

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Don't email me here, email me at [email protected]

(in reply to joyinslavery)
Profile   Post #: 25
RE: Do submissives only submit to what they like and wh... - 4/23/2007 5:24:47 AM   
MsCfromMelbourne


Posts: 777
Joined: 2/15/2007
Status: offline 		Well of course any partner - submissive or vanilla - will readily submit to anything he wants or likes.  He will also readily submit if he can see the benefits to him in pleasing his partner (eg will get a  cuddle later) or how his effort is reciprocated (eg he mows the lawn while you cook dinner)
 
If a partner does not submit, the first question is why? 
 
1) Did he just forget?  If so, the punishment should fit the crime.  If the oversight was minor, the punishment should be commeasurate.  The beauty of punishment is that it lets you vent, gives him a way to make amends and you can both move on swiftly and put the incident behind you.  It beats passive aggressive behaviour such as sulking that plagues vanilla relationships!
 
2) Did he have something more important to do (Go to the doctors? Attend a job interview?)  If so, be reasonable and back down on this occasion.
 
3) Or did he quite simply disagree with your judgment?
 
If he disagreed with your judgement, what were his reasons?  On reflection, was he right?  Was your request not really in his best interests?  Was it selfish or silly on the Domme's part?  Dommes are not perfect and a Domme who thinks she is will quickly be a single Domme.
 
4) But what do you do when you just conflict on an important issue (eg having children together)?  Does an impasse spell the end of the relationship.  Do you leave a submissive in the doghouse so long that one day you realise the dog has strayed to a new home?
 
The answer involves negotiating how you agree to resolve conflict
 
Every relationship - D/s or otherwise - involves countless day to day power struggles (conflicts). Usually they are resolved by compromise. Sometimes you win; sometimes you lose. Its the dance of give and take necessary if you want a successful long term D/s partnership (not everyone does, of course. Some people just want serial D/s romance and good luck to them)

It is unrealistic for one partner to expect and demand that the other always yield in every conflict. Whether you partner agreed to be a "slave" or not, abdicating all responsibility for his life by yielding to the Mistress in every conflict is not admirable D/s, it is regression into a Contol Freak/babyhood dynamic.

Trying to solve conflict by demanding the "Dominant" is winner of all conflicts and the "submissive" is the loser of all conflicts is a lovely fantasy but not workable in real life.  Only control freaks run their households by the rule "Its always My way or the highway".  A real D/s relationship needs real techniques to resolve real conflicts. 
 
Its not constructive to accuse your partner of only submitting when it suits him.  All submissives "jack up" (rebel) against something sooner or later.  If you are doing your job as a Domme, you are pushing those physical and emotional limits.  Some limits are real limts and the Domme is not going to get her own way. 
 
This is the moment the rubber hits the road and you discover whether the D/s relationship is going to survive beyond the fantasy into reality.
 
An example in our relationship would be my submissive's friends.  I don't like some of them.  I don't think they are good for his welfare.  But - after some debate - we have negotiated and agreed his limit: I do not have permission to separate him from his pre-existing friends or family.  I can express my opinion and refuse to accompany him when he visits them, but I cannot order him to stop seeing them
 
Am I a lesser Domme for allowing my submissive a limit that I do not like?  No, the beauty of D/s is that it gives us the tools (like negotiated limits) to resolve conflicts.  Vanilla couples are not so lucky.  They just fight and sulk and fight some more until one gets their own way or they split up. 


_____________________________

<----- Corset, mask and collar designed and manufactured by metalsmith Karl H, chromed and lined in black suede. Masks and collars available from http://www.lucreziadesade.com.au/default.html. Corsets custom made only

(in reply to joyinslavery)
Profile   Post #: 26
RE: Do submissives only submit to what they like and wh... - 4/23/2007 6:24:39 AM   
thetammyjo


Posts: 6322
Joined: 9/8/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: MzMia

Hello ladies, I have a question for you. I have always thought that over all
Most Mistresses/Dominants/Domina’s are not as “hard” on submissives as many of the
male Dominants.
Be that as it may, I was curious so I must ask this question.
Do your submissive’s only submit to what they like or want?
What about issues like cleaning, major decisions, weight control, exercise?
And the parts of life that are not a lot of “fun"?


So many bloody color codes in this I hope I cropped it right.....

Anyway, I don't have a submissive, I have a slave. As both Fox and I would tell anyone, part of being a slave is doing what is best for and on behalf of your owner, regardless of how you feel about it unless it hits one of your hard limits.

Fox does many things he does not like and in fact dislikes or hates. He does them because it is his job, he suffers and works for my benefit. I, in return, have thought and made decisions based on what I consider healthiest for both of us. This means that if he does something he hates or dislikes a lot, I give him a lot of positive feedback on his work, a hug, a kiss, a reminder that it pleased me and that he's a good boy for doing it.

Guess what? I do things all the time I don't like -- that's called living life. There are things we must do in order to survive and to be healthy. Anyone who thinks differently is, in my opinion, not living in reality regardless of Ds or Ms role.


(Why anyone would be owned by someone without similar if not identical hard limits is something I don't fully understand personally considering these are consensual relationships.)

_____________________________

Love, Peace, Hugs, Kisses, Whips & Chains,

TammyJo

Check out my website at http://www.thetammyjo.com Or www.tammyjoeckhart.com

And my LJ where I post fiction in progress if you "friend" me at http://thetammyjo.livejournal.com/

(in reply to MzMia)
Profile   Post #: 27
RE: Do submissives only submit to what they like and wh... - 4/23/2007 8:14:24 AM   
Red82


Posts: 79
Joined: 4/13/2007
Status: offline 		The answer to your question, of course not. That would almost in so many ways defeat the purpose of my being in those relationships in the first place. If i wanted it like that, i would just be a Dom myself.

< Message edited by Red82 -- 4/23/2007 8:15:23 AM >

(in reply to ErusUxor)
Profile   Post #: 28
RE: Do submissives only submit to what they like and wh... - 4/23/2007 8:26:30 AM   
LadyPact


Posts: 32566
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: MzMia

Thank you for sharing Lady Impact!
I love the scenario you told us about, what a great idea!


Glad you liked it, MzMia.  Still just love that twist on My name!

(in reply to MzMia)
Profile   Post #: 29
RE: Do submissives only submit to what they like and wh... - 4/23/2007 9:30:42 AM   
slaveluci


Posts: 4294
Joined: 3/2/2007
From: Little Rock, AR
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Red82
The answer to your question, of course not. That would almost in so many ways defeat the purpose of my being in those relationships in the first place. If i wanted it like that, i would just be a Dom myself.

Ditto.  i question the use of the word "submitting" when it involves something i like.  Yeah, ok Master, if You say so, i'll "submit" to a night of continuous orgasms and then a hot fudge sundae.......but only if it pleases You, Sir .  For me, true submission enters in when i'm asked to do precisely what i DON'T necessarily desire to.  If i only "submit" to things i would do anyway, to me that's simply not submitting........slave luci

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(in reply to Red82)
Profile   Post #: 30
RE: Do submissives only submit to what they like and wh... - 4/23/2007 1:15:57 PM   
Unrepentant1


Posts: 283
Joined: 8/25/2006
Status: offline 		I feel ones limits change over time and particularly when in a relationship. I will do many things now, a year ago I would never have done. That is due to having had the fotune to have been with someone at the time I trusted deeply, and the trust is the key, with me anyway.

Once I trust the Domme I am with and there is a real connection between us, I will happily push those limits and experiment because I know I am in safe hands. If The Domme and sub communicate properly and a bond is developed, then everything else can flow from that. The key is patience, trust and communication. 

(in reply to LadyPact)
Profile   Post #: 31
RE: Do submissives only submit to what they like and wh... - 4/23/2007 1:47:40 PM   
undergroundsea


Posts: 2400
Joined: 6/27/2004
From: Austin, TX
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyPact
I believe that, in the beginning of any dynamic, there is a feeling out period.  I am not saying this is a bad thing, but a sense of testing boundries.  From My experience, this is the time where a submissive is more likely than not to enforce their safeword, to ensure that it will be respected, and maybe a bit of pushing on the Dom/Domme's part to see what kind of authority They have.  A bit childish, perhaps, but it's been known to happen.


I agree that there is an intial period that is particularly relevant. I think this period is not necessarily to test boundaries but to establish the relationship and boundaries, and trust. Some boundaries remain, some are let go, some new ones may arise.

I do submit to things outside my areas of interest that are not boundaries. How I respond to areas that are boundaries varies on a case by case basis with respect to what connection exists and how strong is the boundary.

In my opinion, when a submissive resists an order, I think why he is resists is more important than that he resists. I think hearing the reason can help decide if the hesitation is reasonable or not. And I think it is helpful to consider whether enough familiarity has been established for the matter at hand.

Cheers,

Sea

(in reply to LadyPact)
Profile   Post #: 32
RE: Do submissives only submit to what they like and wh... - 4/23/2007 2:27:09 PM   
AAkasha


Posts: 4429
Joined: 11/27/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Unrepentant1

I feel ones limits change over time and particularly when in a relationship. I will do many things now, a year ago I would never have done. That is due to having had the fotune to have been with someone at the time I trusted deeply, and the trust is the key, with me anyway.

Once I trust the Domme I am with and there is a real connection between us, I will happily push those limits and experiment because I know I am in safe hands. If The Domme and sub communicate properly and a bond is developed, then everything else can flow from that. The key is patience, trust and communication. 


Pushed limits or doing things that are scary or uncomfortable for the sub are one thing.  But what about things that are just plain boring and not of interest to the submissive?  That's what I was thinking of when I read this thread.  There are fantasies that a sub has about the way he would submit; there's also the area of sacrifice or suffering, and often that can be classified as, "Force me to do the things I want to do anyway."  But what of things that are not painful, humiliating or difficult for the submissive, but of no interest to him at all. 

What if a submissive presents himself as willing to do anything at length that gives his lady pleasure, and in his fantasy and expectation it had a heavy emphasis on providing oral sex or long foot massages.  Then he finds that what really gives her pleasure is occassional oral sex (not as much as he wants), but no foot massages - she likes hand massages, and long ones.  And there's NOTHING more boring to him than rubbing her fingers.  He'd rather be rubbing her feet.

My husband will rub anything I tell him to rub. He doesn't have any fetishes or fantasies with regards to how he pleases ME with regards to my body; this is a big distinction from many submissive men, who already have in their head how they will please a lady physically, and have eroticized the act.

The difference: A man who feels "I like to please you by touching you in a way that you like to be touched, you tell me how you like it" vs. "I like to please you by touching you in ways that I have decided are rewarding."

Akasha


_____________________________

Akasha's Web - All original Femdom content since 1995
Don't email me here, email me at [email protected]

(in reply to Unrepentant1)
Profile   Post #: 33
RE: Do submissives only submit to what they like and wh... - 4/23/2007 2:46:23 PM   
MzMia


Posts: 5333
Joined: 7/30/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: undergroundsea

quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyPact
I believe that, in the beginning of any dynamic, there is a feeling out period.  I am not saying this is a bad thing, but a sense of testing boundries.  From My experience, this is the time where a submissive is more likely than not to enforce their safeword, to ensure that it will be respected, and maybe a bit of pushing on the Dom/Domme's part to see what kind of authority They have.  A bit childish, perhaps, but it's been known to happen.


I agree that there is an intial period that is particularly relevant. I think this period is not necessarily to test boundaries but to establish the relationship and boundaries, and trust. Some boundaries remain, some are let go, some new ones may arise.

I do submit to things outside my areas of interest that are not boundaries. How I respond to areas that are boundaries varies on a case by case basis with respect to what connection exists and how strong is the boundary.

In my opinion, when a submissive resists an order, I think why he is resists is more important than that he resists. I think hearing the reason can help decide if the hesitation is reasonable or not. And I think it is helpful to consider whether enough familiarity has been established for the matter at hand.

Cheers,

Sea


Many, many great posts here, keep them coming, I NEED this thread.
Sea, I love the part about "familarity", I have noticed most men don't need
a lot of "familarity" to play bedroom games and BDSM, but when you mention
submitting to something "outside" of BDSM----> they don't know you well enough.
I just realized this holds for most men, thanks for opening my eyes.
Most submissives will play on a dime, but if you ask for more than play? Many
think they don't know you will enough.
Thank you. 

_____________________________

Namaste'
To Each His/Her Own
"DENIAL ain't just a river in Egypt." Mark Twain


What's your favorite fetish?
"My partner's whisper"--bloomswell

(in reply to undergroundsea)
Profile   Post #: 34
RE: Do submissives only submit to what they like and wh... - 4/23/2007 2:56:02 PM   
daddysliloneds


Posts: 1351
Joined: 6/28/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: MzMia

Hello ladies, I have a question for you.  I have always thought that over all
Most Mistresses/Dominants/Domina’s are not as “hard” on submissives as many of the
male Dominants.
Be that as it may, I was curious so I must ask this question.
Do your submissive’s only submit to what they like or want?
What about issues like cleaning, major decisions, weight control, exercise?
And the parts of life that are not a lot of “fun"?
Especially for those of you that are in a serious relationship/or partner with your submissive.
I am not asking this question to be judgmental, just to give us some dialogue
and reflection.
The submissive I am talking to is in the doghouse {AGAIN}, because he did
Not follow my instructions on a simple matter.
IF he begs and pleads he will get out of the doghouse, but he will think twice
before he disobeys a small but serious request.
I tend to be a bit “hard” I guess, I want him to submit/learn to do things that
go beyond BDSM, because there is more to life for me, than BDSM.
I seek to control behavior beyond the bedroom and "play" time.
Do your submissives only submit to what they like or want?
Do you control areas of your submissives life OUTSIDE of the BDSM realm?
Thanks in advance


being on the bottom/submissive side of the equation, i can honestly say that i've submitted to a whole lot more areas of my life then just bdsm and bedroom hanky-spanky, and it certainly wasn't just to things i like or wanted!

(in reply to MzMia)
Profile   Post #: 35
RE: Do submissives only submit to what they like and wh... - 4/23/2007 3:05:27 PM   
Unrepentant1


Posts: 283
Joined: 8/25/2006
Status: offline 		I understand what you say, but in any relationship a partner may do something that they get no pleasure from, just to make the other one happy. In a D/s relationship this would be more natural to the sub, or at least should be. To make a person you adore happy, should be enough motivation.

(in reply to AAkasha)
Profile   Post #: 36
RE: Do submissives only submit to what they like and wh... - 4/23/2007 4:38:25 PM   
undergroundsea


Posts: 2400
Joined: 6/27/2004
From: Austin, TX
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: MzMia
Sea, I love the part about "familarity", I have noticed most men don't need
a lot of "familarity" to play bedroom games and BDSM, but when you mention
submitting to something "outside" of BDSM----> they don't know you well enough.


I am pondering that point and the associated psychology, and think there is room to elaborate.

I think for any activity and for people in general (also outside BDSM), how one feels about the activity depends on the balance between forces that motivate that activity and forces that oppose that activity. I imagine for areas of interest, the forces that motivate the activity more easily prevail.

I imagine areas where one is hesitant are where the opposing forces prevail. Some of the reasons to oppose an activity could lie in trust issues, which is related to familiarity. And becoming more familiar with someone would increase the force to want to participate in that activity for sake of increased interest in the person. These thoughts are what drive my statement about the relevance of familiarity.

Cheers,

Sea

(in reply to MzMia)
Profile   Post #: 37
RE: Do submissives only submit to what they like and wh... - 4/23/2007 5:04:43 PM   
zumala


Posts: 1121
Joined: 6/16/2005
Status: offline 		Yes, I submit even if it's something I don't like.  Why?  For more than one reason.  First of all, I agreed to submit in the first place.  Second, I /want/ to please my dominant.  Third, if he's pleased... then honestly, so am I.  I can hate the task or command for itself, but if it pleases him for me to do it, then that gives me satisfaction.
 
zuma

(in reply to undergroundsea)
Profile   Post #: 38
RE: Do submissives only submit to what they like and wh... - 4/23/2007 5:26:16 PM   
VeryMercurial


Posts: 620
Joined: 6/5/2006
Status: offline 		Most of the men that I have talked to or met online, only want to submit totally
in the bedroom.  That is the extent to many submissives around here. So, my answer
is yes, most male submissives tend to submit only to what they enjoy doing.

(in reply to MzMia)
Profile   Post #: 39
RE: Do submissives only submit to what they like and wh... - 4/23/2007 5:40:56 PM   
undergroundsea


Posts: 2400
Joined: 6/27/2004
From: Austin, TX
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: AAkasha
Pushed limits or doing things that are scary or uncomfortable for the sub are one thing.  But what about things that are just plain boring and not of interest to the submissive? 


I think doing things that are boring requires energy and doing things that are interesting provides energy. If energy is required, there must be adequate energy one gains from the relationship to overcome the flow in the opposite direction. A relationship that only or mostly requires energy has a dim future.

I see this statement to have general application. A relationship that only or mostly requires energy from a domme will be of little interest to her.

I think compatibility is strong when both persons find energy in similar activities.

For me doing something for somebody for whom I care, and seeing that person happy provides energy towards this balance.

quote:

My husband will rub anything I tell him to rub. He doesn't have any fetishes or fantasies with regards to how he pleases ME with regards to my body; this is a big distinction from many submissive men, who already have in their head how they will please a lady physically, and have eroticized the act.


More than likely, the subs you describe are selfish and interested in what they want only. Not all vanilla men are like your husband and not all subs are as you describe above--I expect the behaviors you describe are similarly distributed across both types of men in general. You give to your husband whatever that you give (love, sacrifice, more) that keeps him happy in the relationship and interested in your happiness. With respect to the point I state above, it may be relevant to consider what the subs in question were getting in return and how well their wants in submission were otherwise met. If a domme finds unsatisfying an activity that the sub enjoys and, accordingly, engages only in activities that the sub does not enjoy and which require sacrifice, is the sub getting enough energy from the relationship to remain interested in it?

Cheers,

Sea

(in reply to AAkasha)
Profile   Post #: 40
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