RE: Do submissives only submit to what they like and what is fun?

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RE: Do submissives only submit to what they like and wh... - 4/25/2007 12:11:44 AM

pixelslave

Posts: 1444
Joined: 8/19/2006
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: MzMia

Well Sea, I have encountered resistance in just about any other area that I want to control other than BDSM.
I am not sure how specific I need be. It appears that I don't usually know them long enough or well enough
to control behavior, time, etc. and how I specifically want certain things to go. But, it is never to soon to have control or
BDSM play.
So it has been my experience again that male submissives will play on a dime, but please don't ask for much
more than play or BDSM experiences.

I don't want to sound as though I'm giving "canned" advice or "lecturing", but I see several things you may want to give some thought to. I see them in part, because they have been relevent to my own situation in having recently begun a relationship with a Mistress new to me after spending quite some time on my own.

First, while I personally don't play on a casual basis, it typically is for only a very specific or limited period of time where limits are usually discussed before things begin. When "play time" is over, so is the submission or exchange of power that you seek from the sub as a Domme. Presumably it was only negotiated for the period of play.

When you begin to talk about a relationship, it gets much more complicated than a play date, where things have been time limited along with play area boundaries/limits having been negotiated and/or defined. The "picture" is much larger now and there is a great deal to learn about each other before any of those things can be negotiated. We're no longer talking about just a Domme and a sub, we're talking about two unique people that need to get to know each other as human beings.

One of the most common complaints by women on this site, is the number of men who approach them with lists of fantasies they want fulfilled instead of taking the time to get to know them as a distinct person with real interests, tastes and a personality that doesn't come from a cliche. Whether you realize it or not, submissive men appreciate the same kind of courtesy and approach from a Domme. They like a woman who expresses a genuine interest in them as a real person with outside interests, talents and a personality that is unique to them. If you want them to submit to you in more ways, then I suggest you invest the time to get to know them as men and learn what their interests and "buttons" are. Once you do that, they'll be much more willing to submit in other areas of their lives, particularly as you take the time to build their trust in you by showing them you are someone worthy of being a Mistress to which they'd be comfortable relinquishing control.

Any sub who'd immediately begin to turn over control of other parts of his/her life to you without investing the time to get to know you outside the playroom and waiting for you to do the same, in my opinion, would not be using very good judgement.

In my particular case, what I became aware of, was that I'd been on my own without a Mistress for a long enough period of time, that I simply needed an adjustment period to ease into once again feeling comfortable letting someone else have control of certain areas of my life. It takes time to do that and is more of a transition, than a matter of simply flipping a switch, as one does when turning on the lights as they walk into a room. The human mind doesn't work that way, instead it needs time to adjust with lots of practice and repetition too!

Once you've established the trust, give the guy some time and help him along by moving slowly so he can adjust and make the transition that you'd like to see. Providing lots of encouragement and appropriate rewards when he gives the response you'd like to see is the main thing that I'd suggest. His mind needs reconditioning to do things the way you'd like them done and that's not nearly as simple as it sounds.

A lot of patience is required, both on your part and his. If he is of a submissive nature, he'll naturally want to please you and will be disappointed in himself when he's not met your expectations. In fact, he'll very likely need your help and encouragement at times like those.

As I think you can readily see by now, its my opinion that if you want more than play, you'll need to invest the time to get to know a sub as a person first to gain his trust and to show him that you're worthy of receiving it. Once you do, the submission outside the playroom should naturally begin to follow. From there, it can grow and blossom provided you nuture it along with the right kind of encouragement and rewards. Where it goes, and how smoothly it gets there, is largely up to you and how you approach it.

- pixel

_____________________________

Chivalry isn't dead! It's for those who have it in their hearts & are willing to be taught. It's a way of life, a code of honor; this one's armor still needs some polishing!

(in reply to MzMia)